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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Asking my boyfriends son to meet my family

79 replies

Illcity247 · 24/10/2022 11:44

So, I have a big brother that lives in Yorkshire. He planned to come down for his two newly adopted children to meet the family (I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters).
It was organised that my boyfriend's son (we've been together a year) was going to come along to meet them with us. I pushed for it because I see us as a family.
However, the week before my boyfriend told me his son had a football match scheduled and that he wouldn't be able to come with us. I was really devastated. I got upset and said that it's really unfair to pull out this late notice when it has been organised for months. My boyfriend said however what his son wants come first, and he wanted to go to football and not come to meet my nieces. For context his son really loves football. He is a bit of a lonesome child with few hobbies or friends. My boyfriend has his son every Saturday so I will often spend most weekends with him. My parents have both passed so my siblings are all I have.
We had a huge argument because I felt like I was not considered.
Am I being unfair saying I felt like his son could have missed one match to meet my family? My boyfriend is adamant what his son wants come first and if it happened again, the same would happen.
Friends of mine have said I didn't ask too much, but I'm not a parent and new to this step-parenting thing.

OP posts:
FridayNightWinner · 24/10/2022 11:58

It is a tricky one but I think gently, you are being a bit unreasonable. The son has already expressed he wants to go to football rather than meeting your nieces. You therefore cannot force him or expect his dad to force him to come.
I think you need to take a step back, you've only been together a year, you're dad's girlfriend at the moment and not quite stepmother. When he's ready to meet your family, I'm sure he'll come.

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/10/2022 12:14

Sorry, but I think you are BU here. You may consider everyone family, but others may not share that view - you’ve only been together a year. You are not this lads step mother, you are the girlfriend of his dad. Why would he be interested in meeting his dads girlfriends nieces? Of course he would rather play football - and his dad understands that.

lunar1 · 24/10/2022 12:35

Children in football teams have a lot of pressure put in them to not miss matches as sometimes they can leave the team short.

The match can't be taking the entire day, isn't there still time for them to meet?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 24/10/2022 12:40

Yes, you are being unfair.

This child’s weekends and contact time with his father aren’t there to facilitate you playing happy families. Of course this boy would rather play football with his team than meet two girls he has no connection to.

Your friends are just being kind to you, probably with no experience of situations like this themselves, while your boyfriend is being realistic.

liveforsummer · 24/10/2022 12:40

Definitely BU. Football is a commitment and lets down the rest of the team if he pulls out too. It was right of your bf to prioritise his son. Could he not come and meet you after the match it's not an all day thing

Marblessolveeverything · 24/10/2022 12:43

The child has a commitment to this team. With the best will in the world you are being unreasonable - his sons needs and at times wants will always come first - as they should.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 24/10/2022 12:51

I think in regard to this specific occasion, YABU because it’s not an event I’d expect the boy to go to in the first place - you don’t even live with his dad. If however as a general principle your boyfriend would always drop plans according to what his son fancied doing then that would be a big problem.

Have you or your family paid for food etc that will be wasted by your boyfriend’s son not attending? If so then I’d ask your boyfriend to reimburse that cost.

Nimo12 · 24/10/2022 12:54

You are being unreasonable sorry. Of course you're disappointed but as others have said, the kid has a commitment to his team and as others have said his needs and wants need to come before yours.

LondonQueen · 24/10/2022 12:56

How old is the son? I think that's quite important too, if younger then it's not as big a deal to miss a match.

Bb16103 · 24/10/2022 12:57

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that the boy doesn’t want to come, as others have said here football is quite a commitment when you get into a team & even at a young age they can be quite strict that if you miss a game you aren’t in the next one.

That aside, your partner was being unreasonable to not say clearly from the start, that he would only be able to attend IF there wasn’t a match, this is where it’s fallen down a bit, he hasn’t managed your expectations at all.

Is your partner still coming with you or will he be attending the match?

stealthninjamum · 24/10/2022 12:58

Sorry op, children who do sports and clubs at the weekend never miss them. In the past I’ve tried to have a birthday party on a Saturday and learnt that half the children invited wouldn’t make it because of some club or another.

NotLactoseFree · 24/10/2022 12:58

YABU. You have been with your bf for a year so really, it seems a little excessive to be this involved with the boy anyway. More importantly, as others have said, a football match is a commitment and not something that can just be cancelled. There are a lot of things about having children where you have to prioritise the child's activities. You're not a parent so you don't necessarily understand that, but it is a reality.

Of course, I don't see why him and his dad couldn't join you and the rest of the family afterwards.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/10/2022 13:00

Of course it is unreasonable of you, not just to your Boyfriends son (so not even your step son) but to your brothers daughters, they are meeting their new family members it will probably be difficult for them will all the new faces, tbh I dont think your boyfriend should be there either, you have only been together a year, its not like he is your husband and they are meeting their uncle, he is just Aunties boyfriend.

butterfliedtwo · 24/10/2022 13:02

YABU. A parent putting his child first should not devastate you. If it does, you're in the wrong relationship.

Magn · 24/10/2022 13:02

I'm surprised by these responses. Whilst I don't think the son should have been coming in the first place, the boyfriend bailed on plans that had been in place for months because of something extremely foreseeable. I'd be peed off about that whoever had done it.

gogohmm · 24/10/2022 13:03

The football match is important, can he not come afterwards?

gogohmm · 24/10/2022 13:04

You don't always know when matches are months ahead anyway

liveforsummer · 24/10/2022 13:04

Magn · 24/10/2022 13:02

I'm surprised by these responses. Whilst I don't think the son should have been coming in the first place, the boyfriend bailed on plans that had been in place for months because of something extremely foreseeable. I'd be peed off about that whoever had done it.

Could be a new team/hobby, a rescheduled match. Bf might not have realised how upset ds would be. Loads of possible reasons

Everydaywheniwakeup · 24/10/2022 13:06

Why would the child want to miss his match to spend a day with strangers? They are your family, not his and you are a relatively new girlfriend. I think YABVU.

Cyshion · 24/10/2022 13:07

I don't think you've been with his dad for long enough for his son to make sacrifices for the family unit.

Unicorn717 · 24/10/2022 13:09

Yabu.

The son wants to have a day out with his dad because he goes to see his dad on a Saturday. I can't really see why he would want to change that to spend the day with strangers. You haven't been with him long enough.

Gemmanorthdevon · 24/10/2022 13:10

Well done Dad!

His wants and needs come first, not yours. That's the difference between a parent and the partner of one.

Probably best get used to it or your in for a bumpy ride If you want to stay with him then get ready to lift this child up and help bf give him the world..part of that is realising how much bigger the " little things" are. It's not " just one match"....its part of his physical and social development. Its what he trains for, all he thinks about and probably all his football peers have been talking about recently. Why would even suggest he sacrifices that so you can put on a little show?! Dad clearly knows what is what. Listen to him.

unfortunateevents · 24/10/2022 13:12

You have been with your bf for one year, presumably you didn't even meet his son for several months so in his mind, you are a new person in his life and now you want him to spend the day meeting what, to him, is a bunch of strangers. Yes I'm afraid you are being unreasonable here.

Whadda · 24/10/2022 13:16

You’re being unreasonable on so many grounds.

You’ve been with your boyfriend for a year- you’re not a stepmum. Many women wouldn’t have even met their boyfriend’s sons at this stage, let alone want their schedules adjusted.

Your boyfriend is right- his son should come first and should go to football.

This sounds like a big occasion for your brother. Bringing and unrelated child to meet everyone will steal his thunder. Don’t do this. Let the focus be on his children who are actually part of the family.

RoobarbandCustud · 24/10/2022 13:16

I was a stepchild - I think it's brilliant that you want to include your BFs son in your extended family. Thank you for not seeing him as a bolt on extra that can easily fall off. Saying that it's not unreasonable that he plays in the football match. Could he and you BF come later? Does his DM have a view? My DM massively resented any contact I had with my DSMs family - her view was that my DSM and her family were nothing to do with my us. I liked it that we were invited but often felt conflicted as I knew it hurt my DM.