Unblending…

[BlueRibbonPen]

My DH is wonderful and I really think he’s my soul mate. We have two children together and are generally very happy. 10 year relationship. I’m going to remain vague as it would be too outing but in short:-

His ex and him had a very short relationship and a child, his ex is very volatile and has a lot of issues surrounding her choice of men, home life. Stuff you’d read in take a break or some gossip magazine.

DSS has therefore had quite a turbulent upbringing and it’s clear this has all impacted him. He’s not got lots of mental health issues and is very difficult to be around. He does sometimes get violent too and has hit me (and many others).

I have depression and anxiety stemming from all of this and the impact it’s had on me. I don’t feel safe around DSS and I don’t feel my children are safe.

Mum has a new drama that will impact us and throw our schedule in the air, I am now experiencing heightened anxiety, I really struggle with the unknown and am a planner.

I just feel, and have felt before, that I can no longer stand the impact of the exes choices on me and my family. DH is fine and manages things as well as he can but I am sick and tired of the constant intrusion. The repeated crisis situations and all the drama flying around. I would never associate myself with people who live in such chaos because it just isn’t me. It doesn’t help that PIL get very involved in it all too.

Obviously I have my own children to consider too. Who, largely have a good home life although this does all impact them to some degree.

And before anyone asks, DH didn’t anticipate things going like they have so didn’t warn me. I just assumed (and actually was assured) that Mum and DSS would just be regular, pleasant people.

It sounds like the reasons you have for separating are not going to go away by divorcing (your DCs will still be at risk, but you will have less control over it), yet you introduce a whole new type of upset and drama into their lives. Surely there is another solution?

Exactly, I’m obviously concerned I’m going to add more upset to my DC’s lives in trying to find my own peace. That said, I think I would be a healthier and happier parent without the mental health issues that I have as a direct consequence of this situation.

Yes social services would step in.

My sister was in the same kind of situation although her DSD was sen (adhd,autism) regular violent outburst towards half siblings, parents police even involved at one point and she worried when the separated about this as she wouldn't be there like normally, anyway got divorced went to court and her ex dp was awarded 50/50 with no supervision the judge told her it was her ex dp decision on the siblings relationship going forward on his time and that was that!

Every case is different though but I just wanted u to be prepared that if u do divorce it may be out of your hands as hard as that is

Thats really frightening, thank you for sharing that.

If you split up will your children still not be around the DSS via the husband who will have contact with them at his home?

So the upshot being they are still around DSS but without you there?

Tough situation.

The crux here for you is that your DH is not parenting his son properly, and the boy is suffering due to both his parents.

I think you should leave. But you need to be realistic that you leaving is unlikely to change your DH and his uncommitted parenting is likely to extend to your DC with him too.

I just don’t buy that your DH couldn’t foresee the drama with the mother, because you are saying that’s what she’s like, constantly creating drama. So either that’s just how she is, in which she would have been like that with your DH, or she is having a mental health crisis. If it’s the latter, she deserves sympathy.

Similar thing ss told ex to keep his girlfriend away from our children (she lost all hers for good reasons) the reality was that he could have had her there and there was nothing they could do until my kids got caught up in an "incident" fortunately he didn't question them too closely so they didn't tell him that part and they weren't around when she tried to stab him

i agree with you.

Re the drama - she has always been like that but somehow, probably because of my own two, it’s having a much bigger impact on us as a family.

You can remove yourself from the situation but your children will still be exposed to it when with their father.

There is no easy answer, but one stable and one disruptive home set up may be preferable to one disrupted one.

It’s a hard choice OP but I think you have to weigh up which situation will be better for your mental health and therefore your children’s. Whether in or out, you will still have stress unfortunately. So it’s a case of what you think will be lesser and which situation gives you more control over you and your kids’ environment.

You haven't said how old he is or maybe i missed it - this is very important. If he is he teens, then this problem ends soon, although dh will still need to be there for his child.

In your position I would probably stop the visits to the house altogether, and ask dh to take dss out for visits and they don't come back. This is last resort, but you have to guarantee the safety of the child. He needs to sleep at his mother's house. Perhaps there are grandparents that would be happy to provide the contact home or family members? I would look into a place of contact. I wouldn't rule out contact centres. Your dh can still spend time with his son, but away from you and the children.

I would also ask that he does not share the load and the stress with you, whatever dss is doing should be discussed with his parents.

Splitting up could make matters much worse for your own dc.

In your situation, and if you can afford it, I would have your husband have a separate place that he stays in when he has his son as presumably this isn't all the time. I don't think you say how old DSS is but can you imagine a future with your husband once DSS (possibly) eaves home? If you can then I would 'unblend' and get through the next few years. I would fear for your children if you divorce though.

@BlueRibbonPen hi op - I don't know if me sharing what we do re my DSD will help but it's worth a shot.

Our issues are slightly different DSD(13) is non Nero typical (diagnosis) but is showing some other really rather concerning issues - hurting animals and has hurt DC (thankfully not permanently), pleasure in hurting others, historically hurt other young family member. It has gotten so bad that she cannot be left alone with Dc or any children tbh. Issues with mum has meant getting any help for DSD is like pushing shit up hill.
(I won't go into the specifics because it's a long winded tale and it makes me rather sad and mad at the same time)

We are in the rather fortune position to be able to DSD contact time at our other place of residence. It has some massive massive downsides and honestly although the fear has gone re high alert re what will happen. Will Dc get hurt ext. The downsides are fairly horrible. I essentially am a single parent during DSD contact time and she has limited contact with her half sibling, although she seems rather happier for it (in itself a lesson).

I have found me being present for DSD solo, being calmer for Dc and separation has at least stabilised the situation, which I think is strongly what she needs. I would say though it's the option of to very bad choices. When you leave unfortunately you give up control to the other parent to keep your Dc safe at all costs and that is something only your can judge your DH on. Festive seasons make me sad as does any celebration because there always feels like someone's missing out (either dc or DSD) and she's missing out on the family unit that I know she currently hasn't had with mum (for other complex reasons) and I know she desperately wants deep down.

You must keep your dc safe and that may mean some tough choices.

So not much advice and I realise our situations are slightly different but you aren't alone 💐

How old is he? Massive difference between a toddler hitting you and a teenager. Not good either way but hard to advise without this.

DSD(13) is non Nero typical (diagnosis)

Polite request @pitchforksandflamethrowers : I wouldn't say anything if this was a one-off or even a fifteen-off, but the mis-type 'non Nero typical' has occurred on the step-parenting boards many, many times over the past year so it's hard to not notice!

As it refers to a group of people, including myself, who historically get treated with disrespect from neurotypical people, please can you kindly try and correct this particular error in future?

Also as a PSA generally: 'non-neurotypical' isn't shorthand for 'autistic', or indeed 'special' (with all the negative connotations that implies), despite some people using it like that. 'Non-neurotpyical' or 'neurodiverse' It covers a lot of neurological 'differences' including dyslexia. So if a person actually means autistic, it's better to be clear and use that word instead.

Dh told you his ex would be fine, when he obviously knew she wouldn’t be
his son is in a terrible situation that according to your op, is impacting his mental health and your DH doesn’t want to remove him from that
DH allows you and his other children to be unsafe

and now the situation is jeopardising your MH and DH is at risk of losing his family and soulmate and he’s still not fixing things?

he doesn’t sound all that great

@DuchessDarty is that all you took from her advice and message?! 🙄 god help mums net.

From the details you've given, I would not trust your husband to keep your children safe if you divorced and he had weekend contact. You say he downplays concerns and likes to play happy families, ie he will ignore the negative impact on your children.

As you've been together 10 years, your stepchild must be at least 11/12 years old, so at the point of becoming physically much stronger and larger than you, if he isn't already. It's awful for him that he's had such a chaotic upbringing, but your priority is the safety of your children and your own mental wellbeing. Easy to say when it's not my situation but I think I'd continue with DH seeing his son at another house, and bear the stress of being a largely single parent, rather than expose my children to an unsafe situation.

@DuchessDarty I use that wording for a reason (which I do not have to share with you) and will continue to do but I am sorry my wording bothers you.

Since your part of this group (as am I, as you know) you will need to excuse me for being direct but I'm not going to engage with you further on this topic as not to derail this thread as this op needs advice and it's becoming a pattern happening on this board.

Please report the post to MN HQ if you find my wording offensive 👍🏻

@pitchforksandflamethrowers you use ‘Nero’ instead of ‘neuro’ deliberately? I find it offensive as someone you’re attempting to describe. It’s inappropriate to give it a cute or glib name.

I’m well aware the OP needs advice; after all I gave them advice and support before you joined the thread.

I don’t know what you mean by becoming a pattern on this board; that sounds pointed which I hope you didn’t mean as that would be wrong.

Is Nero not a typo for neuro? That’s how I interpreted it.

And back to the thread at hand.

@BlueRibbonPen I just had another thought - have you tried reaching out to SS re getting some support for DSS ?

Does he only act like this at home or at school as well ? Has he had any counselling ? If life with mum is unsettled - maybe a physical outlet may help (tennis ect) to let him get out his anger in a constructive way.

It was :)

I’d assumed so and now @pitchforksandflamethrowers has confirmed it. So as it’s a typo, I’m not sure why she’s so stuck on using it.

As I said, I wouldn’t have raised it if it was a date occurrence. Bit this poster uses it regularly and has done for over a year, which means it’s deliberate. As someone with a neurodisability, I find the deliberate use of a typo to describe a condition(s) disrespectful.
I’m sorry to say so on your thread but I’d had enough.

I’be said my piece, will not mention it here again

Ending the dangerous and traumatic attempt to live together and blend the families doesn't have to mean ending the relationship. Lots of couples find they are happiest living separately but spending leisure time together. Both you and DH need to prioritise the wellbeing of your DC over the conveniences of being able to live together but that doesn't have to mean splitting up permanently. Once the kids are adults you can then move in together and there won't need to be so much drama.