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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Partner’s ex refuses to meet me

85 replies

Purplewelliesbluecoat · 28/11/2022 14:09

My partner is 2.5 years out of a high conflict divorce. Whatever happened in the marriage has been forgiven and resolved and both parties are co-parenting happily. I spend quite a bit of time with my partner’s kids. They like me. The 6 year old cuddles me all the time and the 10 year old bakes me cakes when I’m not there. But their mum absolutely refuses to acknowledge I exist.

When we have picked up the kids together my partner goes into her flat but she has twice said I can’t come in. So now I refuse to go. I had to call her once about a medical issue for one of the kids as my partner was at work and I was babysitting. She claimed to have ‘no signal’ (not usually a prob in London).

Have bent over backwards to be considerate. If I am ever to babysit the kids I get my partner to check with the ex it’s ok. When the little one calls me mama I say that’s so sweet but you have one wonderful mama and I’m your really good friend.

its not a money issue. I have my own house and job. My partner is a high earner but he pays ex £2000 pcm and with her benefits (she’s disabled) and part time job and 100pc home equity I think she’s wealthier than me (I don’t mind. My life is my life.)

I don’t worry emotionally if some woman I’ve never met doesn’t want to meet me. However I find it very weird not being acknowledged at all. If another adult was with my kids as much as I am with these kids (several days a week and half of school hols) I’d like to meet them and offer a few tips on how best to look after/treat my child. I’d also want to check they seemed sane and organized and responsible. For myself I would like to open a dialogue about the kids and how best to care for them when they are in my care. Possibly ex wife thinks my partner and me are so great that she doesn’t need to have any input. It’s not jealousy as she has her own partner after deciding to become a lesbian. Anyone else been there? What’s it all about?

OP posts:

packedlunchlife · 28/11/2022 14:19

I've never 'met' my husbands ex. I don't want to and I'm sure she isn't interested in meeting me ! We've seen each other and spoke briefly at drop and communicated numerous times over text, but that's as far as it goes, we don't need to share parenting tips ! Aslong as she isn't slagging you off to the children then I don't see the issue myself

SavingKitten · 28/11/2022 14:20

It doesn’t really sound like she needs to acknowledge you to be honest, it sounds like her DD is happy and she can communicate well with her ex, so I can’t see why she needs to acknowledge you really.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2022 14:22

When we have picked up the kids together my partner goes into her flat but she has twice said I can’t come in. So now I refuse to go.

Why would you think she'd want you in her flat, and why would you think this is in anyway necessary? Be happy she isn't in your life making you miserable. Let it go and respect her boundaries.

Panpastels · 28/11/2022 14:23

Don't worry about it. Does it matter?
But 'deciding to become a lesbian' is an odd choice of words.

StreamingCervix · 28/11/2022 14:23

I get where she’s coming from. Ultimately, she has no control over her ex husbands time with the kids, and who they are around. so maybe she’d rather not know, because why aggravate something and cause an issue when she knows she won’t be able to change anything? Out of sight, out of mind.

CornishGem1975 · 28/11/2022 14:26

I've never met my husbands ex. I have no desire to either.

Needaholidaypronto · 28/11/2022 14:27

Why would she want to have anything to do with her ex partners new partner? The children are her and her ex’s, those are the only 2 people who need to be communicating about them. She doesn’t have to want you in her flat either. What. A weird post.

Pebbledashery · 28/11/2022 14:27

She doesn't have to acknowledge you. I wouldn't waste any time thinking about it. As long as she's civil with your partner and they coparent effectively, then it's really nothing you should worry about. You can't force her to acknowledge you.

Doidontimmm · 28/11/2022 14:28

I’ve never met my ex’s girlfriend and don’t wish to. Any questions re parenting she can ask her partner, you know, their dad & equal parent! I’d certainly not want her in my home.

excelledyourself · 28/11/2022 14:29

both parties are co-parenting happily.

This is all that matters.

I’d like to meet them and offer a few tips on how best to look after/treat my child. I’d also want to check they seemed sane and organized and responsible. For myself I would like to open a dialogue about the kids and how best to care for them when they are in my care.

Perhaps she thinks the kids dad is capable of having these conversations with you.

PeekAtYou · 28/11/2022 14:29

If another adult was with my kids as much as I am with these kids (several days a week and half of school hols) I’d like to meet them and offer a few tips on how best to look after/treat my child. I’d also want to check they seemed sane and organized and responsible. For myself I would like to open a dialogue about the kids and how best to care for them when they are in my care.

This conversation wouldn't go down well in most cases. It would be easy for stepmum to interpret it as mum telling her what to do rather than respecting that there's more than one way to look after kids.
It doesn't matter if stepmum was sane, organized and responsible. Mum can't withhold contact on that basis and mentioning it to dad is going to end up with a "fuck off" response.

Can't your partner tell you how to best care for them ? He would know their likes and dislikes and the tricks to a happy relationship with them.

TooBigForMyBoots · 28/11/2022 14:29

They have not long been in a place of not high conflict maybe she's relieved to be there and doesn't want any complications.

TeaAndJaffacakes · 28/11/2022 14:32

I think you only need to talk to her in an emergency or to communicate essential medical information if your Partner can’t do it. Do it by text so she’s got it even if she won’t answer the phone to you. Follow up with a call (ideally from hour DH) if it’s a seriously important issue. Make sure the important info comes up first.
So don’t write, Hey, sorry to bother you, I know you don’t like texts from me but X woke up with a fever during the night. We gave Calpol at 4am. Just wanted you to know.
Write : X had a fever in the night. She’s fine. We gave calpol at 4am.
Or, Y is at A&E (name of hospital) with me. She came off her bike at the park and hurt her ankle. We’re worried it might be broken. DH is still with X at swimming. Call me if you’re coming down/you want an update.

Whatever her reasons, it’s not personal because she doesn’t know you and you had nothing to do with the marriage breakup. It might just be that she has trouble imagining another women doing mum stuff with her kids. Whatever it is, it’s not your problem and her not talking to you or letting you in her house is pretty minor on the scale of possible step family issues so I wouldn’t push it, it won’t help anything.

PeekAtYou · 28/11/2022 14:33

I've never met my ex's wife and have no desire to. Part of being divorced is detaching myself from
what happens at the other house unless it makes my kids unhappy or it's dangerous.

lunar1 · 28/11/2022 14:34

Don't look for problems where none exist.

The main problem I'd have is that their dad doesn't know how to care for them or what their needed are, I couldn't find that attractive in a partner.

If you use phrases like 'decided to become a lesbian' in real life it's probably best you don't meet!

Sellorkeep · 28/11/2022 14:37

Apart from calling me a slut or suchlike occasionally, my partner’s ex doesn’t t acknowledge me. That’s fine by me frankly. Boundaries are a good thing.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/11/2022 14:37

I’m going to echo what everyone else is saying.

sounds like your set up is fine. It’s ok for her to want boundaries and to not want you in her home. I’d there is good do parenting and no conflict then that sounds amazing. Don’t expect too much though. Maybe the co parenting is working so well BECAUSE of the boundaries!?

Teddybear00 · 28/11/2022 14:39

You sound really lovely OP & the respect and love you clearly show her kids, she should acknowledge you and have some respect for you since she has her own partner. I wonder if you could reach out to her to find out why she can't aq knowledge you ? You made a true point, your with her kids a lot, I would want to know who's spending time with my kids. More effort from her side.

Everydaywheniwakeup · 28/11/2022 14:41

I have zero interest in having anything to do with my xh's partner and I certainly would not want her in my home.

CharlotteWayland · 28/11/2022 14:42

I wonder if you could reach out to her to find out why she can't aq knowledge you

Really, really don't do this.

The only thing that actually matters is that the child is happy and is being well cared for. By all means take your lead from her father, but there's no reason at all for you to have any contact with her mother (unless absolutely vital). In some ways, it's better that way, especially if there has previously been conflict.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/11/2022 14:42

Be grateful. Far too women think they can vet their ex’s new partner. She doesn’t owe you anything, all kid stuff can and should be sorted between the two capable parents. They were doing fine before you came along.

It’s his business if do him a favour and babysit, nothing to do with her. You don’t live together, you’re her ex’s girlfriend of a couple of years. If you stay together ages, cohabit, marry etc she may feel differently but she may not and that’s fine too. It doesn’t sound like she’s hostile, just disinterested. Count your blessings!

I say all that as a step mum of many years now with a child who’s my DSC half sibling. I’ve never officially met their mum. It’s fine.

Her finances are none of your business either if your partner is happy with the set up, neither is her orientation or relationship status.

Focus on your own relationship and the kids and remember they only need two parents and you’re a bonus who hasn’t been around that long. Your relationship with the kids is for your DP to facilitate and manage and entirely dependent on the two of you staying together. It’s risky to jump in too much and give too much of yourself.

TeaAndJaffacakes · 28/11/2022 14:44

Teddybear00 · 28/11/2022 14:39

You’re joking right? Trying to force someone who can’t quite bring themselves to acknowledge your existence into giving you a rational explanation for WHY is doomed to fucking failure. It won’t give OP the relationship she’d like with her stepkid’s mum and it might fuck up the current calm coparenting set up.

TiddleyWink · 28/11/2022 14:48

If he’s only been separated for 2.5 years and had a high conflict divorce (which I assume took a chunk of that time) I’m wondering how long you’ve been together? Long enough for you to spend lots of time with his kids which in my book would be around two years. So either you got involved when he was in the midst of a messy divorce or have got far too involved with his kids far too quickly. I’m thinking neither of those things will have endeared you to his ex.

And agree with PP, if you say things in real life like she ‘decided to become a lesbian’ I can’t help wondering if she might have her own reasons for steering clear!!

Back off and leave your boyfriend to co parent with his ex. It’s nothing to do with you at all. And the fact that his child is accidentally calling you mum is deeply concerning. Whatever your set up is, it sounds unhealthy if that’s happening. At their ages that’s a very odd thing for them to be doing indeed!

Also ask yourself why you’re babysitting alone for your bloke’s children so much. His contact time is for him to spend with them - hope he’s not yet another of these dads who quickly locates a new woman to take on the parenting grunt when his marriage ends, and convinces her she’s lucky to have that set up….

BobLemon · 28/11/2022 14:50

I’m a stepmum of 8 years.

Leave the woman alone. Why are you undermining your DPs ability to making parenting decisions by wanting to run everything past her?

RoyKeanesBeard · 28/11/2022 14:56

Why on earth would you think she should invite you into her flat?

I think it's weird that you think she should.

There's absolutely no need for you to meet.

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