Do things ever improve with the ex wife?

[driftinginthewind]

Hi all,

Been with DP over a year now, he has 2 DC (primary school age) with ex wife. They had a pretty acrimonious divorce a few years ago, long before I came into the picture. We were respectful and waited some months before me meeting the kids and DP let EW know before hand that this would be happening.

She has constantly seemed hostile towards me and has displayed some very odd, jealous and controlling behaviours, despite me doing everything I can not to provoke this (always being pleasant & polite when I see her, not being there all the time when the kids are with their dad, never badmouthing her to the kids, etc). We have no direct communication with each other as I haven't seen the point in this and haven't wanted to encourage any hostile/intrusive communication.

Looking for advice from others who have been through this.. does the hostility from EW ever improve? It's a real shame as I was/am willing to stay amicable for the kids' sake.. wasn't expecting her to invite me out for a coffee or anything but would expect a little bit of effort to reduce the awkwardness all round. AIBU here?

I used to be friends with DH's exw, obviously this ended when she found out I was seeing him. I'd been friends with him before I knew her and it wasn't a shitting on a friend situation. We have never had contact other than maybe seeing each other across a car park for 22 years now, I'm not sure why you need to see her, even if it's just you picking up/dropping off the dc. I never speak badly of the ex, it's simply none of my business. I was instrumental in getting stepdd to speak to her mother again after a fall out of several years, where she came to live with us. I might not agree with everything about exw but I accept I'm not perfect either and I cut her some slack.

8 years down the line and ex wife is still all over the place... Last fri, chit chat on her doorstep when we collected the kids, then when she collected them Sunday, screaming at us and apparently we are never to go to her house again 🙄

Yes exactly!

This is my ex. Fine when it suits. But can go from 0 to bat shit mental in 10 seconds!

Some ex wives are amazing.

Not your partners. And not my partners.

She's completely beyond any reason.

IMO.

You've only been with him a year. You've only heard one side.

My ex seriously assaulted me. He denied it until he was blue in the face, including at court. He painted me as a liar and a woman scorned

Many years down the line now and his mask has slipped and people have seen his true colours.

Tread carefully.

Also my partners ex 😂 She’s batty. We always say she must have Bi polar or something.

We are pretty much at a point now though that if she texts anything that’s not related to collection times/drop offs and instead is just going on one, she gets ignored. So she basically gets ignored a lot. He just doesn’t reply to any of her moaning messages even when she sends 4-5 on a trot.

@Looenewcomer I'm sure they all go to a bitter ex club! We have exactly the same situation of ignoring messages when she is starting drama 😂😂😂

I see my husband's ex wife at family occasions that involve my sd who recently married. We have always made an effort for the sake of sd and mine and my husband's son. I enjoy a chat with her and she has been very kind to our 12 year old. She refers to him as her (sd's name) brother and he has stayed at her home on occasion. We don't have much in common aside from the kids but both understand how important it is to get along.

It’s been nearly 5 years and she is still difficult. She isn’t overtly hostile to my face but what she says and does behind closed doors comes out via the children who don’t quite realise the impact/meaning. Once a year there has been a big blow up out of nowhere like clockwork, usually timed for maximum effect.
With her it is personality (all her personal relationships are contentious I.e jobs/friends/family) but also she loathes that her ex husband is happy. She would love to see him alone and friendless and gives a lot of energy to that cause.
In between times she is ‘ok’ but we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop!

No - not in my case.

my husband deals with her…and doesn’t tell me many hurtful things so protect me… which I’m grateful.

I have no contact with her directly and never meet her!

It gets easier as children get older and can communicate with each parent alone. But there will also be an in issue at all stages in children life.

it’s hard … do you want to commit to such Agro? Good luck!

I could have written this word for word. The bitterness that my DH is happy with me is unreal. It's so tedious isn't it @QueenofallIsee ? And the people most damaged are the SDC. Just so sad and stupid.

This is just one of those things you have to wait and see about. I’ll fully admit I was dismissive of DD’s SM at first, purely because she was the 5th woman ex had introduced to DD in 6 months since we split. Now SM has been in the picture for a few years and seems a lovely person, DD gets along with her fine, so I help DD choose Xmas presents for her and stuff. DD age 6 also felt it was a shame there was Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, and no SM Day so got her a little themed thing and helped her make a card to show her appreciation. I never would have imagined that happening 3 years ago when she was just the latest in a line. So you never know.

Tedious in the extreme @harriethoyle. I really try not to give it too much headspace and focus on the fact that my SKs are ace so she really can’t be all bad…..I don’t always manage it though, if I’m completely brutally honest I don’t think the woman has a single redeeming feature. It’s not forever though, the last 5 years have flown by and another 5 years gives me adult and late teens SKs thank goodness

How is your partners relationship with his Ex? This is largely what impacts it.

If the dc were feeling very uncomfortable they wouldn't invite you to events so take that as a positive as she can't be that hostile towards you.

However I would avoid going to events, just be busy. A year old relationship could end and then your link with the children would stop.

DH’s ex is the epitome of everything I dislike in a person. Never in a million years would I ever want anything to improve with her. It wasn’t the case from the start, I was naive but she showed me who she was and I listened.

No. It’s been 9 years now. Apparently, according to her DH and I had an ongoing affair which caused the breakdown of their marriage 🙄 🙄 For context, yes I knew DH before we married and we went to school together. However, we only saw each other once during the time he was married to his ex and that was at an aquarium. He was with his ex and their daughter, I was with my ex and our daughter. We said ‘hi’ and then continued walking in opposite directions.

She’s tried attacking me physically several times before and her mum calls me a ‘slag’ even though I’ve never met her. The ex even tried to claim child maintenance from me which I thought was rather rich given how she treats me and I told her to F-off.

She used to message me a lot with ranty text messages until I blocked her. She then set up fake FB accounts to stalk me and send weird messages. Total psycho.

Irony of it was, she ended it with my now DH. It was only when she realised that he REALLY wasn’t coming back this time and that someone else was interested (me) that she wanted him again. By then, it was too late 🤷‍♀️

@SadStepMumToday I can empathise with that - apparently DH and I were having an affair when he and ex split. This is despite the fact we lived in different countries and didn't actually meet until two years after their separation. It would be laughable were it not fed to the children, at least one of whom believes this bollocks...

The first 18-24 months into my DP & I's relationship she was a constant annoying presence that just couldn't seem to accept the fact he had moved on and was happy without her (despite her cheating on him at least twice during their 9 year marriage). I do think some ex wives believe their past husband is going to be at their beckon call for anything and when they realise they no longer have that 'control' they go loopy. That's certainly what happened in my case. She didn't actually care about him or want him back.

But then she met a guy and it's like she dropped off the planet entirely! Though she still takes to social media to 'baby daddy' shame him (what an awful phrase). I think her pride was hurt more than anything when he my partner left her so now she finds it easier to hate his guts despite the fact that he's behaved very admiralty since their split for their DD's sake.

*admirably

In my experience, no. We're years down the line and she's still as difficult as she could possibly be.

‘IMO many of these women are so emotionally damaged they are unable to act as adults or reasonable human beings’

WTH! …. Time and time again, I read on threads here about the ‘toxic, vitriolic, batshit, aggressive, awkward, abusive ex’s’ who make the lives of the SM and her DP a misery.

Years ago I was also referred to in these terms by my Ex H’s new girlfriend. She made sure everyone knew how ‘crazy’ I was, and how I’d been violent to my ex, and how I ‘treated him so badly he had to leave me for his own protection’ None of it was true.
In fact, it was he who’d been abusive to me, and he (like so many men) made his GF believe everything he said. In turn, this encouraged her to hate me (she too hadn’t even met me) and she treated my kids appallingly, so I stopped her seeing them.

Personally, I think that all women should tread carefully when told by their partner that his ex was a nut job, because he’ll probably be saying the same about you one day!
Be wary if a man claims his ex was abusive and violent, but does nothing to take his kids away from that environment and leaves them with their ‘crazy mum’, because he’s either lying or doesn’t give a toss about the welfare of his kids. What kind of woman would want to be with a man like that?

I also would say that there’s plenty of decent women who make great Stepmum’s (and that includes stepfathers), but there are also some very spiteful ones who can’t help but make themselves out to be perfect and love to slag off their partners ex’s. This is usually down to jealousy that their partners had a family before.

I was with you until your final sentence when you gave the game away. As a stepmum who’s had a dreadful experience with the ex wife I can understand that there are two sides to every story and for every ‘crazy’ ex wife there’s usually an abusive husband!

HOWEVER, this Mumsnet myth that new partners or wives are ‘jealous’ of previous relationships or sex lives is utter utter bullshit.

You don't know this!

In a word op, no. It never gets better ime. The older the child gets, the less contact maybe but the hatred anger and jealousy is still there for us

Oh and before someone tells me I only know one side of the story, nope. DH actually didn't have one single bad word to say about her. She was a good mother, they'd split amicably. They coparented well. When she realised he wasn't going back she turned into a different person. She no longer prioritised her children, but her hatred of me and DH. She wasn't amicable. I saw her assault DH in the street, more than once. I've heard verbal abuse aimed at both me and him more times than I can even count. This is all in front of the children. We have texts from the last ten years full of abuse, staying he'd never see his child again, she'd tell everyone how he cheated on her (I had never even met him when we got together) how she'd convince his son he wasn't worth seeing etc. She wished my unborn child dead.

So no, I didn't get a side of the story, unfortunately for me I lived it. My biggest regret is not pressing charges.

Gave what ‘game away’?
Don’t be so ridiculous, it’s not utter bullshit at all. If you read my post properly, you will see that I wrote that there are decent step parents. BUT there are SOME NOT ALL Steps who are jealous that their new husbands/wives or partners have children with someone else.
And it’s up to you whether or not you think I’m talking a load of rubbish. I’ve experienced it with my children’s stepmom and I’ve known others who have too. What’s more, the amount of spite on these threads towards the ex wives is a disgrace.