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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Really difficult situation

54 replies

Laladream · 25/08/2022 13:18

Me and DH married for 2 years, together 5.

We have one child and he has older DC too from his past relationship.

His older children are early teens and are going through quite a bit at the moment with hormones and struggling with the fact they have two homes. This has never been (or they've never expressed anyway) an issue when they were younger but it seems it's starting to wear on them now, it's currently 50:50 and I think it would be fairer for them personally to allow them to change this if they want to but their parents don't want to. That's another thread.

Anyway, DSC love their sibling but they have expressed difficulty in the past that they get to live with DH full time, have the "happy together family" and all the rest. They are still very good and caring toward their sibling though so it doesn't seem to have built resentment or anything, just some difficult emotions.

On to the issue.. I'm pregnant, but it wasn't planned. DH has expressed before that he doesn't want anymore children but refuses to get the snip. I've been on the pill but was quite unwell a couple of months ago so suspect that may be what's happened, although not 100% sure. It's possible I've missed some and not realised but certainly not many or often.

Basically I want this baby, I don't want an abortion. It wasn't planned and I know DH said no more but now it's happened, I don't want to terminate.

DH is saying he doesn't think his older DC will cope with this right now and he's concerned for them and thinks it best that we don't go ahead. He appreciates it's not his decision but I can tell is trying to sway me by saying this about DSC even though it's probably true.

We had a bit of a tiff last night because I said basically I'm not basing whether or not to abort my baby on his children's feelings and if he was so dead set against the idea he should have had the snip years ago like I suggested then. He thinks it's selfish of me not to consider DSC.

But surely this is far too personal and too much of a big decision to base it on the feelings of someone else's children?

OP posts:
Grumpypants78 · 25/08/2022 18:55

I'm not entirely sure you should take your DHs wishes into account let alone his kids 🤷

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 25/08/2022 20:01

Kanaloa · 25/08/2022 18:44

On another note, what is he doing to ensure his children are secure in their relationship with him? Is he spending plenty of quality time with them? Making sure he’s involved in their lives? Trying to set aside some time to do things that older kids would enjoy?

You know I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and say he's doing none of these things and using the DSC as a nice get out of free jail card.

I doubt the guilt he feels has prompted him to do anything other than pass that guilt on to OPs shoulders to carry.

My god imagine if they asked DSC they said no to another sibling (as most kids would answer) and then grew up and as adults realised they were used as a weapon by there dad to force sm to have a abortion. 🤮🤮 so bloody grim.

lookluv · 25/08/2022 20:11

The SDCs are going to be mortified - they are teens, Dad is still having sex etc etc. So yes they are going to be upset but so are most teens when parents hve big age gaps for their children.

Sounds like these kids will adapt like they have done so far - the parents in their life - their DF and DM - have considered their needs and wants before their kids all along, ie sticking to 50:50 when not happy with it and this will be another example to them of having things thrust upon them.
However, they have shown they are bigger people than their parents and not allowed it to affect their relationship with their sibling and am sure will do again with this one. It is good they can express their feelings and not get bitter.

Do what you want OP - sounds like the SDCS are better people than their DF.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 25/08/2022 20:17

lookluv · 25/08/2022 20:11

The SDCs are going to be mortified - they are teens, Dad is still having sex etc etc. So yes they are going to be upset but so are most teens when parents hve big age gaps for their children.

Sounds like these kids will adapt like they have done so far - the parents in their life - their DF and DM - have considered their needs and wants before their kids all along, ie sticking to 50:50 when not happy with it and this will be another example to them of having things thrust upon them.
However, they have shown they are bigger people than their parents and not allowed it to affect their relationship with their sibling and am sure will do again with this one. It is good they can express their feelings and not get bitter.

Do what you want OP - sounds like the SDCS are better people than their DF.

I don't often say this but will say it now. I 100% agree with what you have put here.

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/08/2022 21:54

If you and DH split up, you won't see much of the DSC after that. If DH died tomorrow, similar. So why should their supposed preferences dictate that you abort your child, who would be very much wanted by you?

It's hardly taking soundings for dinner tonight, or where you all want to go on holiday, is it? A decision to abort could have negative life long consequences for you and you alone. And the DSC are far too young to have that on them.

This is a man hiding behind the skirts of his older children to conceal his own unfettered selfishness.

User57994 · 25/08/2022 22:07

I would find it impossible for this to not affect my relationship with my SCs knowing that my own baby had been aborted for the sake of, probably temporary, hurt feelings. Even if it was not their fault. How the hell would you manage not to end up resentful in that situation? When they're being rude/stroppy/ungrateful towards you (as all teenagers are prone to be every so often), how would that not be at the back of your mind?

If you want your baby, have your baby. If you abort based on this I can't see your relationship lasting anyway.

DuchessDarty · 25/08/2022 22:58

EL8888 · 25/08/2022 18:44

What had it got to do with them?! I can’t ever imagine being able to dictate to my step dad what he does or doesn’t do. Madness! This is a big decision and not something for children to decide

@pitchforksandflamethrowers exactly!

What's madness is your post, and one or two others on this thread implying similar.

It's the father who is saying he thinks having another baby isn't fair on his older children or won't be the best thing for them. The SC haven't been involved in any discussion about having another baby.

So no, the step-children aren't dictating whether the OP has a termination, Christ give me strength Grin

SudocremOnEverything · 25/08/2022 23:04

The stepchildren aren’t dictating anything. No. Nor should they (because that would be beyond inappropriate for everyone involved).

But their father is playing a very dangerous game by using them as a pretext for pressuring the OP to terminate the pregnancy. Creating a narrative in which a (wanted) pregnancy has to be ended because of his other children is likely to have toxic effects on all the relationships in this stepfamily.

DuchessDarty · 25/08/2022 23:16

Yes @SudocremOnEverything the father is v wrong to use that as a reason to pressure the OP into having a termination when she doesn't want one. He's right to be concerned about how they will handle it and not think it's the best time for them, but not to use it as a reason for a termination.

But what I'm talking about is the inappropriateness of one or two posters blaming the children. It's ignorant and inflammatory to come to that conclusion from what the OP said. We're grown arse adults.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 25/08/2022 23:27

Don't have a termination.

keepingbthe baby might cause 'issues' but terminating when you don't want to could cause YOU serious problems.

tell DH (dick head in this case) that if HE didn't want more children, HE should have had a vasectomy or been using condoms & to stop blaming the DSC for HIM wanting you to have an abortion.

your SC sound nice, it must be hard watching other kids living with YOUR Dad. But DH could be doing more to make them feel wanted, loved & included in his life couldn't he? Given they're great with their step sib, there's nothing to say they'd even want you to terminate, not that they should even be asked. It's not their decision, nor should they think they get a say in your pregnancy. That's all kinds of wrong.

Plus - Why shouldn't your child have a full sibling?

Ithinkthatisenoughnowthanks · 26/08/2022 01:14

It's possible I've missed some and not realised but certainly not many or often

oh come on, either you missed taking the pill or you didn’t. And I feel quite sure you know how it works - and that missing it once is enough to end up pregnant. So what you seem to be saying here is that you know you missed several pills over a period of time. Did you warn him? Give him the opportunity to not take the risk?

He gets no say in whether or not you have an abortion and absolutely, he should have had the snip if he was sure he wanted no more children. But equally, he should have been able to rely on his partner taking the pill when she says she is and advising extra precautions are needed if a pill is missed. If he didn’t get that opportunity then I’m not sure how you move forwards because that’s trust being broken, regardless of his poor stance re a vasectomy.

If you want the baby then you must go ahead and have it but I think you will need to accept that your relationship is fundamentally broken if you are aware you missed pills and did nothing about it. If you did warn him and he chose to take the risk then in all honesty, he’s an idiot and you would be better off without someone trying to use their older children to facilitate an abortion. He’s showing sod all for your needs and feelings.

Padron · 26/08/2022 01:40

Sorry OP but I agree with the poster above me. If you didn't tell your DH about missing pills then that was very wrong on your part because you would have unilaterally made the decision to take risks.

It's not unreasonable for him to not have had the snip yet even though he doesn't want more children. He thought that as a couple you were using reliable birth control as the pill is very reliable if you take it properly every day.

Mumwithsons · 26/08/2022 02:15

I don’t think it’s wrong for him to say this. If this is what he feels, excuse or not. He’s worried, he would rather not.

However he made this child. He could have made sure he didn’t, but he did. And you are carrying it. His opinion matters. But his emotionally making you feel bad is not OK. He made the ultimate decision when he he had sex with you. Remember that and then make your own decision.

Mumwithsons · 26/08/2022 02:16

Oh sorry seen the update. This is harder. If he didn’t make the decision, at sex, but you did, that’s a different position to be in.

SudocremOnEverything · 26/08/2022 06:58

Mumwithsons · 26/08/2022 02:16

Oh sorry seen the update. This is harder. If he didn’t make the decision, at sex, but you did, that’s a different position to be in.

No contraception is 100% reliable except abstinence. So there’s always some risk.

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2022 08:34

Mumwithsons · 26/08/2022 02:16

Oh sorry seen the update. This is harder. If he didn’t make the decision, at sex, but you did, that’s a different position to be in.

She didn't make the decision. It's easy to forget to take the pill and never realise.

He wanted her to take daily responsibility for stopping this when he could have done it with a one off, and he was the one who felt strongly about it.

Ithinkthatisenoughnowthanks · 26/08/2022 10:32

It's easy to forget to take the pill and never realise

You’re making excuses for the OP - the pill comes in packets with the days on it so if you’ve missed one, it is very clear when you next go to take one. If not getting pregnant is important to you, you act on medical advice and use an additional form of contraception, or abstain, for the prescribed number of days. It seems clear to me that the OP is aware she missed more than one Pill and if that’s the case, and she didn’t give her partner the opportunity to use a condom, or abstain, this is no accident.

He wanted her to take daily responsibility for stopping this when he could have done it with a one off, and he was the one who felt strongly about it

I agree, he should, have had a vasectomy. But he should also have been able to rely on his partner taking the pill as prescribed and Informing him if for some reason, a pill is missed. He shouldn’t have to deal with It's possible I've missed some and not realised but certainly not many or often if an agreement has been made that the pill is their contraception at the current time.

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2022 10:40

You’re making excuses for the OP - the pill comes in packets with the days on it so if you’ve missed one, it is very clear when you next go to take one. If not getting pregnant is important to you, you act on medical advice and use an additional form of contraception, or abstain, for the prescribed number of days. It seems clear to me that the OP is aware she missed more than one Pill and if that’s the case, and she didn’t give her partner the opportunity to use a condom, or abstain, this is no accident.

I'm making excuses for her because I think it's excusable. I've been on the pill before and found it a pain to remember. Sometimes I'd accidentally take the wrong marked day and then that system would be unclear, as well.

With that in mind, I don't think it's clear at all that OP knows whether she forgot to take it or not. Some people are more organised than others. Not to mention she added it as an afterthought, with her main theory being the pill failed when she was ill. She was basically just saying "I guess it's possible".

I don't think possibly being a bit careless makes something not an accident. It's only deliberate if you knew.

SurpriseSurprise · 26/08/2022 10:47

My ex-DH refused to have a child with me because he didn’t want to upset his DDs from a previous marriage. It partly was what ended up destroying us. I always slightly resented them because of it, even though I knew that was awful.

Dont have an abortion if you don’t want to. But either way can your marriage survive that.

DiddlyDoris · 26/08/2022 10:52

No way would I abort my child based on someone else's childrens potential feelings! That's just madness!

If that was me, I'd resent my partner and his kids for the rest of my life.

He didn't want the snip but was happy letting you take artificial hormones each day, and they dont come with a 💯 guarantee anyway! If he felt that strongly he should've doubled up and used a condom too.

user77468264 · 26/08/2022 10:53

100% agree. It isn't just up to the women to stop a baby from happening. He could have be proactive so this was always going to be a risk.
You make the decision that is right for yourself. Absolutely nothing to do with DSC at this point.

DuchessDarty · 26/08/2022 11:43

Not to mention she added it as an afterthought, with her main theory being the pill failed when she was ill. She was basically just saying "I guess it's possible".

To be fair though, you are told when taking the pill that it may not work when ill and to take extra precautions. It is common knowledge.

MeridianB · 26/08/2022 14:31

It sounds like he's using his older children as an excuse because he doesn't want another baby

This. Totally outrageous to lie about the real reason and add emotional blackmail. If you want the baby then you should keep it. Flowers

pinkyredrose · 26/08/2022 14:44

Did your DH know that illness can reduce the possibility of the pill working and that you 'may' have not taken some? Did you secretly want another baby?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 26/08/2022 14:48

Condoms are readily available. Consideration and responsibility, not so easy it seems.