DSS looking at DD changing - what to do?

[MoominStepMomma]

DD11 has told me she saw DSS12 looking through her bedroom door at her whilst she was getting dressed. She said she pushed the door to but he continued to stand there and look through gap in door… Understandably this has upset DD. I’ve told her she is within her rights to have a go at him if it happens again. We’ve told DP about what has happened but not sure how to approach it with DSS. He has ASD if that is relevant but high functioning. Has anyone been through similar and have any suggestions?

Aad high functioning is an excuse. Nip it in the bud before something happens at school

*asd

I had this issue as a teen. 17, Dad moved his new girlfriend in (of 3 months…) and her 15YO son. Me and my Dad had lived alone for about 6 years at this point, after I’d been removed from my mother/step fathers chaotic home.

He thought he could just walk into my bedroom whenever he wanted, despite my Dad being very firm about bedrooms being a place where you knock and wait for a response before even touching the door handle.

It should be noted that the bathroom was downstairs so he was watching me leave the bathroom in my robe and following me upstairs.

He was bollocked. He did it a second time. He was bollocked. The third time he tried, I’d shoved my chair under the handle. He started kicking the door to get in, I was screeching at him and my Dad had just got home from work during this.

He came upstairs, lost his shit, phoned his girlfriend and told her she needed to leave work, pick her son up and they both needed to stay at her house (luckily, it hadn’t been sold yet).

A bolt and chain was installed on my door, but I only ever showered when my Dad was in the house after that, or went to my Uncles.

Didn’t stop him though. The fourth time (although I’m sure he’d done this multiple times, this just happened to be the time I saw him) I caught him looking at me was through my bedroom window - it backed onto the neighbours garden (weird layout outside, very elderly neighbour who didn’t use the garden, I had one of those vertical slatted office blinds) and he was stood there, staring up at me.

Unfortunately she’d sold her house by then (6 months…) I no longer felt safe in my own home, my Dad refused to make them leave and I ended up moving in with my Uncle whilst I finished my A Levels, my relationship with my Dad 20 years on is still very, very strained.

You don't leave it to her to deal with him. This needs nipping in the bud immediately with him by his father, driving home in no uncertain terms that we don't peep. At home, at the pool, anywhere. That privacy is important and consent is crucial. From you she needs support not awkwardness, and a door that closes with a lock that works. Back her up.

Thank you for all your responses , really appreciated.@WhatsAVideo I’m so sorry to read of your experience that sounds horrendous.
I am totally taking this seriously and have already told DD I am here for her and promised her it would be dealt with. If it was down to me I would have gone batshit (maybe not most productive thing to do) ar him and made sure his mum was aware too. When I mentioned awkwardness I only meant between myself and DP, as in, it’s not something we can sort jointly but that I have to rely on him for and stress the seriousness of without defaming his sons character completely and causing problems between me and DP.

You and your DH can speak to him at the same time. It is not acceptable. There is no excuse. Tell him it's not on to perv and if he does it again he'll have to meet his dad away from the house.

When I mentioned awkwardness I only meant between myself and DP, as in, it’s not something we can sort jointly but that I have to rely on him for and stress the seriousness of without defaming his sons character completely and causing problems between me and DP. it shouldn't cause any awkwardness between you. DP should want to put a stop to this too.

Going batshit and informing his mum is the right response imo. I can’t imagine how your daughter is feeling after being perved on by her mums boyfriends son and nothings really been done about it. I have dealt with it there and then in a way that it wouldn’t even cross his mind to dare do that again!

This is so clear-cut that it's not ok that it is in everyone's best interests to be clear about it.

It's easy to make a bigger deal of this than it is. Of course we know this is 100% unacceptable behaviour but it is most likely that it hasn't occurred to DSS that this behaviour is wrong. In this first instance he just needs to be told by the adults who care for him (of which you are one) calmly but firmly and without any drama that it isn't ok to stare at girls or to watch them changing.

If he does it again then a more serious sit-down conversation is needed.

And ensure that your DD's door closes easily so that she has some control over the situation too.

Did your DP not want to go and see/speak to his son as soon as he found out? Sitting on it until DSS comes back to yours is not enough. And I do think his mother needs to know, too.

He needs to be reminded of acceptable behaviour and not to stare into her room, in an instructive way rather than accusative.

You need to prioritise ensuring her door can close properly

Could you maybe sit down with both and explain how it's important for everyone to respect each other's privacy and it's not appropriate to be watching each other getting changed etc. That way your dd also knows what's been said and might be less awkward than having the conversation with just one especially if he didn't know what he was doing was wrong ( depending on his asd)

Your daughter needs to be safe, feel safe and know you will do everything you can to protect her. Surely all the adults involved need to speak strongly to DSS, setting out how wrong it was and that it must never happen again, as well as consequences if it does. Ask your daughter if she wants a lock on her door and if she does install it immediately. Sit down with her and ask her if there is anything else she needs or is concerned by.

DSS needs to be spoken to obviously and it needs explaining in a very black and white way, your DP could look for a social story of those are something that is used to help him or even speak to the school senco/someone from NAS if you need advice on how to approach it.

Surely you DP wants to get this behaviour nipped in the bud too? Nobody wants their child to grow up to be a peeping Tom! And the only way to stop that is to make sure DS is told clearly and firmly that the behaviour is unacceptable and to make sure his mum knows too.

A door that shuts should already have been a priority for DD. A child her age needs and deserves privacy when changing, even from you. A closed bedroom door is a social convention which tells everyone that the person inside wants privacy. A door which closes is necessary so everyone in the house can understand and learn such a simple rule.

we didn’t find out about it until late afternoon then my DP starts early at work and does long days so he literally hasn’t had chance to speak to him yet (plus SS is at school). I agree I don’t think we should wait until next time we see him which will be at least 2 weeks due to half term. I’ve spoken to my DD at length about it and told her she can basically tell him to F off if it happens again or if anyone was to do similar. We also discussed if anything like that were to happen again we would swap their weekends so she didn’t need to be around him. Trust me I’m taking this seriously and I hope my DP will too.

Tbh if that's an option and she wants to I'd swap their weekends now. Poor girl.