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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband as a daughter from an ex-relationship

72 replies

TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 21:29

My husband (28) of a year and I (27) have twin girls on the way, I'm 33+6 today, and I feel like I'm about to fall apart. His ex has got in contact with his mum, and told us that they have a daughter together, the daughter is nearly four - there is no overlap between relationships (they broke up before she knew, and she never said anything). They broke up due to both moving away from their uni city, and never had much reason to be in contact.
This news came to us a few days ago and we're both completely in shock. Despite what he says, I'm worried about him being there for me when the twins come, because of this new aspect. His ex is moving to our town for work and actively wants him (and I) to be involved in his daughter's life, and is pushing for us to meet her this week. I'm excited for him, and us as a family, but I also feel completely overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. This pregnancy has been horrific for me, and I felt like I was coming out of the woods in terms of my anxiety, when this happened. I don't know how to be a step mum, I'm not even a mum yet.
Where do I go from here? Obviously this changes nothing between me and my husband, but I don’t know how to support him through this, how to not be too full on, I don’t know if this means that we have to get everything for a young child as well as twins, who could be here in anything from a few days to a couple of weeks. Where do I turn from here? How do I make sure I don't step on his ex's toes, while also being active in this new relationship that my husband needs to navigate?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 01/09/2022 21:32

Aw, you sound like a genuinely caring, thoughtful person. I think that’s all you need, really.

DecorateTheTree · 01/09/2022 21:35

We all have baggage. I’d see what sort of input she wants, whether ££ or him spending time with his child.
I know a woman who’s now ex had an affair and a kid and she welcomes this kid into the family and says what ever she feels for her ex and this OW it’s not the child’s fault.
you have to do what’s right for you and him as a family

Original poster
TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 21:38

DecorateTheTree · 01/09/2022 21:35

We all have baggage. I’d see what sort of input she wants, whether ££ or him spending time with his child.
I know a woman who’s now ex had an affair and a kid and she welcomes this kid into the family and says what ever she feels for her ex and this OW it’s not the child’s fault.
you have to do what’s right for you and him as a family

She doesn't seem to want money, she's known all along the child was his (they're the spitting image of each other, and it makes me excited to see our girls when they arrive, selfish I know, but it does), and they were very much exclusive - the dates work out to be his child, yet she's never asked for child support, she has a very good career and she doesn't appear to be after money now.
I think she's reached out because she's moving to our small town and it was almost inevitable we'd bump into each other, nothing malicious happened in the break up.
I'm hoping it works out to us all having a relationship, but I don’t know how I navigate this

OP posts:
Greenbks · 01/09/2022 21:43

Op that is such a shock for you both and I commend you for already being such a great support. Whether you know it or not

hopefully someone with more experience will comment but I have a feeling from reading your messages you are going to be an amazing mother and stepmother

Player001 · 01/09/2022 21:47

There's no one size fits all for being a step parent. No one knows how to be one until they are.

I have a great relationship with my step kids mother because we both worked at it. We don't have any feelings of jealousy or animosity and our only goal and focus is the happiness, well being and stability of the children. Also helps that we are both mature enough to understand that each other is a real person with feelings.

My advice is to let your DH take the lead and be there to support him as he will be having all sorts of emotions swirling around. And communicate, communicate, communicate! Both with each other and with the child's mother.

Best of luck.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 01/09/2022 21:53

Firstly I think it is great she wants to meet and involve both of you and not just your husband. Secondly there is nothing to worry about being a stepmum. You need to do nothing right now. You have to meet the mum and chat, then meet the child and it will be a long time before the mum asks either of you i am sure to take the child alone. Do it slowly and together, I have been in a similar situation so I know that slow and steady is for the best. Any issues you all have as adults do not discuss in front of this child, only to each other. Make the atmosphere nice for this child who is about to welcome new family into her life too and that is huge for her. It may work out and it may not. It did in our circumstances but just slow is all I am saying.

Best of luck with your own pregnancy too going forward.

lunar1 · 01/09/2022 21:55

I really think a dna test should be done before he meets her. At least that bit of doubt would be resolved first.

Original poster
TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 21:58

lunar1 · 01/09/2022 21:55

I really think a dna test should be done before he meets her. At least that bit of doubt would be resolved first.

Maybe I'm just being naive, but I really don't doubt that she's his - they look a spitting image of each other, and the dates do line up (she was eight weeks when she found out, three weeks after the breakup), and DH says there was no infidelity, they broke up because distance etc didn't work out as a young couple - they were both heading into their first "real" jobs and ended it mutually, but if he thinks a DNA test is needed I'll support that, but I don't want to push for it to seem like a witch who doesn't trust her before it's begun

OP posts:
decayingmatter · 01/09/2022 22:00

So selfish and odd of her to deprive him of the knowledge that he had become a parent then spring it on him 4 years later. Why did she not tell him in the first place?

lunar1 · 01/09/2022 22:01

Some mistrust is earned, she has kept his dd a secret for years.

drpet49 · 01/09/2022 22:02

I’d be very wary of her motives. After all she kept her daughter a secret from the father for 4 years! I wouldn’t trust her at all.

aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2022 22:03

I don't agree that everyone is baggage - it's not a given for people in their 20s and I wouldn't blame you if some of the many feelings you're feeling right now are annoyance and anger. It's a really unfair thing to be forced to accept without choice, and tbh I think the mum has behaved pretty reprehensibly by not mentioning it until now. She should have been honest from the start.

I would advise you not to put your feelings last and bottle up any negative feelings you have about this. Your DH needs to be there to support you, not just the other way around.

In terms of being a step parent, don't stress yourself about this. If she's got any decency, it should be a long time before you need to have the little girl overnight and have a room for her etc. You should be able to just take it slow and get to know her without that pressure. And you should also be able to focus primarily on your pregnancy and becoming a first time mum. Don't neglect yourself and let that be pushed aside by anyone!

weekendninja · 01/09/2022 22:05

I'd be wary of this.

She's kept the DC secret for 4 years; that is crazy and extremely damaging.

Original poster
TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 22:06

decayingmatter · 01/09/2022 22:00

So selfish and odd of her to deprive him of the knowledge that he had become a parent then spring it on him 4 years later. Why did she not tell him in the first place?

I'm hoping her reasoning will become clear, especially with her choice to come clean right now, I'm essentially at the crunch point of my own pregnancy.
DH has admitted he is heartbroken, he feels horrible that he has missed so much of his daughter's life, and he's fallen in love with her through the few pictures and videos he's seen. He's told me he has conflicting feelings about our girls arriving (which I understand, he's missed out on a huge part of his daughter's life, he never got that chance and now he's being presented with this all so soon after finding out), which is heartbreaking to me, but I want to keep it together for him.
I hope this is all genuine, that she wants her child's father to be in her life, but right now everything feels very raw and real.

OP posts:
Blueberrywitch · 01/09/2022 22:07

Such a shock for you but I hope you’re a wonderful step parent, I am so grateful to my lovely step mum for being so kind and welcoming to me. You can be a fantastic presence in her life and facilitate her relationship with her dad, and her sisters, and make her feel included and loved, and I hope you do, despite the unexpected shock!

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2022 22:08

Wow. I really feel for you. DNA test first. He’d be insane not to.

And equal first, you are enormously pregnant, have had a tough pregnancy, are about to be a mum to two babies and that’s enough for now.

What she’s done is truly appalling, so unfair on her child and your husband, she’s stolen years of a relationship from both of them.

I’m sure your heads are spinning but there’s a limit to what you can handle at any one time and I’d let him mull this over while you both focus on getting through the rest of your pregnancy and plan for your arrivals.

Rtmhwales · 01/09/2022 22:14

I'd also ask for a DNA test. We did one for my ex husband (still married at the time) when we split up and he decided he wanted a divorce. I'd moved across the world at the point I discovered I was pregnant. Even though there were no doubts on either end and the baby looked like him I suggested a DNA test just to put that query out of mind immediately.

Can you have a sit down with your husband and explain you understand this is a huge shock and he's been robbed of his daughter's first years, you're willing and able to be supportive of them and you building a relationship, but that you also need him to be supportive of your pregnancy and the twins' upcoming birth and childhood? And that while it may sting doing things with them whilst having missed out on her early childhood, he needs to be extra cognizant of not missing out or penalizing his twin daughters for something he had no part in.

edel2 · 01/09/2022 22:16

decayingmatter · 01/09/2022 22:00

So selfish and odd of her to deprive him of the knowledge that he had become a parent then spring it on him 4 years later. Why did she not tell him in the first place?

This. So so unfair.

aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2022 22:23

DH has admitted he is heartbroken, he feels horrible that he has missed so much of his daughter's life, and he's fallen in love with her through the few pictures and videos he's seen. He's told me he has conflicting feelings about our girls arriving (which I understand, he's missed out on a huge part of his daughter's life, he never got that chance and now he's being presented with this all so soon after finding out), which is heartbreaking to me, but I want to keep it together for him.

Tbh I think this is pretty low of your DH, he shouldn't be telling you at this crucial stage that he has conflicting problems about the children you've produced together because he's fallen in love with a few pictures following this shock. How are you supposed to feel about that? I think he needs to be careful not to use you as his support crutch and remember that YOU need support right now.

ThePumpkinPatch · 01/09/2022 22:26

Wow. I'd be a mess of emotions.

I would never ever normally encourage dishonesty or secrecy but I'm just pointing out that I don't think a paternity DNA test would require the mother's knowledge necessarily? Maybe there are special permissions relating to the birth certificate but I'd strongly advise it be done either way! They may look alike but DNA can shock you sometimes and without intending to point fingers, IF she was unsure of the paternity of the child, that would go some way to explain why she kept him in the dark so long. Perhaps she wasn't sure?

Greenybluetowel · 01/09/2022 22:26

Do you think she has got in touch as you are pregnant? I think you sound lovely and the child is the only one that matters here BUT stay a bit guarded with the DM until you can suss the situation. She has after all kept her secret for 5 years removing you DH from being involved from the start and getting to know his child growing up and now waltzes in as it convenient because she is moving home. She didn't even contact him but his DM? Don't allow everything going forward to be on her terms but do compromise and negotiate. Good luck you will be a lovely Stepmother and Mother to your twins

Bananarama21 · 01/09/2022 22:31

I'd worry about her hidden agenda tbh take a real piece of work to hide a secret child then suddenly come out of the wood work when your pregnant especially when they didn't part.of bad terms.

Original poster
TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 22:31

aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2022 22:23

DH has admitted he is heartbroken, he feels horrible that he has missed so much of his daughter's life, and he's fallen in love with her through the few pictures and videos he's seen. He's told me he has conflicting feelings about our girls arriving (which I understand, he's missed out on a huge part of his daughter's life, he never got that chance and now he's being presented with this all so soon after finding out), which is heartbreaking to me, but I want to keep it together for him.

Tbh I think this is pretty low of your DH, he shouldn't be telling you at this crucial stage that he has conflicting problems about the children you've produced together because he's fallen in love with a few pictures following this shock. How are you supposed to feel about that? I think he needs to be careful not to use you as his support crutch and remember that YOU need support right now.

I understand why he feels that way, it's his daughter he's missed out on, but part of me feels very selfishly upset that everything with out girls now feels tainted, it was his first but it shouldn't have been his first, he should have experienced this. It feels like a very sad household tonight, we had consultant appointments and scans to get through before we could talk about it, and I think we both feel a little blindsided.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2022 22:36

I understand why he feels that way, it's his daughter he's missed out on, but part of me feels very selfishly upset that everything with out girls now feels tainted, it was his first but it shouldn't have been his first, he should have experienced this. It feels like a very sad household tonight, we had consultant appointments and scans to get through before we could talk about it, and I think we both feel a little blindsided.

It is understandable that he would have these feelings, but a bit much to be putting those feelings on you, his heavily pregnant wife who has just had this dropped on you. I think he needs to be mindful not to think only of himself and emotionally offload onto you.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 01/09/2022 22:39

I’m not convinced your DH didn’t know about this child. I absolutely know that it does happen years down the line, but for a couple who split amicably it just seems a coincidence that she has suddenly got in touch with his mother just before you’re about to give birth.

I’m wondering whether he has found out and because he’s not responded she’s gone to his mother knowing that she would, or whether he’s known all along and has stopped paying maintenance hence why she’s contacted his mother.

If she genuinely has only just come out of the woodwork then that is pretty despicable. But tbh I am suspicious of your dh.