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Original poster

My boyfriends ex family holiday advice

57 replies

Neurodiversemum · 24/10/2022 10:11

Hello

I’m just looking for some advice
my boyfriends family have invited us all on holiday we have been together 3 years and we both have kids from previous relationships.

his ex has also been invited last night and she has a great relationship with his family as they were together 10 years I’ve only met them 2 times and I’ve only met her once. He told me I have 18mths to save up 7.5k to come on the holiday or he will just be going with his family and his ex his kids mum .

Now it’s not that I’m against a blended holiday but the way he told me was pretty shitty and I’m not sure I want to pay 7.5k for a awkward holiday plus spending holiday and that like he’s going anyway and it seemed like it doesn’t matter how I feel .

So I told him how I felt and that we should of discussed it rather than just telling me what we are doing , and he should at least understand it would be not easy and I’m not sure I would actually be comfortable continuing in a relationship where I was just dismissed he said no it’s perfectly normal to have holidays like this and I’m the only one making it an issue . For context I said my ex has Invited us and the kids to France where he lives and my boyfriend has said no that’s it’s completely different anyway after about 30 mins I worked things out in my head and said if I can afford to go then I will come along and be civil for the kids and he offered to pay for one of my children so I thought ok that’s sorted

This morning he woke up and he isn’t talking to me He told me i’m a control freak and i think I’m the world ruler

I feel like my feelings are justified

Am I in the wrong ?

OP posts:
Menopants · 24/10/2022 10:13

7.5 grand to sit and watch his family guffaw and play happy families with his ex? Madness. He sounds horrible

MeridianB · 24/10/2022 10:53

Your BF is a first class arsehole. I wouldn't stay another minute with someone who spoke to me like that, called me names and refused to talk to me. It's emotionally abusive.

His reaction to the trip with your ex is totally hypocrytical but he's also choosing to gaslight you about that, too. It's appalling behaviour.

I'm assuimg you don't live together. If so, I'd simply block him on everything so you never have to be on the receiveing end of his sh*t again. You and your DC deserve so much better.

Chamomileteaplease · 24/10/2022 11:06

Shame you have had three years with this nasty man but I would get out now.

He gave you a fait accompli
He got vicious when you told him your feelings
He said going away with your ex was completely different

Added to this sounds like the ex will forever be in the background hovering.

Your BF really does sound very uncaring and nasty. Please find someone else who not only has less baggage but who is actually a nice person.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2022 11:08

Tell him to fuck off. Hopefully you don’t live together? He’s pathetic. Go on holiday with your ex if you and the kids will enjoy it.

PeeAche2 · 24/10/2022 11:09

OP, if he’s putting you in an impossible situation and talking to you like crap, he’s subtle dumping you: treating you so badly that you dump him.

If this were a Hollywood movie, you’d string him along and passively aggressively punish him until you fall in love with someone else on this holiday and realise the error of your ways. But this isn’t a movie, so please god, dump his sorry ass and spend the money on something you actually want to do.

Oh and one more thing - if you let him pay for one of your kids, you’ll never hear the end of it. And his whole family will know. And his ex will know. And it will be humiliating for you and your kid.

MeridianB · 24/10/2022 11:10

He gave you a fait accompli

Yes, I meant to add, that this could be all about reconciling with his ex and him being too much of a scumbag to have an honest, grown-up conversation about it.

Motnight · 24/10/2022 11:12

£7.5 k for a holiday you literally have no say in? It's bonkers.

RodiganReed · 24/10/2022 11:16

£7.5k?!??!!

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 24/10/2022 11:16

Dump him. What a waste of 3 years. I wouldn’t be parting with £7k to be on holiday with him and people who make me feel uncomfortable.

Hoppinggreen · 24/10/2022 11:18

I wouldn’t pay £7 to do on that holiday, let alone £7000

SpringIntoChaos · 24/10/2022 11:44

Jesus!! 7.5k for a holiday with his ex in tow? 😱😱😱

That should be a resounding NO FUCKING WAY!

He's barmy...completely and utterly barmy!!

Nightynightnight · 24/10/2022 11:48

I'm afraid I agree with previous posters.

In a healthy relationship he would have had a discussion with you about your feelings BEFORE agreeing to go on holiday with his family and his ex. He would not present it to you as a foregone conclusion and get aggressive when you want to discuss it.

His family sound like they have decided that no matter who he is in a relationship with, their loyalty will always be with the ex. This will always be difficult for you. Every family party, every holiday from now on in you will be wondering if she will be there. This is not usual. It's not awful and it can work but only with very clear boundaries and where all parties feelings are accepted and taken into account. Your partner's reaction shows that this will not be the case.

His reaction to you suggesting you go away with your ex was extremely telling. Unless there is something major you are not telling us about your ex, there is absolutely no difference between him and his kids holidaying with his ex and you and your kids holidaying with your ex.

Do you always want to feel like you are second place to his ex?
Do you always want your feelings to brushed aside and to be accused of controlling behaviour every time you want to discuss something?
Do you want to face abusive and controlling silent treatment every time you express discomfort or disagree with him?

Thereisnolight · 24/10/2022 11:50

He doesn’t want you there - he just wants a holiday with his DCs and mum (and the DCs mum).

How is the rest of your relationship?

Original poster
Neurodiversemum · 24/10/2022 13:14

Thank you for your comments tbh my previous relationships have all been very physically abusive and so this is the best most stable one I have had . He works abroad in the mines so we don’t live together but he treats me well in general .

I do have autism and sometimes I find it hard to know how to react to things . So initially I was really mad and then he was like it’s a holiday for my mum she’s 70 this year and wants to make memories for the grand children before she is too old etc and I do understand the reasoning I just think it’s a lot of money and I feel like the kids and his ex can go as they are all close and always do stuff together why do we. Have to go or specifically why does he have to go .

I’ve been called crazy and things in previous relationships so I always second guess myself if it’s me being unreasonable so I appreciate the replies

OP posts:
Original poster
Neurodiversemum · 24/10/2022 13:17

I should say he’s saying it’s different with my ex because this one with his ex is technically a holiday for his mum , the one my ex invited us was just a general invitation to go over and stay .

OP posts:
LondonWolf · 24/10/2022 13:20

I'm good friends with all my SILand regularly attend family get togethers with them and our children, sometimes PIL too. So I am the ex W in the situation you describe.

No way on this earth would I expect you to put up with this BS! He sounds like an arsehole!

NotLactoseFree · 24/10/2022 13:21

Let me list the problems:

  1. double standard - you must go on holiday with him and his ex but you can't go on holiday with your ex
  2. He wants you to pay an eye watering £7500 for a holiday with zero discussion around whether this is something you want to do, or can afford to do.
  3. He wants you to go on holiday with his extended family, at great expense and (I assume, time) when you don't even know these people.
  4. He is being emotionally cruel on purpose to manipulate you and to ensure that you do not question him in the future.
MeridianB · 24/10/2022 13:43

Oh OP, don't accept a few crumbs of 'more stable than previous' abusive relationships. You deserve so much more.

Please take a look at the Freedom Programme, which could help you break the cycle of forming relationships with abusive men. Your current BF is one of these. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The holiday is a red herring. He clearly doesn't want you to go. No one pushes a £7.5K bill onto someone then shuts down any discussion. Don't go - spend your holiday budget how you and your DC want.

Oh, and the principle of this trip and the open invitation from your ex is the same - it's another example of him putting himself first and then making you feel like the unreasonable one. Caring partners don't do this.

From what you have said, your BF does not have your best interests at heart or respect you. So why stay with him?

DenholmElliot1 · 24/10/2022 17:24

Where on earth is this holiday thats costing £7500?

Who is paying for his kids and ex wife?

DenholmElliot1 · 24/10/2022 17:25

But to answer your question, no, I wouldn't spend £7500 on a holiday with my boyfriend and his mother and his kids and his ex wife. I'd rather take my own kids to Butlins for a long week-end and have a new kitchen!

Razu45 · 24/10/2022 17:26

Op

why the heck don’t you you the £7.5k to treat your children rather than tag along on your boyfriend of 3 years holiday with his ex and kids.

pretty sure your children would prefer a separate holiday than what is bound to be a shit show

Isaidnoalready · 24/10/2022 17:40

7.5k? Are you paying for everyone?

Quarique · 24/10/2022 18:06

Is his ex paying that much as well?

I think your judgement is sound, trust it and dump him.

Imsomeoneelse · 24/10/2022 18:20

NotLactoseFree · 24/10/2022 13:21

Let me list the problems:

  1. double standard - you must go on holiday with him and his ex but you can't go on holiday with your ex
  2. He wants you to pay an eye watering £7500 for a holiday with zero discussion around whether this is something you want to do, or can afford to do.
  3. He wants you to go on holiday with his extended family, at great expense and (I assume, time) when you don't even know these people.
  4. He is being emotionally cruel on purpose to manipulate you and to ensure that you do not question him in the future.

All of this. Sorry, it’s a really bad relationship.

Quitelikeit · 24/10/2022 18:26

Who is paying for his ex?

please don’t spend that sum of money to go and experience what could be a very awkward situation. It could increase your anxiety enormously.

I would suggest a lovely weekend away somewhere with his mum and all your kids