AIBU? (Stepmum edition) To go to the office during half term

[lentilly]

I work a mix of WFH and in the office and so does my DH we arrange it so we aren't both WFH at the same time as we had enough of that in lockdown. It has just come to light that he assumed I would be doing my usual days during half term but I was planning on going into the office more! I didn't want to be in a house with the noisy DSC. Anyway aparantly this is not being a team player as means he can't go into the office..hang on a minute who did he think would be around when the kids where here and he wasn't...that's right me..

AIBU (stepmum edition) to say no I'm going into the office everyday they are here.

If you're working, then surely you won't have time to be running after SDC anyway? If they're old enough to be in the house by themselves, I'm struggling to see what your presence adds if you're just going to be ignoring them or shouting at them to shut up on your wfh days.

Hmm I guess I sort of see this but personally I would have checked if I was hoping to leave my kids in someone's care

The oldest is old enough when on their own. They get silly together and I don't really want to spent my working days asking them nicely to shut up.

Point him in the direction of a babysitting agency or holiday clubs. If they're not old enough to see to themselves when left alone, I can't think your employer would look kindly on you providing childcare while trying to do your job in a non-emergency situation.

Good point @lentilly@lentilly
Wfh is working not childcare. If his argument is that they are old enough to not to need looking after then he should be fine for them to be home alone. If not then they clearly need some kind of care.

As a bio mum (still married to bio dad, just for clarity), not only am I not doing my normal WFH days on midterm, but I am actually decamping to a family house to escape it altogether. Including paying for 2 days in a remote working big hub as there's no broadband/phone line in said house. As I cannot face it with (mid teen) Dd.

So I have absolute sympathy for any SPs considering similar.

But even that being the case, it doesn't mean she can look after children? She is supposed to be working. I definitely cannot work from home AND look after children. So, regardless of whether I was or wasnt home - I'm still not available for childcare.

Sorry - my above was supposed to be a reply to this. Settling toddlers in the dark while mumsnetting don't always mix! 😅

You just sound sensible. Obviously it makes sense to plan for the house being busier and doing what you need to

Wait a minute, so he recognises that he can’t work with them in the house but expects you to do so? Or is he expecting you to take leave to meet his childcare obligations?

He’s organised holiday contact and taken some annual leave on the assumption that it’s your responsibility to sort it out on the days he couldn’t be bothered to?

You’ll get a million people who seem to think marrying him was signing up as nanny/housekeeper without consultation but that’s not fair. If he’s making arrangements with his ex, he needs to be sure he can fulfil them. At the very minimum that means asking you if you would be happy to help him out. But you’re under no obligation to organise your work to suit his childcare preferences.

He’s being arse on three counts:

1. Not taking the whole week off
2. Assuming that you’d be happy to parent his children at home while you’re working.
3. Now (instead of apologising for being an arse and fixing it himself) expecting you to not go into the office for extra days so you can parent while working.

That’s pretty impressive. Is he always like this?

I don't think he's unreasonable to assume you'd be there on your usual days. You haven't said how old they are. Do they actually need looking after or do they just need someone to be around?

Personally I would do it unless it were going to seriously inconvenience me. We are a family and we help each other out. However after some of the threads I've seen here this week the replies don't surprise me. There's an awful lot of 'not my dc not my responsibility' attitude.

He's not willing to try to wfh and look after them at the same time but expects you to? Tell him to swap his days round so he wfh with the kids and use annual leave to take them out when he is meant to be in the office. There, you've solved the problem for him.

The offensive bit is that he's unwilling to wfh with the kids around himself, but expects you to be happy to do this. He needs to give his head a wobble - either it's perfectly possible and he can do it easily himself or he needs to arrange childcare.

If he was asking you (as a massive favour) to wfh one or two days with the kids while he also did the same, I'd have a bit more sympathy - not a lot, but a bit more.

He's doing things with them on the days he would be WFH which I think is fair enough. Its only fair to take them out places during half term.

I’m a step mum and I wasn’t up for childcare much either although I did enjoy the company of the SCs.

he’s taking the piss as you recognise so the question is has he rectified the situation now you have this pointed out?

the error was perhaps saying they could stay the full week when you both work. Even if the journey between him and their mum is long they will do it whether they say with you for three days or seven surely?

Even if op was doing the usual pattern though, she would be working. She would not be available for childcare.

How old are they?

Nope. I try and go into the office in the DSC are here in the school holidays. It's fairer on everyone to be honest, I have a lot of meetings and it's not reasonable to expect them to tip toe around me all day as the kitchen is my "office" at home.

I understand “team player” in emergencies, but aside from that “you’re a team” is usually bandied around either by people whose partners don’t take the piss so it seems logical to want to help out, or there’s no equivalence in their partner’s circumstances which would mean they’d be called upon to reciprocate so they can proclaim all they like that they’d help whilst never actually facing the reality of needing to (e.g only one partner has DC therefore it’s unlikely a roughly equivalent favour would ever be needed).

Neither of these seems to be the case for OP. I know it all seems a bit transactional but no more so than someone wanting the housework/mental load split fairly.

YANBU!
So much presumption. How often does this happen the other way around? - Woman doesn’t even mention to her husband that she’s assuming he’ll supervise her two children while he works from home and she goes into the office, despite no pattern of that ever happening previously. Christ! Most people wouldn’t assume that if they were shared children, there would a conversation about half-term and how they’d cover it.
Same old shit about women being default care.

So refreshing to read a post where the OP doesn’t go down the martyr route.

It sounds like DH is generally a nice bloke but the bar is set very low and his just assuming it would be no problem, without any consultation, is not something you want to reinforce.

I don't think that's an error. They are always welcome here. I think the error was him not booking the whole week off work or wfh some of those days himself and assuming I'd be in the house.

I'm not surprised you're feeling put out Op. He goes to the office so he can concentrate on his work but obviously you can work at home with his DC there. The remark about not being a team player would have annoyed me too, he means he's worked this out nicely for him but you've thrown a spanner in the works. In future I'd make sure you tell him he asks first, not tells you

Anyway he's got the message I'm going into the office and he's just going to have to sort something with work. Ive told him next time he needs to check with me. We both work, neither of our incomes or careers is more important than the other.

The remark about not being a team player would have annoyed me too, he means he's worked this out nicely for him but you've thrown a spanner in the works.

Exactly. He’s not coming out of this in a good light, at all.