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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unblending…

76 replies

BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 10:16

My DH is wonderful and I really think he’s my soul mate. We have two children together and are generally very happy. 10 year relationship. I’m going to remain vague as it would be too outing but in short:-

His ex and him had a very short relationship and a child, his ex is very volatile and has a lot of issues surrounding her choice of men, home life. Stuff you’d read in take a break or some gossip magazine.

DSS has therefore had quite a turbulent upbringing and it’s clear this has all impacted him. He’s not got lots of mental health issues and is very difficult to be around. He does sometimes get violent too and has hit me (and many others).

I have depression and anxiety stemming from all of this and the impact it’s had on me. I don’t feel safe around DSS and I don’t feel my children are safe.

Mum has a new drama that will impact us and throw our schedule in the air, I am now experiencing heightened anxiety, I really struggle with the unknown and am a planner.

I just feel, and have felt before, that I can no longer stand the impact of the exes choices on me and my family. DH is fine and manages things as well as he can but I am sick and tired of the constant intrusion. The repeated crisis situations and all the drama flying around. I would never associate myself with people who live in such chaos because it just isn’t me. It doesn’t help that PIL get very involved in it all too.

Obviously I have my own children to consider too. Who, largely have a good home life although this does all impact them to some degree.

And before anyone asks, DH didn’t anticipate things going like they have so didn’t warn me. I just assumed (and actually was assured) that Mum and DSS would just be regular, pleasant people.

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 05/10/2022 08:18

I would leave to protect myself and the children, not just your own but he as well. His son clearly needs his mum and dad to himself.

I would not accept 50-50 and I would put a huge fight against that. The reason you are leaving is because your children are not safe with his son. If he has them all together 50% of the time they are still not safe. Surely your partner wouldn't fight for that?

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/10/2022 08:28

@OnTheBrinkOfChange I can only speak for my own situation but I suspect any parent would struggle with their child acting like this. Both my DSD mum and dad struggle even though it's been witnessed by both in the past. It's not healthy or right but no one wants to think they have created a child that acts like this. So I have some (limited sympathy for people who do act like this). Head in the sand and the problem goes away right ?

The problem is that with joint Dc op can't just up and leave because it won't mitigate the potential damage that could be done and therefore op maybe best placed to stay where she is... although she's in the middle of a rock and a hard place.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 08:50

I can only speak for my own situation but I suspect any parent would struggle with their child acting like this. Both my DSD mum and dad struggle even though it's been witnessed by both in the past.

Yes - they do both struggle.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment, it’s given me some things for think about. Mostly just illustrated how neither option is ideal!

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 08:56

His son clearly needs his mum and dad to himself.

This is true but both have other children who are younger and at a demanding stage in their life. So is it ok for the younger children to be excluded to a degree? Obviously they’ll still see their other parent but it would be quite limited - he works FT etc and would mean they wouldn’t get that quality time.

Different to an hour every few weeks or so which is the sort of quality 1-2-1 time my kids get.

You’re just moving the problem around. Although I appreciate why you’ve said it and the same has been said by HCP, so both parents do carve out a disproportionate amount of time already and means for my kids, that I juggle the two of them and they don’t get that 1-2-1 with either parent. I can see that being a source of resentment at some stage. To them it looks like Dad has plenty of time for DSS but not them. They get the rushed bedtimes etc.

Ideally both parents wouldn’t have gone on to have more kids. Though I don’t think either anticipated things turning out like they have - I certainly didn’t!

OP posts:
pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/10/2022 09:09

BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 08:50

I can only speak for my own situation but I suspect any parent would struggle with their child acting like this. Both my DSD mum and dad struggle even though it's been witnessed by both in the past.

Yes - they do both struggle.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment, it’s given me some things for think about. Mostly just illustrated how neither option is ideal!

All I can say is on good days it's good (and I feel guilty for saying this I feel 100% healthy) and on bad days (when the Dc have been sick and I'm also sick) and DC wants their dad, if it's on DSD time it kinda sucks.

This also to say that there's a massive cost implication and we are lucky and very privileged to be able to do what we do.

It's not DSD fault and neither is is mine or dcs fault so I have tried to limit the damage as such. I wasn't willing to give up my DP either or my marriage because baring this issue, our marriage is a happy one.

Caravan or static home could also be a option if housing separately is a issue financially.

I can't advertise this though as the ideal solution but it was a choice between my marriage or this so I chose this. Mentally that helps me feel bit better about it tbh. I see it as protecting all the children because as she grows she legally will be held accountable for her actions and should anything else happen, that would destroy her future.

I would say it raises a lot of eyebrows on here and in rl. Literally. But at the moment it works for us and I'm hoping with the right guidance DSD will get the help she needs. But I have also come to peace with the thought she may not (for my own sanity if nothing else).

Op I really do feel for you !!

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 09:18

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/10/2022 09:09

All I can say is on good days it's good (and I feel guilty for saying this I feel 100% healthy) and on bad days (when the Dc have been sick and I'm also sick) and DC wants their dad, if it's on DSD time it kinda sucks.

This also to say that there's a massive cost implication and we are lucky and very privileged to be able to do what we do.

It's not DSD fault and neither is is mine or dcs fault so I have tried to limit the damage as such. I wasn't willing to give up my DP either or my marriage because baring this issue, our marriage is a happy one.

Caravan or static home could also be a option if housing separately is a issue financially.

I can't advertise this though as the ideal solution but it was a choice between my marriage or this so I chose this. Mentally that helps me feel bit better about it tbh. I see it as protecting all the children because as she grows she legally will be held accountable for her actions and should anything else happen, that would destroy her future.

I would say it raises a lot of eyebrows on here and in rl. Literally. But at the moment it works for us and I'm hoping with the right guidance DSD will get the help she needs. But I have also come to peace with the thought she may not (for my own sanity if nothing else).

Op I really do feel for you !!

Show quote history

Do you live separately FT?

I dropped you a message I don’t know if you have seen.

OP posts:
fUNNYfACE36 · 05/10/2022 09:31

How old is dss, I don't think you have said yet

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 09:36

He’s 13.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 09:36

He’s unlikely to move out at 18 - or at all, so I don’t think 18 is a magical fix.

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 05/10/2022 10:02

Your husband sounds a bit shit tbh.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 10:07

HailAdrian · 05/10/2022 10:02

Your husband sounds a bit shit tbh.

Well yes I can see why you might say that but it’s not particularly constructive.

OP posts:
Karamna · 05/10/2022 10:22

When you say you tried a

Karamna · 05/10/2022 10:27

Sorry. Posted too soon. So when you say you tried separate houses, was that full time? As you said you felt you were the only parent with no down time.

How often does he have contact t with DSS? Could you keep a small flat, where DH stays with DSS only during contact, and then lives at home with you for the rest of the time? So neither of you would have any child free time.

I understand this may not be ideal for him or what he wants, but it may be preferable to divorce for him, if that is the only other solution?

It's an incredibly difficult situation.

hiredandsqueak · 05/10/2022 10:37

If you separate though, in all likelihood you would have full charge for 50% of the time and no control over what happened when your dh is in charge for the other 50%. Would that be better? If you struggled with your own children when dh was seeing dss in a different house presumably far less than 50% of the time why do you think it will be easier if you separate? Do you really think you would have peace of mind in the time your children aren't with you?

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 10:42

No I wouldn’t have peace of mind. I don’t struggle with my own children - I resent it when I’m the only one FT parenting!

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 05/10/2022 11:11

But isn't dh parenting when he's away elsewhere with dss? Just not parenting your children
It sounds incredibly difficult but for me, I'd stay put and negotiate alone time where dh had sole charge of your children outside of the time that he spends with dss. Claim some time for yourself that way and not risk that dh would put them at risk with dss.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 12:42

hiredandsqueak · 05/10/2022 11:11

But isn't dh parenting when he's away elsewhere with dss? Just not parenting your children
It sounds incredibly difficult but for me, I'd stay put and negotiate alone time where dh had sole charge of your children outside of the time that he spends with dss. Claim some time for yourself that way and not risk that dh would put them at risk with dss.

Yes but is pretty privileged to be able to pick and chose what kids you parent at any given time, the implication is that someone else will have to pick up your slack. Second issue to that is that there isn’t enough time for solo parenting of our DC. I didn’t envisage that when we had children. So whilst I might not be able to change it it doesn’t alter the fact I feel resentful. Just clearing up the comment re “struggling” with my kids. I don’t struggle with their care.

OP posts:
pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/10/2022 12:52

I think the thing is that no nuclear family a parent gets to regularly and with consistency gets to opt out of parenting all their children. Some men do but let's not open that can of worms as it doesn't apply here*
*
Even in blended families during contact time* most people* don't get to say right today I'm only looking after one of the children I created. The others need to be looked after someone who's not me. Good luck because your on your own.

That's isolating.

Most people in a blended family doesn't want to have to be a single parent at the whims of someone else's actions. Dad chose to have all of these children but dad isn't looking after all of the children and op is left picking up the slack. There is and will be fallout in perceptions with DC and DSC and relationships will be effected.

Can't profess to knowing the solution all I can say is it must be very hard op.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 13:11

@pitchforksandflamethrowers you have summed it up succinctly, thank you for your understanding.

OP posts:
Karamna · 05/10/2022 13:45

Is one of the issues that DH has to take charge of DSS at short notice or at irregular times? So if he was going off to a flat you'd never know whether he was going to be around or not and it would make it difficult to plan.

It sounds like DSS is very challenging so I don't think your DH would really be having an easier time of it than you were looking after the other 2.

Sadly I can see that this (unpredictability) would still be an issue if you divorced. Eg if you organise for your joint kids to have contact with DH on a weekend DSS is not meant to be there. Then suddenly DSS has to come there. So then you might have to change your plans and keep your kids anyway.

Original poster
BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 13:56

Is one of the issues that DH has to take charge of DSS at short notice or at irregular times? So if he was going off to a flat you'd never know whether he was going to be around or not and it would make it difficult to plan.

Yes. We have this arrangement anyway and spend time apart, but when it’s by routine I accept it, even if I don’t like it. It’s the short/no notice on top of that that frustrates me.

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 05/10/2022 21:38

in your shoes, you cannot keep your children any safer when he would have them without you - so they are actually worse off. Leaving him would be worse for them, and better for you

solution,? live separately. See each other the times when he does not have his son. Yes you will be doing all the parenting but quite honestly it is what we as parents have to do to keep our children safe.

beachcitygirl · 05/10/2022 21:51

Firstly my every sympathy.
But secondly - you can only remove yourself from the situation. You absolutely cannot remove your children from the situation. In all likelihood they will be there involved without your care/attention & watchful eye.

I wouldn't take the risk. I would 'stay' together in seperate houses so you can control the situation to some extent OP

fUNNYfACE36 · 06/10/2022 07:38

I think the answer lies with better supervision of your desire so that he can't attack your other dc.I can only think thus is better achieved with 2 adults in the house rather than one , which would be the case if you separated
I don't think dh/dss contact in a pokey flat or static caravan is kind or fair on thus young boy who has been through so much at the hands of his parents .

forrestgreen · 06/10/2022 10:36

I see why you're in an impossible situation.
There's been a lot of posts so sorry if I get this wrong.

When he's at home with 'your' children he's a good dad and it's a happy marriage.
Ex is chaotic and dsd is often with dad at short notice, did you say he has 50/50 anyway?
Is dh aware of dsd needs and can't meet them / too scared too. And wants contact to be at yours. Therefore you'll help him but your ch are at risk.
Does he see the risk to your ch, what happens when someone is hurt, does he accept that things will be done differently in future?
Is there anyone else who steps in to look after sc, other than dad.

Are ss involved at all? If so are they 'happy' with how their care is being met. I know their standards are very low.
Sorry if you don't want to share any of that.