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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner’s ex refuses to meet me

85 replies

Purplewelliesbluecoat · 28/11/2022 14:09

My partner is 2.5 years out of a high conflict divorce. Whatever happened in the marriage has been forgiven and resolved and both parties are co-parenting happily. I spend quite a bit of time with my partner’s kids. They like me. The 6 year old cuddles me all the time and the 10 year old bakes me cakes when I’m not there. But their mum absolutely refuses to acknowledge I exist.

When we have picked up the kids together my partner goes into her flat but she has twice said I can’t come in. So now I refuse to go. I had to call her once about a medical issue for one of the kids as my partner was at work and I was babysitting. She claimed to have ‘no signal’ (not usually a prob in London).

Have bent over backwards to be considerate. If I am ever to babysit the kids I get my partner to check with the ex it’s ok. When the little one calls me mama I say that’s so sweet but you have one wonderful mama and I’m your really good friend.

its not a money issue. I have my own house and job. My partner is a high earner but he pays ex £2000 pcm and with her benefits (she’s disabled) and part time job and 100pc home equity I think she’s wealthier than me (I don’t mind. My life is my life.)

I don’t worry emotionally if some woman I’ve never met doesn’t want to meet me. However I find it very weird not being acknowledged at all. If another adult was with my kids as much as I am with these kids (several days a week and half of school hols) I’d like to meet them and offer a few tips on how best to look after/treat my child. I’d also want to check they seemed sane and organized and responsible. For myself I would like to open a dialogue about the kids and how best to care for them when they are in my care. Possibly ex wife thinks my partner and me are so great that she doesn’t need to have any input. It’s not jealousy as she has her own partner after deciding to become a lesbian. Anyone else been there? What’s it all about?

OP posts:
Teddybear00 · 28/11/2022 16:17

HandbagsnGladrags · 28/11/2022 16:16

@Teddybear00 I think the key sentence in your post is 'I'm not in this situation'....

Fair enough which is why I put it there in the first place. That doesn't stop me from still giving my opinion as an outsider.

MeJane · 28/11/2022 16:18

But they are his kids too @Teddybear00. The OP can get the information she requires from their father and the ex can get any information she may want from the father too.

HandbagsnGladrags · 28/11/2022 16:20

Also it's not about 'not giving a shit' or however you put it, when you've been through a painful divorce and relations are strained, you want to keep your interactions with ex to the bare minimum. And that doesn't include meeting a string of girlfriends. That was the way I looked at it anyway.

excelledyourself · 28/11/2022 16:21

but there does need to be a level of communication, ITS YOUR KIDS!

The mum and dad are communicating, and OP and her partner are communicating.

A few people now have stated they don't communicate with the mum/SM, and that it's working for them.

Where's the 'need'?

And the mum said she had no signal. OP hasn't said she can prove the mum lied.

FlowerArranger · 28/11/2022 16:26

Am I the only one wondering why the OP spends so much time 'baby-sitting' her boyfriend's kids?

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 28/11/2022 16:26

I’ve never met my ex’s partner and don’t see any need to. Presumably my ex feels the kids are safe with her and from what they say they like her. I’m not sure why I would want to meet her? I have a good coparenting relationship with my ex and he comes in the house sometimes at pick up or drop off when we have something to discuss relating to the kids - I’m not sure why his girlfriend would need to be part of those conversations?

TellMeWhere · 28/11/2022 16:36

Why would you need to discuss how to look after the children with her? Surely you discuss this stuff with your DP. She shouldn't need to be involved when they aren't in her care.

If you're left "babysitting" for whatever reason then he needs to be contactable unless it's a dire emergency.

NalaNana · 28/11/2022 16:38

I find it strange that you would have no contact with her at all when it sounds like you have an awful lot of contact with her children and pretty much fulfil the role of step mum.

You sound like you are caring for the children frequently on your own, what if a child has an injury or is suddenly unwell and you can't reach your partner? Seems weird not to have lines of communication open. At some time it might be more convenient for you to do pick ups/drop offs (if you're happy to!) so it's awkward if she keeps up the attitude of pretending you don't exist.

If this is a serious relationship there'll be school leavers assemblies, plays, sports days etc that the kids will want you to attend, will you be expected to sit out of those?

annonymousse · 28/11/2022 16:42

I know my ex's partner as she used to be my friend. I have also met dh's ex but have no desire for any ongoing contact with either of them. I'm polite on the rare occasion I see dh's ex but actively avoid contact with her when I can. His children were very young when we first met but they were dh's responsibility not mine so communicating was up to him and her. I kept well out of it!

Hobbi · 28/11/2022 16:47

lunar1 · 28/11/2022 14:34

Don't look for problems where none exist.

The main problem I'd have is that their dad doesn't know how to care for them or what their needed are, I couldn't find that attractive in a partner.

If you use phrases like 'decided to become a lesbian' in real life it's probably best you don't meet!

Where does it say anything about their dad not being able to look after them?

Justtobeclear · 28/11/2022 16:48

I have no contact with my exh wife. We have had a fairly high conflict divorce (they had an affair) and we are now at the point of being able to be civil. I have no reason to speak to her just as he has no reason to speak to my DH. The way I see it, I have no say on what she does/her involvement and I would not appreciate my exh commenting on my DHs involvement unless there was a risk to the dc. Therefore, it keeps it low conflict by keeping the conversations between us. I do wonder why so many step parents feel the need to be present at handovers and definitely don’t see why you would want to go into her home!

For those who aren’t in this situation - you may have that agreement that you’ll be amicable etc but you only have to look on here to see that divorce/separation makes people become unrecognisable so their behaviour in this situation is absolutely not guaranteed.

MajorCarolDanvers · 28/11/2022 16:55

She's been clear about her boundaries. You need to back off and respect them.

QuillBill · 28/11/2022 16:57

Where does it say anything about their dad not being able to look after them?
He mustn't be able to if the OP feels she has to ask his ex about how to look after them and he isn't contactable when it's his time with the children.

lunar1 · 28/11/2022 17:03

@Hobbi, because the op is unable to get information about the children's needs from their dad, she needs to force a relationship with the mum to discover how to look after them!

Hobbi · 28/11/2022 17:05

lunar1 · 28/11/2022 17:03

@Hobbi, because the op is unable to get information about the children's needs from their dad, she needs to force a relationship with the mum to discover how to look after them!

I have absolutely no idea how you've read that into the OP. Where on earth does it even hint at this. Can't let an opportunity to blame the man go begging though, can we?

lunar1 · 28/11/2022 17:07

You must have read the op differently to me. If the dad was an active parent he would be able to tell a step mum everything she needed to know about his own children. Do we really have such low standards for men that it's ok for them not to have this information!

Beamur · 28/11/2022 17:08

Your DH co parents with his ex.
You step parent with your DH.
There's really no need for you to be in contact with the children's Mum most of the time.
My DH had 50:50 residency and I have never had the phone number for his ex. We get on fine, there's no animosity but neither of us have seen any need for direct contact about their children.
I didn't find it strange and tbh I don't think I would have welcomed the contact.

Hobbi · 28/11/2022 17:11

lunar1 · 28/11/2022 17:07

You must have read the op differently to me. If the dad was an active parent he would be able to tell a step mum everything she needed to know about his own children. Do we really have such low standards for men that it's ok for them not to have this information!

No, I just didn't read anything that wasn't there. The post is about the OP wanting some fictionalised 'Modern Family' scenario wherein everyone is friendly. There's nothing suggesting he's a poor parent at all.

PinkSyCo · 28/11/2022 17:18

It’s not jealousy as she has her own partner after deciding to become a lesbian.

This attitude might have something to do with her reluctance to meet you.
She may also be pissed off that you are taking over the parenting of her kids (how do you fit a job in?) when their dad should be doing it.

Simonjt · 28/11/2022 17:22

If another adult was with my kids as much as I am with these kids (several days a week and half of school hols) I’d like to meet them and offer a few tips on how best to look after/treat my child. I’d also want to check they seemed sane and organized and responsible. For myself I would like to open a dialogue about the kids and how best to care for them when they are in my care.

So their Dad, your boyfriend, is unable to give you tips on how to look after his children, and he also can’t tell if you’re sane, organised or responsible?

BabyFour2023 · 28/11/2022 17:25

Why does she need to meet you? I’m sure there are many adults in her childrens lives that they like, it’s not a huge deal.
BTW, you are right to stop them calling you mama. I wonder where the hell thats come from?

HamIsMyCake · 28/11/2022 17:30

Anyone who thought that a person “decides to become a lesbian “ would not be welcome in my house either.

ThatEdgyFeeling · 28/11/2022 17:31

OP, I understand you. I am the ex wife and socialise a lot with them and the kids, usually onve a month. We spend Xmas together ( obv for the kids) as well as birthdays. My mindset is I wanted the kids to feel comfortable with both houses and not have secrets etc. It was abit tough to begin with but we made an effort and it worked.

chikp · 28/11/2022 17:52

The only reason you should ever need to contact her is if their dad can't as he is in hospital or dead or something like that.

Januarcelebration · 28/11/2022 18:30

ThatEdgyFeeling · 28/11/2022 17:31

OP, I understand you. I am the ex wife and socialise a lot with them and the kids, usually onve a month. We spend Xmas together ( obv for the kids) as well as birthdays. My mindset is I wanted the kids to feel comfortable with both houses and not have secrets etc. It was abit tough to begin with but we made an effort and it worked.

But that was a joint decision between you all.

The ex doesn’t want that. Which is a perfectly valid choice.

Op may wish it was like that. But it’s not her decision. Nor is it strange for the ex not to do it just because Op wants it that way. Your set up works for some, not for others.