Where to get support for autistic DSD interest in attractive stepmother

[maartjebaabes]

Hi, I’m looking for a pointer as to where we could go for advice here, rathe than any direct advice.

DD has (inter alia) one quite autistic DSD, 13 yo.

DD is somewhat younger than birth parents and is though I say so myself) very attractive and glamorous. DSD is already larger and stronger and stays some weekends with them.

Recently, DSD has shown a more ’grown up’ interest in her. Including making excuses (eg I’m going on playstation) and peeking on her in the bath etc. I’m sure those with teenage boys need no more elaboration.

As well as this being a concern on its own, it could become a lot worse. DD has a job where DBS is required.

Birth mother doesn’t have much track record of engaging constructively and has a track record of making accusations of a sexual nature which turn out to be malicious and unfounded.

DD and her DH want the best way of addressing this behavior in the autistic context.

What charities / support groups / professionals etc would you suggest they go to?

I've read this twice and I still don't understand what's going on.

What?

Quite autistic?

What on earth are you talking about?

Your daughter had an autistic step sone who is spying on her in the bath? Whose birth parents are you talking about?

Sorry, What?

OPs daughter is married. As a result of the marriage she has a step daughter who is autistic. Step daughter has recently been making OPs daughter feel uncomfortable by doing things like peeking in on her in the bath. OP thinks this interest could be due to her daughter being younger and more glam (potentially closer to age in step daughter).

they want advice on where they can get support with this, specific to the stepdaughters autism. The stepdaughters mother is not a great co-parent, so that’s a no go.

stepdaughters mother has previously made unfounded allegations, adding another layer of concern to the situation.

No idea on the support element but I didn’t find it that hard to understand

Are you saying that you daughter is concerned that her step son is showing signs that he will act sexually towards her one day, and that his birth mother may also make an unfounded and malicious accusation that your daughter is encouraging that behaviour - which obviously would mean her job was at risk?

This is a really tricky one if so. Perhaps there are autism charities that have experience of it, but in the meantime, I would think the step son's dad needs to talk about it with his ex - I don't actually think it's your daughter's responsibility

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/sex-education/parents-and-carers

It can be difficult reconciling sexual feelings within any teenager, let alone autistic teens who need a little more guidance

I hope you can get support through this but as a first you absolutely must impose a strict privacy policy, locking bathroom doors is a basic to protect everyone from invasion of privacy and from straying into unwanted territory

Have you tried closing the bathroom door? :s

You say DSD - is this her step daughter?

Autistic teens can sometimes show an interest that borders on inappropriate, but maybe it’s out of curiosity coupled with lack of social awareness.

As well as making sure she has locks on the bathroom and bedroom door to rule out having her privacy invaded, I’d also suggest a book by Sarah Attwood called Making Sense of Sex (it’s a very blunt book aimed at autistic teens about puberty and any feelings that might arise).

If there is a diagnosis in place there may be a course available through autism outreach (or whatever it’s called in the area) about autism and puberty. This is usually through a mainstream school in the area which specialises in autism and sends teachers to support other schools and autistic pupils.

I think OP has a young attractive, glamorous daughter. The daughter married an older male who has a 13 year old autistic step son. Step son is showing a sexual interest towards op’s daughter. I am unsure why the mother of son is making malicious accusations about what and who though

It sounds like the DSD needs someone to do some Social Stories (I think they are called) about behaviours in relationships. I came across them many years ago so my memory is a bit vague but they comprised some cartoon type drawings of people standing too close or staring or touching. The idea is they are used as a basis for discussion with the young person about appropriate behaviour without necessarily referring to a specific situation . Is there someone involved in DSDs education who could be approached?

It is of course important to establish privacy boundaries in any family and it is up yo your dd to do that. Locking the bathroom door is an obvious example.
The references to your dd being younger and more attractive are a bit odd. It is more likely that her dsd is exploring her curiosity about the human body and her own development in a not very appropriate way. Your dd and her dh need to be clear and consistent in what they don't want. And at the same time open up to conversations about puberty etc.

Seems legit...

Is it a step son or daughter? Very hard to follow.

Regardless, sounds like the young person needs some support to understand personal space, relationships, sex etc. there is information in the national autistic society website. There are also books available that help to explain growing up etc you autistic young people.

It's a bit confusing because the OP is written as if it's a male step child but the abbreviation used implies it is a female one.

I can't work out whether the OP is concerned that there is a step son who could be sexually attracted to the step mum, and could potentially assault her in the future (reference to being bigger and stronger), or whether there is a step daughter who seems infatuated because the step mum is glamorous and therefore looks up to her.

Either way, a chat about boundaries in the home is needed. Direct, calm, not assuming that the yp knows the boundaries and is deliberately breaking them. A simple set of rules e.g. 'if x is having a bath, don't go in/near the bathroom.'

Additionally, the step Mum needs to think about only taking baths if there is another adult present.

Why are posters not seeing "DSD" in the OP's post and following posts? They seem to be skipping over this in a rush to tell the OP off.

Tell your daughter to shut the door. It's a very confusing time being a teen and discovering you're attracted to the same sex can add more confusion. But main advice is for Daughter to shut the doors and ask Dad to have a word.

Additionally, the step Mum needs to think about only taking baths if there is another adult present. good idea

I imagine your Son in law, as the parent of an autistic child, knows professionals and organisations he could ask?

Otherwise, Google.

Firstly I highly recommend locks, solves that particular problem. The more general inappropriate behaviour needs to be addressed by both birth parents, if op believes there's a safeguarding risk and they don't address it she needs to take it further. I suspect though it's more teenage curiosity

Get a lock for the bathroom and bedroom door.

The dad should look at his DD's search history- is she watching porn?

Sorry what?? Your post is very confusing to read, I have no clue as to what you are talking about?