To put child first or appease mum…what would you do?

[TwoDots]

Short backstory. There are 2 secondary schools near our house. Both within walking distance. One of them is slightly further away and out of our catchment area. The other one is closer and the main school for our area.

DH and ex have agreed the out of catchment school is best for SD because it’s considerably smaller. Although it’s out of catchment, there is a decent chance of her getting in as we are so close.

The closer and larger school will be second choice because there aren’t any other options really, but SD mum hates it for some reason (it’s a good school….my own DS goes there and loves it) so if their first choice is not successful, mum categorically says her DD will not go there.

My DH said they might not have a choice and feels it’s important SD goes to have a look around. His ex forbids it and is kicking off. DH just wants to reassure SD that if she ended up going there, it would be ok.

DH has booked an open morning for her just in case, but he knows by taking her it might cause irreparable damage with his ex.

What would you do?

I hope Mrs Kicking Off aka the Ex is willing to fork out for a private school then on her own if SD doesn’t get her first pick. This sounds suspiciously like Mrs Kicking Off is being petty and doesn’t want her precious daughter at the same school as your DS. Nothing worse than an ex who refuses to co parent productively. It’s selfish and self entitled of her to act like this when it should be about what’s best for the child full stop.

I do apologise for calling you paranoid. I get so annoyed at these silly ideas of us having a fixed agenda and I honestly CANT see why she would think my DH does because he went to look around schools with with DS. The ex does not know I picked them up in the car yesterday. The ex (hopefully) doesn’t know I’m on here. I’m rarely involved in SD life apart from what goes on in our house so I think her paranoia is absolute bull and I can’t understand how you can see how she feels that way and I do feel you are twisting some of the things I’ve said. DH first choice is a different school to where my DS goes…why are you or the ex not picking up on that major clue??? As for your advice. He didn’t take your advice as he already done this….I was merely confirming.

I do appreciate your input, but I need you to understand that his ex is a true narcissist and has made our lives a living hell for 7 years and I won’t accept that she’s acting reasonably in any way, because she isn’t.

I do not want to argue with anyone on here so I do apologise for any offence taken

As for the poster suggesting she can’t blame the ex for not wanting her daughter in the same school as my son. That’s just lovely

Thank you. It’s very frustrating and hard to live with

Nope, it’s not a faith school. The only difference is the size really. The one SD parents have chosen is brand new so will only have 3 small year groups. The one my DS goes to is 11-18

Absolutely!

But during that time I’d it happens, SD will be allocated second choice school and DH focus is to make sure she’s prepared and comfortable with that.

You’re comparing me repeatedly to his ex and losing it because I and others were trying to understand her point of view, and yet she/me is the one who is paranoid???? Gotcha.

I’m not interested in her point of view really. My question was if DH should take SD to the open day.

I have apologised and explained reasoning but if you’re going to keep coming back with hostility then please leave my thread

You did apologise (thank you) but then you insulted me again in the same post

The first thing I did on this thread was to answer your Q, and my answer was essentially in support of your husband’s point of view.

I really didn’t mean to insult. I was trying to explain but I guess my frustration poured out.

Thank you for you advice and I’m sorry for any misunderstanding. I certainly don’t want to argue with anyone over this

Does sound like a misplaced issue, in that she is reluctant as your DC goes there.

Unfortunately a lot of parents are misinformed that if they put one school they have to give that. They do not and she could end up with any old school that has places.

So your DH as the child's father must insist on putting a second school at the very least and it really needs to be the catchment school. First choice can stay the same but he must not allow her to leave the rest blank. It could massive effect DSC if she does!

Let them figure it out.

let him get on forums and ask for advice if he’s worried.

it’ll be way less stressful for you and ex has made it clear your input isn’t welcome.

I know you’re only trying to help but it’ll drain you.

in any other situation I’d recommend a conversation with ex and your DP but it sounds like this isn’t an option?

Of course they’ve tried to have a conversation.

Im NOT involved in the way people keep suggesting. I do NOT have an input as far as the ex is concerned.

this forum if mostly women posting. May as well take away this board with that attitude.

‘Stay in your lane comments’ are not helpful thank you. I’m supporting my husband and if it prevents things getting worse, I will help with that. I’m NOT making parenting decisions ffs

DH has made his decision due to the child’s wishes so no need for more comments now, thanks

When applying for secondary schools you need to apply to more than one.
As parents you need to go to open days or visit schools to see the full picture of what the school is like and take into consideration what your child is like and what suits them.

I can see that your husband's ex wife does not want her child going to the same school as yours. Because of this she won't put this school down as choice 2 and because she think her child will get into the school she wants them to attend. The reality is that if she does not get that school place she is going to be left dealing with the problem of trying to get her child into another school. She might only get a place in the local poor secondary school.

Your husband needs to tell his ex wife that there child wants to go to this same school as yours child's open day and they will be attending the open day with or without his ex wife.
Ask his ex wife does she want there child to end up in the local poor school?
Tell your husband as well to ask his ex wife if she could afford to send their child to the local private school if she did not get her only choice of school?

The reality is that I can see that your trying to do your best for your step child. Your thinking if they don't get their 1st choice schools wise they can attend the same school as your child.
It not like she has to see you at the school gate each day because at secondary school a lot of kids either get the bus or are dropped off and collected by a parent near the school each day.

One of my friends wanted to avoid sending her child to the nearest secondary school for a number of reasons. She put this school down as her 2nd choice in case her child did not get into school number one. Her child got into their 1st school choice and are very happy their.
My friend knew that this school was popular and heard afterwards from people she knew that their kids where on a long waiting list for the same school.

Yep, a friend did this and was shocked when she was given a school on the edge of the county. The school she put down wasn’t in catchment and is so over subscribed that the catchment is basically 0.2 mile!

Thank you for the two most recent replies. Really helpful.

I went through all this last year with my own DS, and have quite a few friends whose school application was a disaster. So many didn’t get first choice, kids are in schools they didn’t want etc. appeals failed.

I’ve had a bit of stick on here for ‘not leaving them to it’, and I can assure everyone I’ve not pushed for parenting decisions. That said, if I hadn’t have said something to my DH about how they were both dealing with this school application, they would have only put one choice down, for an oversubscribed and out of catchment school. Ex had decided before even looking around any schools that this new school was the choice and forced the application through without seeing the school first, so convinced her DD was guaranteed a place. I know from experience if a second choice isn’t put down, they will be allocated an awful school on the outskirts of town if not successful with first choice.

Why all the drama? Just wait and see which school she gets - you’ll find out in January - then her mum and dad can argue if needed but don’t draw the child into this now when she might get first choice anyway so why cause upset at this point?

There’s no upset. The child really wants to look around the option 2 school

If she only puts one school down on the application she may get a shock that her dd doesn't get a place & could be sent somewhere miles away.

OP, my comment was more around letting go of the stress this is causing you, not saying you shouldn’t have a view or even try and help, just that in my experience you’ll only cause yourself stress and anxiety by getting involved. So I’m not in the “stay in your lane” camp, just in the “try not to let the situation cause you stress” camp. 💐

OF COURSE she should put a second school down and of course it makes sense for it to be the one your DS goes to.

It is totally in SDs best interests to be allowed to look round the school.

@Blendiful had good advice.

I actually agree that you’d be best off stepping back and leaving this one to your husband to deal with.

I can’t help but notice that this is a brilliant example of how ‘you must treat them as your own’ doesn’t ever apply when there’s a decision to be made. Apparently caring about the SC’s transition to school is overstepping and behaving like it’s a ‘big happy family’ where all the kids are treated the same is terrible.

There’s no way to be right. But you can’t solve this @TwoDots. Your SD’s parents will have to figure it out between them. All you can do is be positive about things with SD.

@SudocremOnEverything is spot on here:

I can’t help but notice that this is a brilliant example of how ‘you must treat them as your own’ doesn’t ever apply when there’s a decision to be made.

Your dh is right to prepare dsd for the fact she may not get the first choice. She does need to look around the alternative school. Is ex worried that dsd may prefer the second choice school?

Bless you, I do see what you are saying and it’s so appreciated. Some people are ‘stay in your lane’ but I can see you had better intentions than that, so thank you.

It’s a tough one to navigate isn’t it? I wish I was in a situation with 2 balanced parents who mostly get on and who can communicate effectively. But what we have is a self serving, narcissistic mother (and I’m not exaggerating) and a father who can be afraid of her. It’s been over 6 years of arguments and stress, and no matter how detached I am, it unfortunately spills over into everyday life. If DH is too passive (his natural go to), the ex completely controls our household. If he gives and opinion or inserts a boundary, it becomes nasty and it stresses him so much. We mainly grey rock but there are occasions, such as this, where interaction is needed between them and DH mentally struggles. His ex is a bully and abusive.

I have nachoed as best as possible. It’s resulted in SD not having a hair cut since March, not been to the dentist for years etc etc, but I’m leaving stuff like that up to then now. DH has always been good at the day to day stuff so I’ve never had to worry about making SD lunches and stuff like that. I tried to completely detach, but I was left with an emotionally broken DH who kept it all inside and eventually exploded. He said he felt completely alone, dealing with a mother who is useless and a wife who doesn’t want to know, and SD IS so affected by her narcissistic mother. I know many will say it’s his problem to sort, and it is, but what kind of wife would I be if I don’t offer him support from time to time?

in the past I had started to give him confidence to know his place as an equal parent and to speak up more for SD. When I completely detached, he started going down the “too scared to speak to ex” route and as a result they’ve dealt with thus school situation horribly. It’s left SD terrified of not getting first choice school as she doesn’t know what any other option is like. But I promise, I don’t interfere and encourage him to come up with what he thinks is best, then help him to feel confident to deal with his nightmare ex girlfriend.

Yes, it takes an enormous emotional toll on me, but if I didn’t support him, I don’t think our marriage would last.

She’s definitely worried that SD would prefer it

You can support him without getting involved in the decision-making. I know it’s really hard - but it’s the ongoing consequences of his previous decisions. You can’t change any of that or shield him from it.

But you can be there for him. And positive for your SD.

But you do need to protect yourself from it. None of it is your fault - or within your control. No matter how you might feel that you want things to be better for SD. You cannot compensate her for who her mother is.