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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To put child first or appease mum…what would you do?

57 replies

TwoDots · 07/10/2022 14:37

Short backstory. There are 2 secondary schools near our house. Both within walking distance. One of them is slightly further away and out of our catchment area. The other one is closer and the main school for our area.

DH and ex have agreed the out of catchment school is best for SD because it’s considerably smaller. Although it’s out of catchment, there is a decent chance of her getting in as we are so close.

The closer and larger school will be second choice because there aren’t any other options really, but SD mum hates it for some reason (it’s a good school….my own DS goes there and loves it) so if their first choice is not successful, mum categorically says her DD will not go there.

My DH said they might not have a choice and feels it’s important SD goes to have a look around. His ex forbids it and is kicking off. DH just wants to reassure SD that if she ended up going there, it would be ok.

DH has booked an open morning for her just in case, but he knows by taking her it might cause irreparable damage with his ex.

What would you do?

OP posts:

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MeridianB · 07/10/2022 16:44

So where does ex expect DD to go if first choice school doesn’t take her?

lickenchugget · 07/10/2022 16:49

Does she think she has a better chance of the first school if she puts it as her only choice?

She doesn’t.

powercut101 · 07/10/2022 17:10

I mean mum may not like the second choice but I imagine it's preferable to a school that la may put DC in that could be miles away (because of them having empty places)

RandomPenguinHouse · 07/10/2022 18:04

If I was your DH, I’d ask the child if she wants to look round it and then go by what she says.

Regardless of how good the school is for your kids, the mum’s entitled to think it’s not good for her daughter and age may be right. Looking round secondary schools was interesting: there were a few that were objectively good and which people loved but which I and my DC hated. And I had specific legitimate reasons for thinking certain good schools would not suit my child.

Original poster

TwoDots · 07/10/2022 18:36

@RandomPenguinHouse i was merely mentioning my son going to highlight it’s not some terrible school to be avoided. As I say, both her parents agree a smaller school would be better suited, but the mum and SD have only looked around that one school. My DH has looked around all local schools when I was searching for my DS last year. DH think that school would be good for her if the first choice falls through.

Unfortunately SD mum has put all eggs in one basket and won’t entertain the idea of not getting in. I think she thinks she can fight the system. I know from my own friends experiences with secondary schools, is that you might just be lumbered with what you get. DH is aware of this and wants to protect SD and make the second choice positive also. If only his ex would give a reason for not entertaining even looking around it, but she won’t. She has mentioned she thinks DH wants this school because my DS goes there and thinks he’s trying to create a big happy family but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Perhaps that’s what she is fighting against.

Since writing this post, we picked SD up from school and the head of second choice school visited her primary today. She has come to ours asking if she can go to an
open morning next week.

SD mum will hit the roof and likely make things very difficult but we must put SD first in this

OP posts:

Original poster

TwoDots · 07/10/2022 18:37

SD mum hasn’t even visited the second school herself so not really making a fully informed opinion

OP posts:

quietnightmare · 07/10/2022 20:32

Sounds like SD mum doesn't want her child going to the same school as your child

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 07/10/2022 20:33

Maybe the idea of seeing you at gej school

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 07/10/2022 20:35

Maybe the idea of seeing you at the school gate isn't too appealing
. I can totally see her point.

CrookCrane · 07/10/2022 20:37

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 07/10/2022 20:35

Maybe the idea of seeing you at the school gate isn't too appealing
. I can totally see her point.

She should be putting her DC’s needs first though surely?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 07/10/2022 20:43

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 07/10/2022 20:35

Maybe the idea of seeing you at the school gate isn't too appealing
. I can totally see her point.

It’s secondary school. There is no school gate.

Wednesday was the first time dh stepped foot in dd’s school and she has been there for over a year. I last went when I went to the open evening when she was in Year 5. And we are pretty involved parents.

SandyY2K · 07/10/2022 21:23

but we must put SD first in this

It's not we It's they

This is not personal to you, but why not leave this to the parents. All too often, I do find SMs getting overly involved, in a way that a stepdad would not get involved.

She probably doesn't want her child at the same school as your son, but doesn't want to explicitly say that.

Many SMs don't want their children at the same school as SCs and they are validated with those feelings... this is no different.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 07/10/2022 21:27

Ds has parent involvement at secondary school.. Open days. Fun days. Parent evenings. Summer fair. Autumn fair. Christmas service. Maybe she doesn't want dc at the same school.

powercut101 · 07/10/2022 21:34

Personally I don't care if my DS goes to the same school as his step-mums kids, I also wouldn't have a problem seeing her at the school gates.

I'm not chummy with her but I would find it weird for this to be a reason for my child not to go to a certain school. We are all adults.

I would just go by what the child says tbh, as their happiness comes above anything else.

MeridianB · 07/10/2022 21:41

It’s not clear from this what her objection is but if she’s insisting on only putting down just one school then DH can surely add the second? Unless he wants to just see what happens if the first school rejects?

Sacredheart7 · 07/10/2022 21:45

I think you need to remember this isn't for you to have input into. Your step child is your husbands and exes responsibility. You should leave it to her father to take control of this situation and for them to go to the open morning if that is what the child wants.

RandomPenguinHouse · 07/10/2022 22:58

She has mentioned she thinks DH wants this school because my DS goes there and thinks he’s trying to create a big happy family but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Perhaps that’s what she is fighting against.

I mean, It doesn’t sound like it could be “further from the truth”. Your DH looked round the school with you and your DS last year. And then you both picked up your DSD today. And you, not your DH, are the one on here asking about what to do about the girl’s school. So I can see why the mother might think that.

Obviously the parents need a second choice. (And more?) Your DH needs to ask his ex what her suggestion is for that.

Original poster

TwoDots · 07/10/2022 23:06

@Sacredheart7 how am I in anyway stopping my DH from doing that? These are his decisions and I support him with those decisions. I don’t talk to SD about it unless she asks me questions. I don’t go to open days, talk to the ex etc. but I will listen to him and support him. He’s not one for asking advice on internet forums, and I suppose I’ve only asked and wanted to see other mums perspectives because I know him taking her to this open day is going to start ww3. It’s not pleasant all around.

To address some of the other questions. I’m certain the ex prob doesn’t want SD going to the same school as my DS but she may not have a choice as it’s the local school and their first choice is out of catchment. Ex is happy for said school to go into the application but believes her dd will never go there as she will appeal. She just does not want her dd going to see it on an open day which is really bizarre. It’s surely better for SD to be prepared for being allocated 2nd choice if need be.

For 2 years, both children were at the same primary school and I bumped into the ex once. Nothing terrible happened.

OP posts:

TwoDots · 07/10/2022 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

TwoDots · 07/10/2022 23:13

My DH has asked his ex what her suggestion is, as you’ve recommended. She cannot provide an answer

OP posts:

RandomPenguinHouse · 07/10/2022 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Your DH had followed my advice but instead of thanking me for that, and for the advice of asking the daughter if she wants to look round, you’re calling me paranoid and accusing me of step-parent bashing? Noice.

Of course there isn’t a problem for me with your DH looking round secondary schools with you - why would I give a shiny shit? I simply said I can see why the ex might think as she does. I stand by that. It doesn’t make your DH wrong

RandomPenguinHouse · 07/10/2022 23:38

Also, I am a step-parent. So if I wanted to cash a step-parent, I’d chose the easy option and do sone self-flagellation.

RedWingBoots · 08/10/2022 06:58

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 07/10/2022 20:35

Maybe the idea of seeing you at the school gate isn't too appealing
. I can totally see her point.

She is very unlikely to see the OP at the school gate as it's a secondary school as most children take themselves to school.

Parents evening tends to happen at different times for different years in large schools, and they can avoid each other at concerts etc if the school us large enough.

RedWingBoots · 08/10/2022 07:05

By the way OP you SD mum could appeal or simply wait on the waiting list.

There are some children I know who changed secondary schools during their first two years as a place became available to them in their preferred school as someone left their preferred school.

custardbear · 08/10/2022 07:20

Is it a faith school? That would be an outright 'no' for me

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