DSC and gifts

[panko]

Bit annoyed because my DH knows I have got gifts to the DSC from me and our shared little one, we did this the last two years. And before that I've always got them a token sometning frlm myself. I asked him today what they'd got DC for Christmas and he just said nothing I didn't think it mattered.

I had to tell him it very much mattered, how are we all supposed to be equals in this family if Christmas just becomes about the older kids getting presents. I daren't even remind him they've got me something small every year too. Tbh they are old enough to sort it out themselves. I'm tempted to leave it and if nothing appears on Christmas day I won't bother next year and save myself the effort.

Of course they will, they are children OP? Sorry but this is bonkers. Full siblings of these ages don’t exchange presents. Surely the present you are giving the step children is just from you???? M A D

What like a selection box??? You are massively over invested in this. The poor children with a step mother so petty every GIFT has to be totted up to make sure you got something back for your baby. You don’t give a present to get one back. This is absolutely crazy stuff

You sound like you want to tear the bookmark up in the child’s face this year. I’m dumbfounded by what you’ve said in this thread. There is a big age gap between these children by the sound of it. Just because a teenager doesn’t want to hang about with a baby does not mean they have rejected the baby. Get your head round the feelings you are projecting on to innocent children and do yourself a huge favour - do not vocalise anything you have said here to anyone in real life. I would drop you like a stone if you were my friend. Awful.

@Sickofcoughing I'm glad some people get it thank you

Non blended family here and we facilitate time and cash so the siblings will get each other gifts - I think they enjoy it and it's important to think about the giving as well as the receiving part

You sound hurt on behalf of your DC that they have bought for each other but not DC, if you don't see other examples of meanness I wouldn't read too much into that - they are probably used to compartmentalising to 'mum's family' and 'dad's family' and out of context it didn't occur

Your DH on the other hand has no excuse

Honestly @Eyerollcentral some of what you said above is so much projection I have got to laugh.

If this situation was flipped and DSC weren't getting a present from Dc and showed any sign of upset - people would be up in arms.

Also people are acting like OPs husband has no role in this ffs he could help DSC chose something small like chocolate coins from tescos.

Christmas is always a tough time with blended families because it tends to put a spotlight on things that are glossed over the rest of the year.

I would do what you’ve done in previous years this year and after Christmas have a proper chat with your DH about it in the New Year while things are fresh in your minds but not so pressured.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your DSCs which bodes well for the future. You just need to make your DH realise that is something very precious.

It's not about totting up every single thing. It's about OP's DH not doing the simple act of saying to his DC "don't forget your new sibling, let's pick something out for you to gift".

From age 10 or 11 i always used pocket money to buy for dsis. There's a long diary entry i recently read that i had written about buying her a live and kicking related toy which i was excited to give.

The worst part is surely your DH isolating a child by buying for all the kids except the youngest?

It distinctly comes across as totting up. Fgs the OP is sucking the joy out of gift giving. I have no idea why she made the gift from her and the baby. She should have left it how it was. Buying a present from a baby to much older siblings is absolute nonsense and has caused the OP nothing but heartache here. I can see why the husband is not taking this on at all, it’s crackers.

Projection?? How could it be? I’m not a step mother or a step child. I am a relatively sane adult though. No 13 year old is going to cry because they didn’t get a present from a baby. It’s the OP who introduced this concept and seems to have done so so that ultimately all the attention goes back to her baby. She has been denied that and is now cancelling Christmas.

I've watched my step sons give absolutely nothing. They are young adults now. They spend spend spend on friends and put the gifts under our tree.
But make no effort and haven't ever made an effort with family.
My parents tried hard to be inclusive as did my wider family, as did my husbands family. After many consecutive years of not even a thank you for the generous gifts given I've told the wider family firmly not to bother. Just a card from now on. Disrespectful. They are not interested in the people who are giving.

@Eyerollcentral She has been denied that and is now cancelling Christmas.

when has she said she's cancelling Christmas 😂😂😂

@hourbyhour101 you are a v literal person aren’t you! Let me rephrase it so you can understand my meaning - the OP is coming across as mean spirited and transactional in terms of her Christmas gifting to two children that previously she had no expectation of receiving a gift from. She seems to have abandoned any sense of what Christmas giving is meant to be about - generosity. Thus I described her attitude as ‘cancelling Christmas’, do you see?

I don't have step children but have a foster child. My adult 3 DC buy a gift for foster son as well as for each of their siblings. Foster son uses his pocket money to buy small gift for my 3 DC. He picks them a selection box, chocolate orange or Matchmakers. It is all part of learning to budget and thinking of what others would like. Perfectly normal in my book.

I think the real problem here is your DH. You say he buys his older children gifts. Does he buy his younger child with you gifts too? He should treat his children equally. Gifts to his older children should be from both of you. You should not have to gift them separately. Your DH needs to step up and take older kids to get younger kid a gift if they have bought for each other. Your dh is not helping older kids to become nice caring humans is he.

@Eyerollcentral interesting I wouldn't call it literal, I would call it not making assumptions based on thin air and stating it as fact. Your perspective is she's going to cancel Christmas (which is iMO a jump) and a projection that has no founding.

This isn't about the presents her DSC chose not to get for her DC. It's about treating others how you would like to be treated, and the different morals people bring up the children to have.

I personally wouldn't be ok with my dc getting presents for everyone bar one person. But everyone's families and morals are different...

You honestly think a ten year old will think of buying a gift for a much younger child? Get the money, go to a shop alone and buy the gift? Know what is age appropriate?

this is a primary school child? Even at thirteen I wouldn’t have been Christmas shopping for family. I might have gone to the body shop and bough bath beads in little plastic Christmas trees for my friends, but for a sibling? No that was my parent responsibility!

how independent is this 13 year old? Is he or she going to shops after school alone?

@hourbyhour101 I don’t think anyone totting up gifts is in any position to discuss the ‘morality’ of present buying (a very odd concept).
I think I’ve already explained what I was referring to as cancelling Christmas. Don’t know why you keep ignoring that. The OP did say something along the lines of hoping her child doesn’t care about their half siblings the way she assumes they don’t care about the baby over two children not buying a gift for a baby…it doesn’t scream happy Christmas to me but as you say all families are different

It's a DH problem.

Not a child problem.

I've never heard of siblings buying each other presents as children personally! We certainly never did and my DSC never do either.

If this is something you want to establish OP then take charge and do it. If no one else is bothered then stop buying them something from the baby.

My DSC (much older than our joint child) show they love and care for our joint son throughout the year by reading him stories, ruffling his hair, giving him cuddles, asking after him when at their mums, being happy to see him even when he runs in their room and disturbs their gaming with mates!! (Even we don't get the privilege of a game being paused but my son always does 🙂). That's what matters, not a gift they've been told to buy at Christmas.

My DSD came bouncing in the door last night so excited to tell us what she has bought her brothers for Christmas. Nobody told her to buy anything and she says she can't wait for them to be opened so they can play together 🤷‍♀️

That's lovely but OPs DSCs do appear to need to be told to buy a gift for her baby otherwise they won't.

I don't see why a gift matters, a gift they haven't gotten of their own accord, if they show their love and care for their sibling in other ways in day to day life.

I've never been disappointed that my DSC haven't thought to buy a gift for my child. Because why would I? They don't need to buy our child a gift. They show their care for their sibling all the time in ways that truly matter. I just don't see this as a big deal personally but if OP is the one who wants to place lots of emphasis on siblings exchanging gifts (and her DH doesn't seem fussed about doing this), then she can take charge and do so, no one's stopping her.

You are the adult in this scenario. Please stop with your pettiness and sulking - it’s not a good look.

OP, You are being ridiculous and petty. And no, I'm not in the First Wives Club.

You are just going to ruin Christmas for yourself and for everyone around you if you make this a hill to die on.

Your toddler will neither know nor care.

I'm sure all the kids will receive plenty of gifts and everyone will be happy. And your toddler didn't buy a gift for his siblings and unless your DSCs are somehow working and earning money themselves, they too will be reliant on their parents to fund gift buying.