Desperate - manipulative DSS, living with us permanently

[Helpwanted1]

I'm so desperate for help and I want to see if anyone on here can advise or even if they've gone through something similar.

I have 2 children with my DH, they're 3 and 5 He has an older son from a short term relationship who is nearly 10.

DH wasn't told about his son for a good few years, as his mother thought another man was his father. This came out after a DNA test 3 years ago.

Unfortunately DSS's mother has always had problems, they've come to a head and after SS involvement we now have DSS living with us full time and will be for the foreseeable future.

When he moved in as SS suggested we started family and individual therapy for DSS, this is a huge change for him, especially since he has only known his father for a few years, and they were building contact for a year of that. He has a new house, living full time with siblings (he was an only with his DM) and they lived a chaotic lifestyle, not many rules, no bed time etc.

We have tried to manage this as best we can and are being flexible with our house rules to help with the transition but he has developed a skill in manipulation and I'm struggling to deal with it.

DH is overcompensating and DSS feeds off this, if I say he can't watch TV whilst we are eating dinner he will tell DH I've shouted at him and made him feel unwelcome. DSS stole some money from DH and hid it in my purse, he fell at school and told DH I pushed him out of the car.

I've spoken about this in our therapy sessions and it seems DSS wants his father to himself and I'm a barrier to this. Again I totally understand his emotions but I'm the one bearing the brunt of this.

Our family therapist suggested I over attach to DSS to make him feel secure with me and therefore doesn't want me to leave. But he is taking this too far, when we go out together 1-1 he will ask for the most expensive toys, foods on the menu at lunch etc.

Things have taken a turn for the worst over the last week and he is now turning his anger to our other children. Telling them to do things that aren't safe, daring the 5 year old to jump from a taller branch on a tree, to take their helmet off when riding a bike etc.

I now can't leave them alone due to my worries over their safety.

DH is trying his best but is a lot more torn than I am, he is worrying about 3 children and at the moment I'm only worried about 2.

Im scared how much further this will go, he has already told DH i pushed him out of a car when he fell at school. Thankfully in that case there was an accident log at school, but what if he starts going this more and I then risk losing my other children due to SS involvement.

He is even manipulative in family therapy, he lies to our counsellor and I'm worried he is doing the same in his private sessions with a different therapist.

Leaving DH is a last resort, mainly because I love the pants off him, plus even if I left he'd get the kids and the issue would persist with DSS just less of the time. At least with 2 of us in the house it's easier to make sure they're not alone, although it's not foolproof

Sorry that was longer than planned, I'd be grateful for any guidance or advise on how to get through this

OP are you paying for therapy? If so I'd strongly advise you to pay for therapeutic life story work from Richard Rose instead. He is absolutely amazing and works wonders. I can't stress how amazing his work is with adoption and foster placements is. If you're investing in family therapy then he's the man to do it with.

Oooooof. What a situation. @Helpwanted1 , who is looking after you in all this? On the surface, it appears that SS are only concerned about their client, this lad, and as long as the family muddle along somehow, not a problem.

I'd be wanting my own therapist, unconnected with the family therapy. Also don't think I'd have the courage to take this situation on, tbh. I admire your bravery, but wonder how much you were bounced into this situation against your will?

If it gets stickier, could you and DH live apart together for a few years? What would SS do if you moved yourself and your children out? Or asked DH to go?

This is a tough situation. You've had some good advice and I'd echo other posters in suggesting the adoption board for further advice and empathy from other parents of children with significant trauma/attachment difficulties.

One thing I want to add though is that it is really important not to minimise the impact of your DSS's behaviour on your younger DC. When children are adopted, it is typical that they will be an only child or the youngest child in a family, with a significant age gap to other children in the family.

That's partly because children with significant attachment difficulties need lots of 1:1 care and attention, to help them start to feel safe and secure in their new home. But it's also because the behaviour associated with attachment difficulties can pose a risk to other children - as you are starting to see. It sounds like at the moment Social Services and the family therapy you are doing is mostly focused on helping DSS, but isn't taking into account the impact on the rest of your family group. I would raise this as an important topic to work on. If the answer is along the lines of "keep doing what you're doing and his behaviour will get better," I would definitely be asking how to manage now, given that you are already seeing risky behaviour (both directly to your children and indirectly in allegations against you).

This is such a tricky situation to manage. I think you have had some really good advice. I also think this needs to be a three pronged approach and you need support outside of what you have going on with family therapy for yourself.

And also support from ss re the current children in your house. It's completely understandable that their focus is on DS given what's happened but they also need to address the issues caused by the situation and safeguard all the children of the house.

You must feel v alone and isolated. Please remember to look after yourself too in all this.

can you talk about the weekly /daily routines? After school to teatime is witching hour for every family and ALL primary age kids are frequently monsters then. And you’re handling all 3 yourself 5 days a week till 630 while still trying to work for part of that??
that’s a recipe for breakdown all on its own. Is it possible to re think some of that even temporarily. Can DH change his hours, more after school, any grandparents who could take 1-2 children more often after school?

@DuchessDarty how incredibly insensitive and rude to denigrate someone's lived experience and imply they're lying, then pick at the fact they missed a post.

OP I have no experience of this as a mum or stepmother but I hope you're ok. I have experienced being a child with a close relation (cousin) with many of the issues you've identified in your DSS. He lived with us for the majority of his childhood as neither of his parents could cope. I was regularly accused of things that I had in no way done from a young age. My mum was terrified that some of his lies might mean the rest of her kids might be removed. I would just say look after your own DC and yourself first and foremost - if you can do that while also looking out for DSS then great, but if you can't then you may need to make a difficult decision.

I am surprised that SS thought this was the best solution available. Normally, for adoption or fostering, they insist that one parent doesn't work for at least a year. And - that the incoming child is the youngest by some way, if not the one and only. There would be training available as well - have you been offered any?

10 would be considered on the old side for a successful adoption, too, so I hope they are funding the therapy, not you.

Being with a parent is always the preferred option

So i understand why he came here first

As this isn't an adoption

He is my husbands biological child

They're all in school/nursery

DH does nursery drop off for our 3 year old (as it's closer to his work than home)

I then do school drop off for our 5 year old and DSS

DH does nursery pick up, I do school pick up

Then it's me with DSS and 5 year old until DH and the youngest get home at 6:30

If I can log off early I sometimes pick 3yo old up but that's not frequent

Weekends are all of us, DSS and 5 year old have clubs so I take 3yo and 5yo on those occasions and DH has 1-1 with DSS at his activities

I then try to have my 1-1 time on Sunday with DSS. DH is religious so takes the 5 and 3 year old to church in the morning, DSS doesn't believe and wasn't raised with any belief system so we do our bits then.

Whilst it's not an adoption situation could your DH not still take some parental leave? Or put in for flexible working hours so that he can do the drop offs/ pick ups?
Worst case scenario and you do split up then he will have to do this anyway.
Even if it involves wrap around care for DSS.

It will reduce your time alone with DSS and also give you opportunities to do things with your younger children.

@PennyFl/@Helpwanted1 are your 5 year old and DSS at the same school?

Why do you assume dh would get your dc if you split?

Is there another adult around sometimes. So that DSS can be included more. Very hard to amuse such different age groups. Then you can give DSS some attention one to one and ?DGM can be in the garden with the wee ones.
Very hard to praise DSS (or any others) if you are wfm as they don't have your attention. I don't mean to criticise.
If you did separate from DH he could visit the younger ones at your home - no fractious divorce impeding that.

I’m interested in why you agreed for DSS to come to live with you initially.
perhaps you should think about not having 1 to 1 time with him at all.

You need the cameras to protect yourself, as much as anything. When he's prepared to say that you pushed him out of the car, he could say anything. And if your DH isn't home, and he can no longer be relied on to believe your version of any incident 100%, you need to be able to produce proof.

It's not a good way to live, but he really could accuse you of something REALLY serious.
And it goes without saying that the cameras need to be hidden from your DDS. Otherwise he'll just turn them off before he does whatever he plans.

DSS, rather.

It's mainly during our 1-1 times he makes the worst allegations and school drop off (his is still at his old school as SS didn't want to transition too much when he moved in) which is so hard as I know why the therapist suggested them, but it leaves me vulnerable to him making things up.

What do the therapist and SS say about it regarding your own protection?
id want to highlight the issue before it is becoming a real issue (aka before one a.legation is taken seriously). And I think knowing what would be the SS stance in that will be helpful to decide how to deal with things (eg you being in your own with dss).

i have to say, if he was in foster care, I’m wondering what SS would do if a child was starting to make allegations like this against the foster carer. Would they move the child for the sake of the foster carer for example? I genuinely have no idea as what they would propose.

In all practical ways, you have been made to adopt this child at the business end of a gun! SS have done a number on you. Guilt, religious duty, whatever. You've been strong-armed into this. And you've had no preparation or training for the problems that would inevitably follow.

Ideally (for me) DSS would have been in specialist foster care for a year, gradually spending more and more time in your home, and then, after that, you would get a choice whether to take him full-time or continue as was.

You’re confusing the set-up too much with an adoptive arrangement and with respect, that isn’t helpful.

The OP’s DH is the boy’s parent who was willing and able to take him. It wasn’t a decision the OP made on her own and from SS’s point of view it won’t have been focused round the OP.

If a parent is able to take the child, foster care won’t be considered and the normal adoption process obviously won’t be followed… as it’s not adoption,

Even with adoption cases, the focus is to try and minimise the time in foster care.

With respect, I was the child in a situation with significant similarities.... Specialist foster care was used liberally. As a result, I have a good relationship with DSM decades later.

With respect, if that was in the U.K. it must have been very long time ago. Hence my point about the general drive by SS to not use foster care as much if possible. Aside from how it’s seen as not always in the best interest of the child, there just isn’t the money of resources.

And specialist foster care as you will of course know is for children with disabilities, learning difficulties and very complex needs. If the D’s not been diagnosed or identified as having any of these - and the OP gives no indication that he has - then specialist foster care won’t have been considered.

I've only read your updates OP, not everyone's suggestions. But you and DH need to be doing more to protect yourselves here.

I would not be doing the school runs for DSS anymore. DH can do them and spend more time with DS in the meantime which is probably what DSS wants. Nevermind his work hours. This is the about keeping your family unit together and that comes above work.

I do think you have been fucked over by Social Services TBH. If your DSS was a looked after child and in Foster care, you would be entitled to a lot more help and funding etc. But because DH is 'exercising parental responsibility' as they like to call it, it sounds like DSS has been plonked in your care and you've been left to get on with it.

You've got 3 options really OP.

1. Love bomb the fuck out of the kid. Protect yourself with cameras in your house and make sure you keep a log of lies, but yeah love bomb him and create that attachment. That will be hard considering the behaviour, lack of 100% support from dh and how it was a complete bombshell that came in your life. I'd give it a go. It needs to be a bit more than one on one time when dh is at church though.

1. Nacho step parenting. It may work for you, it wouldn't for me. I don't think it's fair to nacho when you're now in a mum role to him but it could work.

1. Leave dh. Really unfair on you as you didn't ask for this but it's an option.

Has the therapist spoken to your SC about anger ?

He is an angry boy who grew up without a dad to find that dad had a family all along, so he hates your children and sees them as a threat. This issue needs to be addressed. He is telling your children to do harmful things and that is worrying for your children.

Do you and husband talk to him about his mum ? or is it silenced, like she is erased out of his life ? Does he have his own room, photo. of his mum . No matter what a wreck she is, she is still his mum and he has a bond with her.