SC and my marriage

[Thelifeofawife]

I feel like I don’t even know where to start.
Since DH and I got married things have gotten worse.

Previously there were instances of SD being cheeky and swearing, I suppose you could say testing boundaries. Sadly DH rarely put boundaries in place.
Anyway, I had a great relationship with her for the first few years, but it did shift a little at one point (guessing it was down to feeling she was betraying her mum by having fun with me, she would have to stop and text or ring her mum whilst we were doing an activity), then DH and I got engaged and SD was really happy initially but things were up and down from then, though not as bad as it was after we got married. Literally from the wedding day onwards.
Since then it’s like DH feels guilty for moving on with his life and being happy, so when she’s naughty (and there have been some bad things), or simply wanting all her own way, he just doesn’t want to deal with things and it’s caused a lot of problems.
I have a DC of my own so I try to be understanding but some of it is just ridiculous and I can’t be expected to turn a blind eye when it impacts on me and my DC surely. I’ve tried to explain this to DH and he seems to get it and does agree with most of what I’m saying, but when it comes down to it nothing changes.

DH and I have been together several years and SD mum brought her into a stepfamily unit long before we did, so I don’t think this is a case of dad has moved on and it’s caused all sorts of emotions to surface.

Anyway, it’s at the point where DH is just taking it out on me because he doesn’t want to deal with things and I won’t just accept SD keep causing dramas that impact on our relationship and our family unit (as in myself, DH, my DC and SD).
I feel like I just want to walk away and have a calm life for me and my DC but I do love DH and so I feel constantly torn.

I’ve obviously kept a lot of specifics out so please be kind and understand there’s a lot more to this and it’s not that I am mean or dislike my SD or have a low tolerance.

If anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you overcome it? Or is it something that will never get easier no matter what I try?

You are in no way a failure. I just left a blended family situation that was becoming unbearable and although I am very sad about it the relief and the lack of arguments/tension is so much better for my son and I.

The effect of the constant tension on your mental health must be unbearable.

I think your relationship can survive this if your DP is prepared to make changes….

@Inamess2022 sorry to hear you are going through this too.
My head is screaming “what are you doing, you’re being made a mug of” but my heart keeps chiming in “you love him and you’re married”.

I hope things get easier for you soon 💐

@stepmumspacepodcast I don’t think he is, that’s the problem.
I have seen some signs that he gets it and tries to deal with things, but as soon as SD acts innocent (I don’t know why I said this/did that) and starts crying he just feels guilty then compensates by treating her to something.
Then it just gets to the point that he resents me for “keep going on about it” because he doesn’t actually want to put boundaries in place. And I get resentful that he’s allowing his wife to be treated like this

I'm really sorry to hear you are having to face all of this. I've just been reading through it all.
I think you need to put you and yourself first, so are doing the right thing. This is in no way your fault. I want to give you a huge hug as seems like it's been a rollercoaster.

Just wanted to add that if SD is like this aged 19 then seriously will be horrific by the time she's mid to late teens. Sadly seen this too many times due to their parent feeling guilty when the water works is turned on and no boundaries get out in place. Before the parent realises they've got a toxic child going to any length to get what they want (not in all cases but the ones I've seen certainly ended that way).

Take care and will follow this post to see how you get on ((((hugs))))

Sorry aged 10 that was meant to say (stupid phone malfunction)

@CakeMonster1 thank you! It has been a real rollercoaster and honestly I’m dizzy from it all.

At times I feel for DH because he obviously feels forced to accept some things where his DD and ex are concerned, but then I think of all the many other couples in a similar situation where despite the dramas the husband does right by his wife too, so I just think yes it must be hard for him but if he really loves me how can he stand by and actively keep hurting me.
There have been some situations where it’s like he’s just saying a big “F you” to me, like he’s too immature to deal with anything.
This isn’t all about his parenting or his DD, some of this relates to other things and it honestly makes my head spin now he can behave like that.

With regards to SD getting worse as she hits her teens this genuinely does concern me, and I have said this to DH, that I can’t see him being able to deal with her or me being able to stick around through it. Perhaps I’m too honest with him and some things are best left unsaid, I said it with the intention of highlighting how it will only get worse if not dealt with now, but I suspect he just saw it as an attack.

To be honest it just feels like no matter how I try to approach things I can never get through and it’s caused me so much stress, taking a toll mentally and physically

OP would he consider therapy?

@stepmumspacepodcast no he won’t even entertain the idea.
We did a pre-marriage course and so I thought he may be willing, but no. Therapy is very different of course, talking about our problems rather than discussing general topics.
There is a post-marriage course and a while ago I suggested that as a compromise, but he did nothing about it and in the meantime the problems got worse

@Thelifeofawife you know what I think he thinks if he ignores the issue it will just go away and thinks right I have married her so what's she gonna do divorce me.

It's guilt on steroids.

I think he needs to know that's on the cards if he doesn't sort this out.

And I can speak from personal experience- it gets worse as they hit teen years as they are in a mental place of not willing to please at all.

You shouldn't be spending time trying to fix something you didn't break. I realise this is very unhelpful and can only sympathies.

Have you read stepmonster (bloody Brillant) they have audio form and it would be quite enlightening some parts for him to listen to that this is common.... and what it will cost him if he doesn't pull his head from his arse.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers thank you. I really think it is the case that he thinks if he ignores it then it will go away because we are married so I just have to move on. It drives me mad but it’s reassuring that you can see this too and it’s not just me going crazy.

We spoke last week and I said it doesn’t feel like we can sort things out as he’s not changing how he deals with things and if we can’t, even though I love him, we would have to get divorced as I can’t live my life in limbo. He looked genuinely upset like it finally hit him, but then he’s gone back to being quiet and not making any effort to sort things out.

I haven’t read stepmonster but seen it mentioned on MN a few times so have been meaning to look it up. It’s interesting that some things in it may be good for him to hear, I hadn’t thought of that

My DH accidentally overheard me playing it and there's a part in the book where it talks of dad being in the "middle" and actually he puts himself there due to guilt and it doesn't benefit anyone (a v brief summary)and couples speak about it in their marriage and idk it turned a light bulb on for him. He had thought he had to be guilty because he's situation was so special and ding gong it wasn't.

It's kinda make or break type book. Not all of it will be relevant to him but all of it usual to you.

But just to reaffirm, you aren't going mad. Not even slightly.

When you say quite is he processing ? Or just actively back to usual pattern with DSC. My partner goes silent and it drives me mad but I found a tactic that works for me is I go silent back. One world answers ect and usually I find him to talk things out (because he's so used to me wanting to talk things out) so he knows I'm serious when I do this. Frustrating v v frustrating

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I often think the silence is him processing things, but then he never follows up on any of it, so I’m starting to think he’s just ignoring/burying his head.

We haven’t spoken properly in over a week (even then it was a couple of hours here and there), he’s text me very brief messages which barely respond to the messages I’ve sent him - he doesn’t want to address anything.
Me being silent doesn’t work unless he’s actually in the house with me.
The thing is he knows how much he’s hurt me but he’s made no effort to sort anything out despite saying he wants to fix things, but when I’ve pointed that out and suggested we discuss next steps to end it if he doesn’t want to fix it, he doesn’t want to do that either.
I feel like my life is in limbo and I am starting to jump from one emotion to another now. It’s been a really difficult weekend

The best thing for your kids is to get out of there. It's best for you, too.

I’d echo reading “Stepmonster”. I interviewed the author for my podcast and she was just 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

DP and I both read the book. Changed our relationship and both our perspectives so much. I recommend it to everyone!

The thing is he knows how much he’s hurt me but he’s made no effort to sort anything out despite saying he wants to fix things, but when I’ve pointed that out and suggested we discuss next steps to end it if he doesn’t want to fix it, he doesn’t want to do that either.

He doesn't want to deal with SD or other things - that's difficult for him. Requires effort and change which he doesn't want to make.

He doesn't want to divorce because that too requires effort and change on his part.

What he EXEPCTS is that if he does nothing, his life wont have to change, you will sort it all out for him as you normally do - no matter what the cost to you (and your dc) is. Because the cost to you is irrelevant - as long as there is no cost to him/his DC.

I have to say little owl nails it.

I think if you started making it serious you were considering divorce he may pull finger out ... but I don't know have definitive change will be substantiated from this method.

I'm so so sorry @Thelifeofawife

Thanks everyone.

I just don’t know how we ended up here. We’d had no argument to cause this current blip (though we did clash over something), in fact he had really made an effort the day before. I don’t know why he would cause such conflict.
I feel dread at the thought of it being over but also dread about going back to how it was, and given his behaviour the last few weeks I don’t feel like he’s recognised that changes need to be made so we can be happy together.

I had a meltdown in work today in front of one of my bosses which I am mortified about as I pride myself in being professional, work has also been very stressful the past couple of months - feel like I need to go hide away from it all.

Would I be right in thinking that he is not loving with you currently... I'm getting that impression from some of your responses.

If that's the case then I'd just put it all to one side and concentrate on living, being with your kids, doing your job etc. Leave him where he is, with whatever communication he chooses to make. Respond to him only when you are ready and I'd keep with the grey rock if possible. Give yourself time to regain some strength and decide where you (and your kids) want to go with this. Reduced tension in the house should make things easier for a while which should help.

He's failing everyone by sticking his head in the sand, even SDD.

If she is testing boundaries and looking for reassurance that he loves her, she isn't getting it from him just saying "yeah ok" to anything and everything she says. It looks like pandering to you but it probably feels like disinterest to her. Her dad should care if she's horrible, her dad should have boundaries he's thought about for her well-being. He needs to step up his parenting for everyone's sake. He won't engage with counselling, but would he take a parenting course?

I relate to this so much OP. I was terribly sad when I left exh for similar issues (his ex was a big reason too) but now I'm so happy. I do have pangs of sadness now and again (almost a year on) but I'm so in love with the life I have now that they're not for long.

I'd never ever be with a man with primary age dc ever again. Getting married was what made dss and his mum change towards me. It's quite a common thing (yes there were niggles before but marriage intensified them) as is having a baby.

Our society isn't set up for step families. There is only so many books you can read, podcasts you can listen to and forums with others experiencing the same issues before you either give up on your marriage or give up on yourself. I'm never wasting my life being miserable ever again. I became so poorly with stress. I should have had a husband who had my back, I didn't. It didn't matter how much he loved me his dad guilt and not seeing me and my dc as part of his family and equals in feelings has now led to him being on his own, lonely, his ds is running riot (he stole 3k recently sneakily using exhs business account on his xbox) and exh is tearing out his hair how spoilt he is. But his behaviour is exactly the same as when we were together but I was the scapegoat for it. Now he hasn't got a scapegoat he's finding it very hard - but also still spoiling him. It's weird. Thank fuck I'm not in it anymore.

My life is lovely. Work is going great and I'm starting my own business. My dc are doing amazing. Dd smashed her GCSEs, we live in a happy home again and I wake up happy every day. No stress whatsoever. Exh dragged me and dc down with him and his kids issues. Don't let your life pass you by being miserable for someone elses life to be better. You only have one life OP. Please don't waste it.

Catchers and dreams your post resonated with me so much. I am sadly still dealing with the aftermath of coming out of a blended family but already I feel lighter and to be honest I don’t miss the stress that comes with that baggage at all.

@Inamess2022 it gets so much better. I don't think I ever want a man again and I've got 3 chasing me. I just want to build the best life ever for myself and dc. I've never wanted to be independent before. I wanted to be looked after and the best thing that has came out of my marriage is wanting to be independent and sort my own shit out.

You can get to a place where it feels so good just to snuggle up on your own sofa, light your candles, watch a film/read a book and relax. No drama with exes and dc, no feeling like you're a non playable character in your own life. I tell my dc constantly don't ever be a step parent. Make your own family. It has taken me so long to get here though. I've gone through so many grief cycles, it wasn't what I wanted but now it is. I feel bored of exh dramas now. Absolutely bored of the shit show he created. I am so happy in my lovely life.

Catchers and dreams would you mind if I PM’d you at some stage as I really feel like your posts are hitting a cord with me ( sorry hope that doesn’t sound weird in anyway!) it’s so hard to find people that understand the pressure and stress of these intense situations and who have come out the other side!

@LittleOwl153 Yes he is being very distant, when I say how I feel he doesn’t acknowledge it/show any emotion (only when I said I wasn’t sure if I could move forward with him/the situation - then he was upset. But that conversation later ended in a row).
I’ve been getting on with things since and you’re right the calmness at home has been very settling - that’s why I’m finding it hard to see a way forward because I can’t face going back to
how things were, though I do love him and don’t want my marriage to be over.

@CatSpeakForDummies I hadn’t even considered this but you could be right. All I could see was him giving her everything she wanted and allowing her bad behaviour, which makes me feel like she’s just trying to cause trouble between us and succeeding.
DH would not even entertain the idea of a parenting course, and who would I be to suggest it (I’m only his wife after all). He would have to acknowledge that his parenting style isn’t working, which he doesn’t seem to be able to recognise.