Normal to pretend you don't exist?

[Blendiful]

This is a DP thing, not DSC.

DPs ex knows we live together and DSC come to our house. But it's like he pretends I don't exist to her and I find it very odd.

If he picks/drops DSC off I can never be in the car, because it would upset her :/ I don't mean going for no reason. But if we have been or are going somewhere with DSC he will make the extra journey to collect and then come back for me purposely to avoid me being there.

I mean it's a none issue really but it is stupid and personally I find it a bit offensive. Like it's ok to get me to do stuff for your child, but we must also pretend I do not exist. It's a bit hurtful. I would never do this and don't, and we don't do it in relation to the other DSC (different mum) either just the one.

Is it something I should just be like 'meh' and let him get on with it? I have raised it and explained I find it very disrespectful but he won't change it.

Perhaps, I guess we may see about events when they are an adult.

Tbh it would only be DSC that would miss out by this anyway, they are younger and my DC wouldn't be bothered either way, they have their own friends/parties/events as there is a big age gap, but I know DSC would be asking for DC to be there.

The whole thing just seems a ridiculous concept to me overall which is why I asked about it specifically rather than step family logistics as such. Just that it seems very very odd to me, makes me feel im in the dark about something, and just seems completely unnecessary and not helping anyone in the long run.

I guess possibly, could be this I'm being kept in the dark about. But I guess I'll never know!

I have debated about posting this but I'm a big believer in listen to your intuition.

He's treating her separately from the other mother of his other child. There's a reason for it. If she hasn't moved on could something have happened or be happening between them and she's threatened to tell you ?

Are you sure she knows about you. If something seems off there usually is a reason for it. Have you ever spoken to her ?

Bloody arrogant of him to assume she isn’t over him, I assume they split up quite some time ago?!

I’m interested in the whether you think the opposite is true?

I am too re intuition which is why it's bugging me. I have very good intuition, I am usually right. My job requires me to be curios and so I have a good sense for when something is off.

Happening I am pretty sure no, happened, maybe?

I just think something is there that I don't know about or as you say, somethings been threatened maybe. Could be any number of things, but I know there is no genuine reason to behave like this, so something is off for sure.

Years ago, a long time. But she's not moved on and honestly I don't know if she will (in the sense of meeting someone else)

No idea if she's over him or not but that's what his statement implies, he feels she's not. Which IMO makes it even more rude to leave me behind.

I'm sure if I thought my ex wasn't over me and it would bother him to have DP around and so I said, im gonna leave you behind so he's not upset, he'd certainly have something to say about it!

So because she hasn’t got a new relationship, she’s pining for him? Ridiculous way to think, frankly.

I’ve been single for 2.5 years, (my only relationship since splitting up with DCs Dad) between Pandemic, children, working, I haven’t had time to date, even if I wanted to (which I don’t). Doesn’t mean I’m not over my ex, who by comparison, has had 6 girlfriends in the same space of time. I view him as emotionally immature as he’s unable to be alone, he told a mutual friend of our brother that I’m still single because I miss him. <— Not envy.

I bet his ex would be mortified.

@Blendiful so I suppose you then have two questions really to answer.

How curious do you want to get on the topic ? (Remembering the old saying about cat and curiosity)

And if you care if something had happened in the past and would that change anything from your perspective?

I mention this as a good friend of mine keeps sleeping with her ex (father of her kids) and he's been through 2 wife's post her. She would also act totally offended if anyone suggested she was in love with him. Which she totally is btw.
She says she's not the ow as she had him first.. people get territorial over other people.

You have a rather large problem if DH is territorial over her..

I listen to her talking droning on and often think non of the new wives never had a chance because the relationship was always treated as unfinished business. That whole shitstorm has been going on for 10years.

Personally I would risk one of my nine life's to find out. But I'm not someone to let things go.

I'm sorry op I hope I'm wrong !

OP - you need to talk to him and work out what exactly is going on.

its not like you want to have a snog on her doorstep (or even go on bloomin drop offs!) but him specifically dropping you home before going to hers seems odd if she isn’t likely to cause an issue for you and the kids.

Find a time when he is able to talk it through and you’re both feeling calm and try and explore what’s going on here.

I would definitely want to know. And wouldn't stick around if that was the case.

I am pretty sure nothing is going on like that, certainly not now, but at the beginning perhaps it could have been and maybe that's what he's worried about.

I will be trying to find out whatever it is that's causing this issue whatever I discover that's for sure.

I agree I do and have tried to discuss it a few times, and get told he doesn't want to discuss it. He won't explain anything beyond he won't do it until she's moved in cause she would be upset.

And this is only recent, previous osscasions he's tried to pretend it's just a coincidence he needs to collect them first, or drop me back first, as in on purpose rearranged the usual plans that happens every week for months so it's different that day, or conveniently 'left something behind'. And told me I was imagining it. It's only on a recent occasion I've got the above answer because it was impossible to pretend it was all a coincidence this time.

OP I would absolutely be having this out with him. Tell him you want to know why he does this. If it’s because he doesn’t want to rub exes nose in it or she will make a fuss over it, then he cares too much about her feelings over yours (it’s not like you’ve only been with him a couple of months).
So you tell him that from now on you won’t be getting dropped off first, and in the meantime you won’t be doing any “parenting” until he shows you that he respects you.
When he’s faced with doing all the donkey work himself then he will soon not care about taking you with him, unless there is something going on (which I hope isn’t the case)

I am pretty sure there is nothing going on in terms of relationship. But I do think he panders way too much to this ex in terms of not wanting to rock the boat, and I've said that outright to him.

And I have took your advice and done the second part. Saying that I'll be doing none of the donkey work in parenting whilst he feels he can have me around when it suits and not when it doesn't as I find that hugely disrespectful.

Another take on this...(people will probably shoot me down for having a weird/unpopular viewpoint but here goes) Is she the jealous/fragile type? Maybe he's just terrified if she sees you it will trigger some insecurity and she'll freak out and he just doesn't want any drama. A. Because it sucks for their/your child being around that and B. It will suck for you as will impact on your relationship and harmony within your home if she's all 'triggered' and he's answering stupid dramatic text messages etc.

My husband's ex was very much like this for a long time and I kept a very low profile (rightly or wrongly) because I didn't want to 'poke the bear'. She had no reason to feel like that, I wasn't the OW and in fact she had previously cheated on him which is what ended their marriage, so if anyone should feel insecure, you'd think it would be my husband. But I've just concluded that us women can be very primal in our jealousy sometimes.

I do think it's time your step-child's PARENTS put their big girl/big boy pants on though in this situation...even as you say it's just small steps like you being in the car when you drop your DSC off. And making separate journeys to drop you off is very silly.

It sounds like he's really going to great lengths to make this happen. But I don't buy his reasoning. And then trying to persuade you that you were imagining the musical car journeys is really low.

So trust your instincts. Can you drive home from day out next time so he can't detour to drop you off first?

Been in the car when this has happened, he will still detour to drop me first. It's not a big detour by any means, as we live close by, but it's still an extra unnecessary journey.

It does seem great lengths to me too which is why it's all so odd. I mean I could literally bump into her in the local shop at any point!

I get this, I really do. I don't think she's territorial though, jealous I don't know.

I think it's more to do with me being involved with their child, as this she is very territorial over. But I am, and that's it really. I am not trying to not do I even want to take her place. I have my own kids, they are older and I have no interest in doing it all again with a. Young child, though I will do what's needed and extra if I am 'allowed' for DSC but I have no interest at all in playing mummy.

What if you're the one driving, @Blendiful ?

It would never happen if we were going somewhere like that. If we are both in the car 9/10 he drives it's just how it is, not really sure why! But he would make sure he was driving.

Tbh I'm kind of of the view now I'll just leave him to the stupid idea and just do what I said in doing the minimum I need to if he's unwilling to listen to me on it:

He knows her better than you and doesn't want any stress or conflict with you coming along.

I think presuming she's not in a relationship, isn't necessarily true. She may just not have him around her DC, so you wouldn't know.

I get that but why would me sitting in a car I'm travelling in really cause that much conflict?

If my ex said anything about that the other way round I wouldn't even acknowledge it! It's that ridiculous.

I'm not presuming she's not with anyone, that's DP presuming that, I would guess as she hasn't told him, but she isn't obliged to if she's not introducing to her DC as you say. So she very well could be with someone which really just strengthens my reasoning as to why we are playing this ridiculous game.

OP,

You sound clued in.
Listen to that gut of yours, something is off.
He won't discuss it?
He doesn't want to trip himself up?

How long are you together?
Children together?
Whose home is it?

It sounds to me that he doesn't want you together no matter what.

Stop doing anything that makes his life easier and start looking out for yourself.

He's dishonest and his shutting you down and refusing to discuss it is 100% disrespectful.

I would be very suspicious of him.

I am a little suspicious I have to say but not sure what he thinks could happen from being outside in a car when she's in the house! We wouldn't be having a chat.

We have been together a good few years (4 I think!)
Both have children but none together. House is mine.

I'm in an alright position in some ways in the sense I can sort myself out if I needed to.

I just wanted a consensus of if I WBU to feel weird about it. Tbh I expected people to say, you don't need to be there so it's fine!

My my ex does similar detours to drop his wife off before bringing DD home. Very rarely, his wife will come too. By rare I mean once every few years.

When we first separated ex's new wife would always come to drop DD off/ pick her up. She would come to door wanting hugs etc from DD to say goodbye (DD had met her for the first time 3 months prior... following their lengthy affair). It was monumentally awkward for all concerned, mostly DD who just found it all difficult and confusing. Ex used to look like a rabbit in the headlights, completely on edge. He did also mention a couple of times could I please make more effort to ''engage'' with her as she felt left out, that I wasn't showing her 'respect' or valuing her contribution as step mother. I did have to say to him, look, fine for her to come if she really feels she must but I'm not sure what ''engaging'' with her so she doesn't feel left out / marginalized looks like - it's just forced and I really don't know what to say to her. I mean I was always polite but what do you say to your ex-husband's new partner other than platitudes? Especially when you have a young child climbing up you, perhaps crying, perhaps excitedly telling you about something that happened, or showing you the latest picture they drew and you're trying to listen to whatever it is your ex is saying about god knows what. She came less and less as the years passed.

Still to this day, I really can't think why ex's new wife wanted to come to my home in the first place... I suspect he does the detours Op's husband does because the reality is he finds it very uncomfortable for her to be there. Not because I make a fuss, or because he gives 2 hoots how I feel, but because it's just 'weird' in a kind of 3rd wheel sense.

Could it be as simple as he is just keeping the 2 worlds separate because there is really no value or need to join them?