To put child first or appease mum…what would you do?

[TwoDots]

Short backstory. There are 2 secondary schools near our house. Both within walking distance. One of them is slightly further away and out of our catchment area. The other one is closer and the main school for our area.

DH and ex have agreed the out of catchment school is best for SD because it’s considerably smaller. Although it’s out of catchment, there is a decent chance of her getting in as we are so close.

The closer and larger school will be second choice because there aren’t any other options really, but SD mum hates it for some reason (it’s a good school….my own DS goes there and loves it) so if their first choice is not successful, mum categorically says her DD will not go there.

My DH said they might not have a choice and feels it’s important SD goes to have a look around. His ex forbids it and is kicking off. DH just wants to reassure SD that if she ended up going there, it would be ok.

DH has booked an open morning for her just in case, but he knows by taking her it might cause irreparable damage with his ex.

What would you do?

It would have been impossible for anyone to helpfully answer the actual question you asked in the OP without the history you added later, it makes an enormous difference to how the ex's motives and actions are interpreted and so the answers you would receive. And, of course your response to those answers. In any high-conflict relationship it can be really hard for either party to view the others action from a neutral position.

That not withstanding, one thought which I don't anyone else has mentioned - could your SD not want to go to the same school as your DS and so the mum is channelling that but can't say so for obvious reasons. It is also unlikely the SD would mention it.

What are the other options for a 2/3/4 choice? Is it worth going to see some of them to help relieve your SD's stress around this? I can guess that her mum has been saying chill, relax it's fine you will get into School A and now she is stressed as clearly her dad doesn't think it is a certainty wants to visit School B setting her mind racing perhaps? It is positive I guess that her mum is happy for the school to go on as choice B so maybe there is really no need for the fretting just yet - if she is allocated there then whether she liked it, loved it or hated it or didn't even see it, it may be Hobson's choice.

It’s a valid question and I’m sure it could be a possibility. That said, at the beginning of the year SD was saying how much she wanted to go to the nearest school. It’s an obvious choice when a lot of her friends will be going there. Also, all her cousins go there too. She gets on well with my DS and they enjoyed their short amount of primary school together. It meant they had lots in common to talk about. The ex was hellbent against this school as far back as a year ago, so who knows honestly? SD is very excited to see the more local school tomorrow which is positive.

There is a third option out of town, but my DH looked last year with me and absolutely hated it, and no one from her primary would go there. There aren’t any other feasible options unfortunately.

A child not seeing a dentist for years is child neglect.

Why is your husband neglecting his daughters basic needs?

Her mother has issues so he needs to make sure he steps up.

Dental appointments are not just for women to make.

The ex moved both her doctor and dentist surgery behind his back to a town further away. He used to be in control of those things but the ex hated it so moved it on the sly and won’t give details. Ex keeps saying she will book an appointment but it never happens.

Yes, my DH could re register her, but it will get moved back at some point, and he’s probably afraid of the war it will cause. It’s not a healthy coparenting relationship. He’s so fearful.

Before, I would try and encourage him to get it sorted, but as I explained I have tried to detach as best as possible. It’s horrible for me to see tbh

What an awful situation to be involved with.

But it sounds as if it has you controlled too.

You can't say a word because he can't cope!🙄

Awful dynamic for you.

Protect yourself and your son above all else.

Oh my goodness, that is not true at all. He always welcomes my input and will ask for help when needed.

This is ME stepping back from a situation I have no control over and thus affects my mental health, just like all the advice you see given on here.

my DH is the least controlling person you will meet and it’s not ok to make such an awful judgement.

"If DH is too passive (his natural go to), the ex completely controls our household. If he gives and opinion or inserts a boundary, it becomes nasty and it stresses him so much."

This is what YOU wrote.

I wrote that the SITUATION has YOU controlled because of the stress it brings to you and your husband.

You have clearly written this to be the case.

Therefore, I wrote that must be very difficult and you should protect yourself and your son.

I think you misunderstood the post.