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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SC and my marriage

59 replies

Thelifeofawife · 13/09/2022 20:48

I feel like I don’t even know where to start.
Since DH and I got married things have gotten worse.

Previously there were instances of SD being cheeky and swearing, I suppose you could say testing boundaries. Sadly DH rarely put boundaries in place.
Anyway, I had a great relationship with her for the first few years, but it did shift a little at one point (guessing it was down to feeling she was betraying her mum by having fun with me, she would have to stop and text or ring her mum whilst we were doing an activity), then DH and I got engaged and SD was really happy initially but things were up and down from then, though not as bad as it was after we got married. Literally from the wedding day onwards.
Since then it’s like DH feels guilty for moving on with his life and being happy, so when she’s naughty (and there have been some bad things), or simply wanting all her own way, he just doesn’t want to deal with things and it’s caused a lot of problems.
I have a DC of my own so I try to be understanding but some of it is just ridiculous and I can’t be expected to turn a blind eye when it impacts on me and my DC surely. I’ve tried to explain this to DH and he seems to get it and does agree with most of what I’m saying, but when it comes down to it nothing changes.

DH and I have been together several years and SD mum brought her into a stepfamily unit long before we did, so I don’t think this is a case of dad has moved on and it’s caused all sorts of emotions to surface.

Anyway, it’s at the point where DH is just taking it out on me because he doesn’t want to deal with things and I won’t just accept SD keep causing dramas that impact on our relationship and our family unit (as in myself, DH, my DC and SD).
I feel like I just want to walk away and have a calm life for me and my DC but I do love DH and so I feel constantly torn.

I’ve obviously kept a lot of specifics out so please be kind and understand there’s a lot more to this and it’s not that I am mean or dislike my SD or have a low tolerance.

If anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you overcome it? Or is it something that will never get easier no matter what I try?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelifeofawife · 28/09/2022 16:57

@CatchersAndDreams Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve experienced similar to me, it’s really hard isn’t it.
Like you, getting married absolutely made everything worse. It was evident that SD mum was jealous when we announced our engagement (DH had never wanted to marry her, they hadn’t been engaged or anything), her and SD behaviour got worse, then intensified from the wedding day.

This particularly resonated with me, it’s exactly where we are…

“I became so poorly with stress. I should have had a husband who had my back, I didn't. It didn't matter how much he loved me his dad guilt and not seeing me and my dc as part of his family and equals in feelings has now led to him being on his own”

My DC is thriving as your DD is, and I hate the thought that all the drama held him back in some way.
I’m constantly battling with the fact I love DH and hope things can change for the better so we can enjoy the next 40+ years together, and the what if it never changes and me and my DC get dragged down with them and then I look back feeling like I was a rubbish parent, in a miserable marriage. It’s so hard.

I’m so glad that it turned out to be a happy ending for you, though not the one you would have initially chosen. You deserve every ounce of happiness for you and your DC.
And well done to your DD on her GCSE results, my DC smashed his exams too. Those proud mum moments are everything 💖

OP posts:
CatchersAndDreams · 28/09/2022 22:15

OP - I know exactly how you feel. I really didn't want to give up on my marriage. It broke my heart but I just couldn't keep living as if my feelings didn't matter to my exh. I became a huge ball of resentment towards him and ss. I couldn't be a good mum to my own dc as all I did was stress about it and try to validate myself to other people that I wasn't a horrible person and that me and my dc mattered too.

Tbh there was a time once I split with exh that he promised me he would go to parenting classes and counselling but by then I was hyper alert to any sign of disregard to me that I knew I couldn't let it go. I was so used to coming last and not being thought about that I was bitchy and mean (when I'm 100% not that in RL). I couldn't push past it as I was so hurt that it had taken us splitting up for exh to see that I mattered. I'm not sure he would have engaged with it well either as he wasn't able to be honest with himself.

I tried so many different ways a d twisted myself into so many different balls I lost myself. If you are able to detach, have dc at their dads when sc are round then maybe you can make it work. I actually hated it when my dc weren't there and ss was as I felt even more like an outsider in my home! Exh didn't like it much when I wasn't 'connected' to him and doing my own thing - but also wanted his son to himself without the chores of dc falling to him as he only had his ds 50% so why should he cook and take time away from him.... fucking mental that I put up with it for so long.

@Inamess2022 yes of course PM me!

bluejelly · 28/09/2022 22:37

I think the fact that he won't entertain the idea of counselling is a deal-breaker.
That doesn't strike me as someone who is prepared to work to fix this. Sorry you have been put in this position.

stepmumspacepodcast · 29/09/2022 11:06

CatchersAndDreams · 28/09/2022 22:15

OP - I know exactly how you feel. I really didn't want to give up on my marriage. It broke my heart but I just couldn't keep living as if my feelings didn't matter to my exh. I became a huge ball of resentment towards him and ss. I couldn't be a good mum to my own dc as all I did was stress about it and try to validate myself to other people that I wasn't a horrible person and that me and my dc mattered too.

Tbh there was a time once I split with exh that he promised me he would go to parenting classes and counselling but by then I was hyper alert to any sign of disregard to me that I knew I couldn't let it go. I was so used to coming last and not being thought about that I was bitchy and mean (when I'm 100% not that in RL). I couldn't push past it as I was so hurt that it had taken us splitting up for exh to see that I mattered. I'm not sure he would have engaged with it well either as he wasn't able to be honest with himself.

I tried so many different ways a d twisted myself into so many different balls I lost myself. If you are able to detach, have dc at their dads when sc are round then maybe you can make it work. I actually hated it when my dc weren't there and ss was as I felt even more like an outsider in my home! Exh didn't like it much when I wasn't 'connected' to him and doing my own thing - but also wanted his son to himself without the chores of dc falling to him as he only had his ds 50% so why should he cook and take time away from him.... fucking mental that I put up with it for so long.

@Inamess2022 yes of course PM me!

Congrats on making this fab life for yourself! I guess you didn’t have DC together?

Inamess2022 · 29/09/2022 17:52

Catchers and dreams I will PM you later as all of your posts Have resonated with me so much and I could really use tips on how to build a new better life as I’m really struggling with that at the moment (and the grief as you previously described)

FromageRouge · 29/09/2022 17:56

My DC is older and recently I’ve made it where they are at their dads when SD is here (I don’t mean I kick my DC out, just arrange things between DC and SD so they aren’t here at the same time), because I just want DC around as little drama as possible.

The refusal to see a counsellor is really stinging because I do feel it could help.

I am so sorry but your family is already peeling itself into two halves isn’t it?

It’s a DH problem. How long can this last if he won’t change anything?

Original poster
Thelifeofawife · 10/10/2022 18:09

Hi everyone, sorry I’m just getting round to replying.
I initially took a few days to myself because my head was all over the place, then DH started upping his efforts.
It turns out that the recent thing which occurred (which I mentioned a few posts ago), didn’t actually happen, it was DH being rubbish with communication, so that was one less thing to worry about at least.
It’s been a bit up and down over the last couple of weeks, mostly positive. I’ve been very clear about my feelings and how I refuse to go back to the way things were, feeling as though my feelings and my DC don’t matter.
I’m glad that I took the time to see the situation for what it was, because I was allowing it to go on too long for the sake of my marriage, and once it was just me and my DC I felt like me again (though I missed DH terribly), and realised exactly what I do and don’t want.
DH appears to have done some good listening and thinking about how he needs to approach things moving forward, but we have a long way to go. Being completely honest, I am terrified that we will end up back to square one in a few weeks/months, so I am taking things very slowly. DH is still not home as I don’t want to rush anything until I can see some of the promised changes.

I hope you’re all doing okay since we last spoke 💐

OP posts:
billy1966 · 11/10/2022 09:52

OP, you sound like a nice woman but you need to put your children first.

This man puts him and his child first and your children are coming last in all of this.

I presume it is your home?
Your childrens home?

They shouldn't be managed out for this man and his child even though you say you are not doing this, you clearly are.

I understand you are sad and love him, but your children are already damaged by all of this.

Do not allow him to return.
Put your children first.

You have gotten good advice and @CatchersAndDreams is doing the right thing reclaiming a peaceful environment for her children.

Your MH is being compromised by your choices.
Your children can and have seen this.

This is really damaging for them.

This is bad for you.

For you to allow him to return to your home would be playing roulette with your childrens lives.

Simply not right.

Original poster
Thelifeofawife · 11/10/2022 12:11

@billy1966 Thanks for your reply.

I am not managing my child out, it’s simply that I arrange it where SD is here when my child isn’t (he stays at his dads regularly).

My DC has been protected from a lot of what’s been going on.
When there have been ways in which I feel my child has been let down, he’s unaware of it because I have done what I need to do so he doesn’t notice.
I have also stated in my post that I will not be having DH back home until I’m assured that changes have been made for the better. So I am putting my child first.

I didn’t get married to just give up and walk away, but I also need to do right by my DC and this is the best way for me to balance that at the moment whilst I see if things can be turned around

OP posts:
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