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Original poster

ASC

67 replies

ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 18:13

I know I'm going to get some stick with this but I need to get it off my chest.

I'm so fed up.

I was only helping doing the breakfast and after school drop off and pick ups for SD just before and while I was pregnant to help out as it was on my way to and from work and timings were ok but now I've been lumpered with normal school hour drop off/pick ups permanently whilst on maternity leave and no doubt when I return back to work but for two 

I hate doing them. I hate that everyone expects me to do them and I hate how everyone says 'you know what you was getting yourself into'.

I hate I don't even get asked if I'm ok with doing any extra days (when mum needs a hand or oh just offers to have her) and it's just assumed I will do it.

I hate I have to rush in the mornings with a new baby and I'm resentful tbh that I can't just have my maternity to chill out and not worry about planning my days around school hours.

It's making me miserable everyday. I don't know what to do because really I have no reason not to do them 

For what it's worth I do 3 pick ups and 3/4 drop offs a week.

OP posts:
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loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 18:19

Have you tried saying no?

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 18:20

I don't mean that in a flippant way - have you genuinely said no. And what was the response? Because you should just be able to say no, you're doing a massive favour.

P.s. is ASC after school club?

Original poster
ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 18:28

@loudlylikealion yes it's after school club! No
I haven't turned around and just said no but I have tried to explain I don't want to do them and I do say how I hate doing them but it just gets brushed off.

But I guess as im off work I don't have any reason to say no in anyones eyes.

OP posts:
Catch21 · 06/09/2022 18:32

I know this isn't AIBU but YANBU. You are doing your DH a big favour and it sounds like he doesn't really appreciate it.

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 18:34

I have tried to explain I don't want to do them and I do say how I hate doing them but it just gets brushed off. by your OH? Because their other parent most certainly shouldn't be demanding anything of you.

I would try sitting calmly and saying you don't feel listened to, you will not be doing them any more. And give 2 weeks notice.

Buttingtons · 06/09/2022 18:37

You're doing them even when SD isn't with you?

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 06/09/2022 18:39

Sleep in tomorrow op. Then ask your dh - their df - how he is getting his dc to school..

Original poster
ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 18:42

@Buttingtons I have been asked plenty of times to do them on the days SD isn't with us but on these occasions I do just say no.

But my OH has offered to have her the two days she is usually at her mums without asking me if I am happy to do these extra school runs and just expects it. In this case I did say that wasn't fair and that I am not doing them and he is having to try and sort out other arrangements now.

OP posts:
MzHz · 06/09/2022 18:45

Yanbu.

this is not a YOU problem to fix. Sure you can be available to help on an emergency, but you’re not a childminder and it’s something either your H or his ex has to be first port of call.

MzHz · 06/09/2022 18:46

Give notice now. I’m no longer rostered for drop off/ pick ups. I can help occasionally as a last resort but not as a regular thing.

then make plans! Be unavailable

DuggeeHugPlease · 06/09/2022 18:50

I would really hate this too. I loved my first maternity leave and really made the most of the freedom. My second mat leave was sooo different because I had to plan everything around the school run and I didn't enjoy it nearly as much if I'm honest. I felt I was always clock watching and couldn't relax in the same way. Activities were also limited by having to be home by 2.30 to do school pick up.
I would feel very resentful doing that for someone else's children.

DuchessDarty · 06/09/2022 18:52

You have an OH problem.

Why are you reluctant to say no to him?

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 18:52

ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 18:42

@Buttingtons I have been asked plenty of times to do them on the days SD isn't with us but on these occasions I do just say no.

But my OH has offered to have her the two days she is usually at her mums without asking me if I am happy to do these extra school runs and just expects it. In this case I did say that wasn't fair and that I am not doing them and he is having to try and sort out other arrangements now.

Good. So he should

Original poster
ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 18:54

DuggeeHugPlease · 06/09/2022 18:50

I would really hate this too. I loved my first maternity leave and really made the most of the freedom. My second mat leave was sooo different because I had to plan everything around the school run and I didn't enjoy it nearly as much if I'm honest. I felt I was always clock watching and couldn't relax in the same way. Activities were also limited by having to be home by 2.30 to do school pick up.
I would feel very resentful doing that for someone else's children.

Thank you. I agree. It makes me sad really that I am not getting that freedom with my first baby Sad

OP posts:
lunar1 · 06/09/2022 18:55

Just say no, he can rearrange his work and fulfil his commitments to his child, and the extra time he's taken on. Maybe when it inconveniences him, he will think more carefully.

Original poster
ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 18:56

@DuchessDarty I guess I just feel bad watching him trying to sort out other childcare while I'm at home.

I could suggest after school club and then he could pick her up on some days I suppose.

OP posts:
Sellorkeep · 06/09/2022 18:59

You are not being unreasonable.
Draw your lines. Tell your DH that he cannot commit you to do childcare on behalf of his ex. Tricky ref school runs when the kids are with you as I don’t know how you divide the responsibilities - but given your DH is so bloody taking you for granted, a conversation is seriously needed.

forrestgreen · 06/09/2022 19:05

'Dh, I've been happy to step in and help with school runs etc but it's now being taken as read that it's my job. Sc is lovely but she's your and mums job to care for her so wef (2 weeks notice) I won't be able to before or after school club runs. '

Then don't get into an arguement about it. Be clear about your end date. And repeat 'I've given you both enough notice to sort care out, I've thought it through properly, please don't try to change my mind'

Don't give excuses, that's how they'll turn you around

Lilithslove · 06/09/2022 19:26

I wouldn't even give the 2 weeks notice. Just tell him he has to do it tomorrow or you will find that in 2 weeks he has arranged nothing. It won't change until it becomes his problem.

DuchessDarty · 06/09/2022 20:31

ijustdontknow1 · 06/09/2022 18:56

@DuchessDarty I guess I just feel bad watching him trying to sort out other childcare while I'm at home.

I could suggest after school club and then he could pick her up on some days I suppose.

I understand. It’s tricky. It’s good of you to help out and do school runs for your DSD, but you should only do so if fully willing and don’t feel taken advantage of. That’s not the case here as you are feeling resentful.

Given you feel bad not doing it and bad you do, is there a middle ground where you feel good that you are helping your DH and DSD by doing one or two school runs, but don’t feel your maternity leave is being so restricted?

EG saying you could do an afterschool pickup on X day, and/or a morning run on Y day, but can’t commit to more. Whatever works best round your baby’s routine. But that’s only if you want to and think that would make you happy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/09/2022 20:36

You need boundaries.

Well first you need to understand that your feelings are valid and important. Then you need boundaries.

If you get brushed aside you say, "maybe you don't understand. This is important and before I refuse to do any drop offs and pick ups I'm suggesting we work on a solution that suits everyone ". Subtext, you wouldn't like it if I just suited myself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/09/2022 20:37

Maternity leave is for the benefit of you and your baby. You have one child, one. He has two, he knew that would be the case when he planned a second and it’s his job to manage logistics.

Say no, you’re not an employee so you don’t need to give notice, and don’t feel at all bad about it.

You won’t get this time back! Enjoy it.

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 20:37

DuchessDarty · 06/09/2022 20:31

I understand. It’s tricky. It’s good of you to help out and do school runs for your DSD, but you should only do so if fully willing and don’t feel taken advantage of. That’s not the case here as you are feeling resentful.

Given you feel bad not doing it and bad you do, is there a middle ground where you feel good that you are helping your DH and DSD by doing one or two school runs, but don’t feel your maternity leave is being so restricted?

EG saying you could do an afterschool pickup on X day, and/or a morning run on Y day, but can’t commit to more. Whatever works best round your baby’s routine. But that’s only if you want to and think that would make you happy.

Show quote history

That sounds like a good idea. So if you do feel able commit to say 2 a week (only if you really don't mind though). But no more.

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 20:38

It's not good for anyone in the family for it to get to the stage that you start to feel resentful

Pleaseaddcaffine · 06/09/2022 21:17

Did you not sort this while pregnant? I said to my then dp, now split, I will not ever ever do school runs for dsc. I had a newborn, hideous pnd and lots of surgery recovery. Just no.
Just say no, end chat, no