Lost Myself

[KVBM]

Am I being selfish or is this a normal step-parent phase?
I've recently moved in with my partner who had a 5yo son - he's with us 4 days and his Mum 3. I feel like I have completely lost who I was and I'm wondering whether I have made the right decision moving in. I've lost friends, I don't sleep (5yo is constantly getting in our bed which means I'm awake until the next night), I don't take care of myself, and I no longer enjoy work in the way I used to due to having no energy whatsoever (I'm a teacher). I haven't spoken to my partner about how I'm feeling because he shuts down if anything is spoken about his son that isn't praise. What do I do? Has anyone been in this situation before? I feel like I've slotted into someone else's life and completely lost my own.

can you decorate his room to make it super attractive that he wants to stay in his own room? e.g. dinosaurs, etc.. a tent..etc. glow in the dark things etc. ..everything that makes him not want to go to your boring bedroom ?

Reward him with a sticker for each night he sleeps in his bed and after 3 nights and 3 stickers, give him a small prize.

I love this idea - I bought him a nightlight a couple of weeks ago in the hopes that it would encourage him. It did for a few nights until around 4am each night when he would come to us! I feel as if it is all well good making the effort to get him to sleep in his own bed but if my DP doesn't make the same efforts, everything I try will be futile. I think I just need to sit him down and tell him that we either train him together or turn his room into my room😂😂

Completely disagree, and I don't think the competitive "some people have it worse" is useful at all. It doesn't matter if some people have it worse, being kept awake 4 nights out of 7 is plenty enough to make someone generally pretty tired, it doesn't "not add up" at all.

Of course it’s enough to make some “pretty tired” but not usually as exhausted as the OP said. And tied in with that is my point that the OP won’t have been at work for the past 6-8 weeks so I’m not sure how she can say, present tense, it’s been making her continuously exhausted at work when she hasn’t been there. @youllbefine ??

@youllbefine you’re right your DP should be taking the lead on getting the boy to sleep in his bed. He should be doing all the work, unless you volunteer.

Glad you’re going to speak to your DP about it.

But you also have to ask yourself, even if the sleep situation changes, will you be happy with your new lifestyle? It’s a huge change, and if it doesn’t suit you, that’s OK.

just because pupils aren't in doesn't mean staff aren't - out of the 6 weeks we've had, I've had 2 off

Only two weeks off in the summer is unusual for teachers isn’t it. My DP’s a teacher. They and their colleagues at both present and past schools have always had at least four weeks of not more properly off.
How come you were having to work most of the holiday even if the pupils were off? Do you not think that contributed to your exhaustion too?

@Toit various reasons (changing classrooms, helping another MoS change move into his new room, clear out of stockroom, etc). I'm not saying that my DSS is the sole reason of my exhaustion, but knowing how work has been and how this won't help should be another reason to encourage him staying in his own bed? I feel that my hands are tied as I am prepared to try anything but at the end of the day, I'm not the parent.

I think you need to make it clear to your partner that this situation isn't ok and that he needs to put strategies in place.

If she’s in Scotland, she’ll have been back at work since mid August.

not all teachers have the same holidays.

Why are you with a man 10 years older with a child?

same reason a lot of people are with people who have children, I'm not sure what your point is? Are you saying that it's my own stupid fault for meeting a single parent or are you saying that if I met someone my own age with a child, the child would sleep soundly with no trouble?

@youllbefine you don't have to justify that your tired/exhausted or working to anyone op.

A situation can make you tired. It doesn't have to be a big thing but a series of little things that actually feels like a very big impact when lumped all together. I get it.

If DP doesn't take onboard what your saying (and it sounds like he hasn't so far based on what you have posted). Your far far to young to be settling for someone who will not act when your unhappy.

I haven't spoken to my partner about how I'm feeling because he shuts down if anything is spoken about his son that isn't praise.

This doesn't sound good - a partnership is about working together and supporting each other - not him disregarding you when you voice your opinions. The ten year age gap doesn't sound great either. You feel like you've totally lost yourself - i'm not surprised. I'd be off.

Moving in isn't right for everyone. Maybe too soon and later is better? Sounds like you were happier before so go back, reclaim yourself life and see your bf/stay over as you did before.

Of course it’s enough to make some “pretty tired” but not usually as exhausted as the OP said.

That's entirely subjective. Perhaps you don't naturally need much sleep, but if I was awake for half the night for four days I would feel exhausted. I might feel a little better if I had a big lie in on the three days, but during the four days at least, I would feel exhausted.

I think you've made the mistake in acting as a second parent to the child. You are still free and able to go out and about. Yes you have a child living in the house but this child isn't your responsibility. You are not burdened by the parenting. As for the child getting into your bed, I would absolutely put a stop to this and ask your partner to return him to his own bed. It's inappropriate to say the least.

There's a lot of politics involved in being a stepmother. That's exhausting all by itself. It is not just you, the dp and the child involved here. There's the child's mother in the shadows playing a massive role.

It sounds like you may be the first gf to move in with dp after his split with the child's mother. If so, factor in that it is a time of change and insecurity for her, just as much as her son. Another woman is going to play Mum to her child. Many DMs on MN seem to react to this particular change by getting very protective of the child and co-sleeping when they didn't before. This then results in pressure on Dad to co-sleep (competitive parenting), and the next thing you know this is still the case when the child is 9! Other people who've ridden out these changes may be able to advise on specifics, but all I can say is what I've observed here, and people not finding it at all easy to handle.

I can’t really see what’s in this for you. You’re so young. You could go and find a partner who will make you his priority and you can have your own children.

I’ve been exactly where you are now and I wish I’d run when I had the chance.

I know. Doesn’t make a difference though as the holidays would start 2 weeks or so earlier. So same amount of around 6 weeks within the last 3-4 months. Although the OP said she only had 2 weeks off, but working most of those other 4 weeks would have essentially been non-directed, that is by choice.
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You're in you're mid-twenties, if I were you I'd leave this situation for a partner who is at a similar life stage as you, preferably with no DC.

You're too young and (should be) free to be involved in this malarkey, which only gets worse as time goes on. Get out now.

why does he keep waking up at 4 am in the night ?

What time does he have dinner ? If he is having it too early, maybe he is waking up hungry ? Is he thirsty ?

Is the room too hot for him ? My son wakes up when it is too hot.
I know this sounds like crazy, but have you checked him for worms ? I've read that kids who have worms have restless nights sleeping because it is itchy ! (may be other mums can shed light on this )

Look at the environment of the room he is sleeping in to see if there is a trigger.

Does he fall asleep easily ?

I would leave. Believe me, it will be so much easier for you to meet someone without kids and start your own family (if you do want children). Don’t expect that bringing your own child into this will make it easier either - a friend of mine is currently realising that.

My DP let his DS 9 come into our bed last night despite me having an infected, throbbing foot (gross, I know). I ended up hanging off the edge of the bed listening to two snoring boys so had to get on the couch. Think I had around 4 hours sleep. That’s one night. But on top of everything else that comes with a bitter NRP, I think I’m done. If I was in my twenties, I would not even consider a single dad. Don’t even care if that sounds harsh, there’s so much cr*p that comes with it.

This was me 45 years ago. Same job same age gap same aged child
It didn’t work ( for many other reasons as well including emotional and financial abuse)
I wish I’d left earlier than I did as it has negatively affected me ( and the child involved) all of my life.
Id advise really careful and soul searching to make sure it’s absolutely what you want to do as it may not get any easier

What do I do

Move out again pronto. This will never get better. Life shouldn't be so hard, that you have to fight your partner for your very survival while he tries to shut you down.

And he is ten years older. Nope.

No relationship could be worth that