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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSS looking at DD changing - what to do?

42 replies

MoominStepMomma · 16/10/2022 21:37

DD11 has told me she saw DSS12 looking through her bedroom door at her whilst she was getting dressed. She said she pushed the door to but he continued to stand there and look through gap in door… Understandably this has upset DD. I’ve told her she is within her rights to have a go at him if it happens again. We’ve told DP about what has happened but not sure how to approach it with DSS. He has ASD if that is relevant but high functioning. Has anyone been through similar and have any suggestions?

OP posts:
Motnight · 16/10/2022 21:41

Put your dd's safely and privacy first.

Lock for her door.

This can not happen again. She has to feel, and be, safe in her own home.

Hopefully you will get good advice re your dss on here.

PinkSyCo · 16/10/2022 21:43

It is up to you and her father to protect your DD. Just tell your DSS to keep away from her room in future.

dementedpixie · 16/10/2022 21:43

Tell her to shut the door properly if she's getting changed

Motnight · 16/10/2022 21:44

dementedpixie · 16/10/2022 21:43

Tell her to shut the door properly if she's getting changed

Victim blaming so early on in the thread!

Original poster
MoominStepMomma · 16/10/2022 21:44

Thank you for your quick response. I did think that too about the lock. Will see if can get that sorted soon for her. He hasn’t displayed any other of these type of behaviours before (I spoke to DD about it) but he needs to know how completely inappropriate and not OK this is. Do I just let DP speak to him? It’s so awkward.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 16/10/2022 21:46

It's not victim blaming to tell her to shut the door. My kids do it automatically so they have privacy

ForensicFlossy · 16/10/2022 21:47

Motnight · 16/10/2022 21:44

Victim blaming so early on in the thread!

Show quote history

This is common sense not victim blaming. A conversation also needs to be had with the dss but shutting the door is an obvious answer

dementedpixie · 16/10/2022 21:48

And of course tell dss it's not appropriate to stand and stare too.

Original poster
MoominStepMomma · 16/10/2022 21:49

In all fairness not DD fault as we are in new house and her door is dodgy and doesn’t fully shut. Not hot round to sorting it yet but will do now. Crap it’s had to happen due to this though.

OP posts:
Prinnny · 16/10/2022 21:49

It’s not awkward you protect your daughter his behaviour is inappropriate and he does not repeat it!

PinkFrogss · 16/10/2022 21:49

DSS needs a talking to and age 11 and 12 it seems a good time to set some firm expectations around bedrooms. Doors closed when you are changing or don’t want someone to come in, everyone must knock and be invited in, unless they have a reason to believe it is an emergency.

Ohwellwhateverthen · 16/10/2022 21:50

He needs to be told it is not acceptable. If his social understanding isn't quite at the level of his peers then it is absolutely vital that he is given firm, unmistakable guidance on what is and isn't appropriate, because if this sort of thing continues outside the home he'll get in a lot of trouble.

Give him the benefit of the doubt but make yourself very clear. This is not acceptable.

Prinnny · 16/10/2022 21:50

He needs telling and telling firmly, immediately.

liveforsummer · 16/10/2022 21:51

Yes of course you just let dh speak to him, I don't Understand why that hasn't happened straight away? He's autistic and perhaps doesn't understand social norms despite being high functioning so his dad needs to spell that out to him at the same time giving dd tools to keep herself safe like advising she closes the door and providing her with a lock if it makes her feel better

OkPedro · 16/10/2022 21:51

All of us should be entitled to undress with a door open or not without someone standing staring! How ridiculous to suggest the problem is the girl not closing her door 🙄

ancientgran · 16/10/2022 21:52

MoominStepMomma · 16/10/2022 21:49

In all fairness not DD fault as we are in new house and her door is dodgy and doesn’t fully shut. Not hot round to sorting it yet but will do now. Crap it’s had to happen due to this though.

Well sorting the door out has to be a priority. Everyone should have a door that closes properly.

Original poster
MoominStepMomma · 16/10/2022 21:52

Yes fully agree @Ohwellwhateverthen . When I say it’s awkward I mean with how we deal with who speaks to do him about it. Issues with DSS can cause tension between me and DP because ultimately I will always put DD first.

OP posts:
Inheritanceconfusion · 16/10/2022 21:53

I’m afraid you’re sounding a bit dithery about this. Your DD isn’t safe to undress in her own home and you’ll ‘see if you can get a lock sorted for her soon’ and you’re wondering if maybe DP should speak to him?

get her a lock.

read the riot act to the kid.

Original poster
MoominStepMomma · 16/10/2022 21:55

@liveforsummer not spoken to him yet because he doesn’t live with us and DD told me after he’d gone home.

OP posts:
Ohwellwhateverthen · 16/10/2022 21:56

His father needs to speak to him. Very clearly, pushing through the awkwardness. No hints, no innuendo, just plain talking.

It is completely normal to be curious. His body is changing. He'll get erections and feel lust. All of that is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to everyone. He's not weird or wrong or dirty. That part needs to come first.

Next - privacy and consent. He does not have the right to anyone else's body, physically, visually, etc etc etc. Consent is not just about touching. Everyone deserves privacy, and that is absolute. Violating other people's privacy is utterly unacceptable and must not happen ever, whether you're at home, at school, at the swimming pool, in town, etc.

Pallisers · 16/10/2022 21:57

In the short term get a lock on her door and tell her she should yell at dss if he is peering in at her and call you for help.

But this is a bigger issue. your DH MUST have a serious conversation with his son about this. Does he really want his son to think this is ok? where will that end?

part of parenting is having the hard conversations and enforcing rules and boundaries. If your dh doesn't want to do this because it is awkward and hard, then he is being a crap parent to his son.

And because your daughter is affected, if your dh refuses to step up and do the right thing, then I think you, as the mother of the girl being spied on, should do it. honestly you'll be doing that boy a favour as well as protecting your daughter.

Spotlite · 16/10/2022 22:04

This is a very similar situation, including the ‘voyeur’ being autistic, to a thread from last week. Reading it may help.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4652283-where-to-get-support-for-autistic-dsd-interest-in-attractive-stepmother

Season0fTheWitch · 16/10/2022 22:04

I'm assuming it stems from curiosity- he's not done anything that would be of concern sexually. Has he been educated about male and female bodies? I'd approach it by asking him why he was looking, if he has questions etc. And explain consent, morals, etc to him regarding viewing other's bodies. And make sure he knows why your DD was upset and why it must not happen again.

Lilithslove · 16/10/2022 22:27

Is just me or has there been a few threads about Peeping Tom step sons peering through gaps in doors recently?

Spotlite · 16/10/2022 22:40

Not just you Lilith, see my post two above yours.

Both step-children, both autistic, both similar ages (12 & 13), both peeping at a female.