DSC and gifts

[panko]

Bit annoyed because my DH knows I have got gifts to the DSC from me and our shared little one, we did this the last two years. And before that I've always got them a token sometning frlm myself. I asked him today what they'd got DC for Christmas and he just said nothing I didn't think it mattered.

I had to tell him it very much mattered, how are we all supposed to be equals in this family if Christmas just becomes about the older kids getting presents. I daren't even remind him they've got me something small every year too. Tbh they are old enough to sort it out themselves. I'm tempted to leave it and if nothing appears on Christmas day I won't bother next year and save myself the effort.

I suspect this isn't the only excuse you have for sniping about your husbands children.

I know they are CHILDREN!

It's just very hard judging all this. I don't want them to feel like they have to fake a bond or anything. I am protective of DC's feelings though so yes if they decide to be more distant that's fine bit of won't encourage DC to see them as closer than they are if that's that case that seems the right thing to do. At the moment DC idolised both of them.

Don’t put the blame on the DC, this is all down to their dad, and partly your own fault for not sitting down with him and having a discussion about what you want.

if you expect them to buy for their sibling you need to make that explicit. If they have bought for each other at their mum’s house that is probably down to her! In my experience siblings don’t tend to buy for each other, we never did as kids. 10 and 13 is NOT old enough to do it entirely for themselves!

We are a blended family with 5 kids between us- when we moved in together we started a secret Santa with the kids- we give them each £10, they pull a name out of a hat and buy for that person. They really enjoy it. Most importantly we came up with our own way of doing things for our new family
dynamic and told the kids what we were doing- you need to do the same!

In fact couldn’t it be a nice bonding thing for you to do with them? Take them
to a toy shop and give them a tenner, say “X would really like a present chosen by you two” - that way you set a precedent for next year?

You sound absolutely pathetic, sorry.

Talking about how they're distancing themselves and how you'll make sure your child doesn't get too close to his siblings because they (two children) haven't bought him a Christmas gift. Awful.

It's a symptom of a wider problem. Not the problem. Those who have been there will get it.

It all sounds dysfunctional, your husband sounds a shit partner and dad, he can’t be bothered. I feel sorry for you all. So much resentment, not that I blame you with such a crap husband. What a miserable set up.

Agree with above. You've become a blended family but you haven't. They way you talk about them and the way you buy presents suggests you're very much 2 separate families.

They're kids. I don't think the way you go about things is encouraging them or your Dc when older to think of each other as one family. Very strange.

Do you mean us shopping separately? That has always been how we've done it means they can get something nice from their dad with sentimental meaning and I can buy them something else nice.

My DC’s grew up with 3 half siblings, they never bought presents for each other as children. As the step children became older teens (14+) they would buy my DC’s a token gift, usually something from Poundland. It’s something we never really thought about, they are children, they do t earn money so why should they have to buy gifts for their siblings and half siblings?

Also all of the step children's gifts were from both of us, not individual from me and their dad.

We aren't going to do that. It's important for them to have something from their dad.

@panko don't get me wrong, I believe all children should be taught that Christmas isn't just about getting gifts.

But you aren't in control of these lessons which in my opinion should have been taught at a younger age.

I'm not saying it doesn't matter or I can't see how it would sting. I'm saying that it's not really about the presents so much as the type of values the children will hold and they are probably set by this age so to focus on your Dc and have a chat with your DH.

Well I'm feeling more and more appreciative of my 10 year old DSD by the second. She's one of the sweetest souls in the world and loves to pick out gifts for her little brothers. She loves it a little too much if anything, she spends too much of her own pocket money for my liking.
What a shame so many people have children in their lives who couldn't possibly be expected to think of a mere half sibling at Christmas.

@hourbyhour101 Yes good point

Not read it all but I am guessing that your DSC mum actually bought the present from one of them to the other? The present from your dc to your dsc - is that actually from you really and not from your dc? I don’t think the dsc need to buy a present for your dc. But as the adult I think it’s nice that you get your dsc a present, but don’t expect one back. I get presents for my bf’s kids but they don’t buy me one. I don’t need presents.

I was the same, used to love making presents for everyone.

@Yousee your daughter has your help to go to these shops and pay for the goods. No one is helping these step children.

Yes thank you that is why I was pissed off with DH

It’s very normal for small children to idolise much older children. It also quite normal
for small children to behave in a way which is quite irritating for preteens/ teens. The younger one is not ‘kinder’ it’s merely a very normal developmental thing that occurs with such an age gap, whether they are full or half siblings. You are taking this far too personally and it’s your job to continue to encourage the relationship. Think of it as a good thing for your child, it will take time but they may become really close, especially when they are older and can have a more equal relationship. The roles often reverse when the older ones are in their 20s and your child becomes a teenager, and they have the maturity to Foster the relationship

You are being ridiculous. Surely you and your dh but gifts for your stepchildren together. You will also as a couple buy some gifts for your toddler. Why would the dsc need to buy gifts for you and dh or for their sibling. They are just kids.

No we don't. It works for us. He buys a gift. I buy a gift. He buys one for them to give to their mum, she helps them make something for him.

It's just how it works. Everyone gives everyone a present. We aren't talking MASSIVE things here. The best thing I got was a nice handmade book mark from my eldest DSC. I treasure it.

You are making this into a thing when it doesn't need to be. It also seems to be what you want it to be. Your dh and step kids do not seem to be so invested in this as you are.

Meh. I’d just stop with the sibling gifts. That will set its own precedent. If your DH has something to say about it, just say “Oh I thought we weren’t bothering.”

I understand OP. As children myself and my siblings always gave gifts to everyone in the family. We had savings for this from pocket money.

When I met my DP, himself and his ex agreed budgets and big presents for their shared teenagekids. I wasn't going to be involved with that. The first Christmas his children each informed me what they would like for their present from me. I was a bit taken aback but figured that was just how things were done in their family.

I assumed I would be given a token gift from them. I was wrong. I also never heard the word thanks. I continued buying gifts as I enjoyed giving them and they're not my children therefore not my responsibility to instill manners in. They didn't buy presents for their own parents for any occasiin, their half sibling (my DC with their dad) to this day and are unsurprisingly self entitled spoilt young adults. Not my problem.

My DC is already making gifts for everyone including their siblings.

Personally in your shoes I would spell it out clearly to DH what you want him to do. Your DSC are still young enough to be encouraged to be generous to their sibling.