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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Treat kids differently

54 replies

Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 01:36

My husband has two kids from a previous marriage, I have kids from my previous marriage me we have twins together who are 7 weeks old.
My DH kids are causing a real strain in the family home. They are age 11 and 8. They tantrum A LOT, every time they don't get their own way. They refuse to get dressed for school, one refuses to wear school uniform which results in DH bollocking him which ends on shouting in the mornings. Now my kids keep kicking off that they have to wear school uniform when he doesn't. One boy throws things, smashes up his room and screams/ shouts when he gets told off/ has consequences which 9/10 DH goes back on for an easy life. My kids do not usually behave this way but this week my daughter (9) went nuts and threw things all around her room as she was told to get ready for school. She wouldn't usually dream of behaving this way. I was calmly dealing with it and DH went nuts. One of his boys claims that my children are bullying him every time he doesn't get his way playing games etc, today it was because he lost at a game of rock paper scissors, he was crying and went running to his dad dying my kids called him a loser. It transpired that he had made it all up because he lost the game, DH gave him hugs and comforted him instead of giving him consequences for lying. When at their mums they are allowed to be on their phones/ Xbox etc constantly and aren't allowed to do that here, as aren't my kids. We get loads of 'mummy lets us do cuz' and DH won't address this with her even when it's about them during large bottles of lucozade, eating tonnes of sweets and not going to bed until 3 am. My kids are not allowed to do this but his are a nightmare to get to bed when they come to us. Their mum lets them sleep in till midday when they should be at school. They haven't been to school with their mum for around 6 months and are under social services with her to get them to go to school.
They ignore me if I ask them to do something or ask them to stop doing something. One of them runs around the house all the time a DH says nothing but my kids he tells off.
Hi ex wants us to have ad-hoc contact with the kids so sometimes we have them for the weekend and other weeks we have them for 2 weeks, often with just 2/3 hours notice and sometimes 10 mins before she comes to the door. AIBU in wanting a bit of notice. I have had to cancel appointments for the twins and my other children so I am home for his kids to get in from school due to the adhoc nature of when we have them and due to the short notice, mine go to after school club till DH finishes work. I am completely done in. I am sick of his kids acting the way they do, I'm sick of my kids being treated differently by DH and I'm sick of DH letting his ex take the piss. I have suggested that we have set days with his kids so we can make arrangements for appointment etc on the days we don't have them so we don't have to rearrange stuff. I have asked him to address this with his ex-w but he never does as he 'scared' she will stop him seeing the kids all together.
I just want to cry some days as it's so stressful, I want to calmly and gently parent my children and have a calm household, but this is all going out of the window in the midst of the shouting, tantrums and general chaos when his kids are here.
Maybe I'm just hormonal from having the twins, or maybe I'm being unreasonable.
Sorry this is such a long rant post, I'm up breastfeeding the babies max just feeling like total shit about it all DH has gone away for the night so I'm dealing with it all on my own.
If you are still reading then Thankyou

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

toomuchlaundry · 11/12/2022 01:40

Not sure adding extra children into the mix helped. Are you saying the DSC are with you now and DH has gone away?

OlleOskiFelle · 11/12/2022 01:45

Your DH is the problem.

Boobingtons · 11/12/2022 01:48

What’s your husband doing to support his children? Why isn’t he looking for full custody if their mother isn’t sending them to school?

Adding even more children to this mess wasn’t a smart move.

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 01:58

Boobingtons · 11/12/2022 01:48

What’s your husband doing to support his children? Why isn’t he looking for full custody if their mother isn’t sending them to school?

Adding even more children to this mess wasn’t a smart move.

The twins were not planned, it was a massive shock as we were using contraception and I was due to get my tubes tied a months after we found out I was pregnant.
DH is fantastic when his boys are not here, it just all goes to shite when they are here. He supports them to go to school and encourages them to make better choices but doesn't implement the same expectations as my kids and will go back on consequences with them if they kick off or say 'I want to go back to mummies house' which they do often and on occasion they have texted her without our knowledge that they want to go home and she has turned up at the door. This was due to them not being allowed on the Xbox longer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 02:02

I want him to go to a solicitor and apply for a child arrangement order and get some consistency in their lives but he is reluctant and says ' the court always favours the mother and I will lose all contact'.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 02:04

Boobingtons · 11/12/2022 01:48

What’s your husband doing to support his children? Why isn’t he looking for full custody if their mother isn’t sending them to school?

Adding even more children to this mess wasn’t a smart move.

I should add that their mum is saying they refuse to go and she can't force them.she keeps saying that they have anxiety to SS.

OP posts:

roseheartfly · 11/12/2022 04:23

I think you are blaming DSC for changes in your DC... which are most likely due to adjusting to newborn twins,

Yousee · 11/12/2022 05:02

When you say he has gone away for the night and left you dealing with it all... You don't mean his out of control children are currently your responsibility? As well as 7 week old twins and your own older kids?

If so, I'd be telling him you won't be looking after them again until he can parent effectively and gives you the authority to do the same. He doesn't get to just inflict them on you then walk away.

Oh and not parenting them effectively is clearly not giving him an "easy life".

TheYummyPatler · 11/12/2022 08:13

There’s lots here.

At heart, your husband is letting you down very badly indeed.

You are recovering from a birth and looking after infant twins. That’s a lot and he’s not supporting you.

All the older children will be struggling a bit with the huge upheaval that twin babies brings to their lives. They need consistency and constancy to help them through this.

Your husband’s failure to be consistent for his children, and go take decisive action where his ex is letting them down, is impacting your ability to support any of the children.

His children’s poor behaviour (and lack
of consequences) is affecting your children’s behaviour in all this.

It’s a mess. But the core of it is a man who is letting everyone down. And has buggered off for the weekend to do what he likes.

You cannot control any of what’s happening with the SC - their parents are the only ones who can sort that out. But you can reflect on how much easier (even with newborn twins!) it might actually be as a single parent to just your children. Because, hard as that would be, it would be better than this current mess. And talk to your husband about that.

If he wants to be a nonresident father to all his children, he’s going the right way about it. Or he can step up, support you and take the right action to support his children.

Nordix · 11/12/2022 08:23

It sounds like this blended family is not
working. And you need to prioritise your kids’ wellbeing. It must be very stressful for them living in this kind of household.

How long have you known DH and how long have you all lived together?

LisaJool · 11/12/2022 08:25

This is a very hard situation for all of the dc, who have had to deal with major changes. Don't underestimate how this is going to impact on your dc, the upheaval, inconsistency and behavioural issues. I'd ask DH to move out and live separately for the sake of your dc. He doesn't sound like much help anyway.

Everydaywheniwakeup · 11/12/2022 08:26

Your hormones may well be all over the place but your actual problem is that you chose to marry a man who is a shit dad.

Berthatydfil · 11/12/2022 08:35

He is your problem. I was going to write a long post but deleted it - basically LTB and his kids as its not going to get any better.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/12/2022 08:41

I don't know how you can live like that. I can't understand why he hasn't gone for full custody given his children aren't going to school.

I know it's easy to say, but in your situation, I would want to live with my own children and not with his older children all, or with him.

He is not fair to your children. His children are out of control and there is nothing you could do to sort that. Put your children first and separate from his family.

gogohmm · 11/12/2022 08:48

I'll be honest, if what you implied about the mothers parenting is true, those children need to live with you full time, whilst at first it would be hard, they need consistency and firm parenting, hopefully your dh can get professional help to understand their needs. They have had poor upbringing from their mum.

littlehouselights · 11/12/2022 08:56

Why is your husband enabling abuse of his children?

Climbles · 11/12/2022 09:01

I think you have to do what’s best for your children. Move out and give them some stability. It’s a horrible decision when you love your DH but kids come first.

TheYummyPatler · 11/12/2022 09:02

Don’t move out. He should move out. The OP has 7 week old twins and two other children.

He can move out.

MelchiorsMistress · 11/12/2022 09:08

They sound like very unhappy and mixed up children which isn’t surprising considering their circumstances. They’ve had four siblings they don’t want forced on them and those siblings get to live with their dad when they don’t. I’d be more worried about them if they weren’t misbehaving as a cry for attention.

I agree with the advice above that you should move out to give all the children some stability.

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 11/12/2022 09:15

If your DH refuse to deal with the awful behaviour of his children then tell him to get out and take them with him.

Refuse to have them on your own. Say no to extra time. The ex won't stop him seeing them she can't wait to be rid of them and their behaviour.

Either he puts his foot down or he moves out. Your children deserve better.

cansu · 11/12/2022 09:20

I think that if he and his ex are not on the same page with ref to school it will only continue. He maybe needs to be clear that he will only have them during the week to stay if there is a joint plan for school. Those children are running the show because their parents are not united in how they deal with them.

FuckMyLife2022 · 11/12/2022 09:21

Baffling that you were so adamant on no more children, due to be sterilised but continued with an unwanted pregnancy anyway, even more so when you throw in that DH is a shit Dad who’s too weak to insist on a routine for contact/discipline his children/go to court.

His DC are like this because their mother is chaotic with no boundaries and their father has no boundaries - I can’t see how OP and her DCs are at fault for that. Possibly made it worse but the vast majority of the reason why lies at the feet of their own parents.

Quitelikeit · 11/12/2022 09:27

Why not put your foot down?

insist on a contact schedule, and I mean insist on it

you don’t have to March to anyone’s best in your own home and you need to make that clear now

if these children are showing up and behaving feral then he needs to immediately remove their devices as a punishment

he needs to work closely with the mother and they need to agree what should happen if the children wish to return home because they can’t get on the PlayStation or whatever!!!

currently the step kids have a lack of stability by not have consistent boundaries and a chaotic contact schedule

this means chaos for you and your kids

just no. If nothing changes sharpish I’m afraid I’d live apart from this man!

StClare101 · 11/12/2022 09:45

God I’d be out of there like a shot.

Absolute bullshit that he says “the court always sides with the mother and he’s lose all contact”. He just doesn’t want to parent them.

Why on earth did you marry this dickhead?

notapizzaeater · 11/12/2022 10:01

Have SS spoke to you about the mum and school - you either need them there all the time and work in all of these issues or I'd walk away

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