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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I’ve had bad news and want to be on the down low this weekend

59 replies

Bronzino1 · 30/09/2022 10:48

I have just found out that my mum has cancer, it’s a pretty miserable diagnosis and I am profoundly sad about it. My partner and I have been living together for 5 months and his son has been coming over to say for last month or so. His son is 16 & a nice enough lad, I have no problems with him. He’s due this weekend and my partner is going to collect him as usual, but I don’t want him to come. I am a mass of tears and misery and don’t want anyone around. I’ve told my partner that I’m not my shiniest and he replied that the boy is looking forward to playing table tennis, so he doesn’t want to let him down, but I don’t want him there. Any ideas how to handle this please?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SpringSparrow · 30/09/2022 10:54

Can you just stay out of the way while the son is there? Do you have children yourself? If you switched it around would you not want your own child visiting if your partner’s mother had the same diagnosis? Could you go and stay/ visit your mother? She could probably do with the support.

wildseas · 30/09/2022 10:54

What sad news.

Why don't you book yourself into a hotel or go and stay with friend/family for the weekend and take some space to focus on you.

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2022 10:54

So sorry about your news. I would just handle it by focusing on yourself. Don't feel obliged to wear a smile, you've let your partner know where you are emotionally, so if you're a mess and his son is there then so be it. Don't stress about it. Hopefully your DP will take his son out for the day.

HermioneWeasley · 30/09/2022 10:55

Your partner’s son must be welcome in his home - that’s the deal you signed up to. You’ll need to take yourself off if you need space

SpinningFloppa · 30/09/2022 10:56

You stay someone else?

Yupsuuuure · 30/09/2022 10:56

I'm sorry about your news but you can't really say you don't want dss there. He's there to see his dad. You'll have to just keep yourself out of the way.

Midlifemusings · 30/09/2022 10:56

He still comes but you don't need to stay and play house. Do what you need to do for yourself, go stay with a friend or your mom or just hang out in your room. Kids don't disappear or parents stop being parents during hard times.

PeskyRooks · 30/09/2022 11:00

Poor you that sucks.

But a 16 year old is old enough to be told "Hi mate I'm really upset I've just found out my mum's got cancer" and if you are tearful in front of him well so what?

FluffySocksAndHotChocolate · 30/09/2022 11:00

Not fair on DSS. Sorry about your awful news op but you'll have to just keep yourself out of the way.

SunlightThroughTrees · 30/09/2022 11:01

Agree with others that your partner’s son should always be welcome in his dad’s (and therefore also his) home. Your partner wouldn’t be a good dad if he made his son feel unwelcome. But I think it’s definitely fine to lie low and just keep yourself to yourself this weekend. 16 is old enough to understand that you’re feeling very sad and want to be on your own while you process the news.

I’m very, very sorry to hear about your mum’s diagnosis

purpleboy · 30/09/2022 11:04

Sorry about your mum, you're obviously still in shock and trying to process the news, however that is separate to your stepson coming to see his dad.
Maybe your DH could take him out of the house for a bit to give you some space and if you don't feel up to being around anyone, take yourself off upstairs or out when they are home.

boredOf · 30/09/2022 11:08

You need to just tuck yourself up in bed for the weekend. Say you have a migraine
Let them have there weekend and you can stay out of the way,

CrotchetyQuaver · 30/09/2022 11:09

PeskyRooks · 30/09/2022 11:00

Poor you that sucks.

But a 16 year old is old enough to be told "Hi mate I'm really upset I've just found out my mum's got cancer" and if you are tearful in front of him well so what?

I would agree with this, please don't shut the boy out.

I would tell him and then just do your own thing, he'll understand why you're out of sorts.

Please don't stop him coming

funinthesun19 · 30/09/2022 11:19

Like a op said, don’t feel like you have to wear a smile. You don’t need to put on a happy performance for his son all weekend or see very much of him really.

Original poster

Bronzino1 · 30/09/2022 11:22

Thanks for your responses, you’ve mostly been utterly ace and it’s helped very much. And no, @SpringSparrow i don’t have children, and I can’t sit with my mum just yet as she’s in intensive care. And @HermioneWeasley I will suck up all my pain and be a good girl because it’s the deal I signed up to.

OP posts:

TugboatAnnie · 30/09/2022 11:25

So sorry about your mum. His dad should be caring and considerate towards you, explaining to his son what's happened, why you are not your normal self. Hopefully his dad looks after the cooking, housework etc anyway while his son is here so no need for you to be 'up' or doing stuff you don't want to.

Chewbecca · 30/09/2022 11:25

So sorry about your mum.

Let the kid come, but don't feel like you need to be shiny, be honest. You're feeling awful and sad. He's old enough to understand.

I'd also encourage your partner to take him out as much as he can so you have the house to yourself.

Autumntime2022 · 30/09/2022 11:27

He’s 16 not 6 he can understand the situation.

lunar1 · 30/09/2022 11:28

I'm so sorry to read about your mum, I hope you are able to see her soon.

Your partner can explain what has happened, he's old enough to be respectful and supportive.

LizzoBorden · 30/09/2022 11:29

Oh that’s really tough, I’m sorry. He’s not a little kid though, you don’t have to pretend that everything is okay.

FWIW I always thought Hermione Weasley was a dick, even before she married Ron

Hearthnhome · 30/09/2022 11:31

I am so sorry about the news you received.

But, dds home and he is biting his dad. He is old enough to be told you had some bad news, so should understand if his dad is a bit more attentive to you than normal or you are down.

Unfortunately, when you live with someone who has kids, it’s not really fair to only let them come round when everything is going well for you. it will likely cause some resentment.

And as this issue will likely be ongoing, you may have lots of times you feel down, he can’t be turned away every time you feel like that for what could be a long journey.

My mum passed away last year, so I know how scary and how upsetting these things are. I do sympathise, it’s not an easy time.

Original poster

Bronzino1 · 30/09/2022 11:33

Ha!!!! Thank you :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Bronzino1 · 30/09/2022 11:34

Ha!! Thank you :) @LizzoBorden

OP posts:

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/09/2022 11:35

I think it wouldn't be fair on his son to feel he's not welcome but I do understand where you're coming from. Maybe you could say hi to him and tell him you hope he has a lovely weekend but you have had some bad news and need to be alone then just do that. Your DP can then hang out with him

Original poster

Bronzino1 · 30/09/2022 11:37

Thanks again, everyone. I don’t want to alienate his son, or cause resentment in any way. But cripes, I am so sad and just want to lay on my sofa and drink tea all weekend. I think I’m in shock, I don’t want this to be happening. We live in an open plan flat, so it’s tricky to find a corner to hide in.

OP posts:

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