Normal to pretend you don't exist?

52 replies

Blendiful · 08/10/2022 09:46

This is a DP thing, not DSC.

DPs ex knows we live together and DSC come to our house. But it's like he pretends I don't exist to her and I find it very odd.

If he picks/drops DSC off I can never be in the car, because it would upset her :/ I don't mean going for no reason. But if we have been or are going somewhere with DSC he will make the extra journey to collect and then come back for me purposely to avoid me being there.

I mean it's a none issue really but it is stupid and personally I find it a bit offensive. Like it's ok to get me to do stuff for your child, but we must also pretend I do not exist. It's a bit hurtful. I would never do this and don't, and we don't do it in relation to the other DSC (different mum) either just the one.

Is it something I should just be like 'meh' and let him get on with it? I have raised it and explained I find it very disrespectful but he won't change it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Blendiful · 16/10/2022 14:55

Pinkyxx · 16/10/2022 10:59

My my ex does similar detours to drop his wife off before bringing DD home. Very rarely, his wife will come too. By rare I mean once every few years.

When we first separated ex's new wife would always come to drop DD off/ pick her up. She would come to door wanting hugs etc from DD to say goodbye (DD had met her for the first time 3 months prior... following their lengthy affair). It was monumentally awkward for all concerned, mostly DD who just found it all difficult and confusing. Ex used to look like a rabbit in the headlights, completely on edge. He did also mention a couple of times could I please make more effort to ''engage'' with her as she felt left out, that I wasn't showing her 'respect' or valuing her contribution as step mother. I did have to say to him, look, fine for her to come if she really feels she must but I'm not sure what ''engaging'' with her so she doesn't feel left out / marginalized looks like - it's just forced and I really don't know what to say to her. I mean I was always polite but what do you say to your ex-husband's new partner other than platitudes? Especially when you have a young child climbing up you, perhaps crying, perhaps excitedly telling you about something that happened, or showing you the latest picture they drew and you're trying to listen to whatever it is your ex is saying about god knows what. She came less and less as the years passed.

Still to this day, I really can't think why ex's new wife wanted to come to my home in the first place... I suspect he does the detours Op's husband does because the reality is he finds it very uncomfortable for her to be there. Not because I make a fuss, or because he gives 2 hoots how I feel, but because it's just 'weird' in a kind of 3rd wheel sense.

Could it be as simple as he is just keeping the 2 worlds separate because there is really no value or need to join them?

The that's fine and I have no interest in joining those worlds either. I would not be getting out the car, I would say bye to DSC in the car and let him go and drop her off. For that reason I can't understand why insistent that I am dropped off first. I would be polite if needed to to ex if our paths crossed but that's not the intention at all.

I would find that incredibly awkward to go to the door etc myself and would not want to I would literally be sitting in the car and that's it.

And it's not even that I want to do that or insist on going along. It's purely in situations where I am already in the car (I.e. we have been somewhere or are going somewhere) not on any other occasion.

OP posts:

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 16/10/2022 15:45

He is being both dishonest and disrespectful of you and your relationship together if he is trying to hide it. Also not great that he tries to shut you down when you challenge him. I would insist on discussing it every time it happens - let him know you can cause him as much trouble as his ex.

Flip

1 2 3