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Original poster

I’ve had bad news and want to be on the down low this weekend

59 replies

Bronzino1 · 30/09/2022 10:48

I have just found out that my mum has cancer, it’s a pretty miserable diagnosis and I am profoundly sad about it. My partner and I have been living together for 5 months and his son has been coming over to say for last month or so. His son is 16 & a nice enough lad, I have no problems with him. He’s due this weekend and my partner is going to collect him as usual, but I don’t want him to come. I am a mass of tears and misery and don’t want anyone around. I’ve told my partner that I’m not my shiniest and he replied that the boy is looking forward to playing table tennis, so he doesn’t want to let him down, but I don’t want him there. Any ideas how to handle this please?

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NotLactoseFree · 30/09/2022 11:40

Agree with other posters re the boy coming but that he's old enough to understand. But I'd add that I'd ask your partner to try and oragnise a few few days out with his son. Is this the weekend they'll do that go-karting day they'd been thinking about? Or a back-t-back movie extravaganza?

ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 30/09/2022 11:41

Hey you don't have to suck up your sadness at all, the kid is 16 which is old enough to know that you've has desperately sad news and you're miserable. I'd get his dad to mention on pick up that you've had bad news so it's mostly going to be the two of them this weekend and you are going to chill and take it easy. Spend time on the sofa and time in your bedroom, you don't have to hide your sadness. Also just acknowledge it, say to him "lovely to see you this weekend but I'm sure your dad has told you my bad news so I'm going to be a right misery/upset but just ignore me"! He then won't feel awkward and you get to just chill out and take it easy. So sorry to hear about your Mum ❤️

Original poster
Bronzino1 · 30/09/2022 11:43

@ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner I will do just this :)

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2022 11:46

Lie in your bed and drink tea, change the sheets, get some snacks in, watch something you enjoy or will let you have a cathartic bawl.

I’m so sorry about your mum 💐

dottypencilcase · 30/09/2022 11:47

I'm so sorry. I'd go to a hotel.

harriethoyle · 30/09/2022 11:48

Lolololol @LizzoBorden 😂

@Bronzino1 sorry you're having such a shit time - best wishes for your Mum. My teenage DSD's were actually very sweet and gentle when my Mum was terminally ill - you might be pleasantly surprised. Hope so. 💐

2bazookas · 30/09/2022 11:53

Go and spend the weekend with your mum. She needs you, and you can cry together.

Original poster
Bronzino1 · 30/09/2022 12:00

Thanks again, all ❤️

OP posts:
NOTANUM · 30/09/2022 12:08

Sorry for your news..

With a 16 yo, I would be upfront and tell him you’re feeling sad (and why), and that you might not be at your best this weekend. Then he knows it’s not him - it’s the situation that makes him feel bad and ensures no elephants take residence in your relationship.

This situation will last some time so he needs to come. But you don’t have to be Shiny Step mom either.

NOTANUM · 30/09/2022 12:09

Makes YOU feel bad, not him. (Typo)

NoSquirrels · 30/09/2022 12:13

I’m so sorry.

Your DP can support you by making sure he’s planned a good chunk of time out of the horse together. They can go to the cinema or whatever, and he should make sure he’s in charge of meals and all that stuff. You just focus on you. I hope your mum is out of IC soon Flowers

Greensleeves · 30/09/2022 12:15

I'm so sorry about your Mum Flowers

DH needs to take his son out and occupy him elsewhere, to protect your space as much as possible. He's old enough to appreciate that you've had shattering news and need down time.

littlemissdizzy00 · 30/09/2022 12:18

I am so sorry to hear your sad news.

I would suggest that your partner explains to his son what has happened when he picks him up. The boy is 16 so will be able to understand and empathise with your situation. As you said he is a nice enough lad. Suggest to your partner that he does lots of activities out of the house with his son to give you much needed space. Maybe evenings snuggled in your bed with trash tv is on the cards.
Stay strong x

weemouse · 30/09/2022 12:38

I'm sorry you've had bad news.

But this is family life, and you'll just have to do as you would if he were permanently living with you both, which is have a long lie, then go off and do your own thing, while they spend the day together.

He can't arrange his time with his Dad depending on how you feel, and I really do mean that kindly. Don't spoil it for them

Why don't you spend some extra time with your Mum if you can

weemouse · 30/09/2022 12:41

Sorry, I missed the update where your Mum is in ICU.

Get tucked up in bed with the Netflix on and leave them to it.

At 16 he's old enough to get why you'll be feeling this way

Campervangirl · 30/09/2022 14:20

My dss (17) was here the night my mum died.
Bit of a long story but DM had cancer and died when I was out of the country, I had flown out, landed & found out she died, flew back the same day, 24 hrs of absolute hell.
Dss came downstairs, gave me a cuddle then made himself scarce.
I'd not change your routine, he may surprise you and support you.
You don't need to hide away or hide your emotions, he's old enough to understand.
Hope your DM recovers, be strong, you'll need to be for the fight ahead.
Sending you my best wishes ❤️

properdoughnut · 30/09/2022 17:42

Don't feel you have to suck up your feelings. 16 is old enough to know people get shit news and don't feel their best. If you want to hide away in your room and cry all weekend then go for it. Sorry you had such rubbish news x

MiseryWIthAStent · 30/09/2022 17:47

HermioneWeasley · 30/09/2022 10:55

Your partner’s son must be welcome in his home - that’s the deal you signed up to. You’ll need to take yourself off if you need space

Indeed.
I'm sorry though OP.

frazzledasarock · 30/09/2022 17:49

If you need to sit on the sofa and drink tea you do that. It’s your home and your mum, you have every right to process your emotions however you feel you want.

Your DSS is sixteen, that’s old enough to understand you are upset for your mum.

robertpaulson · 30/09/2022 17:51

HermioneWeasley · 30/09/2022 10:55

Your partner’s son must be welcome in his home - that’s the deal you signed up to. You’ll need to take yourself off if you need space

As sad as it is, I agree with this.

You don't need to paint a smile on for his son. He should be respectful and not force conversation etc.

Ultimately he should be welcomed whatever. He's family.

TheSausageKingofChicago · 30/09/2022 17:53

So sorry to hear about your mum. Are you comfortable with your partner sharing that news with him, so he understands why you might be keeping your head down? My 16 year old would be kind and understanding.

roarfeckingroarr · 30/09/2022 17:54

I'm so sorry for your news. Cancer is awful and cruel.

I think all you can do is keep to yourself. It wouldn't be fair to not allow his son to come over.

loveisinttheair · 01/10/2022 13:51

Sorry to hear about this.

Just tell the SC you got. bad news. He will understand. Then retire to your room . Get your partner to do everything else which is order take out for everyone this weekend. You can eat in your room and just be by yourself. They can take care of themselves.

loveisinttheair · 01/10/2022 13:52

You don't need to suck it up, the partner and son can take care of themselves, and go spend the day out and about to leave you to rest and just be yourself.

DooLallyy · 01/10/2022 18:35

Could your DP not stay somewhere else with his son so you could have some time alone? Could they maybe stay with DP's parents/family members? Or a night in a hotel? Your DSS might love getting to spend time with just his dad.

I agree that it would be awful to cancel plans with his son but I think your feelings are just as important as your DSS's, yes you are the adult and yes sometimes we just have to suck things up because 'that's what we signed up to', but you've been dealt a really shitty blow and when you're feeling so low you shouldn't have to feel like a prisoner in your bedroom.