Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Asking my boyfriends son to meet my family

79 replies

Illcity247 · 24/10/2022 11:44

So, I have a big brother that lives in Yorkshire. He planned to come down for his two newly adopted children to meet the family (I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters).
It was organised that my boyfriend's son (we've been together a year) was going to come along to meet them with us. I pushed for it because I see us as a family.
However, the week before my boyfriend told me his son had a football match scheduled and that he wouldn't be able to come with us. I was really devastated. I got upset and said that it's really unfair to pull out this late notice when it has been organised for months. My boyfriend said however what his son wants come first, and he wanted to go to football and not come to meet my nieces. For context his son really loves football. He is a bit of a lonesome child with few hobbies or friends. My boyfriend has his son every Saturday so I will often spend most weekends with him. My parents have both passed so my siblings are all I have.
We had a huge argument because I felt like I was not considered.
Am I being unfair saying I felt like his son could have missed one match to meet my family? My boyfriend is adamant what his son wants come first and if it happened again, the same would happen.
Friends of mine have said I didn't ask too much, but I'm not a parent and new to this step-parenting thing.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 24/10/2022 13:18

Why don't you all go and watch him play then go for lunch afterwards?

AnneElliott · 24/10/2022 13:20

I think you're BU as well. Do you have kids yourself? I don't know any young kid that would want to drop football to meet actual relatives - let alone the family of his dads girlfriend.

If your BF is coming along then I think that's all you can ask for really.

LolaSmiles · 24/10/2022 13:23

It's fine for you to be disappointed, but not because your boyfriend's child has a match.
Your boyfriend should have managed your expectations and said that his attendance would depend on the match schedule, though to be honest I don't think it's really an event that a boyfriend's child should be going to and it's good that your boyfriend has identified that his child's hobby is more important than spending the afternoon meeting his dad's girlfriend's family.

liveforsummer · 24/10/2022 13:24

girlmom21 · 24/10/2022 13:18

Why don't you all go and watch him play then go for lunch afterwards?

He sounds like a shy boy. I'm not sure he'd appreciate a bunch of strangers turning up to watch

girlmom21 · 24/10/2022 13:26

He sounds like a shy boy. I'm not sure he'd appreciate a bunch of strangers turning up to watch

Fair enough.
Take the girls to soft play or bowling and meet for lunch after.

Fireflygal · 24/10/2022 13:29

I pushed for it because I see us as a family

If you pushed for this was your bf really on board? A year is still dating so both parties are wise to take time, at least 2 years to see if the relationship will work. You and your bf have had a mismatch on expectations. Rather than get upset step back and realise that this event has crystallised a relationship issue.

Dating with children is different. Meeting you is one thing and should be taken slowly but meeting your extended family is quite another level. If your bf has multiple relationships of around 2 years long how many girlfriends and familes could his son meet over his childhood? Perhaps this is what your bf is protecting his son from?

Singleandproud · 24/10/2022 13:34

YABU

You aren't a step mum, you are dad's girlfriend. You've been together just a year and spend most weekends together.

Quite frankly I don't even think you should have met your bfs son yet let alone be encroaching on the short amount of time they have together every weekend And then demanding they meet people they aren't related to. The son should come first, sports matches get rearranged all the time. His time with his dad is to benefit him and build his relationship with his dad, not you.

If you were married, been in the sons life for several years and these were new step cousins that he would be seeing regularly then that might be different but that is not what is happening.

Plus it would be overwhelming for the new additions to the family to meet so many people.

Snoken · 24/10/2022 13:38

It's lovely that you see yourselves as one big happy family, but it's waaay too soon. You are just his dad's new girlfriend who he sees 3-4 days a month. I can't imagine he has any interest at all seeing your brother and his kids just yet. I'm amazed your BF said yes to this, given how little time he spends with his son in the first place.

America12 · 24/10/2022 13:40

You're not family to your partner's child. You're his dad's girlfriend.

Laurdo · 24/10/2022 13:45

I can understood why you're disappointed. You had good intentions trying to include your boyfriend's son in your family occasion. I don't think it's fair to say 1 year is too early. It really depends on your relationship. People can be together 5 years and see each other once a week or a year and see each other daily. By 6 months I'd met my DPs kids, we'd put an offer in on a house and spoke about getting married. I'm not sure what your situation is.

If you had to push for his DS to be included then it suggest that it was something your BF wasn't overly keen on. Either way he should have managed your expectations better either letting you know he may have football or he'd need to ask if he wanted to go. To pull out last minute is a bit unfair but if your BF wasn't all the comfortable with it in the first place maybe that's why. Seems that you may need to communicate better. Also I don't agree with "what DS wants goes". He's a child and sometime kids need to go to things they don't want to and sometimes they can't have ice cream for breakfast just because they want to.

Could you comprise and have your BF and his DS join you all later on? If not, I think you'll just need to accept that he won't be there. Don't let it ruin your day and have a nice time with your family and meeting the other family members. There'll be other opportunities for BFs DS to meet your family.

StampOnTheGround · 24/10/2022 13:47

YABU - nothing more to add than what others have already said

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/10/2022 13:50

Sorry but this is his regular hobby and something he 'does with Dad', but you're expecting him to drop everything to meet a bunch of strangers?

It's great that you want to include him, but you can't force him to want to be part of your family. And you're not a step parent, you're his Dad's girlfriend.

Sorry, but I think you need to change your expectations a bit. And I think your DP is totally in the right in putting his son first. Just spend time with your family and enjoy meeting your new nephews or nieces.

Razu45 · 24/10/2022 13:52

Illcity247 · 24/10/2022 11:44

So, I have a big brother that lives in Yorkshire. He planned to come down for his two newly adopted children to meet the family (I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters).
It was organised that my boyfriend's son (we've been together a year) was going to come along to meet them with us. I pushed for it because I see us as a family.
However, the week before my boyfriend told me his son had a football match scheduled and that he wouldn't be able to come with us. I was really devastated. I got upset and said that it's really unfair to pull out this late notice when it has been organised for months. My boyfriend said however what his son wants come first, and he wanted to go to football and not come to meet my nieces. For context his son really loves football. He is a bit of a lonesome child with few hobbies or friends. My boyfriend has his son every Saturday so I will often spend most weekends with him. My parents have both passed so my siblings are all I have.
We had a huge argument because I felt like I was not considered.
Am I being unfair saying I felt like his son could have missed one match to meet my family? My boyfriend is adamant what his son wants come first and if it happened again, the same would happen.
Friends of mine have said I didn't ask too much, but I'm not a parent and new to this step-parenting thing.

You’ve been together a poxy year and you were going to bring your boyf and his son to meet you adopted nieces that YOU have never met before.

I would have been a tad 🤔 if I was your brother

MeridianB · 24/10/2022 13:56

I agree with those saying it's a nice idea but it's way, way, way too soon.

As PP mentioned, meeting a child is sensible around the end of the first year, followed by progress at the child's pace. And all the while, making sure you don't spend every single contact weekend there, so they have tons of 1:1 time.

I think your BF and his son not going to this particular family gathering may also be for the best so the focus can be on your brother's new children and their first time meeting everyone, which is a huge event.

InsertPunHere · 24/10/2022 14:02

You've been completely unreasonable. Of course he should go to football. These things are so important to kids. Meeting your extended family isn't a priority for him, nor should it be.

You've only been seeing this kid's father for 12 months and yet this big family get together has been "arranged for months"? You are trying to move far, far too quickly. You aren't this boy's stepmother, you're his dad's girlfriend.

PinkSyCo · 24/10/2022 14:05

I think you’re boyfriend would be very unreasonable to force his DS to miss a football match in order to meet your family. They are not his family and neither are you.

Youchewb · 24/10/2022 14:15

'I pushed for this as I see us as a family'
I mean this kindly OP but you're a year in. It's really not your place to be pushing meetings with your partners son. Not yet anyway.

In regards to the plans, your partners son would prefer to go to football. It's just the way it is, I don't think he is being unreasonable. I get it's upsetting for you but you cannot take the lead on pushing family meetings for the child, the child / father needs to do this, at a pace everybody is comfortable with.

NotaCoolMum · 24/10/2022 14:22
  1. you are NOT a step parent. You are the girlfriend of this boys Dad.
  2. YABU. I’m fully on Dads side. His DS wants to play football. I highly doubt he’s interested in meeting dads girlfriends family.
SpentDandelion · 24/10/2022 14:24

Why on earth would be even be interested in meeting your nieces ?
I have two sons and this is exactly why l can't be doing with dating, yet to find a man who isn ' t jealous of them or being a drama queen when things don't t go his way. Any decent parent will always put their child first, you will drive your partner away regarding your neediness.

Hillrunning · 24/10/2022 14:24

I don't thinknit was right to want him there in the first place. These two adopted children are about to face something very odd (here is toy new extended family!) Adding a child to the mix who may or may not be around in the future is confusing for them. It is also a bit thunder stealing and a little crass.

J0CASTA · 24/10/2022 14:26

You want this lad to miss football to meet his dad’s girlfriend’s new nieces / nephews ?

Thats crazy. If they are newly adopted then they will be quite overwhelmed meeting lots of new people. Much better for the children that it’s just you - the fewer people the better. They can meet you your relatively new BF and his child at a later date.

You need to stop seeing this as an opportunity to enforce your own vision of your own nuclear family , and see it as a way of supporting your brother and his DW/DP and welcoming their children.

Adoption is extremely tough on everyone involved . Your brother and his family need you to be there for then and focussed on their needs at this challenging time.

AintNoThang · 24/10/2022 14:36

YABU.

StopStartStop · 24/10/2022 14:44

OP, deep breaths.
You're awfully 'entitled' for a girlfriend of hardly more than a few minutes, aren't you?
Why should you be 'considered' more than your boyfriend's son?
Why have you even met the son, if you haven't been with his father very long? A year is nothing.
Do you want to present to your family as a fully-formed family of your own? Why might that be?
I think you probably need to find a therapist and talk through what you want from a relationship and why. It's not that you're necessarily wrong (maybe a bit premature) but the effect of not getting your own way seems somewhat extreme.

Seaweed42 · 24/10/2022 14:48

You are probably only thinking of your side of it?
How long has the boy's parents been separated? Has your boyfriend had other partners? How many partner's families has he had to meet already?
I'd say your boyfriend is doing the right thing. He's putting his son's welfare and mental health first.
You are only with your boyfriend a year. That's not that long.

Sikaris · 24/10/2022 14:56

You see this as your family? That's too early on. How come you see him as your stepson? Do you live together? Do you parent him aswell? Do his friends know who you are? Does his teacher know who you are? Does he come to you with questions and problems? Do you care for him when he's ill?

I don't think that you should try to be a stepmum until you can do this for the rest of the childs life, even if you and bf break up. Otherwise, you're just a passing girlfriend.