SC and my marriage

[Thelifeofawife]

I feel like I don’t even know where to start.
Since DH and I got married things have gotten worse.

Previously there were instances of SD being cheeky and swearing, I suppose you could say testing boundaries. Sadly DH rarely put boundaries in place.
Anyway, I had a great relationship with her for the first few years, but it did shift a little at one point (guessing it was down to feeling she was betraying her mum by having fun with me, she would have to stop and text or ring her mum whilst we were doing an activity), then DH and I got engaged and SD was really happy initially but things were up and down from then, though not as bad as it was after we got married. Literally from the wedding day onwards.
Since then it’s like DH feels guilty for moving on with his life and being happy, so when she’s naughty (and there have been some bad things), or simply wanting all her own way, he just doesn’t want to deal with things and it’s caused a lot of problems.
I have a DC of my own so I try to be understanding but some of it is just ridiculous and I can’t be expected to turn a blind eye when it impacts on me and my DC surely. I’ve tried to explain this to DH and he seems to get it and does agree with most of what I’m saying, but when it comes down to it nothing changes.

DH and I have been together several years and SD mum brought her into a stepfamily unit long before we did, so I don’t think this is a case of dad has moved on and it’s caused all sorts of emotions to surface.

Anyway, it’s at the point where DH is just taking it out on me because he doesn’t want to deal with things and I won’t just accept SD keep causing dramas that impact on our relationship and our family unit (as in myself, DH, my DC and SD).
I feel like I just want to walk away and have a calm life for me and my DC but I do love DH and so I feel constantly torn.

I’ve obviously kept a lot of specifics out so please be kind and understand there’s a lot more to this and it’s not that I am mean or dislike my SD or have a low tolerance.

If anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you overcome it? Or is it something that will never get easier no matter what I try?

I'm sorry, that sounds like a really awful situation to be in.

Have you told your DH how badly the situation is affecting you? What did he say if so?

Sadly if he won't change (or doesn't parent by the sound of it) ending things might be the best thing as it's affecting you and your child.

It's not fair for you both to take all the flack of his crap parenting.

How old is she?

He’s jeopardising your marriage and the life you’ve built by behaving like this. Have you told him that? I wonder if he knows how serious you’re finding it. I’d feel the same as you, absolutely.

If he won’t grasp it you’ll have no choice to walk away, sad as that obviously would be. While it’s her behaviour that’s challenging it’s his lack of interest in dealing with it that’s causing the problems, for all of you.

Would you consider counselling? The guilt he’s letting ruin the previously successful dynamic is a luxury he can’t afford to continue unless he’s willing to lose you. He really needs to hear and understand that.

It must be gutting, I’m sorry 💐

Thank you for your kind replies.

I have had many discussions with DH about the situation, I think that’s why it’s gotten so bad because I feel frustrated now that I can’t just approach him and say “please deal with it”, I find myself just losing patience and we argue because he’s allowing things to go from bad to worse. He either wants to bury his head in the sand or he just feels bad having to deal with her. He’s acknowledged many times that her behaviour isn’t okay and that he doesn’t like many of the situations either. And to be fair when she’s directly hurt me (by words or actions) he has spoken to her about it, but he will never be firm or make there be any consequences because she just cries when he pulls her on anything (she’s ten, so old enough to understand) - I’m not expecting harsh punishments as I’ve not raised my DC like that either, but I don’t expect him to go and buy her treats the day after because he feels bad for telling her she’s done something wrong or because he just can’t say no under the circumstances.

It’s just at the point now where everything has to revolve around her even if it impacts on my DC or me and I’ve had enough. I know she’s his child and of course she has to be a priority, but when you’re married and there’s other children in the family it can’t all be about one person.

We got married with so many hopes for the future and it’s not turned out like either of us expected. I do feel for him that he feels the pressure over his DD but also I feel so undervalued that he’s putting our marriage on the line like this.

I spoke to him about counselling but he won’t go. From the things he’s said I think he believes they will agree with me and he doesn’t want to face it.

It feels like a lost cause, but we were so happy before and I can’t help but feel that surely there must be a way to change direction, or get through to him.
Maybe I’m just kidding myself.

Is she 13/14 by any chance? I have a 14 year old, he's an arsehole at the moment and tests boundaries where he can obviously I love him but he is an arsehole and selfish at times its a constant battle.

10?! Jesus. I’d go now. The next 8 years and possibly many more will get much much harder. I think a lost cause is probably right. I can hear your disappointment and sadness, it’s raw. But you’ve got to put yourself and your own child first. No one else will. There’s no shame in doing that and it’s not failure to walk away. The real heartbreak would be many more unhappy years spent banging your head against a brick wall while your child suffers.

Free yourself. Be happy. Imagine the joy of a peaceful home that’s your sanctuary rather than a battle ground.

I spoke to him about counselling but he won’t go. From the things he’s said I think he believes they will agree with me and he doesn’t want to face it.

This is so telling. He’d rather sacrifice his marriage to you than face his own failings. That’s shit for all of you but he’s the one who’ll end up miserable and alone because he won’t be able to maintain a healthy relationship until he’s dealt with his issues.

It's hard when you have parents who have split up. Her whole world has turned upside down and it will never be the same again. She probably has her own issues hence why she's acting out and that behaviour that you describe. Both her parents have moved on and she probably feels lost. Have you tried being distant with her?

This is what I keep thinking.

My DC is older and recently I’ve made it where they are at their dads when SD is here (I don’t mean I kick my DC out, just arrange things between DC and SD so they aren’t here at the same time), because I just want DC around as little drama as possible.

The refusal to see a counsellor is really stinging because I do feel it could help. I don’t want to sit there in front of a stranger any more than DH does, and I know they will likely tell me things I need to do differently (in terms of letting go of some of the damage that’s been caused and how to approach things), but I was hoping we could try and work through things.

He says he loves me and wants to fix it but that he doesn’t know how, yet when I make suggestions he doesn’t follow them through.

I understand what it’s like as my parents split when I was a child.
As I said I have been with DH for several years so it’s not like she just met me then suddenly we got married.
I had a wonderful relationship with her and a few times she referred to me as mum (that was difficult to navigate as I didn’t want to tread on anyone’s toes but also didn’t want her to feel rejected).
I backed off a little when she was constantly contacting her mum, as I didn’t want her to feel guilty doing things with me - I still did activities but made it where DH was involved too rather than just the two of us.
Even when she’s been acting up and I distanced myself a bit (because DH needed to deal with things), I was still kind to her and chatty regardless of how hurt I felt.
She can be very loving at times and when she was little things were so good, we were like a little family - it’s just gone downhill

I'm not a SP so feel free to ignore my post but do you think the actual marriage is what changed things,? Most DC seem to think they're DPs might get back together, even when it's really unlikely, and your DH marrying you sort of slams the door on that happening. Maybe your DSD now makes trouble to see if her Dad will side with her and gets so upset when he pulls her up because he's siding with you?
Sadly unless you can get your DH to talk this through with a unbiased profesdional I think you're going to have to leave or grit your teeth and bare it

@Daleksatemyshed It could be. But SD seemed happy and excited about us getting married/her being bridesmaid, and has also said she wants me and her dad to have a baby.
It could be that SD is trying to test DH‘s loyalty, but he has shown her plenty that she’s still important to him. And sometimes it’s not just directly at me, it’s things that affect or upset both me and DH.
Whatever her reasons, how do you navigate such a situation where you’re constantly feeling like you’ve got to be on your guard and you can’t just have a happy marriage because someone wants to keep derailing you, and your DH feels too guilty to deal with it?

@Thelifeofawife I wish I knew the answer to your question because it would help an awful lot of people on this board. You're by no means the only SM I've seen on here whose either left, or was at the end of her tether, because her DH let his DC get away with murder rather than tell them off. It's all fear and guilt, guilt over only being with them part time and fear that if he doesn't let them have their own way they'll stop seeing him. That's such a toxic mix it doesn't leave room for any common sense, it's tremendously telling that your DH won't go to counselling because they'll agree with you.
Maybe it's time to tell him this is a dealbreaker, he talks to someone and parents his DC or you're off

Did her behaviour change before or after you started to distance yourself? Could she be picking up

... picking up on this?

@Daleksatemyshed I know, I can’t believe how common this is, though I only came to know that recently from MN.
DH isn’t here currently following a recent incident. I feel like it’s so calm at home and I can’t face going back to the drama. I’ve told DH this, it’s rubbish for us both as we do love each other. It’s like he just feels helpless but it’s so frustrating knowing that he isn’t and he could actually address a lot of the issues. I really don’t know where we go from here.

@Yeahrepublic No this isn’t a result of me being distant as I’ve done it in more subtle ways, for example DH now has to get up with SD in the mornings (unless I wake up stupidly early), when reducing one-on-one activities with her I’ve said her dad wants to do something with her today. I’ve still showed an interest in her and been nice, and do still do some things with her.

"Recent incident" sounds ominous @Thelifeofawife, it seems like things are reaching boiling point in your marriage. I don't know how a grown man can fall in love, marry, then just let his marriage fall to pieces because he feels helpless - is he an adult or not?
If I may be honest, all I can see is the two of you ending up divorced at this rate unless he gets his act in gear, then he can feel guilty twice over. He's going to be a lonely old man at this rate because no sensible woman will want a relationship with a man who lets his DC rule his life - he should love his DC, provide for them, always be there for them when they really need him but they should never be in charge

@Daleksatemyshed I’ve basically said all of this to him. He was genuinely upset when I said I can’t do this anymore, so I know he loves me and doesn’t want us to split up. But how long do we carry on being unhappy, all so that 1 person in our family unit gets everything they want. And if we do struggle along then heaven forbid we should have a child together - I’ve read so many stories on here recently about the difficulties that can bring.
He’s just burying his head in the sand in both situations (SD behaviour and the future of our marriage)

He is a typical Disney dad, destroying his marriage and ruining his daughter's character because he is ruled by guilt and the fear that if he parents his child properly she may refuse to visit. It is a horrible situation with a poor prognosis for the family unless he gets help. He is in the process of turning this poor child into a very difficult teen and ungrounded young woman, without the personal resources to succeed at life.

@SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain is right, your DSD is going to be an unhappy young woman. She'll be so used to manipulating her Dad finding it doesn't work on everyone else will be a shock. If your DH loves her enough to let his marriage fail then surely he can't want to screw up her life,?

I agree and I’ve told him this also. He and his ex have both played a part in the way she’s behaving.
SD had a lot of issues when her mum was with her ex-partner, she was very jealous of his kids being around and that was clearly not dealt with properly. Though I never heard of anything as bad as some of the things she has done with us, which is making me think it’s likely driven by her mum.
Her mum is pretty awful to DH (was when they were together and obviously more so now they aren’t and he’s moved on) so I do understand why he doesn’t deal with things in the right way sometimes but I’ve met plenty of people like her and not standing up to them is the worst thing you can do. I can see SD going down the same road

Does your DH know his marriage is genuinely at risk?

He does now. I’ve told him I’m going to see a solicitor next week. I’ve just had yet another blow tonight to the point where I can no longer hold it together and my DC has seen my upset and is feeling he has to look after me.
I feel absolutely rock bottom now, I know there’s no way through this and I’m facing a divorce. Feel like such a failure but I can’t stand living like this anymore. I’m dreading what’s to come

@Thelifeofawife I sorry to see things have got so bad. Do what's best for you now, he's made his choice. He feels helpless so does nothing but him doing nothing is his choice.

@Daleksatemyshed exactly. He is making choices all the time. This time he’s shown me yet again that me being his wife means nothing to him.
It’s also clear that despite saying he’s just a bad communicator, he in fact manages to communicate with everyone else when he wants/needs to.
Of course, it will all be my fault somehow. But I’ve spent far too long doubting myself and questioning if I could have done x,y,z better. I know that no matter what, I always tried to do what was best for our marriage and the family, whereas he didn’t. Because to him we are not family.
Anyway, I managed to get through work without having a breakdown so that was good. Whether I’ll still be feeling calm this evening is another matter

Good luck and let us know how it goes please. It takes a brave person to know when it's time to say no more

Thank you! I’m just keeping busy for now and I’ve arranged to visit my dad later with the intention of telling him what’s going on, but not sure if I’ll actually feel able to. I’ll see how it goes