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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unblending…

76 replies

BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 10:16

My DH is wonderful and I really think he’s my soul mate. We have two children together and are generally very happy. 10 year relationship. I’m going to remain vague as it would be too outing but in short:-

His ex and him had a very short relationship and a child, his ex is very volatile and has a lot of issues surrounding her choice of men, home life. Stuff you’d read in take a break or some gossip magazine.

DSS has therefore had quite a turbulent upbringing and it’s clear this has all impacted him. He’s not got lots of mental health issues and is very difficult to be around. He does sometimes get violent too and has hit me (and many others).

I have depression and anxiety stemming from all of this and the impact it’s had on me. I don’t feel safe around DSS and I don’t feel my children are safe.

Mum has a new drama that will impact us and throw our schedule in the air, I am now experiencing heightened anxiety, I really struggle with the unknown and am a planner.

I just feel, and have felt before, that I can no longer stand the impact of the exes choices on me and my family. DH is fine and manages things as well as he can but I am sick and tired of the constant intrusion. The repeated crisis situations and all the drama flying around. I would never associate myself with people who live in such chaos because it just isn’t me. It doesn’t help that PIL get very involved in it all too.

Obviously I have my own children to consider too. Who, largely have a good home life although this does all impact them to some degree.

And before anyone asks, DH didn’t anticipate things going like they have so didn’t warn me. I just assumed (and actually was assured) that Mum and DSS would just be regular, pleasant people.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 04/10/2022 10:18

I don’t feel safe around DSS and I don’t feel my children are safe.

You must do whatever you have to do to keep your children safe.

Bookaholic73 · 04/10/2022 10:23

If you don’t feel like your children are safe, then you should do anything to keep them safe.
This includes ’unblending’ your family.

But what exactly do you mean by ‘unblending’? Ending the relationship, living separately but staying in the relationship?

I’m like you, I need (and want) an easy uncomplicated life, and would never live with this drama.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 10:25

But what exactly do you mean by ‘unblending’? Ending the relationship, living separately but staying in the relationship?

Realistically divorcing and going our separate ways.

OP posts:
WahineToa · 04/10/2022 10:27

What a horrible situation to be in. When it comes to your safety and that of your children, you have to do whatever is needed. I’m sorry this is an awful choice to make.

Bookaholic73 · 04/10/2022 10:27

I think that sounds like a good decision. In the long run it’ll be so much better for your mental health, stress levels and also for your kids.

Yousee · 04/10/2022 10:31

If you divorce, you won't be able to guarantee that DSS won't be around your children. That will be up to DH, who may be dealing with 3 children single handedly - 2 quite young and one a potential danger.
Would DH getting a small flat of his own to have DSS in be an option? There will be two homes in the event of a divorce anyway, one way or another.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 10:32

Thanks guys - it is awful! What’s really frustrating is the crisis’ aren’t genuine emergencies like medical situations, they are all totally self engineered and come about by bad choices. But they affect everyone and everyone (PIL, DH) is somehow drawn in to provide aid. It’s exhausting. It’s like having another child, there’s a real dependency still there and however well it’s managed by Dh he still can’t avoid how it impacts DSS and so has to get involved to some degree when Mum is incapable.

DH and I have had counselling and I have separate therapy to deal with my own mental health struggles. But even the therapist says it’s my situation - in short I’m not depressed or anxious as a person, I’m just in an anxiety provoking and depressing situation.

OP posts:
user443741922 · 04/10/2022 10:32

Are you able to speak to DH about your feelings ?
Is there anything he can do to keep the Ex at more of a distance from you & your family? Is there anything he can do regarding the SC?

I would think this all through before leaving an otherwise happy marriage because of a vile ex. (There would be no blended families otherwise 😂)

If there is nothing your DH can do, then I do agree you must put the safety and your mental health first. Start a fresh and easy life without the toxic baggage.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 10:34

Yousee · 04/10/2022 10:31

If you divorce, you won't be able to guarantee that DSS won't be around your children. That will be up to DH, who may be dealing with 3 children single handedly - 2 quite young and one a potential danger.
Would DH getting a small flat of his own to have DSS in be an option? There will be two homes in the event of a divorce anyway, one way or another.

That’s something I have taken legal advice on there are ways and means. Although non infallible.

We have tried the separate houses - but frankly I resent being the only parent who gets no downtime and who is dumped on, it makes planning my own work, childcare etc very difficult. I feel atleast with divorce when Dad has the kids he HAS the kids. As opposed to being present whenever he can like right now - which isn’t all that often.

OP posts:
TheGoodFighter · 04/10/2022 10:35

BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 10:25

But what exactly do you mean by ‘unblending’? Ending the relationship, living separately but staying in the relationship?

Realistically divorcing and going our separate ways.

But all that does is remove YOU from the situation. Your children will be spending up to half their time with their father, and therefore be involved with their half sibling.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 10:37

TheGoodFighter · 04/10/2022 10:35

But all that does is remove YOU from the situation. Your children will be spending up to half their time with their father, and therefore be involved with their half sibling.

Show quote history

Yes that is a consideration. I’ve been told I can restrict contact with their half sibling on the grounds of things that have happened. DH would always push though. He has a vision of happy families and is minded to ignore the dangers as reality upsets him…!

OP posts:
TheGoodFighter · 04/10/2022 10:38

You can't restrict contact when you aren't involved if you can't do it when you are involved.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 10:43

TheGoodFighter · 04/10/2022 10:38

You can't restrict contact when you aren't involved if you can't do it when you are involved.

I’ve taken legal advice and there are options that I don’t want to set out on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 10:49

user443741922 · 04/10/2022 10:32

Are you able to speak to DH about your feelings ?
Is there anything he can do to keep the Ex at more of a distance from you & your family? Is there anything he can do regarding the SC?

I would think this all through before leaving an otherwise happy marriage because of a vile ex. (There would be no blended families otherwise 😂)

If there is nothing your DH can do, then I do agree you must put the safety and your mental health first. Start a fresh and easy life without the toxic baggage.

We’ve spoken at length with the help of a counsellor and to DH’s credit he’s implemented everything he can. But there’s times when DSS’ Mums choices DO still impact us - despite all the boundary holding and DH’s best efforts to avoid it, maybe only to the extent it affects DSS but it’s hard to plan your life around the constant unknown. For DH and me. When everything’s dropped on us we don’t always get chance to plan things strategically to minimise the impact. It’s panic stations - and we have to be reactive.

Most of it is entirely foreseeable and avoidable, but DSS’ Mum isn’t a planner and just throws her hands up and drawers everyone into her drama. I think she feeds off it.

OP posts:
bubbles888 · 04/10/2022 10:59

What age is your dss? What choice does mum make that impact on you? You've been quite vague with what's actually going on. People could probably give u more specific advise if there was examples?

You've said your dss is violent what is he doing and why?

I think you need to be careful with the advice you have been given around divorcing and siblings being in contact. A court would only order your ex to see his children separately in very very extreme circumstances even if that contact is supervised I doubt they would stop sibling contact

PeekAtYou · 04/10/2022 11:02

I would be splitting too.
It's not dss fault that his life is what it is but you can stop your kids being dragged into the "drama" and you can only have limited effect on helping dss anyway.

Noteverybodylives · 04/10/2022 11:05

DSS has therefore had quite a turbulent upbringing and it’s clear this has all impacted him. He’s not got lots of mental health issues and is very difficult to be around. He does sometimes get violent too and has hit me (and many others).

Firstly, DH needs to be going for full custody.

This poor little boy is suffering and his dad needs to remove him from that situation.

Secondly, I would be very honest and open with DH and say that he needs to go for FIL custody and he needs to spend time with his son healing on their own.

I think you shouldn’t separate for now but you should live in separate homes.
Maybe just spend the weekends together or less to begin with and slowly build up.

That way you’re not ending your relationship and there’s no worries about you DH having the shared DCs and DSS on his own.
Your DCs also have their own homes and safe spaces.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 11:07

@bubbles888 I’ve been intentionally vague. But essentially Mum’s choices sometimes leave her incapable of caring for her children, she has intervention anyway.

Im told the court is unlikely to stop contact, I have no desire to totally cut them off either, but that I would likely be successful in the court stipulating how contact happen, eg ratio of adults to children and at a certain venue (outside
for example) to keep it safe.

DSS is violent for a myriad of reasons - none of which I’m willing to divulged and I don’t necessarily hold him accountable, but that doesn’t change the impact/threat to me and my kids. His behaviour isn’t going to improve. I have been as engaged as poss with all therapeutic help, but whilst some might have helped him non has really had much impact.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 11:09

Noteverybodylives · 04/10/2022 11:05

DSS has therefore had quite a turbulent upbringing and it’s clear this has all impacted him. He’s not got lots of mental health issues and is very difficult to be around. He does sometimes get violent too and has hit me (and many others).

Firstly, DH needs to be going for full custody.

This poor little boy is suffering and his dad needs to remove him from that situation.

Secondly, I would be very honest and open with DH and say that he needs to go for FIL custody and he needs to spend time with his son healing on their own.

I think you shouldn’t separate for now but you should live in separate homes.
Maybe just spend the weekends together or less to begin with and slowly build up.

That way you’re not ending your relationship and there’s no worries about you DH having the shared DCs and DSS on his own.
Your DCs also have their own homes and safe spaces.

Problem is that isn’t what Dh wants. He can’t manage his needs and doesn’t want to spilt his family. He’s not actually any happier with his dad, his mum is what he knows. I encourage him to have him 1-2-1 but he doesn’t want that.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 11:11

Thanks everyone for your time and advise - I was rather hoping to hear success stories or first hand experiences of people who did just divorce in similar situations rather than divulge the specifics of my own situation.

OP posts:
bubbles888 · 04/10/2022 11:22

From your recent update about your DH going for full custody and him not wanting 1-1 with his son then your DH is just as bad as the ex in my eyes sorry.

What is the contact arrangements just now?

A court won't make siblings meet up in an outdoor place with a ratio of adults as u say yes if the safeguarding is extreme they could say contact centre visitation for siblings. Think you just need to be prepared that's all.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 11:26

Hi Bubbles, I was using outside as an example of a suitable venue. Out of interest is this an area of expertise for you?

i don’t mean he doesn’t want 1-2-1 with his son, but he doesn’t do the extent that it excludes him from the family - whereas that’s how I feel safe.

OP posts:
CatSpeakForDummies · 04/10/2022 11:28

If your PIL are happy to be involved and your DH doesn't like 1 to 1 with his son (which is clearly a problem in itself) can your PIL essentially take your role in this - extra carer when DSS is around.

Essentially, if DSS has a room at PIL, your DH is always there when he has custody, coming back to yours when DSS is at the ex.

It sounds like the reasons you have for separating are not going to go away by divorcing (your DCs will still be at risk, but you will have less control over it), yet you introduce a whole new type of upset and drama into their lives. Surely there is another solution?

Noteverybodylives · 04/10/2022 11:30

Problem is that isn’t what Dh wants. He can’t manage his needs and doesn’t want to spilt his family. He’s not actually any happier with his dad, his mum is what he knows. I encourage him to have him 1-2-1 but he doesn’t want that.

Sounds like DH is reinforcing his son’s issues by not removing him from the situation because he can’t ‘manage him’.

He sounds just as bad as the boys mum and it’s a wonder SS haven’t removed him from the both of them.

I don’t blame you for wanting to separate.

MeridianB · 04/10/2022 11:32

What happens when DH and PIL ignore the ex’s dramas? Presumably she’d end up in prison/hospital and SS would step in? If it’s financial then this will never end, even when DSS is grown up.

You’ve said that DH is trying to maintain boundaries but then He has a vision of happy families and is minded to ignore the dangers as reality upsets him…!

It sounds like the reality is about to hit him between the eyes if you (very understandably) plan to leave.

How old is DSS?