Do things ever improve with the ex wife?

[driftinginthewind]

Hi all,

Been with DP over a year now, he has 2 DC (primary school age) with ex wife. They had a pretty acrimonious divorce a few years ago, long before I came into the picture. We were respectful and waited some months before me meeting the kids and DP let EW know before hand that this would be happening.

She has constantly seemed hostile towards me and has displayed some very odd, jealous and controlling behaviours, despite me doing everything I can not to provoke this (always being pleasant & polite when I see her, not being there all the time when the kids are with their dad, never badmouthing her to the kids, etc). We have no direct communication with each other as I haven't seen the point in this and haven't wanted to encourage any hostile/intrusive communication.

Looking for advice from others who have been through this.. does the hostility from EW ever improve? It's a real shame as I was/am willing to stay amicable for the kids' sake.. wasn't expecting her to invite me out for a coffee or anything but would expect a little bit of effort to reduce the awkwardness all round. AIBU here?

Has got worse over time here. She started off very over enthusiastic that we were going to be friends, and even seemed to think we were going to be conspiring pals versus DH.

Over time as we’ve got married, had two DC (SDC heavily involved and happy with both of these) and almost been married for as long as they were; the realisation that it’s not a flash in the pan, and actually might work out long term, seems to have driven her crazy. She’s obsessed with DH ‘honouring their memories’ which is insane as she left him for another
man (who she is still with). She’s rewritten their split in her head to be that he moved on too fast (her living with the other man is conveniently forgotten).

We’ve gone NC. Wish I had better advice but NC has been a sad outcome but a late blessing.

You can't generalise can you, it's all so individual and you only know half the story on the circumstances of their divorce.

It could be that your partner has introduced one or more others to their children and she's a bit sick of it all. It could be that she's just a difficult person and won't ever change.

It's probably somewhere in the middle, I hope things get better.

It is a shame that some adults can't behave like adults but there's not much you can do about it. Yiu can't control how someone else chooses to behave. You're doing everything right. If she's being hostile towards you for no reason it's best just to keep your distance. Let you DP deal with her and any childcare arrangements.

I'm 2 years into my relationship with my fiancé, we bought a house together over a year ago and are getting married in 7 weeks. I'm still referred to as "the help" and the "babysitter". She's badmouthed us both to the kids. I don't have any contact with her except on the very odd occasion. We've tried to be amicable for the kids but it resulted in me getting abusive calls and texts so she's now blocked.

I do watch the trending social media videos of mums and stepmums getting along and being best friends with admiration. It would be great if everyone was like that but unfortunately some people just can't get over their ex moving on or put their kids needs before their own emotions.

Maybe it'll get better for you, maybe it won't. But don't dwell on it too much. Co-parenting and blended families can still work even if all the adults don't get along. As long as you and DP are happy and the kids are happy, let the ex stew in her own bitterness.

Forgive me here but why would you be seeing her at all? Been with my DP for 4 years and never met his ex wife nor do I see the need...if you are only a year in I personally find that rather odd?

I think it just depends on the people involved. You can't control her behaviour but you can minimise it's impact on you. Never give her your number and don't engage with her toxic behaviour. It is a shame that she is unable to let go of her bitterness for the same of her children but that's ultimately up her.

You only know one side of the story, and you don't know her at all, only what your DP tells you about her.

If she's not that friendly towards you, just accept it. Maybe she doesn't want to be bff's.

I've been with my DH for 20 years. He has an ex partner and they have a child together. Things were frosty at first, but I just kept out of it, I didn't expect her to speak to me or be that friendly.

Don't see her or have any dealing with her now, as their child is nearly 30.

This.

Thanks for the responses so far, I'm not sure what I'm expecting really, as there are so many factors at play and not wanting to be identifiable. Just wanted to have a little moan about the situation. The way I've dealt with it so far is by keeping my distance and maintaining boundaries, which I think is helping. I'm aware I only know his side of the situation but having met her and seen the sorts of things she posts publically on social media I'm able to make my own opinion of things.

In re other comments - I'm the first girlfriend he's introduced to the kids since the divorce. They have 50/50 custody so there are times when we see each other v occasionally either at pickups/dropoffs or the occasional event (I'll go if the kids ask me to, I don't invite myself to school events etc, but I was invited to the kids' birthday parties by them and she was obviously there. I feel as a 'step parent' figure you can't really do right for wrong sometimes. If I say no, I'd be risking upsetting/disappointing the kids and being accused of not caring about them, but by going I risk the wrath of judgement from people/her saying I'm too involved etc. Literally can't win.)

I just don't want the kids to constantly feel awkward about the situation, (and it would be nice for us too), which is why it would be nice if there was a less frosty attitude, but I'm perhaps expecting too much..

Honestly just want peace..!

No, it doesn’t get any better. You just learn strategies to cope with their batshit behaviour.

IMO many of these women are so emotionally damaged they are unable to act as adults or reasonable human beings.

My OH has been divorced for over 11 years. I’ve been with him for 8 years and known the DSC for 7 years.

The EW is as vitriolic now as she was 7 / 10 years ago.

I have never met the woman. I tell a lie…. I Saw her screening through our letterbox once when she turned up on our doorstep 2 years ago (uninvited) as she wasn’t happy about something and was so verbally abusive and banging on the door so aggressively (with her partner of 6 months who was also abusive) that the police had to be called and they had to be removed from our front door by the police (all in front of the children). I have never spoken to her or engaged with her in any way. I have no desire to as she’s so toxic and aggressive. It’s been 11 years, it’s never going to change.

I’m referred to as ‘her’ - the children aren’t ‘allowed’ to use my name around her and their dad is referred to ‘as that useless shit of a father’. The children have to call their dad ‘him’ around her. She has had warnings from judges and social service’s about her behaviour (there were concerns she was alienating the children) but she does what she wants, believes she is above the law and the behaviour never changes. The older daughter IMO has been really damaged by her behaviour.

What I would say is as the children get older they (the EW) have less reason to communicate with your OH (as the kids start making arrangements themselves). In our case the kids are 14 & 17 - so most arrangements are made directly with them. Although she does still try to control things, but at least the kids recognise her behaviour now.

Its really sad to watch. She could of done with some counselling / help years ago but she doesn’t think she has a problem and it’s probably too late now.

Good luck 🤞

That sounds awful, it's really worrying that ex partners can't rise above in these types of situations for sake of their children and their emotional development.

Sorry to hear your situation is that bad and that the kids have been so involved in it. Hoping to avoid such a turn of events for us as we're still relatively early days in the grand scheme of things.

I think a leopard doesn’t change its spots and they continue to be inconsiderate if they were unreasonably rude to start with.

What mostly changes is the dynamic of a DP and the ex. If the ex becomes less dominating to their ex partner, and perhaps their controlling behaviour slips out of workable reach, things get much easier!

My DHs ex has only got worse over the years. She's still as bitter, jealous and miserable 7 years down the line as she has always been and the people who have struggled the most as a result of her behaviour are the SDC who both have real issues of their own likely created by the poison their mother has fed them for all this time.
I have nothing to do with her. She's always refused to do pick up and drop offs so DH does them all which means I don't have to see her.

She's always refused to do pick up and drop offs so DH does them all which means I don't have to see her.

this is familiar! Ex has always refused to do any pick ups and drop offs, yet when I said I couldn’t do them any more when on mat leave with DC2, after years of no acknowledgement for doing them, I was told I was causing emotional trauma to SC and they’d need years of therapy due to having a selfish SM.

Her Friday nights out no longer start at 4pm

I would say it's been a rollercoaster with the ex - all on her terms.

So when she is happy and wants to be civil and friendly, it works great. As soon as something in her life isn't great, she takes it out on DH. Or she will get jealous about something in our life, then the world ends and it's horrible. We will have weeks of drama and horrible text messages. She will try to refuse contact and throw all the usual abuse until she feels she has control again.

Then reset and we go again on the rollercoaster.

"it's really worrying that ex partners can't rise above in these types of situations for sake of their children and their emotional development.** "

I would just like to say that some ex partners aren't like this! I have read some nice replies on here from the ex partners and they really appreciate the step-parent in their children life. They seem to want it to be the best outcome for the sake of the children. But I do agree it's such a shame that not all mothers can put their own children before bitter feelings.

At the end of the day, it has the biggest impact on the innocent children caught in the middle.

It’s best not to expect anything. It’s perfectly normal for many that all comms goes between parents and the step parent has no contact with the ex.
My partner’s ex is very hostile and I dont expect it to ever improve. And frankly if she did try to be more friendly, at this point she’s been so poisonous in my life that I don’t think I could be on small talk terms with her. I do say hello every time I see her just so she can ignore me 🙄 (or fake vomiting in my face 😑😑)
We grey rock to the max and just get on with things. It would be nice to be more relaxed but it’s like that.

Does she have a new partner? I found once she moves on things got much easier.

Oh yes I missed out the word some. I am pretty friendly with SCs mum when I see her and we've never had any issues with her.

My above post is in response to @overthehill7

In my case the ex could be ok a lot of the time, but all hell would unpredictably break out if things went wrong and she got angry.
Generally speaking she was better when in another relationship ( she had several), and worse when they ended.
She would shout and scream, accuse DH of all sorts of things, to his face and behind his back, and try to poison his kids against him - until she wanted them looked after so she could go out, etc.
Even when SDC became independent adults she still had her moments, and several times made quite unsubstantiated and untrue allegations to several authorities.
In answer to your question as to whether it ever gets better. In my case the answer is yes. It improved about a year after she died - but not before a couple of final pops at us.

It may calm down ….. in about 5 years

or

She will always be a Twat.

Il bet on the Twat.

But I do agree it's such a shame that not all mothers can put their own children before bitter feelings

Some fathers also struggle to put their own children before their bitter feelings. It is not a phenomenon limited solely to mothers.

Does she have a new partner? I found once she moves on things got much easier

Hmmm…what does ‘moving on’ consist of? I have never had a new partner in many years since divorcing. I am very much moved on. The assumption that moving on only happens when a new man/woman is on the scene is very misguided. Having a new partner may well make things worse - it gives someone determined to cause problems a sounding board that many times just reflects back whatever it is someone wants to hear.

People can be pissed off for a whole host of justified and unjustified reasons. The trick, I think, is the ability to read between the lines. Not all partners are honest - they may be lovely to you but people scared and cornered by a separation can behave in terrible ways, albeit temporarily. Be careful of people with no obvious friendships, no close family ties, who have moved a considerable distance post-separation, are in a different job or self employed. There’s absolutely no one around them to reflect with, to help them rationalise or to challenge them on their behaviour or past behaviour. Those people get a free reign in their new relationships to lay the blame squarely at someone else’s feet without ever considering the part they played. A pissed off, angry ex may well have a story to tell. Or not.

@Shiningsilverargent even if an ex is pissed off for good reason it shouldn't be the step mums problem. And there is no excuse for bad mouthing your ex to a child no matter what they have done. Children deserve better than that.

silver argent - get it completely
As to being emotionally damaged - yes I was for a long time and 10 yrs later still am in certain ways. I have happily moved on but the betrayal and emotions that are associated with certain actions still linger on. MY ability to trust anyone is extremely damaged.

However, at no point have I stopped access, spoke to the first SM/DP bad mouthed my Ex or her at the time - they managed to fuck it up thmselves. Have i had blatant lies told about me by the 1st SM, posted on social media told to anyone who would listen of events, phone calls etc I am alleged to have made. Don't get me started.
Provocation has been great but I have resisted whilst comforting my 2 DCs as he and SM1 and her DCS flew off on luxury holidays all round the world and 2 DCS got eft behind because they coud not afford it. Said nothing when he was out taking her and her DCS out for a mean on one of his own DCS birthdays, unable to watch matches because - name the excuse etc etc. you wonder why some EXW snap and let rip eventually.

When 1st SM and Ex split up, I was firmly of the opinion not to have anything to do with any of his DPs in the future. Roll on SM2 and an adult relationship which works for all concerned - would not have it any other way now

This 👆