Normal to pretend you don't exist?

[Blendiful]

This is a DP thing, not DSC.

DPs ex knows we live together and DSC come to our house. But it's like he pretends I don't exist to her and I find it very odd.

If he picks/drops DSC off I can never be in the car, because it would upset her :/ I don't mean going for no reason. But if we have been or are going somewhere with DSC he will make the extra journey to collect and then come back for me purposely to avoid me being there.

I mean it's a none issue really but it is stupid and personally I find it a bit offensive. Like it's ok to get me to do stuff for your child, but we must also pretend I do not exist. It's a bit hurtful. I would never do this and don't, and we don't do it in relation to the other DSC (different mum) either just the one.

Is it something I should just be like 'meh' and let him get on with it? I have raised it and explained I find it very disrespectful but he won't change it.

This sounds just like my ex-h but the other way round. He had a child from a previous relationship and I would go and collect ex-dc with him whenever we were travelling back/to somewhere, I know that his now DP also collects my ex-dc as she is often doing this when he collects our DC.

When it comes to our DC it is a completely different story. He point blank will go out of his way to drop his DP home before collecting the DC despite me saying on numerous occasions that I have no problem with her being present. He has never really given a reason why he chooses to make these extra journeys to make sure she isn't present and none of us are the sort to kick off so I find it a bit baffling.

Maybe more common than I think then. I don't have an issue or want to go out my way to go. But when it's obvious it's done specifically to avoid I just wonder what's being achieved?

She knows where he lives and who with. Is this a ridiculous set up for the next 10+ years. I just cba with the additional drama tbh. Seems very petty and to me, actually rude.

But didn't know if I WBU to feel like this.

I wouldn't be pandering to this shit to be honest. I mean, does she think so much of herself that she thinks you are dying to see her at every opportunity? She's needs to get over herself, nobody has the spare money for all these extra journeys just in case a grown woman has a tantrum.

It doesn't say anywhere that this is at the ex's insistence.

As poster below says. I don't think it's her. It's DP and his warped view on it.

I think she may not like it, but she would get over it pretty quickly. She knows I am around and help look after DSC etc. which is why I find the whole thing weird.

I'm annoyed at DP about it, not her. As personally I think it's rude to expect me to help with DSC but then try and pretend I don't exist. I would never do that as I would feel I was being disrespectful to what he contributes if I did. And I find I purposely do less for DSC for this reason, as I don't see why I should put myself out to do something to be made to feel like shit in the process.

@glamourousindierockandroll
I mean she may have said to him at some point not to bring me, I don't know. As he wouldn't tell me if she had.

But I think if she did it would have been a long time ago, if it ever happened.

This is not a new relationship, it's years in.

My exes now wife would insist on coming with him every time he dropped my DC off. She would sit glowering in the car. And when I needed to use the loo after I had been delayed on the motorway dropping him off to their house, I was not allowed in. They have been together 20 odd years now, and it is still the same. She has never spoken to me, used to send horrible text messages from the exes phone (her writing style and spelling/grammar was significantly better than his!) and I have no idea why. However, she has always accepted (if not gone out of her way to be particularly pleasant) towards my DC and that makes the rest of it better, I guess.

I get this and certainly don't want to do this. Normally 99% of the time I wouldn't be there for any of the drop offs/pick ups, same as other DSC and my own DC. But this is more it's a deliberate act to keep me away from it. Which makes me feel like either I'm being kept in the dark about something, or something has been said about me perhaps. And that makes me uncomfortable.

If DP is happy to keep me in the dark and pretend for all intents and purposes in person to ex that I don't exist. Then I feel like he shouldn't be able to use me when it suits to do things he doesn't want to or can't be bothered to do (cook dinner, wash clothes, look after if he has to go out with other DC, but birthday gifts, make a cake etc) but then push me aside like I don't exist when it suits him. That's how I see it, and have said as much. He's not interested in listening to that. So on that basis I think, do all of your own stuff I mentioned above then, and I'll do the minimum seeing as my contribution clearly matters so little. But maybe I am being a bit harsh thinking that, I don't know.

What I know is my ex doesn't like my DP much either, but I have always had his back in those situations as I know he contributes to my DC and think we shouldn't pretend to ex he doesn't because he'd rather it was that way.

I don't want to get involved in parenting or decisions that's up to them. All I am asking is not to be purposely hidden away like something to be embarrassed of. ONLY on occasions when it is unnatural to do so I.e. we are going somewhere all together.

@Blendiful that's very true. I just objected to the assumption that she was the one to blame from the PP, and the saying she needed to "get over herself" when she might not care whether you're there or not.

Yeah I would object too, and even if she does object it's still a DP issue. As I feel he should be saying, she helps with our DSC, we can't pretend she doesn't exist, she is part of our life and something you have to get used it.

He's always been like this where this ex is concerned. Overly cautious and it makes me wonder what's being kept from me. Or it's like he's scared or something.

It's ridiculous if its coming from your DP.

I'm 90% sure it's coming from him.

I've had tantrums from my ex about DP being involved in things, but it's all dealt with and done with now, and everyone is over it.

He feels I shouldn't go in the car there until she has moved on, but this could technically be never, so we have to continue this forever!

So anything that occurrs for DSC where perhaps family would go, birthdays, events, weddings etc (long way off but still) then what happens? I get left behind?

I realise these things are a long way in the future but that's how my mind works, and I just think by that point it would be beyond awkward for me to appear when we've been pretending I'm a ghost for 15 years or so!

He's being ridiculous.

As I feel he should be saying, she helps with our DSC, we can't pretend she doesn't exist, she is part of our life and something you have to get used it

you’re not part of the ex’s life.

The only way I could understand this is if he’s trying to protect you from stress and drama at drop off/pick up. but it doesn’t sound like this is the case?

The one I was referring to is him and his child. Not the ex.

Definitely not, I know who the ex is, not a confrontational person and it's a case of drop and go usually (as far as I can tell as he's never gone long or anything).

It feels like I'm being kept in the dark about something, but I don't know what!

You need to speak to your DP and check she hasn't said anything more recently about you. While your own ex has returned to his civilised self there are a minority of ex and current partners who never do.

If it is the case then in regards to family events - smaller or less important ones you won't be going - while with larger one enough third parties will be aware, so know, to ensure you are kept apart.

Just remember as @Givenuptotally said you are not part of his ex's life.

I have asked and am told no.

And I don't want to be part of her life either, I have no interest in that at all. But I think that this is at the detriment of DSC also. So family can't go to events because his ex may not like it (she may not even care, as I said I think this is coming from DP not her)

Regardless of me not going, DSC has step siblings in my kids one of who he likes very much and spends a lot of time playing with. A party or event for example if DP and his other DC were going I know DSC would like my child to go too, but he likely won't be allowed either!

I am part of DSCs life though. They all seem happy enough for me to provide a house for them to live in. And other practical things like this.

In my opinion it's almost equivalent of your kid saying 'I want you to drive me to school everyday, but I don't want you to go anywhere near school so no one sees you dropping me off' I would have the same principle in saying well, get your shoes on then and you'll be walking. You can't expect people to do favours, our all their time and effort in on one hand, and then toss them and their feelings aside when it suits you. I would never do that to someone else personally I would find it incredibly rude. Perhaps it wouldn't bother other people as much.

>> He feels I shouldn't go in the car there until she has moved on,

This suggests he feels your presence would make her sad/uncomfortable and he wants to minimize her “hurt” by not having her need to see you? He feels like that would be cruelly rubbing it in that he has moved on?

Also suggests he still prioritizes her feelings over yours....ugh. Sounds like neither of them (your DH or the Ex) have really moved on! This aspect of it is alarming.

Yeah I would not do more than minimum,
if people treated me as an intrusion and as a thing that causes hurt.

I presume there’s nothing about DH/Ex’s breakup that would cause her negative feelings about you? Could there be something about their breakup that your DH wasn’t quite honest with you about?

So family can't go to events because his ex may not like it (she may not even care, as I said I think this is coming from DP not her)

The type of events I'm thinking about it is up to your DSC, who will be an adult, who they invite.

Regardless of me not going, DSC has step siblings in my kids one of who he likes very much and spends a lot of time playing with. A party or event for example if DP and his other DC were going I know DSC would like my child to go too, but he likely won't be allowed either!

Again depends on your DSC. I note they are step-siblings not half-siblings so while they may grow up together they won't always be considered family.

It's confusing with my own family as step-siblings have to be specifically and deliberately invited. Otherwise one of us siblings has to check who is invited. (Sometimes not all full and half siblings are invited but step-siblings are due to their demeanor.)

That is my feeling about it too. I mean I do not want to rub it in her face. But this is reality, he has moved on and I exist.

I feel by purposely avoiding me ever being there, is he wanting her to think he hasn't? Or is this not making it worse? Will she be able to move on if she thinks he may not have?

I don't want to go round for a cuppa or go on every journey, I simply don't want to be made to feel like I'm doing something wrong by going to anything to ever do with DSC. I mean DP asks me to go to things, but then does this to make me feel like I shouldn't be going!