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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

ASC

67 replies

ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 18:13

I know I'm going to get some stick with this but I need to get it off my chest.

I'm so fed up.

I was only helping doing the breakfast and after school drop off and pick ups for SD just before and while I was pregnant to help out as it was on my way to and from work and timings were ok but now I've been lumpered with normal school hour drop off/pick ups permanently whilst on maternity leave and no doubt when I return back to work but for two

I hate doing them. I hate that everyone expects me to do them and I hate how everyone says 'you know what you was getting yourself into'.

I hate I don't even get asked if I'm ok with doing any extra days (when mum needs a hand or oh just offers to have her) and it's just assumed I will do it.

I hate I have to rush in the mornings with a new baby and I'm resentful tbh that I can't just have my maternity to chill out and not worry about planning my days around school hours.

It's making me miserable everyday. I don't know what to do because really I have no reason not to do them

For what it's worth I do 3 pick ups and 3/4 drop offs a week.

OP posts:

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Original poster

ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 21:39

Thank you everyone for your response.

@Pleaseaddcaffine yeah well it was spoken about a lot. I expressed my feelings to my OH, my family and friends and I was kind of met with responses like 'oh well you've not really got a choice', 'she does live with you so I'm not sure what you can do' so I just felt like I was made out to be the bad guy. When I asked if OH parents could help out I was met with excuses and MIL feels it's mean for OH to have to drive to hers to drop SD off in the mornings. Apparently it's not fair on him as he works hard and is tired HA.

I really really wish I just said no. End of. And stood my ground because now I feel like I'm in a right muddle with it all l

OP posts:

Pleaseaddcaffine · 06/09/2022 21:42

Yeah no. I just said no.
Im fairly firm and tbh I was pretty unwell post birth so it was a no option and I just kept it that way.
Just say really sorry but it dosnt work for me, or if your feeling very very kind 1 mornig drop of a week... Picks up are a pain for baby groups etc.

Bananarama21 · 06/09/2022 21:42

Say no I never expected my ds sm to do these things on the days ds df had him he made arrangements with work and worked in a day he didn't have ds.

ZenNudist · 06/09/2022 21:46

Just say it's too much, you feel taken for granted. You are already doing everything for your joint child. They need to sort it out between themselves.

lunar1 · 06/09/2022 21:53

How did he manage before you were on maternity leave? He needs to do that.

Or he can ask for flexibility at work, like thousands of other parents have to.

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 22:01

oh well you've not really got a choice', 'she does live with you so I'm not sure what you can do' that's awful!!!

Original poster

ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 22:01

@lunar1 she was at nursery so had longer days but he did do the pick ups and MIL did the drop offs.

I guess his the approach is while I'm off I can do all the childcare to save money and him doing it.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/09/2022 22:21

You don’t want to do it OP. That’s enough of a reason. It’s not too late to say so, brush off any guilt tripping attempts and get some peace and freedom back in your life. Please please put a stop to this. She’s got two parents, they’re both taking the piss. Your baby has two parents. One is happy for the other to be run ragged and the other is stressed and resentful.

I hope it helps to know plenty of us are step mums and mums and we think you’re right and everyone trying to bully you is a twat.

DuchessDarty · 06/09/2022 22:22

OP, some tough love: you really need to be less passive here. Bottom line is that he's not making you do this, unless he's been abusive in any way. There are lots of different ways to manage things in a blended family and it is up to the partners to decide depending on what they're happy with. Who does what for any step-children is a major point and as you'll see on this board, breaks relationships. You've essentially agreed to do this even though you don't want to, and ultimately the responsibility for that falls to you only, regardless of the opinions of your friends and family.

You started doing some drop-offs and pick-ups before you were pregnant because it was on the way to/from your work and was you helping out. You continued while pregnant. You were fine with that it seems. But you're not fine with the new arrangement. It appears your DSD has just started school? In which case you need to sort this out asap before all the Afterschool places go, or childminders aren't available.

harryclr · 06/09/2022 22:23

Fuck that. I used to do pick up once a week for SD with my small baby then i had another one in deep winter and said i am no longer doing it. I am not lugging an 18month old and a newborn in and out the car 4 times...with a double pram in the freezing cold to collect your child. Just not happening.

Your maternity is for you and your child, no one else. Say no now because it really does flyby.

DuchessDarty · 06/09/2022 22:25

Also, if she's just started school then she won't have been there long, so you have a good 'excuse' (not that you need one) for saying something like: " I've tried it but the time of school pick up is really inconvenient, and drop offs are more time consuming than at nursery. Also, I'm lugging a small baby, huge difference."

Original poster

ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 22:43

I just approached the subject and said how I fee and asked for help with the school runs and got back ..

'Why did you get with someone who has a kid then'

Lol fuck that. I said she has two parents and I'm not one of them.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/09/2022 22:52

Is that what your partner said to you?

Original poster

ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 23:02

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/09/2022 22:52

Is that what your partner said to you?

Yep!!! I'm shocked. Spoken since that comment and he said he will try sort something but that's pissed me off.

OP posts:

Pleaseaddcaffine · 07/09/2022 07:46

He sleeping on sofa?
I once got it dosnt impact you when dp agreed to ahve 3 extra kids home while our ds was at a childminder and i was wfh. I lost my rag and went okay... It dosnt then.
I did nothing that week. No watching, no driving, no helping, no cooking... I also went into office or worked from sisters house. Everytime he asked I just said no it dosnt impact me remmber.
Never ever happened again!
Stand firm and tell him his behaviour is not acceptable.

loudlylikealion · 07/09/2022 07:48

ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 22:43

I just approached the subject and said how I fee and asked for help with the school runs and got back ..

'Why did you get with someone who has a kid then'

Lol fuck that. I said she has two parents and I'm not one of them.

Oh my goodness. What a jerk!! Hope you're OK OP. Did he get with you to provide free childcare for his kids?!

WeeOrcadian · 07/09/2022 07:54

Does DSD live with you full time?

Original poster

ijustdontknow1 · 07/09/2022 09:43

@WeeOrcadian it's pretty much 60/40 split between oh and her mum.

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 07/09/2022 10:30

Tell him your end date! Then find something to do from then on!

MeridianB · 07/09/2022 12:01

Completely understand your frustration, OP. And pretty shocked at your DP's attitude, plus assuming you would step in to cover his ex's childcare.

If you feel you want to do a limited amount without it creeping back then that sounds like a great compromise. But I wouldn't blame you if you stepped away completely.

Does he work very long hours/have a tough job? Does he do much to help at home/with your baby?

Ducksnotinarow · 07/09/2022 13:35

Wow that is shocking! Obviously when you get with someone who has kids you help out in terms of things in the house, but school runs/childcare are the parents responsibility. And the fact he offered to have his DC more days without consulting you then just expects you to pick up the extra workload is terrible.
I can see why they may think it makes sense for you to do school runs as you’re off work, but pregnancy is very tiring in the later stages and with countless sleepless nights once baby is here why should you have to wake up early to do a school run? Or rush back from somewhere to pick SC up?
I’d possibly offer a compromise of 1-2 days per week (if I felt I wanted to do it), but no way I would be doing that when SC has 2 parents and let’s face it, as a stepparent you don’t fit into that role in any other circumstance (it’s their kid/their choices, etc).
stand firm and enjoy your time with your new baby, the months fly by!

loudlylikealion · 07/09/2022 13:38

Obviously when you get with someone who has kids you help out in terms of things in the house I would argue even this isn't a given

Ducksnotinarow · 07/09/2022 13:42

loudlylikealion · 07/09/2022 13:38

Obviously when you get with someone who has kids you help out in terms of things in the house I would argue even this isn't a given

Let me clarify, I mean in terms of if you’re cooking meals, doing washing, cleaning bedrooms, etc - generally you would do for all, not say “it’s your kid”.

loudlylikealion · 07/09/2022 13:43

Ducksnotinarow · 07/09/2022 13:42

Let me clarify, I mean in terms of if you’re cooking meals, doing washing, cleaning bedrooms, etc - generally you would do for all, not say “it’s your kid”.

Show quote history

Nope. My DH cooks when his kids are here for all of us, I don't set foot in their bedroom and I definitely don't do their washing.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 07/09/2022 15:10

He sounds like a selfish twat who wants an easier life on the back of your unpaid labour. This is an important time for you to bond with baby not act as free child care to a selfish twat and his selfish ex. You are his wife not a fucking child minder.

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