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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner’s ex refuses to meet me

85 replies

Purplewelliesbluecoat · 28/11/2022 14:09

My partner is 2.5 years out of a high conflict divorce. Whatever happened in the marriage has been forgiven and resolved and both parties are co-parenting happily. I spend quite a bit of time with my partner’s kids. They like me. The 6 year old cuddles me all the time and the 10 year old bakes me cakes when I’m not there. But their mum absolutely refuses to acknowledge I exist.

When we have picked up the kids together my partner goes into her flat but she has twice said I can’t come in. So now I refuse to go. I had to call her once about a medical issue for one of the kids as my partner was at work and I was babysitting. She claimed to have ‘no signal’ (not usually a prob in London).

Have bent over backwards to be considerate. If I am ever to babysit the kids I get my partner to check with the ex it’s ok. When the little one calls me mama I say that’s so sweet but you have one wonderful mama and I’m your really good friend.

its not a money issue. I have my own house and job. My partner is a high earner but he pays ex £2000 pcm and with her benefits (she’s disabled) and part time job and 100pc home equity I think she’s wealthier than me (I don’t mind. My life is my life.)

I don’t worry emotionally if some woman I’ve never met doesn’t want to meet me. However I find it very weird not being acknowledged at all. If another adult was with my kids as much as I am with these kids (several days a week and half of school hols) I’d like to meet them and offer a few tips on how best to look after/treat my child. I’d also want to check they seemed sane and organized and responsible. For myself I would like to open a dialogue about the kids and how best to care for them when they are in my care. Possibly ex wife thinks my partner and me are so great that she doesn’t need to have any input. It’s not jealousy as she has her own partner after deciding to become a lesbian. Anyone else been there? What’s it all about?

OP posts:
Theskyisfallingdown · 28/11/2022 15:01

TiddleyWink · 28/11/2022 14:48

If he’s only been separated for 2.5 years and had a high conflict divorce (which I assume took a chunk of that time) I’m wondering how long you’ve been together? Long enough for you to spend lots of time with his kids which in my book would be around two years. So either you got involved when he was in the midst of a messy divorce or have got far too involved with his kids far too quickly. I’m thinking neither of those things will have endeared you to his ex.

And agree with PP, if you say things in real life like she ‘decided to become a lesbian’ I can’t help wondering if she might have her own reasons for steering clear!!

Back off and leave your boyfriend to co parent with his ex. It’s nothing to do with you at all. And the fact that his child is accidentally calling you mum is deeply concerning. Whatever your set up is, it sounds unhealthy if that’s happening. At their ages that’s a very odd thing for them to be doing indeed!

Also ask yourself why you’re babysitting alone for your bloke’s children so much. His contact time is for him to spend with them - hope he’s not yet another of these dads who quickly locates a new woman to take on the parenting grunt when his marriage ends, and convinces her she’s lucky to have that set up….

Exactly this.

Teddybear00 · 28/11/2022 15:03

@TeaAndJaffacakes

If me and my DH broke up and we moved on with other people, and there was a woman spending a lot of time with my kids, I would not behave the way the mother is. Even if she doesn't like OP for whatever reason, she needs to get over herself and make an effort for the kids at least. I can't see why asking why she doesn't acknowledge OP is a bad thing tbh. What if OP is doing something that OP may not be aware of that has this woman all bitter towards OP. If I wanted to be bitter, I just wouldn't let her stay with my kids at all.

Januarcelebration · 28/11/2022 15:04

I am genuinely confused, why this is a problem.

Your Partner is the children’s father. If he thinks you are ok to be around the kids, why do you think she should feel that she needs to approve of you too?

It’s great you get on with the kids, but all the effort you put in is for your, your dp and the kids. You aren’t doing her any favours. She doesn’t need to be involved with you at all and I find it strange you are so bothered by this.

IneedanewTV · 28/11/2022 15:06

I’ve never met my ex’s new partner and have absolutely no desire too either. My ex is in charge of our kids when they are at his and that’s all I care about. He is their father.

Theskyisfallingdown · 28/11/2022 15:08

Why would the mother want her ex husbands new girlfriend in her flat, exactly?

Glumbums · 28/11/2022 15:09

She probably doesn't want to play happy families and just wants to emotionally disconnect. I can understand that, especially if it was a high conflict divorce.

excelledyourself · 28/11/2022 15:10

Teddybear00 · 28/11/2022 14:39

You sound really lovely OP & the respect and love you clearly show her kids, she should acknowledge you and have some respect for you since she has her own partner. I wonder if you could reach out to her to find out why she can't aq knowledge you ? You made a true point, your with her kids a lot, I would want to know who's spending time with my kids. More effort from her side.

Bizarre logic, all of it.

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 28/11/2022 15:13

I agree with you OP. If someone was caring for my children then I’d like to meet them and have a friendly relationship. And I’d honestly be delighted if you were looking after my kids….you sound very caring. (Not that they’re kids anymore!) My ex H is similar in that he doesn’t want to discuss our children, especially now they’re older. It’s frustrating because they’re ND and need extra support but he won’t co-operate.

I did in fact meet my exH’s GF last week and thought she was lovely and was pleased about that. Although I felt a bit sorry for her😆.

And why does no one think it’s weird that you were trying to contact her about a medical issue and she ignored you? How very strange!

HappyHamsters · 28/11/2022 15:13

They are not your kids, she doesn't need to be friends with you or meet you, they have a dad. I don't understand why you are babysitting them, where does dad go, do you live together. Her finances and sexuality are none if your business.

TeaAndJaffacakes · 28/11/2022 15:14

I’m not saying the ex is particularly reasonable or justified in wanting to ignore the OP. I’m saying it’s a bad idea to push someone who’s clearly uncomfortable with you into giving an explanation for their behavior. It’s just not going to work. Forcing people to confront ugly feelings about you is a stupid stupid idea. They either explode in anger or withdraw more. Someone else can ask the question, sure, when OP is not around (not OP’s partner - more like the ex’s sister or something).

ExtraJalapenos · 28/11/2022 15:15

Teddybear00 · 28/11/2022 15:03

@TeaAndJaffacakes

If me and my DH broke up and we moved on with other people, and there was a woman spending a lot of time with my kids, I would not behave the way the mother is. Even if she doesn't like OP for whatever reason, she needs to get over herself and make an effort for the kids at least. I can't see why asking why she doesn't acknowledge OP is a bad thing tbh. What if OP is doing something that OP may not be aware of that has this woman all bitter towards OP. If I wanted to be bitter, I just wouldn't let her stay with my kids at all.

With all due respect your saying IF you and your husband were broken up. You're not. You haven't a clue how this actually would pan out for you.

OP, please take advice from all the people who have kids with people they are no longer with. Not hypotheticals.

I'd never in a million years want my now DP to 'meet and be able to discuss' stuff about my DD with her dad/exh.

I would feel SEVERELY undermined. Why would my partner need to speak to my ex about things to do/not do around my child? I'm also the parent here!

You sound heavily invested and although it's sweet it's actually quite odd that a child whom you've only known a short amount of time is referring to you as mama (my DD is 4 and wouldn't even think of referring to people outside of me and my exh as mum/dad).

Respect your DP, you don't need any contact with his ex unless there's emergencies.

Pootles34 · 28/11/2022 15:16

'Deciding to become a lesbian' 😆you sound like my 94 year old grandma. Have a word with yourself.

whattodo1975 · 28/11/2022 15:18

2 pages in and no one has suggest the fella and ex are still shagging and that's why she doesn't want to talk to you. This place isnt what it used to be.

MeJane · 28/11/2022 15:23

Deciding to become a lesbian! But can she have wafer thin ham?

She doesn't want to meet you or tell you how to care for her children. Why don't you ask your boyfriend how to care for his children?

Perhaps she doesn't deem it necessary to see if you are sane and responsible. Probably her ex husband has done that already.

Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 28/11/2022 15:27

f another adult was with my kids as much as I am with these kids (several days a week and half of school hols) I’d like to meet them and offer a few tips on how best to look after/treat my child. I’d also want to check they seemed sane and organized and responsible. For myself I would like to open a dialogue about the kids and how best to care for them when they are in my care

she doesn't feel the need? what has it got to do with you how she manages her life and that of her children? Why can't your partner 'offer a few tips on how best to look after' his child?

What if to her, you don't seem particularly sane, organised and responsible? what then?

The children are not in your care. They are in their father's care. If he chooses to delegate to you, that's his issue, not their mothers.

You need to have a look at your boundaries. They are way off.

Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 28/11/2022 15:32

the respect and love you clearly show her kids, she should acknowledge you and have some respect for you since she has her own partner

PMSL. Serious. What a crock. She doesn't have to respect anyone. She probably thinks the OP is bonkers putting up with a man she no longer cares for.

I keep well away from my ex's girlfriends. I don't have an ounce of respect for them. They are women happy to be with a man who doesn't pay maintenance to support his children and who thought abandonning them for 14 months was an acceptable way to go. They may well be pleasant towards my children (invariably, sadly, this never seems to last) but that doesn't mean I have to like them, talk to them, be their friend, give them tips, or anything else.

SeasonFinale · 28/11/2022 15:44

whattodo1975 · 28/11/2022 15:18

2 pages in and no one has suggest the fella and ex are still shagging and that's why she doesn't want to talk to you. This place isnt what it used to be.

Maybe because "she decided to become a lesbian"

😉

Kat22xx · 28/11/2022 15:44

Why would your partner go into his ex's flat let alone you...

excelledyourself · 28/11/2022 15:46

Kat22xx · 28/11/2022 15:44

Why would your partner go into his ex's flat let alone you...

Why wouldn't he?

aSofaNearYou · 28/11/2022 15:52

You sound like a nice person but it really reads like you think of her as the kids "real" parent - you can have all of those conversations with their dad and you Somme need to also discuss it with her. I wouldn't worry about this, and I would respect her boundaries.

aSofaNearYou · 28/11/2022 15:57

*don't need

HandbagsnGladrags · 28/11/2022 16:00

My ex husband had several girlfriends all of whom met my daughter when she was quite young. I never met any of them. And if I had, I certainly wouldn't have been inviting them into my home. Everything about your post is a bit odd, including the 'deciding to become a lesbian' comment. I'm pretty sure that's not how it works... Back off and leave the poor woman alone, and leave your partner to parent his own kids.

clutterbugger · 28/11/2022 16:02

I think you're reading too much into it. If they have a good co-parenting relationship and she's trusting his judgement on you, I think that's a good thing. If she were wanting to communicate and giving you tips etc she'd be accused of being controlling, poor woman can't win in this situation.

If there's an emergency it's really the dad's place to get in touch with her, I'm sure he could give you a few tips too if that's what you're needing.

The kids sound lovely, the mum sounds reasonable and balanced, the dad's being a dad. None of what you've said sounds anything other than pleasant. Be happy at the situation. She doesn't need to be your friend.

Teddybear00 · 28/11/2022 16:11

I'm genuinely shocked by the comments on here. I am not in this position but I just always assumed if someone was spending too much time with your kids, you would be a little arsed who they are with surely ?! Fair enough they don't need to have a relationship but if OP is there to stay then, I think the mum should know who her kids are spending half their time with considering her DP leaves her to babysit.

Kudos to you all honestly, but I do think it's strange as a mother your not asking questions about who your children are with & especially a girlfriend. It's also very weird the mother still chose to ignore OPs call when OP was trying to contact her for a medical emergency especially if the dad was not available at the time.

We have had these talks before with DH (you never know what happens in life) and we both agree that kids would only ever be introduced to significant others, if the relationship was VERY serious and they were there to stay. That doesn't mean we would all be having dinner together but there does need to be a level of communication, ITS YOUR KIDS!

HandbagsnGladrags · 28/11/2022 16:16

@Teddybear00 I think the key sentence in your post is 'I'm not in this situation'....