Page 3 | Husband as a daughter from an ex-relationship

TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 2022-09-01T20:29:24+00:00

My husband (28) of a year and I (27) have twin girls on the way, I'm 33+6 today, and I feel like I'm about to fall apart. His ex has got in contact with his mum, and told us that they have a daughter together, the daughter is nearly four - there is no overlap between relationships (they broke up before she knew, and she never said anything). They broke up due to both moving away from their uni city, and never had much reason to be in contact. This news came to us a few days ago and we're both completely in shock. Despite what he says, I'm worried about him being there for me when the twins come, because of this new aspect. His ex is moving to our town for work and actively wants him (and I) to be involved in his daughter's life, and is pushing for us to meet her this week. I'm excited for him, and us as a family, but I also feel completely overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. This pregnancy has been horrific for me, and I felt like I was coming out of the woods in terms of my anxiety, when this happened. I don't know how to be a step mum, I'm not even a mum yet. Where do I go from here? Obviously this changes nothing between me and my husband, but I don’t know how to support him through this, how to not be too full on, I don’t know if this means that we have to get everything for a young child as well as twins, who could be here in anything from a few days to a couple of weeks. Where do I turn from here? How do I make sure I don't step on his ex's toes, while also being active in this new relationship that my husband needs to navigate?

buzzbuzzybuzz · 02/09/2022 06:30

He's done what?! Has he forgotten he has 2 other children to think about here? He needs to grow up.

boatahoy · 02/09/2022 07:34

I wouldn't trust his ex and be requesting a DNA test. Why keep little girl a secret for 4 years and decide to tell you now as you are preparing to give birth to twins. She deprived him of the joy of his first daughters (if she is his daughter) birth and is now putting all this on him as he is preparing for his first twin daughters births. It just seems so nasty and vindictive. And why go to his Mum with this - she kept the secret for 4 years why not a little longer, why tell him now. I wish you all the best OP, you sound lovely.

RedHelenB · 02/09/2022 07:39

So he's potentially going to miss out on his dts too?
I'd be firm, say you understand that this is a big shock but your dts aren't, they were planned and are nearly here so it's not the time to check out. He can have a relationship with all his children

Original poster

TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 02/09/2022 08:18

Did he know she was pregnant but was told she had a termination and that’s why this is causing so much regret and reaction?

So, yes, it was this. She'd told him, after they'd broken up, that she'd had an abortion. He's always wanted a family, and was apparently heartbroken at hearing that.
He's home, being kept very far away from me by my friend, but he's home. I'm going to put my foot down and get a DNA test, just to be sure. I'm also going to make sure DH gets some therapy, because I'm not at all happy he left us last night, but for now we have bigger things to focus on. I've asked his mum to keep his ex away from us until such time as the twins are here, home and healthy (which could be a number of weeks). If, after they're here, DH wants to meet her, we'll go from there. I'm not closing the door for him, I'm just making sure I'm put first until the twins are here, he can FaceTime her, speak to her, go and meet her all he wants, but I don't want any contact until the babies are here (hopefully that's the right thing to do!), and once they are, we can cross the bridge of becoming a blended family together

OP posts:

Herejustforthisone · 02/09/2022 09:44

Jesus Christ. I’m so shocked that he immediately abandoned you and your unborn twins for this child.

The timing is awful, the situation is awful, but the very worst thing is how he’s reacted.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/09/2022 09:58

Such a strange story & reaction by your H.

Fififelix · 02/09/2022 10:04

Did your DH end the relationship or did she ? Was there unresolved feelings ? It seems a very weird reaction. Your DH should ask for a DNA test DM won't be bothered if she knows for certain he's the father.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 02/09/2022 10:09

Just read your most recent update.

I'm so sorry your going through this, most sm are here and knew DP had kids. However even with that many didn't know the dynamics that would be thrown up in blended family. This has been completely taken away from you and I'm so sorry lovely.

Pregnancy is hard, first time pregnancy is really hard and high risk twin pregnancy tops that. I'm glad you have set some boundaries in place re the kids. Pregnancy you are at your most vulnerable, what's his mums perspective on it ?

Has there been any reasoning outside he needs some space away from the house ? You deserve more than this at this time. Did the mum know you were pregnant?

Personally if I had kept a child a secret for 4 years and knew the dads wife was heavily pregnant with twins I wouldn't have dropped that bombshell right before she was due. That said I don't hold much sympathy for anyone who keeps a secret about a baby (unless there's some reasoning behind it) for 4 years and it speaks to moral character in my opinion. I'm not sure why his mum isn't giving him a real kick up the arse tbh. He needs to step up here tbh.

Please be kind to yourself. If you have a c section recovery can be thought please please give yourself true time to recover. And watch out for day 4 hormone drop post birth... it's a kicker (totally normal)

Ticksallboxes · 02/09/2022 11:31

I'm so, so sorry OP. There's obviously a lot more to this than you currently know IMO.

Is it just a coincidence that she has chosen to move to her ex-BF's small town for work reasons? I assume she doesn't come from there.

Is she recently single or has a partner?

Has your DH recently started doing very well in his career?

Did she originally end things (so there could still be feelings on his part) but your DH seems a more attractive proposition now?

You seem like such a nice, trusting person, but these are the questions I'd be asking.

Scorpio8 · 02/09/2022 17:47

@TwinGirlsOnTheWay

I just think it's bad timing really for this woman to come back to this.

I actually really feel for your DH but actually feel sorry for you being pregnant. He doesn't know which way to turn and it's stirred up a lot for him.

He has lost his focus but this a huge shock. Again he will be getting to know this little girl and with two babies will be overwhelming.

So I agree DNA test first she could be lying and want him back.

Focus on you and your babies. He will have to worry about his little girl and two babies. He might want to see her weekends and it might be tough at first no way is it ready for her to stay with you both now.
Gradually while you recover from having your babies. He does need to think about this but he must be a mess. You can dig your hills in which I can understand but it may push him away. Men don't handle things well. You need to be stronger now.
He full of guilt and he can't make up for 4 years. I can see him spoiling her and over compensating things because of the loss of 4 years he missed..he be like the babies have me from birth.
Really can see him doing this which you can understand but he can't really she kept her from him. I be angry at the woman.
Don't let this split you up you just got to focus on you tell him you love him and that you understand him but you need him too..be very strong.
I have no idea feel sorry for you both.

Ithinkthatisenoughnowthanks · 02/09/2022 19:12

Couldn’t she have waited 6 more months? I mean… she’s been gone four years, Why drop the bomb when OP is about to give birth. Weird and selfish. This lady is bad news

how does this help? She didn’t know the OP, she has had no contact with her ex since splitting up. She’s moving to the area - so she probably thought she had to get it out in the open because sooner or later she might bump into him and it would be evident from the age of the child that there was a possibility she was his. She has been positive about the OP being in her child’s life, what is ‘bad news’ about that?

She and the babies should be her husband’s sole priority right now…It’s not his fault his ex is a traitorous nightmare

He has another child - she needs also to be a priority in his life. I am not clear what is ‘traitorous’ about his ex? It sounds like she just thought it would be easier to go it alone as the relationship was over. Not the best decision and absolutely both father and child had a right to know prior to now but it is what it is and can be overcome if everyone behaves like an adult and works in the best interests of the child.

aSofaNearYou · 02/09/2022 19:48

how does this help? She didn’t know the OP, she has had no contact with her ex since splitting up. She’s moving to the area - so she probably thought she had to get it out in the open because sooner or later she might bump into him and it would be evident from the age of the child that there was a possibility she was his. She has been positive about the OP being in her child’s life, what is ‘bad news’ about that?

It's bad news that she kept it from him in the first place and then thought nothing of dropping this bomb on his life 4 years later. She may not have known about OPs pregnancy, in which case sure, that part wasn't malicious. But she knowingly created a situation where some poor woman COULD be pregnant with his twins only to have this thrust upon her. Not to mention the effect on him and the child.

He has another child - she needs also to be a priority in his life. I am not clear what is ‘traitorous’ about his ex? It sounds like she just thought it would be easier to go it alone as the relationship was over. Not the best decision and absolutely both father and child had a right to know prior to now but it is what it is and can be overcome if everyone behaves like an adult and works in the best interests of the child.

This is really downplaying her decision to not tell him. Unless she was going to stick to that permanently, it's an absolutely awful thing to do to someone, with catastrophic effects on the life they had built for themselves, as well as their relationship with the child (and the child's relationship with them) when they did eventually find out about them.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 02/09/2022 20:32

am not clear what is ‘traitorous’ about his ex?

I don't know if I would use the word traitorous but I can see how it's been said. I don't think there's really anyway this is ok (baring abuse) or deserving to be down played.

Keeping a dad from knowing they created a child, speaks to poor morals in my opinion as it wasn't what was in best interest of the child (but it may have been best interest of the mother) and as you said the children (plural) need to come first.

Original poster

TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 02/09/2022 23:06

We're still no clearer as to why she kept this from us. I don’t know who or what to believe right now - DH says he had no clue, she'd told him she was getting an abortion and then they stopped speaking. Everything feels raw but DH has gone to the doctor today and been prescribed a light dose of medication to help calm him down to let him get some sleep over the next couple of days. It's looking like the girls will be here in the next week, so DH has agreed his focus will be on me and the babies. We have a lot to work through, but at the moment that's going to be put on ice until our girls are here and healthy

OP posts:

Ithinkthatisenoughnowthanks · 03/09/2022 00:50

This is really downplaying her decision to not tell him. Unless she was going to stick to that permanently, it's an absolutely awful thing to do to someone, with catastrophic effects on the life they had built for themselves, as well as their relationship with the child (and the child's relationship with them) when they did eventually find out about them

not down playing it at all. OP and her partner have a right to be feeling just about every emotion going right now. But the ex is human. She may have had her reasons and something has changed - her own health, something she has witnessed as a friend or family member, or a simple attack of conscience. There is no point in dwelling on the past. She is showing signs of decency and of wanting to do the right thing. Far easier for all concerned to move forwards.

Scorpio8 · 03/09/2022 03:32

@TwinGirlsOnTheWay

So glad to hear he need to actually digest the news and enjoy new babies.

But as time goes on maybe after DNA test he can decide how he will do this.

Good luck with birth of your twins..so exciting.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/09/2022 09:48

Its wonderful you live somewhere that you get same day doctors appts and anxiety meds prescribed immediately for non emergency issues.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 03/09/2022 10:10

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/09/2022 09:48

Its wonderful you live somewhere that you get same day doctors appts and anxiety meds prescribed immediately for non emergency issues.

I live in a place like that too. Not everywhere is the same.

saraclara · 03/09/2022 10:32

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/09/2022 09:48

Its wonderful you live somewhere that you get same day doctors appts and anxiety meds prescribed immediately for non emergency issues.

We can ONLY get same day appointments here. And if you're too late to get the ones available, you have to call again the next morning. There are absolutely no appointments you can book ahead other than treatment appointments with the nurse.

lohaspark · 03/09/2022 10:45

May be they both agreed to an abortion, and when it came to crunch time, so decided not to. May be she didn't want to be in a relationship with him or burden him into being with her , supporting her, who knows. She should have told him, but didn't but hindsight is always a perfect science.

I don't think she planned to tell OP when OP was pregnant or even knew OP was pregnant. The thing is how OP's husband has reacted to this.

OP - he is in shock, and not behaving rationally.

I am sorry you are going through this

Sandra1984 · 04/09/2022 21:39

lohaspark · 03/09/2022 10:45

May be they both agreed to an abortion, and when it came to crunch time, so decided not to. May be she didn't want to be in a relationship with him or burden him into being with her , supporting her, who knows. She should have told him, but didn't but hindsight is always a perfect science.

I don't think she planned to tell OP when OP was pregnant or even knew OP was pregnant. The thing is how OP's husband has reacted to this.

OP - he is in shock, and not behaving rationally.

I am sorry you are going through this

The ex called op husbands mum first so obviously mum told her about the twin pregnancy. Ex could have agreeded to wait till twins were born to drop the news, but she didn’t. Total c-nt move.

EvieJeanBengal · 05/09/2022 08:54

You’ll do fine. You want to know why? Because in your post you are asking the right questions. You sound like you care and want to make this work. The ladies here in the step forum are mostly a good bunch and willing to help with their experience. I will tell you from mine it’s a day at a time in the beginning