Lost Myself

[KVBM]

Am I being selfish or is this a normal step-parent phase?
I've recently moved in with my partner who had a 5yo son - he's with us 4 days and his Mum 3. I feel like I have completely lost who I was and I'm wondering whether I have made the right decision moving in. I've lost friends, I don't sleep (5yo is constantly getting in our bed which means I'm awake until the next night), I don't take care of myself, and I no longer enjoy work in the way I used to due to having no energy whatsoever (I'm a teacher). I haven't spoken to my partner about how I'm feeling because he shuts down if anything is spoken about his son that isn't praise. What do I do? Has anyone been in this situation before? I feel like I've slotted into someone else's life and completely lost my own.

You need to set boundaries about your bed with your partner now. If the kid gets in bed with you, he is to return him and settle him so that your sleep is not affected. Allowing the kid in is sheer laziness on his behalf. Also remind him that you are not going to be “babysitting” and you will continue to make plans with friends, etc. He can make plans for his child and ASK you if it suits you to be included and if you are interested in joining. You won’t be responsible for school pick up or drop off as you will be busy with your own workload. His kid is HIS responsibility and you will be his partner, providing a support role only very occasionally if needed.

Can you elaborate more on the issues? Why have you lost friends and why is your work suffering? Especially if this is a recent change?

I say recent - it's been about 3/4 months. I thought I'd give it time for them both to get used to having another person in the house/family (perhaps why my stepson started getting in our bed - he never used to when I stayed overnight before moving in), but I'm starting to think that my patience has allowed for things to become habit. I think losing friends has outer issues as well, as I'm in my mid-twenties and my partners mid-thirties, so none of my friends have children/understand what it's like to have different priorities. My work is suffering mainly due to the lack of sleep - as a teacher I have to be on the ball constantly and I have found that I just don't have the energy to be my best self in work.

You are too young for this. I don't know why women in their 20s take on a man with children, it involves so much self sacrifice. Be young, have fun, those years don't come again. Either move out and live apart together, or look for a younger man to make a new life with.

A lot of mums speak about losing themselves when they have kids. I haven't heard it mention so much on step parenting boards but I imagine it's much the same in some ways.

The difference is to be a sp you need boundaries to ensure your life isn't engulfed... sleep deprivation is used as torture remember that.

Have you spoken to DP about 5 year old coming in and sleeping in same bed ? Is there anywhere you can sleep if he does come in ? Does he do the same at his mums ? He might be looking for extra comfort as he feels unsettled but as pp pointed out it's sheer laziness on your partners part not addressing it either by speaking to Dc and putting him back to bed.

This isn't a DSC problem so much as a DP problem. You need to carve out time for yourself, like any other mum, it's important to have space to do your own thing now and again.

I am a step mum and my kids have a step
Mum.

Why have you stopped seeing friends? Your routines and things you value dont need to stop. Or have you stopped due to low mood or depression?

It is a huge adjustment and its ok to be struggling. Id keep it simple. You aren't trying to be a family or a parent-that is something
That develops slowly over years organically. All you need to be is a positive supportive person in your step sons life. In the course of the next year you will both figure out what format that takes.

You just moved in, scale back. Drop the step parent expectations. You are dad's girlfriend. Take the pressure off.

And remember its on them to make it work as much as you.

It sounds like an awful lot of sacrifice on your part to be honest and you're only mid-twenties. I'd really think long and hard about what you are giving up and the reality of being a stepparent, it's more commonplace but that doesn't mean it works well for everyone.

You definitely need to set some boundaries here and hold on to yourself. it sounds like you’ve been completely subsumed by this relationship in unhealthy ways.

You can’t just slot into their life because you a person. Your partner has to make changes to accommodate you too. It doesn’t sound like that’s happening to the extent that it should.

You shouldn’t be losing friends. Your partner is older and has kids. But you are still young and have no children of your own. You should be seeing your friends etc. This is important.

Similarly boundaries like sleeping arrangements and expectations are important. You need rest and to feel comfortable. You need to be able to work effectively. If your partner’s son needs his dad to sleep with him, he should do it in the son’s bed (for example).

The most problematic thing is the difficulty in talking to your partner about his son and anything relating to that. You have to be able to raise issues with him. If he’s vetoing it, there is no way the relationship can possibly work.

Also, have a read of stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. It’ll be really helpful to help you to prioritise not losing yourself to this.

thank you so much, I'll absolutely order this book

What did your resident parent partner do for child care over the summer holidays, after you moved in?

he works from home so that wasn't a problem - I had him for two random days when he had to work away

I'm concerned about the power dynamic in your relationship. You're a teacher, so used to being in charge of 30 kids at once. If you're getting sucked under the whirlpool, heaven help a woman without your experience! Are you switching teacher mode off completely and operating in Little Woman mode when with your partner?

Hang on to your Human Rights:
dharmaspirit.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Personal-Bill-of-Rights_Handout.pdf

I was about to say the same. You are a super awesome teacher and you can handle 30 kids ! You need to let your partner know.

The child is 5 years old . He should be able to sleep through the night but this 4 day 3 day routine might be too much for him and cannot understand what is going on. May be he is really insecure at night and afraid his dad is going to disappear. So make the dad sleep in the same room as the child until he has settled down

I completely understand where you're coming from about him being overwhelmed, but the split week has been his routine since he was 18 months old so I'm not so sure - thank you so much though!

Are you determined to stay with your partner? Do you think he's the only man in the world who could ever make you happy? At your age honestly I would get out.

I agree with this. What you've described is a huge amount of sacrifice on your part, which I would not say is typical of life as a step parent (you sound like a first time parent, not a step parent), and which does not seem worth it for a man who refuses to even empathise and support you through that. He should be damn grateful and on hand to talk these things through with you, tbh.

Yes you could put boundaries in place that might make it more liveable but I would be reluctant to advise any of those as others have done because tbh, the honest answer is you should get out of this relationship. You're young, way too young to be losing friends and getting no joy out of your life, there are so many relationships out there that do not require you to feel this way, and with a partner that actually supports you.

The thing is you are in a job where you have to nurture and put other people first. There is a hell of a lot of work involved. Then you come home to a situation where your home isn't your own, your partner doesn't back you, you don't have a lot of free time - no wonder you are feeling down.

Can you envisage a life where are you live alone or with friends who supported you emotionally? Where are you have a future that you can direct and isn't directed by someone else, someone who won't even discuss things with you?

It seems you’ve changed names OP and are also you’llbefine?

You must be on school holidays or just finished, so when you say it’s been affecting your work for 3-4 months, but at least 2 of them you’ve not been at work.

You also don’t have the child 3 nights so that’s a a chance to get sleep. It doesn’t add really up that you’re so exhausted and sleep deprived from lack of physical sleep alone. It sounds like you’re depressed tbh.

The being woken by the 5 year old is not on and does need to be changed.
I think other posters are projecting though when they make out your DP is taking advantage of you. Nothing you’ve said suggests you’re being made to do childcare. But you don’t sound happy, and you deserve to be happy.

You also don’t have the child 3 nights so that’s a a chance to get sleep. It doesn’t add really up that you’re so exhausted and sleep deprived from lack of physical sleep alone. It sounds like you’re depressed tbh.

Eer I think most people would be pretty tired if they had broken sleep 4 nights a week.

And her DP may or may not be taking advantage of her, but he's certainly not supporting her through the negative toll of being with HIM.

At your age I would leave. I stayed with my ex 5.5 years and I totally lost myself. I was so far down the pecking order that by the end I felt like i had no value left. I would never do it again and I'm mid 30s so that narrows my pool a lot but it just isn't worth it to me.

Step parenting isn't like adopting a child. You generally have very limited control over your life or much ability to care for the child in the way you think appropriate.

You are young, there are still plenty of nice available men with no kids in tow, so you can build your own family in time and not be an extra to someone else's.

How much have you spoken to your partner about this - before moving in together, and now? It needs to be an ongoing chat, with lots of checking in and opportunities for you to share how you're feeling at any one time.

You've made huge changes to your life in comparison to your partner. Is this recognised or acknowledged at all? Do you have "safety valves" built into this new life - opportunities to be alone, recharge, pursue your interests, maintain friendships? If not, why not?

You are a person in your own right. Successful in your career, intelligent, caring, etc. You deserve all this in your relationship, and more. You do not deserve to disappear.

Yes people may be tired with 4 nights of broken sleep but come on, not exhausted to the point of their job suffering unless there’s other issues going on. Many of us have had to work with small children, smaller than 5 and still breastfeeding, and actively doing childcare. And we don’t get the summers off. Yet many cope without their job suffering. The OP has a much easier time of it in comparison. Harsh but true. I’m saying this because it really does sound like the OP is depressed.

You’re reaching to say he’s not supporting her from the little we’ve been told. He should be open to talking about his son and he should be settling the child at night in the child’s own bed. That’s all we have on him.

Broken sleep because of your own child in a situation where you can actually make some decisions is completely different. Here there is the additional stress of both being even consulted about any of it and not being allowed to show anything other than positive feelings about it.

That’s all abundantly clear from the OP.

If she’s depressed, it’s likely that the situation is causing it. And her partner needs to actually make room for her in his life rather than just moving in a nanny/housekeeper who must know her place and stay in her lane.

Yoire arguing against me but making my point for me @SudocremOnEverything Stress is the emotional side, it’s what I’m talking about. It’s not the physical sleep “deprivation”. Yes the situation is no doubt causing it, no shit, the OP is clearly unhappy.

That doesn’t mean it’s the partner’s fault. You’re talking out of your arse to make out her partner wants a nanny/housekeeper. May be the case but we’ve not been told that yet. The OP didn’t mention having to do childcare or housework except for 2 days out of the summer holiday. Which she wasn’t complaining about. 2 days out of 6 weeks is not using the OP as a nanny.

Yes people may be tired with 4 nights of broken sleep but come on, not exhausted to the point of their job suffering unless there’s other issues going on. Many of us have had to work with small children, smaller than 5 and still breastfeeding, and actively doing childcare. And we don’t get the summers off. Yet many cope without their job suffering. The OP has a much easier time of it in comparison. Harsh but true. I’m saying this because it really does sound like the OP is depressed.

Completely disagree, and I don't think the competitive "some people have it worse" is useful at all. It doesn't matter if some people have it worse, being kept awake 4 nights out of 7 is plenty enough to make someone generally pretty tired, it doesn't "not add up" at all.

You’re reaching to say he’s not supporting her from the little we’ve been told. He should be open to talking about his son and he should be settling the child at night in the child’s own bed. That’s all we have on him

Completely disagree on this, too, I'm not reaching at all. If he's not willing to talk to her about any of this and reacts badly to perceived criticism, then he's not supporting her with these issues. What else could that mean?