Page 2 | partner won't let my child come round anymore

jonjonuk22 · 2022-10-30T18:42:08+00:00

im having troubles with the whole adapting as a step parent. recently my partner thinks im being extremely disrespectful to her child who lives with us, and has now resulted in issues when my daughter comes round. she now says, my daughter is not welcome in the house anymore and i should make alternative arrangements rather then staying at my home. until i can be more respectful to her child that's the way it will be i don't think this is right regardless of her reasons for saying it, i believe it should never come to me having to find alternative arrangements when my child is with me at the weekends. she thinks this is ok and our relationship shouldn't be affected by it and i should accept it and that its wrong that my child is a factor in our relationship like this is this right to just accept this ?

canfor · 30/10/2022 19:29

Your child comes first. Your relationship is not compatible with continuing to be a parent to your child. If you want to have a daughter that talks to you in adulthood, move out and move on.

Shittytittybangbang · 30/10/2022 19:29

I agree you should move out- mainly because you do not feel able to step parent or build a relationship with the child you live with.
I would have already sent you packing.
You need to put your child first also.

Tilly10too · 30/10/2022 19:30

I can't see this relationship working long term tbh. If it was me I would be looking to move out and get my own place where I could offer my child a home.

JennyJungle · 30/10/2022 19:33

She should be putting her daughter first and getting rid of you if you can’t find ways to engage with her daughter and you don’t bother except to only tell her off.

You then act completely different when your own daughter is around…

Its not on.

She should Bin you off instead of coming up with this ridiculous notion you can’t have your daughter over.

Original poster

jonjonuk22 · 30/10/2022 19:34

Gemmanorthdevon · 30/10/2022 19:23

So you don't regularly engage with her but have no problem telling her off? And you behave in a completely different manner in front of her with your own child?

That's really sad.

Kindest thing for all involved would be for you to leave.

i engage with her child, as much as able. when we talk to her she doesn't talk back or gets frustrated by the comment questions we ask, so have to leave her to it, so after time its easier to limit questions/engagement like that as causes more harm then good.. .. and the telling off part, if she does something wrong and i am looking after her i will tell her to stop doing something, that's a given. i don't discipline her.

in response to your behaving in a completely different manner in front of her with your own child... she can't hold a conversation with me or anyone else, therefore my behaviour is going to be different. i can hold a convo with my child. she doesnt want to go to cinema or go to park and struggles with loud sounds. my child doesn't have them concerns so i go to the cinema and to the park and such.. that's treating them differently, because i can't do it with hers. its not the case of i don't want to or choosing not to .. its not possible ..

so im sorry, not the case of what your implying

OP posts:

Original poster

jonjonuk22 · 30/10/2022 19:42

JennyJungle · 30/10/2022 19:33

She should be putting her daughter first and getting rid of you if you can’t find ways to engage with her daughter and you don’t bother except to only tell her off.

You then act completely different when your own daughter is around…

Its not on.

She should Bin you off instead of coming up with this ridiculous notion you can’t have your daughter over.

the acting different is based on being able to do things with my daughter that i can't do with hers..

mine likes going to the cinema, hers doesn't.or the park, or playing games, so that means i shouldn't go with mine? or shouldn't show interest with that because i can't do it with hers?

her daughter wants to play with her phone most of the day and watch her programs, so when she does that, everyone else in the house is doing there thing including the other kids in the house, but when mine comes, she wants to do something different so i engage with that.. i can not see where there is anything wrong in that fact

there are very limited ways to engage with her daughter, and i do engage every way possible and involve her where physically possible, when she does something wrong and im looking after her i will tell her off for it as that's the normal right thing to do, its not the case of just telling her off, its trying to teach her right from wrong which we both have an understanding of doing,

so she should bin me off regardless of anything else. ok, thanks for your input

OP posts:

Rogue1001MNer · 30/10/2022 19:45

It's your partner's house, so she has the ultimate say in who stays under her roof.

But, personally I wouldn't live somewhere my child wasn't welcome.

How well do the DC get on?

MightyOaks · 30/10/2022 19:49

Why is it up to her?!?! It's your house too now!!!!!

Rowthe · 30/10/2022 19:52

You need to put your kid first.

First of all find somewhere else to live.

You'll have to leave your partners house.

HotCoffee22 · 30/10/2022 19:52

Sounds dysfunctional, OP I’d knock this on the head.

SuperCamp · 30/10/2022 19:53

If, for whatever reason, she is not happy with the way you engage (or not) with her child, she needs to finish the arrangement. It is terrible to play games over access to your own child. Horrible.

And of course you cannot allow her to exclude your child.

I think even if you could now have an honest two way conversation about how you both feel about your relationship with her child, her behaviour in weaponising yours would be a deal breaker for me.

User12310 · 30/10/2022 19:55

How does your partner interact with her DD? Could you copy that?

I wonder if it’s jealousy/resentment that’s causing her to say this? Watching you with your DD makes her realise the differences between them and the relationships that you can have with your children.

Regardless, she is being unreasonable. I’d be looking to move out and move on.

SwaffhamCurious · 30/10/2022 20:03

Your partner sounds batshit. Move out and save everyone the needless chaos and misery.

Ibouncetothebeat · 30/10/2022 20:04

Sounds like you are unsure of how to engage with your partners DD.

Could you explain to your partner that your hear her concerns and understands that she wants you to have a connection with her DD. Ask her to help you with that, actually guide you. Tell you what you should do, then observe you doing it and then tell you how she thinks it went. I think some clear conversations and expectations are needed as well as guidance on how to connect with her DD.

The banning of your DD is not right, but probably just a response to her being upset. Show her your willingness to try and she should back down.

Strangeways19 · 30/10/2022 20:05

jonjonuk22 · 30/10/2022 19:34

i engage with her child, as much as able. when we talk to her she doesn't talk back or gets frustrated by the comment questions we ask, so have to leave her to it, so after time its easier to limit questions/engagement like that as causes more harm then good.. .. and the telling off part, if she does something wrong and i am looking after her i will tell her to stop doing something, that's a given. i don't discipline her.

in response to your behaving in a completely different manner in front of her with your own child... she can't hold a conversation with me or anyone else, therefore my behaviour is going to be different. i can hold a convo with my child. she doesnt want to go to cinema or go to park and struggles with loud sounds. my child doesn't have them concerns so i go to the cinema and to the park and such.. that's treating them differently, because i can't do it with hers. its not the case of i don't want to or choosing not to .. its not possible ..

so im sorry, not the case of what your implying

Show quote history

I get this, you would have a different relationship with these children not just because you don't see your DD as much therefore you want to values your time more, or the fact that your gf's DD is neurodivergent, but with neither of those things going on, there would be a different relationship because even though we all try to treat our children fairly, it's never going to be the same relationship because people are all different. I get what you're saying.

I think your gf is being unreasonable because she should value the fact that you have a DD you want to see & that relationship is important.

If you can solve this by asking what it is she would like you to do differently with her DD, and if this is an unreasonable request - such as she's asked you to engage with her in ways she can't, you have choices- either move out or as joint tenant (if you are one) you should be able to assert having your DD at weekends.

2bazookas · 30/10/2022 20:07

When did you move in with your partner?
Are you both living in a home she owns?

Workawayxx · 30/10/2022 20:08

i think you both need to accept that the relationship with the DC involved is incompatible.

when you say to your gf what you’ve said here - that you can’t really engage with her DC without risking a meltdown and you do need to tell her not to do something if you’re looking after her - what is her response? How does she feel you can engage more fully with her DC? Is there anything her DC does enjoy that you could do together eg a game on your phones that you connect on? I’m just wondering if you’ve switched off due to issues and there is something you can do to reengage with sone honest communication with your gf.

She is definitely wrong to say you can’t see your DC in your home together though. I am struggling to work out if she has come to that conclusion because she’s so upset about the difference in the DC and her DCs additional needs or if you have really disengaged with her DC in a way that isn’t ok.

Original poster

jonjonuk22 · 30/10/2022 20:17

2bazookas · 30/10/2022 20:07

When did you move in with your partner?
Are you both living in a home she owns?

moved in 4 years ago

she owns the house.. we not financially able to get a house together yet

OP posts:

CarefreeMe · 30/10/2022 20:26

If I thought someone was disrespecting my child, the relationship would be over.

If my partner told me my child wasn’t welcome in our home, the relationship would be over.

It doesn’t actually matter which one of you is right and which isn’t.
One of you has crossed a line and things aren’t going to get better.

It’s hard to say what’s happened here but of course you’re going to make a big effort with your DD and do things that she enjoys.

It is not fair on your DD that she sits at home and does nothing because her step sister has different interests.

It does sound like you need to find a way to connect with your new stepchild and if she likes gaming then that’s a great way to get involved!
It’s something the girls could do together too.

But no way should you be made to feel guilty for doing things with your DD.

This relationship has already ended though.
So you both need to face facts and sort somewhere else to live.

LaGioconda · 30/10/2022 20:38

This just isn't going to work. Regardless of whether she is right or not about her child, punishing yours as a result is completely unacceptable. Time to move out, OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2022 20:43

Move out op. Regardless of whether or not your interaction with her dd is optimal, this woman cannot force you to not see your dd. This is a massive red flag. I do wonder if it more she is jealous of the relationship you sre able to have with your dd. Thank goodness you weren’t able to buy together so it will be easy to cut ties. Please please leave. .

BreadInCaptivity · 30/10/2022 20:58

The situation is simply untenable for everyone involved.

The reasons to some degree are actually irrelevant.

It's not fair to inflict this set in on either of the children.

Move out.

Tbh I'm struggling to understand what other answer you want from anyone or that you haven't arrived at this conclusion by yourself.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/10/2022 20:59

No.

Get rid of this woman.

Prioritise your daughter

Foxylass · 30/10/2022 21:05

So you interact with your step daughter in the only way you can and you interact with your daughter in the only way you can.
Your partner is not happy that your interactions are different (although suited to each 'child')?

Wow... you can not win. Get out.

You sound like you are doing your best and taking into account the comfort of each 'child'.

focuspocus · 30/10/2022 21:15

She sounds controlling. As pp said at least you are not financially tied together yet. It's unreasonable to punish your daughter when she hasn't done anything wrong. DC takes priority. If you do go down the road of buying with her or anyone get independent advice and make sure you are tenants in common and you have a Will saying what you want to happen with your share of the property. Make sure someone you trust outside of your relationship has a copy.