Do things ever improve with the ex wife?

[driftinginthewind]

Hi all,

Been with DP over a year now, he has 2 DC (primary school age) with ex wife. They had a pretty acrimonious divorce a few years ago, long before I came into the picture. We were respectful and waited some months before me meeting the kids and DP let EW know before hand that this would be happening.

She has constantly seemed hostile towards me and has displayed some very odd, jealous and controlling behaviours, despite me doing everything I can not to provoke this (always being pleasant & polite when I see her, not being there all the time when the kids are with their dad, never badmouthing her to the kids, etc). We have no direct communication with each other as I haven't seen the point in this and haven't wanted to encourage any hostile/intrusive communication.

Looking for advice from others who have been through this.. does the hostility from EW ever improve? It's a real shame as I was/am willing to stay amicable for the kids' sake.. wasn't expecting her to invite me out for a coffee or anything but would expect a little bit of effort to reduce the awkwardness all round. AIBU here?

My DSS are all in their 20's now and she's still not much better. If she sees either myself or DP on our own we are sort of ok. However if she sees us together she goes absolutely batshit. I'm not the OW and she cheated on DP. However she's never wanted a proper relationship since and I think if she did it would help her to move forwards. Eight years really should be long enough to have gained some perspective.

There's plenty of examples on this thread of crazy ex behaviour.

Stom projecting your situation onto others

So you're allowed to be spiteful towards new partners and step mums because you've experienced it, but it's a disgrace that step mother's are discussing the behaviour of ex wives? Much of which they have experienced themselves? Talk about double standards

I’m not projecting anything. Funny how all the ex’s are always crazy 🙄

Who said all the ex’es are always crazy??
Here we are in step-parenting on a thread asking about experience of difficult exes. It’s hardly surprising some experiences are being shared.

I mean it would be a bit of unusual thread to come on and talk about how wonderful your husband's ex is (and I'm sure many are!)

The ex’s are often referred to as crazy, nuts, toxic etc etc etc, and yes there probably are a few that fit the bill.
But, I’d say that those who have GENUINELY had to deal with real abusive ex’s would (along with their partners) ensure that they do their upmost to protect the children from the toxicity and abuse.

By this I mean going to Court and/or doing what they can to have full custody of the children in order to keep them happy and safe.
What you often find is that SOME step parents will (again along with the child’s parent) be happy to settle for every other weekend visitation for example, or one day a week visitation maybe, and then send these kids back to their ‘crazy, toxic, abusive’ resident parents!

So this is why I take the ‘crazy ex’ label with a pinch of salt from those who have their dsc’s for short periods. And if the ex IS really as crazy as they’re often labelled as, then your partner and yourself are irresponsible for allowing children to live in such an environment with them.

What hostility is there if you have no direct contact? You mention social Media, is that where comments are being made about you?
id say it’s unusual for new partners to attend birthday parties hosted by both mum and dad, surely that’s awkward for all concerned? Unless it’s a family party with multiple adults there

I GENUINELY did. And we did. And dss lived with us for a period of time. But as a teeenager decided that a house with no ground rules where he could drink and have his under age girlfriend stay over seemed like a better option. What could we feasibly do about that?

His mother Is still an absuive and neglectful arsehole..

So maybe instead of being so dismissive and judgemental, maybe think to yourself that all circumstances are different. Stop assuming all ex wives are victims and all men and new partners are jealous and shit. It's infuriating. And to do it on a thread ABOUT issues with exs is fucking ignorant at best.

I'm sick of people with no experience coming to this board and talking down to people like they are some kind of messiah for blended families despite knowing fuck all about the realities of the situation.

I had it the other way. Exh and I split he quickly met someone new. I was polite and she was awful for no reason. Then they split and I tried with next one who became his wife (I'd also met dh by then) she was also horrid and would glare at me. Wouldn't let exh pick kids up without her in car .

In answer to your actual question OP, I think that yes there is a chance that things will get better. You’ve only been together around a year, are you married or living together? If you become more of a permanent fixture then you’ll be seen more as a member of the family. A year is really quite early days, it’s difficult as your partner has the kids 50% of the time but I wouldn’t jump straight into being a full on step
parent role. If you split up that will be really bad for the children

If you become more of a permanent fixture then you’ll be seen more as a member of the family

I wouldn't count on that.

If you actually read properly what I wrote, I said SOME not all. Wind your neck in.

Oh so you’re generalising it seems, but that’s ok? Yet you jumped down my throat when I wasn’t generalising … ok 🙄

I'm saying I wouldn't count on that based on the ops situation specifically. You know, because she asked.

Yes, I know you did. What you said was very clear, your judgemental attitude was very clear.

There’s really no need to try and keep looking to twist everything I wrote.

I'm not twisting anything, it's there in black and white what you think.

Yes it is there in black and white. Shame you can’t grasp what I meant. Anyway I won’t bother going back and forth replying to you again, it’s a waste of my time.

It depends on how pissed she is and if there is another man in her life. Generally it's got a bit better but I have never met her after 6 years. She still organises parents only things for events eg birthdays , graduations that i am not welcome at. TBH I don't want to go.

Yes, pretending you didn't mean what you clearly said is a waste of your time.