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Original poster

My boyfriends ex family holiday advice

57 replies

Neurodiversemum · 24/10/2022 10:11

Hello

I’m just looking for some advice
my boyfriends family have invited us all on holiday we have been together 3 years and we both have kids from previous relationships.

his ex has also been invited last night and she has a great relationship with his family as they were together 10 years I’ve only met them 2 times and I’ve only met her once. He told me I have 18mths to save up 7.5k to come on the holiday or he will just be going with his family and his ex his kids mum .

Now it’s not that I’m against a blended holiday but the way he told me was pretty shitty and I’m not sure I want to pay 7.5k for a awkward holiday plus spending holiday and that like he’s going anyway and it seemed like it doesn’t matter how I feel .

So I told him how I felt and that we should of discussed it rather than just telling me what we are doing , and he should at least understand it would be not easy and I’m not sure I would actually be comfortable continuing in a relationship where I was just dismissed he said no it’s perfectly normal to have holidays like this and I’m the only one making it an issue . For context I said my ex has Invited us and the kids to France where he lives and my boyfriend has said no that’s it’s completely different anyway after about 30 mins I worked things out in my head and said if I can afford to go then I will come along and be civil for the kids and he offered to pay for one of my children so I thought ok that’s sorted

This morning he woke up and he isn’t talking to me He told me i’m a control freak and i think I’m the world ruler

I feel like my feelings are justified

Am I in the wrong ?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 24/10/2022 18:30

£7.5k?! For one person?

He is controlling. How dare he dictate where you go on holiday, who with and how much it will cost you.

That doesn't sound like a loving relationship. I'd be reconsidering him being my boyfriend.

overthehill7 · 25/10/2022 07:05

Razu45 · 24/10/2022 17:26

Op

why the heck don’t you you the £7.5k to treat your children rather than tag along on your boyfriend of 3 years holiday with his ex and kids.

pretty sure your children would prefer a separate holiday than what is bound to be a shit show

Love this!!

Rainbowqueeen · 25/10/2022 07:11

Don’t go OP. You are in no way in the wrong.

I suspect that you will get there and find that his family have paid for his ex to go (which is their right) and that will make you feel worse.

Id also reconsider the relationship. It’s great that you are no longer accepting physical abuse in your relationships but you should also start looking for someone who speaks to you in a healthy non- abusive way. Freedom program is a great shout

WhaaWhaa · 25/10/2022 07:30

Why would anyone what to go on holiday with their boyfriends family? Even if the boyfriend isn't a dick this sounds like a terrible holiday!

We went all inclusive to the Caribbean in august, three adults and an older teenager for £5000.

So no, I wouldn't be paying £7500 to go on holiday with my boyfriend's family.

Original poster
Neurodiversemum · 25/10/2022 11:31

It's £2700 per person to america and i have 2 kids one has autism and the other adhd so like i don't have alot of money.

i

OP posts:
Original poster
Neurodiversemum · 25/10/2022 11:32

thank you i will take a look :)

OP posts:
Mynoodlesareoodles · 25/10/2022 11:38

Your partner is a Grade A shit bag, even if he is less shitty than your even shittier exes. Very pleased that you don't live with him. Why would you consider spending thousands and thousands of pounds on something you don't want to do to please someone who has no consideration for you? Why are you in a relationship with someone so horrible?

Original poster
Neurodiversemum · 25/10/2022 11:38

Thank you for all the replies I am going to tell him i don't want to go it would take me about 5 years to save that money , and then i will have to see how he reacts.

I think i'm going to have a conversation with his mum also i don't really know her but i will try and speak to her about how it puts me in a situation.

The thing about autism it's very hard to read peoples intentions and between the lines the fact everyone here seems to be on the same page is showing me that i am not being controlling so thank you for your advice i really appreciate it

OP posts:
SequinsandStilettos · 25/10/2022 11:45

I could not find £400 a month for the next 18 to fund this but nor would I want to. Tell him no. Spend the time he is away with your kids in France.
If he objects to that, tough tits.
But - and I know it's an ongoing joke on here that MN always say - I would be rethinking the relationship, based on the petty, sulky, disrespectful attitude. He is projecting accusing you of control freakery - he is the one being a control freak.

Razu45 · 25/10/2022 15:00

Neurodiversemum · 25/10/2022 11:38

Thank you for all the replies I am going to tell him i don't want to go it would take me about 5 years to save that money , and then i will have to see how he reacts.

I think i'm going to have a conversation with his mum also i don't really know her but i will try and speak to her about how it puts me in a situation.

The thing about autism it's very hard to read peoples intentions and between the lines the fact everyone here seems to be on the same page is showing me that i am not being controlling so thank you for your advice i really appreciate it

Ok so you are on presumably quite a low income.

at a time when there is a cost of living crisis
and you have dependent children on you

op - every penny spare should be spent on your children (and you!) and their security and stability.

Not extortionate holidays with strangers and a boyfriend who doesn’t seem all that pleasant

Razu45 · 25/10/2022 15:02

Neurodiversemum · 25/10/2022 11:38

Thank you for all the replies I am going to tell him i don't want to go it would take me about 5 years to save that money , and then i will have to see how he reacts.

I think i'm going to have a conversation with his mum also i don't really know her but i will try and speak to her about how it puts me in a situation.

The thing about autism it's very hard to read peoples intentions and between the lines the fact everyone here seems to be on the same page is showing me that i am not being controlling so thank you for your advice i really appreciate it

Your autism makes you particularly vulnerable op

and as a single mother (I am), you can’t afford to be vulnerable

perhaps this is an opportunity for you to evaluate whether you want to be with him

RewildingAmbridge · 25/10/2022 15:07

You just say to his mum, thank you every so much for the invitation, it was lovely of you to think of us, unfortunately we won't be able to come but I hope you have a wonderful trip and birthday.
I understand why he wants to go it's his mum, it's her birthday.
I even understand why the ex is going she's clearly part of their family as mother to the grandchildren.
What's not ok is him demanding you go and pay for it, and then kicking up a fuss and saying you are not to take the children to see their father in France.
You don't need his permission to do anything. Don't go on the holiday, do take your children to visit their father (although you say all exes have been abusive if that includes him, you don't have to do that either he can come to the UK and take them on holiday). Do get rid of the arsehole boyfriend.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 25/10/2022 15:18

Fuck that OP, no way would I be going, or even staying in the relationship in your situation.

However, it’s not your place to talk to MIL and tell her it puts you in a situation. That is not her problem. She’s perfectly entitled to invite her family on holiday to celebrate her birthday, and to include the mother of her grandchildren as family. Obviously she wants her own son to go too, so it’s disingenuous of you to say that you don’t see why he has to go. The whole of the rest of his family including his children will be there, of course he should go!

Its nice that you have been included and invited, but all you get to do is accept or decline. You shouldn’t start trying to change the plans or make people feel guilty because it doesn’t work for you.

TheVikingGirl · 25/10/2022 15:21

Swerve him! What a twat! You can do better! Xx

SandyY2K · 27/10/2022 00:51

Be sounds horrible tbh.
I wouldn't spend that much on this kind of holiday...it's crazy.

iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 00:58

I understand that the mum wants her grandchildren with her to celebrate her birthday-why wouldn't your DP just take his own children, I don't understand the need for his ex to go too. The fact his family think it's ok is a worry too!

BaconCabbage · 30/10/2022 11:28

7.5k! For this!

What!

images.app.goo.gl/gLG1DUs8dni2RFHk9

Workawayxx · 30/10/2022 11:39

You’re definitely not being controlling! Why is it one rule for you and another for him?! He is the one being controlling.

I wouldn’t go even if someone paid me £7.5k!

Thelifeofawife · 30/10/2022 12:05

No way OP. Why on earth has his mum invited his ex?! It doesn’t matter that she was part of the family for so long, the fact is she “was” and you “are”. You have been together 3 years not 3 months.
If my mum invited my ex on a family holiday without discussing it with me first I’d be furious. (This would never happen BTW, despite how much my family like my ex)

Your boyfriend clearly knows what a tw*t he’s being. Tell him be can pay for all of you or you’re not going, but still save the money and then take your DC somewhere they would actually enjoy

Mari9999 · 30/10/2022 16:19

The mom has the right to invite anyone that wants to her birthday celebration. It is not about anyone of her children or their partners past or present. It is the mom's birthday .
Any invited guest is free to accept or decline the invitation. OP if you cannot afford or would be uncomfortable at the event, you should graciously decline. Your partner cannot insist that you attend. He should be free to attend his mother's birthday, but he does not get to dictate your finances nor your travel destinations. You on the otherhand do not get to dictate his mother's guest list.

The 2 of you can discuss but do not have the right to dictate . If certain behaviors make you uncomfortable or unhappy , you get to decide if you want to remain in the relationship.

EvieJeanBengal · 31/10/2022 09:17

Why are you with this verbally abusive AH? Why are you exposing your kids to this abusive AH? Get rid of him and do better by your kids. You are teaching them that it’s normal to be abused and put down in a relationship. Do you really want them modelling their future relationships on this?

Coyoacan · 31/03/2023 05:02

I'm all for getting on with the ex. I had a lovely relationship with my PILs long after I separated from my ex and would be invited to parties, etc.

But one thing is an afternoon and another thing entirely is a holiday. I don't think you would enjoy that at all.

Number24Bus · 31/03/2023 05:11

OP, please don't go on this holiday. It's far too much to spend on any holiday (unless you're really rich), let alone one with your in laws and your partner's ex that you'd have to spend years saving for. Say no to him, and if he can't accept your decision then he is not a good person.

Ragwort · 31/03/2023 05:17

Please get some help, you are being controlled and abused by this man and it is very sad that you can't see it.

No loving partner would expect someone to 'save for years' to afford a holiday with their extended family. It sounds as though you are on a low income with no savings so why would you put all this money into a 'holiday'. Surely you would rather have savings than just spend money on what sounds like a pretty awful experience anyway.

This is a toxic relationship...at the very least for the sake of your DC you need to end it.

BetsyTrotter · 31/03/2023 05:43

Looks like someone in his family has decided that DM deserves this big birthday treat and he is now obliged to go along with it and appear enthusiastic - I would guess that is part of the problem - he is probably annoyed about that as it is a lot of money. Say you can't afford it and don't mention the holiday with your ex for the time being.