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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Am I a bad step mom…..

47 replies

Newmom90 · 30/12/2022 22:34

I have 2 step children, a girl and a boy. I’m really struggling to ‘love’ them and I feel awful about it.

I just find life so much easier and relaxed when they aren’t around.

we have them around quite a lot, they come for tea 3 nights a week and they sleep every other weekend. So one week we have them over 6 days, Tuesday - Sunday. We then have Monday off and have them for tea Tuesday to Thursday. Then it is our weekend off and it repeats like that.

The 4 days we don’t have them, they seem to fly by but the 6 days in a row seem to drag.

I have my own son who is 17 weeks old and I know I will feel differently about him as he is mine and this makes me feel guilty.

I try to enjoy time with them when they are here but I just don’t.

I feel like I can’t talk to any of my friends or family about this, as I do fear being judged.

I feel so much guilt about this, as I know my husband misses them when they aren’t here but I barely like having them around, let alone love them.

Can anyone else on here relate or am I a truly wicked step mom 😣

OP posts:
baublesandbreakdowns · 30/12/2022 22:40

I don't think you're wicked at all, you feel what you feel.

I wonder though, how long you were together before you moved in together and had a child and how well you knew these children?

I know people get irritated with the amount of step parent threads on here but I actually think they're massively useful in helping people realize how difficult and complex it is to blend families. Also how this changes when you have your own child.

I do wish people would really think hard about the reality of living with someone else's children, having a relationship with someone who is already a parent and all the baggage and expectation that goes along with that.

imalreadygone · 30/12/2022 22:42

Don't feel bad about feeling differently about them than your own child. That's completely normal. Has the pattern always been like this? How old are they? I found age 7-8 was challenging!

Original poster
Newmom90 · 30/12/2022 22:46

One is 7 and the other 6. They is only 15 months between them.

We’ve had this routine for 6 months now, since we moved into a current home.

We were living with my mother before, we was saving for a mortgage and our wedding but found out I was pregnant in Jan. So we had to find our own place sooner then planned.

OP posts:
Reugny · 30/12/2022 22:50

Do you leave it to your husband to get their tea etc? Or do you slave away?

If you are slaving away then it's not surprising you don't like them.

Original poster
Newmom90 · 30/12/2022 22:53

We take it in turns for cooking their tea, 9 times out of 10 I’m left to clear up the mess though.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 30/12/2022 22:58

You never lived together so these children never developed a relationship with you and got used to living together before a a baby was present. This is why blending properly is so important, before new children are attended into the mix.

sunlovingcriminal · 30/12/2022 22:59

Completely normal, and no- you're not a wicked step mother at all (sigh, that is something used to label us SM a lot of the time- as we can never "get it 100% right"- like most non-SM's to be fair).

The kids are old enough to start helping to clear up. Don't get caught in the trap of doing all the grunt work.

Take the pressure off yourself to be perfect, and give yourself a pat on the back for doing the best you can. The pressure of trying to feel the same about your step kids is probably is probably making it harder on you to relax and just enjoy the evenings.

Reugny · 30/12/2022 23:01

No wonder you don't like them around.

In a few weeks take your baby and go visit a relation/friend for a few days to coincide with at least one of the tea days and eow your step-children are supposed to be there.

Then if you come back to a mess have words with your husband about cleaning up after himself and all his children.

Make it clear you expect him to clean up after all his children not just his eldest. So if you go away when your kid is a toddler overnight you can return to a clean home.

Original poster
Newmom90 · 30/12/2022 23:01

The baby came as a shock. It’s wasn’t planned but I wouldn’t be without him.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 30/12/2022 23:03

It might not be planned but its just as hard for the other two kids as it is for you. Just bear that it in mind they also had alot of changes in their lives.

Original poster
Newmom90 · 30/12/2022 23:04

Sorry this was meant for a comment further up.

thank you for the advise, it is very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmom90 · 30/12/2022 23:06

They are not pushed aside due to the baby believe me. I would never have that happen, plus if anything my husband spends more time with them then us when they are here, but I expect that.

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 31/12/2022 01:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

toomuchlaundry · 31/12/2022 01:10

How long have they been in your life?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/12/2022 01:12

Why are you being left to clean up their mess? It’s fine to say to your partner that you are stressed when they are round because he isn’t pulling his weight and the extra work is falling to you.

AnotherRoadsideAttraction · 31/12/2022 01:20

@beachcitygirl that was really unkind and uncalled for. You’ve obviously never dealt with the emotional complexities of being a step parent. No need to shame the OP when she’s genuinely trying to work through her feelings.

Chantelle302412 · 31/12/2022 01:25

I feel you!!

i have a partner who’s got a son from previous and we have now got a 1 year old.

Before our 1 year old was born I was easy going, happy, just you know okay with everything. Then when our baby was born it got to me. At the start it was just every other weekend but then our city’s team would be playing on what should be our weekend so off he went leaving me and our child for 2/3 weeks on the trot.

first week in the summer holidays he had his child for the whole week so it was less time for me and the baby. This last week 5 solid days of having the other child. What I struggle with is it feels like it’s them two And us two and I don’t blame the child one little bit i blame my partner.

I got friendly with said child’s mother which made it easier and then they used to do things and pick up and drop off like leave me and my baby sat in the car for 15 minutes for what reason? my child would cry and he’d get back in the car non the wiser so I said something.

he goes to take the child training mid week and then a game at the weekend every weekend so every
weekend is some what in relation to the child and it drives me insane cause I feel like me and my child don’t get any proper quality time we get “ daddy after work” or daddy just not wanting to do anything xause he’s busy every other day or every other time.

im sorry I keep meaning to make my own post! But I feel you it is hard to accept, it’s intense and it’s overwhelming and I do think your partner has his other children way too much I don’t know how the mother allows it.

please try and claim back some of your time even if you take your child and nip out for an hour while they are there
to families or the shops it helps!! And the times they are not ask your partner to go somewhere with you or do something to create special moments and times where it’s not just about the children.

i am sorry you feel like this

Yousee · 31/12/2022 01:41

My life is easier and more relaxed when my own children aren't around. Obviously. Children can be hard work! Other peoples children come with all the additional annoyances that you can't do anything about layered on top.
The birth of your own child has probably shown you very clearly the difference between a step child and your own. Your own baby is above and beyond anything and anyone else on the planet. That's natural IMO, not something to struggle with or feel guilty about.
As long as you are kind and supportive of their relationship with their Dad and sibling, that's all that anyone can reasonably expect of any step mum.

sunlovingcriminal · 31/12/2022 07:57

@beachcitygirl give it a rest. Sounds like you have some issues to deal with. Go and do whatever demons you may have in a way that doesn't involve berating another person, who has come here for advice. The step parenting bashing on this forum is tedious.

Sellorkeep · 31/12/2022 10:10

Congrats on your surprise baby! I guess things have moved much more quickly than planned due to the new addition!
True, it’s a lot of contact. But that can also work in your favour. If your DP can do more of the drudge work then you can focus on building your relationship with your child’s older siblings. At this age they may be quite annoying but i imagine they can also be very sweet at ‘helping’ with baby. Find some little ways to make connections with each of them. Eg My DSD comes downstairs with her toothbrush and sits on my knee every single evening she is here to brush her teeth. I confess I have no idea how it started! It’s a nice little cuddle for both of us before her dad tucks her in for the night.
If you are always clearing up, is that because he is taking them back home? You need to agree some fairer ways of handling the routine. And as soon as you feel comfortable, leave DP with all three children so he gets used to looking after his brood! Your DP stepping up to all aspects of parenting is key.
Don’t let the stepmum bashers here make you think you are mean or cold. There’s been a zillion posts on here about stepmothers struggling with their step kids after the arrival of a new baby. Your situation is even more intense than that.

Sellorkeep · 31/12/2022 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The OP is 17 weeks post birth and has laid bare feelings she feels bad about in what she expected to be a safe place - an anonymous forum for stepmums. I think it would be kind to ask mumsnet to delete your judgemental, totally unhelpful post, and of course, to apologise to the OP for your uncalled for attack.

Sellorkeep · 31/12/2022 10:19

Ah it got deleted while I was typing :-)

KathyCornwall · 31/12/2022 10:31

I'm not a step mum, but my wife is. I'm so grateful to her. She has a lovely relationship with my , now grown up, children. She's known them since they were 8 and 10.

I'd say don't expect too much in terms of your feelings. Your relationship with them will develop however it develops. You can still treat them well, be welcoming, which you already are. Its relatively new to you all, so take your time and take some time out to yourself, with the baby if necessary, to break up the time a bit if you need to.

Be careful not to put yourself last, and he should definitely be clearing up after them, and teaching them the same.

Be clear with your husband also what you expect, and what he expects. It sounds like he's already overstepping so that needs to nipped in the bud.

They have a mum at home, don't feel pressure to take on that role, you can carve out your own role with them.

I hope the stepmums don't mind me commenting from this perspective.

aSofaNearYou · 31/12/2022 10:55

Your feelings sound very normal to me.

beachcitygirl · 31/12/2022 12:52

@sunlovingcriminal I'm a step
Mother & I will contribute my opinions and get advice myself as I please.

It's this type of person who gives all stepmums a a bad name.