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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband as a daughter from an ex-relationship

72 replies

TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 21:29

My husband (28) of a year and I (27) have twin girls on the way, I'm 33+6 today, and I feel like I'm about to fall apart. His ex has got in contact with his mum, and told us that they have a daughter together, the daughter is nearly four - there is no overlap between relationships (they broke up before she knew, and she never said anything). They broke up due to both moving away from their uni city, and never had much reason to be in contact.
This news came to us a few days ago and we're both completely in shock. Despite what he says, I'm worried about him being there for me when the twins come, because of this new aspect. His ex is moving to our town for work and actively wants him (and I) to be involved in his daughter's life, and is pushing for us to meet her this week. I'm excited for him, and us as a family, but I also feel completely overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. This pregnancy has been horrific for me, and I felt like I was coming out of the woods in terms of my anxiety, when this happened. I don't know how to be a step mum, I'm not even a mum yet.
Where do I go from here? Obviously this changes nothing between me and my husband, but I don’t know how to support him through this, how to not be too full on, I don’t know if this means that we have to get everything for a young child as well as twins, who could be here in anything from a few days to a couple of weeks. Where do I turn from here? How do I make sure I don't step on his ex's toes, while also being active in this new relationship that my husband needs to navigate?

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 22:45

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 01/09/2022 22:39

I’m not convinced your DH didn’t know about this child. I absolutely know that it does happen years down the line, but for a couple who split amicably it just seems a coincidence that she has suddenly got in touch with his mother just before you’re about to give birth.

I’m wondering whether he has found out and because he’s not responded she’s gone to his mother knowing that she would, or whether he’s known all along and has stopped paying maintenance hence why she’s contacted his mother.

If she genuinely has only just come out of the woodwork then that is pretty despicable. But tbh I am suspicious of your dh.

I really don't want to believe anything but his version of events, that he didn't know anything, I think finding out about anything like that would ruin me, it's likely to be a very difficult birth as it is, let alone with this on top.
I know he hasn't been paying any maintenance at all, we each have our own savings but one joint account for everything, we're both very transparent in our finances (and very lucky to be in a good financial position right now)
I have no idea why she picked now, really

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2022 22:50

Greenybluetowel · 01/09/2022 22:26

Do you think she has got in touch as you are pregnant? I think you sound lovely and the child is the only one that matters here BUT stay a bit guarded with the DM until you can suss the situation. She has after all kept her secret for 5 years removing you DH from being involved from the start and getting to know his child growing up and now waltzes in as it convenient because she is moving home. She didn't even contact him but his DM? Don't allow everything going forward to be on her terms but do compromise and negotiate. Good luck you will be a lovely Stepmother and Mother to your twins

The child is not the only person who matters here at all. OP matters. She and the babies should be her husband’s sole priority right now.

I agree with Sofa that his take on this isn’t helpful or considerate at all.

It’s not his fault his ex is a traitorous nightmare but it’s up to him how he chooses to navigate things from here on in and putting his turmoil onto his heavily pregnant stressed to bits wife is awful.

saraclara · 01/09/2022 23:00

he shouldn't be telling you at this crucial stage that he has conflicting problems about the children you've produced together because he's fallen in love with a few pictures following this shock.

Absolutely this.

It sounds as though he's lost interest completely in the children who were supposed to be his first babies. And I'd find that devastating.

The timing is awful, it really is. The mother's decision to tell him mow has even more far ranging effects than it would otherwise have had.

Sandra1984 · 01/09/2022 23:02

The ex is quite unhinged it seems. Not only she hid her daughter for 4 years but now she drops the bomb at the worst worst possible time. Couldn’t she have waited 6 more months? I mean… she’s been gone four years, Why drop the bomb when OP is about to give birth. Weird and selfish. This lady is bad news.

Original poster
TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 23:09

saraclara · 01/09/2022 23:00

he shouldn't be telling you at this crucial stage that he has conflicting problems about the children you've produced together because he's fallen in love with a few pictures following this shock.

Absolutely this.

It sounds as though he's lost interest completely in the children who were supposed to be his first babies. And I'd find that devastating.

The timing is awful, it really is. The mother's decision to tell him mow has even more far ranging effects than it would otherwise have had.

I hope that it's temporary, that it's just his reaction to the news, but the longer he goes on (he's inconsolable, on the phone to his mum and insistent that we meet her as soon as possible), the more worried I am that he's going to check out completely. At the moment I'm going to appointments every two days, and I could be induced or sent for a c-section at any time, things are really risky for this pregnancy. I feel like I'm just being selfish for worrying he won't be there, but he's falling apart at the idea of having missed the firsts with his daughter

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2022 23:13

I feel like I'm just being selfish for worrying he won't be there, but he's falling apart at the idea of having missed the firsts with his daughter

Put any thoughts of you being selfish out of your mind, you've been very understanding. It might be forgivable given the shock of the discovery, but if anything your DH is being selfish towards you here.

tortiecat · 01/09/2022 23:17

I'll echo what pp have said - your DH needs to put you first at this crucial stage in your life together and in your pregnancy. That's not to say that he shouldn't do the right thing by this little girl, and you sound absolutely lovely and like you will support him in that, but whilst he has a lot to get his head around (assuming she is his, and he didn't know) you and your twins are the priority right now and he needs to do all he can to listen to you and support you, not check out. I hope that all will be well with your pregnancy and that your girls arrive safely. Pregnancy is difficult enough without such a bombshell, please take care of yourself.

Redburnett · 01/09/2022 23:20

I suggest your DH should maintain a distance from his ex and DC until well after your twins are born and you and he are well settled into parenthood. You and the twins should be his priority at this stage. It is not his fault he was deprived of the chance to know his other child for the first few years. Given that is the situation and given your situation I would suggest that he has only minimal occasional contact. In your position I would resist getting involved as much as possible and focus on your own and your twins needs. I am deeply suspicious of the timing of this revelation when the ex has had years to tell your DH. I realise this my sound callous but the older I get the more sceptical I become about motives.

Greenybluetowel · 01/09/2022 23:24

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2022 22:50

The child is not the only person who matters here at all. OP matters. She and the babies should be her husband’s sole priority right now.

I agree with Sofa that his take on this isn’t helpful or considerate at all.

It’s not his fault his ex is a traitorous nightmare but it’s up to him how he chooses to navigate things from here on in and putting his turmoil onto his heavily pregnant stressed to bits wife is awful.

Show quote history

I was referring to the situation not the new babies or the OP herself as I was casting doubt on the DM and her motives for coming forward now. In the "situation" of who, why, when etc.only the child matters at the end of the day.

Original poster
TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 23:26

My final update of the night, I'm heartbroken and can hardly see through the tears
After a long discussion with his mum on the phone, he's left to "clear his head", he'll be staying with his mum because he can't be in the house at the moment. My best friend is on her way to sit with me for the night, and in the morning I'll be booking us urgent couples and individual therapy, but right now I'm broken by this entire thing

OP posts:
Petronus · 01/09/2022 23:28

There are so many twins threads at the moment.

bloodyplanes · 01/09/2022 23:45

TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 23:26

My final update of the night, I'm heartbroken and can hardly see through the tears
After a long discussion with his mum on the phone, he's left to "clear his head", he'll be staying with his mum because he can't be in the house at the moment. My best friend is on her way to sit with me for the night, and in the morning I'll be booking us urgent couples and individual therapy, but right now I'm broken by this entire thing

Wow!! He is a disgusting, selfish pig op! His ex isn't to be trusted at all, she kept this all a secret for years and then drops it just as you are about to have twins! You need to just concentrate on yourself and your babies, I feel for you I really do.

blisstwins · 01/09/2022 23:55

Fellow twin parent—your feelings are so normal and you are so vulnerable at the moment, emotionally and physically. Your husband may be overwhelmed, but he is being a selfish twit. Leaving your home to go to his mothers? What? I feel like shame on her for letting him come back and be away from you. Not being there for his eldest daughter will not be fixed by neglecting your pregnancy and these daughters.
and there is something wildly wrong and gross about the ex who hid the child’s existence——I don’t even have words.

Sandra1984 · 01/09/2022 23:55

It’s official: your husband is a douche. He should be at home taking care of you. Mum should have kept her mouth shut till after babies are born and not add more stress to the situation. OP: I feel for you. Big hug.

Sandra1984 · 01/09/2022 23:57

I mean HIS mum should have kept her mouth shut.

saraclara · 02/09/2022 00:06

That escalated quickly.

tortiecat · 02/09/2022 00:10

Er, what?! What a dick. I'm so relieved your friend will be with you tonight Flowers Your head must be spinning but try and put him and his nonsense out of your head, don't try and second guess what he is thinking or feeling, harden your heart and make sure you get some rest for your babies tonight x

YellowPlumbob · 02/09/2022 00:14

You can’t afford to be naive and believe her word.

This is a woman who kept a living, breathing human being a fucking secret for 4 years and then rocks up just as your due? Nah. She’s given your DH zero reason to trust her.

Science is your friend here.

This could be fucking catastrophic. She could ruin your lives and the child ends up not being his.

If she pulls any shit and you have a DNA test - get one that’s approved by courts in whatever country you’re in - no actual court needed, for this, but there will be a list of what they consider reputable labs somewhere - then DH can go straight to court to gain PR and keep his child in his life.

Don't be a fool. For the sake of your twins.

Lisacrimplier · 02/09/2022 00:45

drpet49 · 01/09/2022 22:02

I’d be very wary of her motives. After all she kept her daughter a secret from the father for 4 years! I wouldn’t trust her at all.

100%

Crumpleton · 02/09/2022 01:05

Something isn't right here.
Your husband has left his wife, pregnant at that with his twins due to be born very soon because he can't get his head round having a daughter he never knew he had and has never met.
His mother knows something or at the very least she should have sent him straight back to you.

MissingNashville · 02/09/2022 01:08

saraclara · 02/09/2022 00:06

That escalated quickly.

Didn’t it just. And twins too. Wow!

Smilingwithfangs · 02/09/2022 01:08

I’m so sorry OP that must be an enormous kick in the teeth
I’d have hoped his mum would have sent him straight back to you to face up to responsibilities to you and his babies.
I can see why he is in a spin but he could have shut the door (metaphorically) on his ex and long lost daughter for now to give you both time to breathe and focus on getting your pregnancy and delivery safely completed.
im not sure I could forgive him this in your situation but for now lean on your friend and focus on the fact you will meet your beautiful babies very soon who need you so much and will love you unconditionally.

i wonder if there is more to his back story with this ex. Did he know she was pregnant but was told she had a termination and that’s why this is causing so much regret and reaction?

whatever, he had lost sight of what matters to him in the reality he is living right now and I truly hope for your sake time grounds him back in it.

tsttst · 02/09/2022 04:05

Has it occured to any one that the child is now 4 , and going to school, and at school that's when the draw pictures of families, talk about familes and dad's and she is asking questions about dad...

tsttst · 02/09/2022 04:08

also, we don't know what type of man the husband was when he was with the ex girlfriend. May be he was a real jerk. We don't know what went on. and that he has left you when heavily pregnant shows what a jerk he is now.

I'm really sorry for you OP. Stay strong. You are stronger than you think and you will be OK in the end.

botleybump · 02/09/2022 05:53

TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 01/09/2022 21:29

My husband (28) of a year and I (27) have twin girls on the way, I'm 33+6 today, and I feel like I'm about to fall apart. His ex has got in contact with his mum, and told us that they have a daughter together, the daughter is nearly four - there is no overlap between relationships (they broke up before she knew, and she never said anything). They broke up due to both moving away from their uni city, and never had much reason to be in contact.
This news came to us a few days ago and we're both completely in shock. Despite what he says, I'm worried about him being there for me when the twins come, because of this new aspect. His ex is moving to our town for work and actively wants him (and I) to be involved in his daughter's life, and is pushing for us to meet her this week. I'm excited for him, and us as a family, but I also feel completely overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. This pregnancy has been horrific for me, and I felt like I was coming out of the woods in terms of my anxiety, when this happened. I don't know how to be a step mum, I'm not even a mum yet.
Where do I go from here? Obviously this changes nothing between me and my husband, but I don’t know how to support him through this, how to not be too full on, I don’t know if this means that we have to get everything for a young child as well as twins, who could be here in anything from a few days to a couple of weeks. Where do I turn from here? How do I make sure I don't step on his ex's toes, while also being active in this new relationship that my husband needs to navigate?

A real shock for you both I'm sure, and this next few months of adjustment with twins and an older child will be full of challenges and adventures for you - some of which you've been planning for, and others you've just discovered.

On the face of it, the situation sounds like an opportunity, though understandably one you'll have a lot of emotions about. Take the time to process.

I don't have much more to say other than that I became a step mum to a four year old at 31 after spending my dating life 'not being sure about putting up with somebody else's kids' and I love him to bits! Four is such a great age as they're still very open to the world being different, and are more curious than surly. It helped that his parents had separated when he was one, so two homes was all he'd known I'm sure.

Best of luck to you on this journey, and for the twins!
Take the time for yourself to process, and as a couple, and have a good think about your boundaries around the parenting relationship - for all of you.