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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Really difficult situation

54 replies

Laladream · 25/08/2022 13:18

Me and DH married for 2 years, together 5.

We have one child and he has older DC too from his past relationship.

His older children are early teens and are going through quite a bit at the moment with hormones and struggling with the fact they have two homes. This has never been (or they've never expressed anyway) an issue when they were younger but it seems it's starting to wear on them now, it's currently 50:50 and I think it would be fairer for them personally to allow them to change this if they want to but their parents don't want to. That's another thread.

Anyway, DSC love their sibling but they have expressed difficulty in the past that they get to live with DH full time, have the "happy together family" and all the rest. They are still very good and caring toward their sibling though so it doesn't seem to have built resentment or anything, just some difficult emotions.

On to the issue.. I'm pregnant, but it wasn't planned. DH has expressed before that he doesn't want anymore children but refuses to get the snip. I've been on the pill but was quite unwell a couple of months ago so suspect that may be what's happened, although not 100% sure. It's possible I've missed some and not realised but certainly not many or often.

Basically I want this baby, I don't want an abortion. It wasn't planned and I know DH said no more but now it's happened, I don't want to terminate.

DH is saying he doesn't think his older DC will cope with this right now and he's concerned for them and thinks it best that we don't go ahead. He appreciates it's not his decision but I can tell is trying to sway me by saying this about DSC even though it's probably true.

We had a bit of a tiff last night because I said basically I'm not basing whether or not to abort my baby on his children's feelings and if he was so dead set against the idea he should have had the snip years ago like I suggested then. He thinks it's selfish of me not to consider DSC.

But surely this is far too personal and too much of a big decision to base it on the feelings of someone else's children?

OP posts:
Keepingupappearance · 25/08/2022 13:20

Of course he’s being ridiculous!

Xx

AlisonDonut · 25/08/2022 13:20

If he didn't want kids that was up to him to prevent his sperm from meeting someone's egg.

It's that simple.

Original poster
Laladream · 25/08/2022 13:21

AlisonDonut · 25/08/2022 13:20

If he didn't want kids that was up to him to prevent his sperm from meeting someone's egg.

It's that simple.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Gensola · 25/08/2022 13:24

No way should you abort because his kids might not like it! Congratulations on your pregnancy x

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 25/08/2022 13:29

Your DH sounds utterly selfish.

harriethoyle · 25/08/2022 13:30

He's being an arse. He should have taken responsibility if he was that dead set against more children.

DuchessDarty · 25/08/2022 14:34

It sounds like he's using his older children as an excuse because he doesn't want another baby.

I would ignore that and get him to talk about the root of the issue: if his older children were on board with the idea, how would he feel about it?

FinallyHere · 25/08/2022 15:08

DuchessDarty · 25/08/2022 14:34

It sounds like he's using his older children as an excuse because he doesn't want another baby.

I would ignore that and get him to talk about the root of the issue: if his older children were on board with the idea, how would he feel about it?

Yeah. This ^

SudocremOnEverything · 25/08/2022 15:12

Oh. This is so awful for you.

Him having made the decision about your pregnancy all about his other children is a very hard position to recover from in a stepfamily type situation.

Set aside the SC and your husband and ask yourself what you want to do. It’s your pregnancy and it’s up to you.

InsertPunHere · 25/08/2022 15:12

If he wasn’t willing to get a vasectomy he can shut up about not wanting a child.

Your body, your choice.

Do you think your relationship can weather a child he doesn’t want? Would you want it to?

Whatever the outcome, congratulations and I hope it goes well for you.

lunar1 · 25/08/2022 15:33

I really don't think there is any coming back from a husband trying to manipulate their wife into an abortion.

If you terminate the pregnancy for him you will never forgive him. If you have the baby, you'd never see their relationship in a positive way-he's always be the man who tried to get rid of your child.

Your body, your choice. Has he even made an appointment for the snip now? You'd think he'd prioritise it at this point for the future.

SudocremOnEverything · 25/08/2022 15:35

Do you think your relationship can weather a child he doesn’t want? Would you want it to?

The other side of that is: could it weather not having this child because he doesn’t want it? Even more so given that he’s decided to make the SC the determining factor in his decision-making process.

UserError012345 · 25/08/2022 15:35

Would you be willing to be a single parent if it came to it ?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 25/08/2022 15:37

He's being ridiculous. It sounds like he was quite alright for you to carry all the responsibility of contraception and hasn't taken any responsibility himself.
I would put it this way - even if you having the baby causes irreparable damage to the relationship, remember that so would having a termination that you felt in any way coerced into.

chillipenguin · 25/08/2022 15:50

You are absolutely right.

chillipenguin · 25/08/2022 15:50

I would put it this way - even if you having the baby causes irreparable damage to the relationship, remember that so would having a termination that you felt in any way coerced into. I think this is a key point.

funinthesun19 · 25/08/2022 16:16

This baby is a very much wanted baby.

I think that if you have an abortion you don’t want just to please him and his kids, there will be no happy relationship anyway.
So you might as well have your baby, and if he and his kids want to have a big sulk about it then that’s up to them. They WILL get over it though. You probably wouldn’t get over it (if you have an abortion you don’t want), and that’s the difference.
Selfish man.

Georgeskitchen · 25/08/2022 16:28

Has he actually ASKED his dc how they would feel about another baby? They might actually be happy about it . In any case being young teens another 5 years or so they will probably be off doing their own thing. I don't agree with termination because your teenage stepchildren might not be happy about it!!

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 25/08/2022 18:39

I would be so on the floor horrified if I as a sc had been told my mum had been pressured into a abortion because of DSC or me.

I would never be able to look at him ever again. And I'm pro choice.

It's not just a womens job to stop unplanned pregnancy. He's a nobber.

I'm sorry op I really am

Kanaloa · 25/08/2022 18:44

I agree with him that his priority should be to his existing children at the moment - which is why he should have taken reasonable steps to ensure that he didn’t get you pregnant. Too late now, and you cannot base your decision of whether or not to terminate a pregnancy on his children. It’s not fair for you or them to do that.

EL8888 · 25/08/2022 18:44

What had it got to do with them?! I can’t ever imagine being able to dictate to my step dad what he does or doesn’t do. Madness! This is a big decision and not something for children to decide

@pitchforksandflamethrowers exactly!

Kanaloa · 25/08/2022 18:44

On another note, what is he doing to ensure his children are secure in their relationship with him? Is he spending plenty of quality time with them? Making sure he’s involved in their lives? Trying to set aside some time to do things that older kids would enjoy?

Unorthofox · 25/08/2022 18:47

Why the fuck hasn't he had the snip then, rather than thinking the responsibility of birth control is on you.

Fuck him. Have the baby.

Ponderingwindow · 25/08/2022 18:51

If he wasn’t willing to get a vasectomy and continued to have sex, he shouldn’t be expressing any opinion whatsoever.

now that there is an unplanned pregnancy and he is facing the possible consequences of his actions, has he booked his procedure?

custardbear · 25/08/2022 18:53

Sounds like an excuse to me too, I wouldn't want a termination either if it was because of someone else's feelings, I'd feel awful and could t forget or forgive to be honest