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Original poster

Treat kids differently

54 replies

Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 01:36

My husband has two kids from a previous marriage, I have kids from my previous marriage me we have twins together who are 7 weeks old.
My DH kids are causing a real strain in the family home. They are age 11 and 8. They tantrum A LOT, every time they don't get their own way. They refuse to get dressed for school, one refuses to wear school uniform which results in DH bollocking him which ends on shouting in the mornings. Now my kids keep kicking off that they have to wear school uniform when he doesn't. One boy throws things, smashes up his room and screams/ shouts when he gets told off/ has consequences which 9/10 DH goes back on for an easy life. My kids do not usually behave this way but this week my daughter (9) went nuts and threw things all around her room as she was told to get ready for school. She wouldn't usually dream of behaving this way. I was calmly dealing with it and DH went nuts. One of his boys claims that my children are bullying him every time he doesn't get his way playing games etc, today it was because he lost at a game of rock paper scissors, he was crying and went running to his dad dying my kids called him a loser. It transpired that he had made it all up because he lost the game, DH gave him hugs and comforted him instead of giving him consequences for lying. When at their mums they are allowed to be on their phones/ Xbox etc constantly and aren't allowed to do that here, as aren't my kids. We get loads of 'mummy lets us do cuz' and DH won't address this with her even when it's about them during large bottles of lucozade, eating tonnes of sweets and not going to bed until 3 am. My kids are not allowed to do this but his are a nightmare to get to bed when they come to us. Their mum lets them sleep in till midday when they should be at school. They haven't been to school with their mum for around 6 months and are under social services with her to get them to go to school.
They ignore me if I ask them to do something or ask them to stop doing something. One of them runs around the house all the time a DH says nothing but my kids he tells off.
Hi ex wants us to have ad-hoc contact with the kids so sometimes we have them for the weekend and other weeks we have them for 2 weeks, often with just 2/3 hours notice and sometimes 10 mins before she comes to the door. AIBU in wanting a bit of notice. I have had to cancel appointments for the twins and my other children so I am home for his kids to get in from school due to the adhoc nature of when we have them and due to the short notice, mine go to after school club till DH finishes work. I am completely done in. I am sick of his kids acting the way they do, I'm sick of my kids being treated differently by DH and I'm sick of DH letting his ex take the piss. I have suggested that we have set days with his kids so we can make arrangements for appointment etc on the days we don't have them so we don't have to rearrange stuff. I have asked him to address this with his ex-w but he never does as he 'scared' she will stop him seeing the kids all together.
I just want to cry some days as it's so stressful, I want to calmly and gently parent my children and have a calm household, but this is all going out of the window in the midst of the shouting, tantrums and general chaos when his kids are here.
Maybe I'm just hormonal from having the twins, or maybe I'm being unreasonable.
Sorry this is such a long rant post, I'm up breastfeeding the babies max just feeling like total shit about it all DH has gone away for the night so I'm dealing with it all on my own.
If you are still reading then Thankyou

OP posts:
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GrazingSheep · 11/12/2022 10:05

Who owns the house?

Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 10:09

roseheartfly · 11/12/2022 04:23

I think you are blaming DSC for changes in your DC... which are most likely due to adjusting to newborn twins,

It was like this before the twins.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 10:13

TheYummyPatler · 11/12/2022 08:13

There’s lots here.

At heart, your husband is letting you down very badly indeed.

You are recovering from a birth and looking after infant twins. That’s a lot and he’s not supporting you.

All the older children will be struggling a bit with the huge upheaval that twin babies brings to their lives. They need consistency and constancy to help them through this.

Your husband’s failure to be consistent for his children, and go take decisive action where his ex is letting them down, is impacting your ability to support any of the children.

His children’s poor behaviour (and lack
of consequences) is affecting your children’s behaviour in all this.

It’s a mess. But the core of it is a man who is letting everyone down. And has buggered off for the weekend to do what he likes.

You cannot control any of what’s happening with the SC - their parents are the only ones who can sort that out. But you can reflect on how much easier (even with newborn twins!) it might actually be as a single parent to just your children. Because, hard as that would be, it would be better than this current mess. And talk to your husband about that.

If he wants to be a nonresident father to all his children, he’s going the right way about it. Or he can step up, support you and take the right action to support his children.

Thankyou, I feel like I need to have this discussion with him and that is on me as I have been scared to broach it. Ultimately I would cope as a single parent, I was a single parent when I met him and was for a number of years and I know I would cope better without all this shit as I do cope better when the disruption isn't here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 10:13

Nordix · 11/12/2022 08:23

It sounds like this blended family is not
working. And you need to prioritise your kids’ wellbeing. It must be very stressful for them living in this kind of household.

How long have you known DH and how long have you all lived together?

Known for 5 years lived together for 2

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 11/12/2022 10:15

roseheartfly · Today 04:23
I think you are blaming DSC for changes in your DC... which are most likely due to adjusting to newborn twins“

That was my first thought, too.

Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 10:17

gogohmm · 11/12/2022 08:48

I'll be honest, if what you implied about the mothers parenting is true, those children need to live with you full time, whilst at first it would be hard, they need consistency and firm parenting, hopefully your dh can get professional help to understand their needs. They have had poor upbringing from their mum.

I believe if they were with us full time then we would get this behaviour under control, when they have been with us they have eventually gone to school by Tuesday/ weds of each week and tbh it's just Monday that we have the most amount of kick offs. You are right in that to begin with it will be hard but we could overcome that if DH is consistent with them and instates some boundaries without the fear that she will take the kids away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 10:20

GrazingSheep · 11/12/2022 10:05

Who owns the house?

Neither, we rent

OP posts:
Ameadowwalk · 11/12/2022 10:20

I am afraid the only way you will be able to ‘calmly and gently’ parent your children is by separating from this man, and him dealing with his older DC in his own time.
Basically, it sounds like these children have had no consistency. If his youngest is eight, and you have known each other for five years (in a relationship?), his youngest was only three at that point. These issues have not developed overnight, so at some point, your DH has made the bad decision to set up a life with you before he has addressed the issues with his existing children. It is simply not possible to blame everything on their mother. Your DH has a responsibility to parent his children. It sounds like they have had no consistency. Aside from SS intervention, have they had any other external support? Has he made any effort to identify what support would be useful? What exactly has he done about this situation? I am betting not much, if he is not even able to get consistent contact in place.

Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 10:25

Ameadowwalk · 11/12/2022 10:20

I am afraid the only way you will be able to ‘calmly and gently’ parent your children is by separating from this man, and him dealing with his older DC in his own time.
Basically, it sounds like these children have had no consistency. If his youngest is eight, and you have known each other for five years (in a relationship?), his youngest was only three at that point. These issues have not developed overnight, so at some point, your DH has made the bad decision to set up a life with you before he has addressed the issues with his existing children. It is simply not possible to blame everything on their mother. Your DH has a responsibility to parent his children. It sounds like they have had no consistency. Aside from SS intervention, have they had any other external support? Has he made any effort to identify what support would be useful? What exactly has he done about this situation? I am betting not much, if he is not even able to get consistent contact in place.

Honestly nothing.
I was the one who looked up mediation for him to suggest to her, which she has declined. I looked up what you need to do to get a CAO in place and go before a judge and encouraged him to speak to solicitors. We did do a calculation thingy with a solicitor last week to see if we could get any legal aid and we can't and he is reluctant to dip into saving for it, o would be happy to use the savings to get this sorted properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 10:31

I know having the twins has caused some adjusting for all of the children but I believe the fact that my children don't act up when his children aren't here says it all really. Im not saying they don't ever do anything wrong but the screaming and shouting and point blank refusal to get dressed for school only happens when his kids are here doing it. I know you are all right and I need to address this with DH asap for all the kids sakes and for my sanity.
I will write down everything we need to talk about and be firm in saying what I need for the relationship to continue. I am back to work in 8 months and won't be able to cope with this amount of stress then. I lay awake for ages last night breastfeeding the babbas and thinking about this. I need to be strong in insisting it changes or it's over and he needs to actively seek to get some consistency in place for his kids.

OP posts:
Boobingtons · 11/12/2022 10:43

Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 10:20

Neither, we rent

Show quote history

Are you married?

Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 10:53

Yes

OP posts:
vivaespanaole · 11/12/2022 11:03

DH needs to step up because actually EVERYONE is unhappy and you cant fix this on your own on behalf of 8 people. 9 if you include their mother.

His children are illustrating through their difficult behaviour that they are crying out for help/love/understanding/routine/discipline/security whatever it may be. One of their parents needs to be actively dealing with this. Can your DH contact social services re the non school attending and be frank about other concerns and a link amongst it all. And ask for some support in establishing some structure and routines? Worth a try before going down the court route.

You have four other children you are responsible for you cant fix the situation with your step children. All you can do is support your DH if he decides to tackle it and it sounds like you are absolutely clear that you want to do that.

Good luck, it sounds very difficult.

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 11/12/2022 11:08

Ime (friends and acquaintances) blended families rarely work that well. Asking children to suddenly live with virtual strangers is just very unfair imo. Put your own DC first and end the relationship OP. The situation will never change for as long as you are together.

Lbnc2021 · 11/12/2022 11:11

What an absolute shitshow this all is. It’s the children I feel sorry for, my head is fried just reading this so god knows how they feel living in it. Split up with him and bring some calm into your DCs lives.

JubileeTrifle · 11/12/2022 11:23

He needs to write down what the contact he is having with his children is, keep a diary. Then speak to a solicitor instead of brushing aside with ‘he won’t get contact’.
He quite clearly will get contact and possibly residency if the children. He’s got 10 more years at least with dealing with this so he’d better get it sorted. The fact mum refused mediation goes against her.
Does he pay her maintenance? Because that should be reviewed if you are having the children 2 weeks at a time etc.

He needs fixed contact which he is there for. End of.

All this sounds chaos and honestly going to work with twins this is the last thing you need. Managing twins needs routine especially with older children.

It’s up to you to stay, but you need to sort this out. Your own children are suffering and haven’t asked for any of this. His children are also suffering and he needs to sort that out. I’m also not a fan of blended families and rarely see it work, the most successful ones are usually where there is no ex involved, children want routine and this isn’t it.

Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 11:38

JubileeTrifle · 11/12/2022 11:23

He needs to write down what the contact he is having with his children is, keep a diary. Then speak to a solicitor instead of brushing aside with ‘he won’t get contact’.
He quite clearly will get contact and possibly residency if the children. He’s got 10 more years at least with dealing with this so he’d better get it sorted. The fact mum refused mediation goes against her.
Does he pay her maintenance? Because that should be reviewed if you are having the children 2 weeks at a time etc.

He needs fixed contact which he is there for. End of.

All this sounds chaos and honestly going to work with twins this is the last thing you need. Managing twins needs routine especially with older children.

It’s up to you to stay, but you need to sort this out. Your own children are suffering and haven’t asked for any of this. His children are also suffering and he needs to sort that out. I’m also not a fan of blended families and rarely see it work, the most successful ones are usually where there is no ex involved, children want routine and this isn’t it.

I can't afford not to go back to work and I love my job. I have a good routine with the twins, the are demand feeding mostly but I get up and 6, dream feed them both and then go get a shower and then get the kids up for school. We have a calm morning getting ready, having breakfast and getting in the car for drop off etc. then I come home and get housework done and see to the twins. When DH kids are here I leave him to it to deal with their kick offs and I keep to the same routine that my kids always have as best I can with his two shouting and screaming etc. I calmly but firmly address my children about their conduct when they copy DH kids behaviour and deal with it. They are great most of the time it's just when DH kids are here that our routine goes to shite.
I am going to give DH the ultimatum that he gets a routine and consistency with his boys or he can move out and deal with them on his own.
I can't control what his ex does or what he does but I can say how I feel and what I need him to do to put it right for me and my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 11:39

JubileeTrifle · 11/12/2022 11:23

He needs to write down what the contact he is having with his children is, keep a diary. Then speak to a solicitor instead of brushing aside with ‘he won’t get contact’.
He quite clearly will get contact and possibly residency if the children. He’s got 10 more years at least with dealing with this so he’d better get it sorted. The fact mum refused mediation goes against her.
Does he pay her maintenance? Because that should be reviewed if you are having the children 2 weeks at a time etc.

He needs fixed contact which he is there for. End of.

All this sounds chaos and honestly going to work with twins this is the last thing you need. Managing twins needs routine especially with older children.

It’s up to you to stay, but you need to sort this out. Your own children are suffering and haven’t asked for any of this. His children are also suffering and he needs to sort that out. I’m also not a fan of blended families and rarely see it work, the most successful ones are usually where there is no ex involved, children want routine and this isn’t it.

Yes he pays maintenance and shares the cost of clothing, school trips etc

OP posts:
SwimInTheRain · 11/12/2022 12:10

You are far from unreasonable to need predictability in your life, consistency and reliability from your DHs parenting, and some consideration of your needs and support from him. It sounds like you are absorbing the impact of the current arrangement. Which is clearly not sustainable in the long term. He dictates things to get what he wants out of the situation at the expense of your mental health and your kids well-being. I think you are spot on to say you need some major changes as you are primarily responsibility for your own children. Also your babies are so little so you have several intense years ahead raising your young children. You'll simply burn out if this continues. It sounds like you are on the right track, being clear about your bottom line and what you will do if he cannot listen to you.

panko · 11/12/2022 12:27

toomuchlaundry · 11/12/2022 01:40

Not sure adding extra children into the mix helped. Are you saying the DSC are with you now and DH has gone away?

How is that helpful

Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 11/12/2022 15:04

Thankyou for all of your replies, DH has just taken his kids to the shop to buy a toy despite them only going to school one day this week and after last nights fiasco. It's really pissed me off so I will be sitting with him tonight to discuss how I feel, how my kids are being affected and what needs to happen for us to work.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 11/12/2022 15:35

6 dcs will always be hard more so when blending. 2 years living together when you were pregnant aswell was no time. It was crazy to continue with the pregnancy and trying to remain blended. It's not working. You need to consider all the ends of the children, I'd suggest you seperate your family units and live seperately.

MeridianB · 11/12/2022 15:47

Wow. I think most people would advise you to run if it weren’t for the twins.

So their mum pumps them full of sugar and caffeine, let’s them spend all their time gaming, and they go to sleep at 3am. But it’s not obvious to her why they are anxious and not ready for school? This is neglect of their physical and mental health and education.

@JubileeTrifle Is right. DH needs fix contact and stick to it. No more switches or last minute changes - that kind of flexibility only works when other aspects of co-parenting are going well. Ideally he’d apply for residency and bring some consistency and mature parenting to these boys’ lives before it’s too late. In a few short years from now, they could be facing a world they are completely incapable of living in.

He also needs to go zero tolerance on their behaviour when they are with you. Healthy food, plenty of water, screen time limits, solid bedtime routine. As much time with just them as he can manage.

It sounds like your own children are old enough to understand that no good will come of copying the boys. So keep parenting your way, with your consequences.

Reugny · 11/12/2022 18:09

I agree with the PP but you still need to start working out how you can afford to live without your DH if he continues to refuse to step up.

If his kids are a nightmare now when they hit puberty, so are bigger and stronger than you, their behaviour will be a risk to your children's well-being. If your older 2 kids father is in the picture don't be surprised if they want to be with him more to avoid these boys.

Oh and the courts don't favour the mother. What happens is the parent they spend most overnights with gets to have them more until the kids are considered mature enough to make their own decision. That is only if that decision doesn't put their well-being at proven risk. The Court's aim is to get the children to follow a regular contact pattern to help stop mental health and relationship difficulties with their parents when the kids are older.

booklovingmum · 22/12/2022 07:28

did you ever talk to your husband OP?