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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

New to being SM: what’s reasonable for looking after SDC when DP busy?

68 replies

lostForNames · 23/08/2022 18:34

First post here … DP moved in last October with DSS (17), I have DS16 and DS12. DP’s twins (14) live with Mum still. We have them for dinner every Thursday and every other weekend. My two see their Dad Tues for dinner and every other weekend. Contact time for DP coincides with my weekend with my two, so we also get a kid free weekend on alternate weekends. DSS goes to stay with his grandparents every weekend.

DP likes to go to snooker practice on a Saturday night (7 - 11:30om) and I’m often then the one at home with all the kids. They mostly are in their rooms on their devices.
I’m feeling a bit resentful that I’m left “holding the baby” so to speak. I know they’re all old enough to do their own thing but I’m the responsible adult.

Also this weekend past (kids weekend) he then went to play golf from 9:30 - 3:30 so again, I was the one at home.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit cheesed off here? I don’t want to be looking after 4 kids on my own regularly and I also then feel like I can’t do something with my two, as I’d be obviously excluding his two. I get on ok with DST but don’t know them hugely well as we’ve only been together just under 2 years.

I have no clue as to what boundaries I should have. My upbringing was rubbish and whilst I’ve been a stepchild twice, it wasn’t a standard set up so I can’t use that as a basis.
I'd welcome some advice, thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HandbagsnGladrags · 23/08/2022 18:52

Nope you're not being unreasonable. His kids are there to see him, not you. Totally unacceptable for him to be out every week when they're there. If it's more of a one-off then that's not too bad.

theremustonlybeone · 23/08/2022 18:56

I would be tufting his ass back out. your a woman so he clearly thinks you can deal with it whilst he does his golf and other activities he is a piss taker

Googlecanthelpme · 23/08/2022 19:01

No absolutely not being unreasonable.
He wants to do his hobby, this is fair as long as you get time back to do your own thing (and I mean time where he is holding the fort). Also, if you had an event or invitation to a Saturday night out, I would expect he’d take the night off his hobby to have to have the kids.

i do think it’s a little off that he’s then going off to play golf too during his contact time - as a one off I’d be fine with this but I wouldn’t accept it being a regular occurrence. It’s his time to spend with kids and he can’t just assume you’re the default parent.

In my house DP rarely goes out on his contact time, but if he does we agree it in advance and he appreciates it is a favour I am doing him - it’s not expected or demanded.

personally I would test the ground and say I was planning on doing something on X Saturday when all the kids are there, gauge his reaction and take the chance to set some expectations.

helping out occasionally when you’re home anyway? sure. assuming you’re now default childcare? No.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 23/08/2022 19:01

That's quite a chunk of contact time that he's choosing to be away for. Have you got suitable transport to arrange days out? Or are you stuck at home once he is gone?
Are there any activities that all the teens would enjoy?

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/08/2022 19:03

My partner doesn’t look after my children at all.

Spohn · 23/08/2022 19:04

Another man making a mug of his new girlfriend. Don't allow it. His kids are there for contact with him, not to be palmed off on to a girlfriend. He barely sees them as is. What a shit man.

rookiemere · 23/08/2022 19:07

It's a tricky one because at 14 they are old enough to be left for a few hours by themselves and presumably that's what would happen if you weren't there.

Tiswa · 23/08/2022 19:08

So basically moving in with you has given him chilscare

Spohn · 23/08/2022 19:10

What are the benefits to your kids to having your boyfriend and his (seldom seen) kids moved in to their house? That's the only important thing that would have been considered back in October.

Or was it just for your boyfriends convenience?

rookiemere · 23/08/2022 19:12

OP does he do much with them the rest of the weekend when he is around?

Beamur · 23/08/2022 19:13

Nope, really not ok.
Contact time is for the kids to see their Dad. He shouldn't be making hobby plans during that time. He should be spending it with his kids.
Don't start falling into the trap of picking up the pieces. He's treating you like free childcare.
That's not to say you can't help out, but the current situation is really not fair on you or his kids.

excelledyourself · 23/08/2022 19:13

So weekend just gone, he went out Saturday night to play snooker and then most of Sunday to play golf? On the weekend his kids were there to see him?

Is that right?

deeperthanallroses · 23/08/2022 19:15

6 hours of golf on the weekend he has his kids? If this wasn’t a once in ten years catch up with a group of very old friends he is out of order. Tell him there will be no more of that. From his kids perspective it’s not fair, from your perspective he should be asking it as a favour for a good reason.
the Saturday nights- occasional fine, regular absolutely not.
id say you should head out and leave him to it next kids weekend but you probably want to see your kids! I’d take an hour or two out on my own then take my dc out and not his and see if he gets that that is completely fair.

SpotOnMyBot · 23/08/2022 19:24

He should do that on the non kids weekend surely?!

Have you thought about changing the weekends so he has a weekend with his kids (without yours) and vice versa? This is what I did so that my kids still got weekend time with me and dp's kids still got weekend time with him (I work FT so weekends were the only time I properly saw them).

That way he can bugger off and do golf or whatever in the time he doesn't have his kids etc

AgnestaVipers · 23/08/2022 19:29

Unbelievably selfish. You're just childcare. What a prick.

girlmom21 · 23/08/2022 19:33

Going for a full day of golf on his contact weekend is massively out of order.

slowquickstep · 23/08/2022 19:47

Has he ever stopped to think how his children feel about this, i bet he hasn't. He is rude , selfish, a pathetic father and a useless partner. Surely you deserve better.

Ihaveanoldiphone · 23/08/2022 19:56

Sorry OP he sounds like he’s using you for childcare and would rather not spend time with his kids hence choosing contact time to do these activities

Original poster

lostForNames · 23/08/2022 19:58

Thanks all… wasn’t quite expecting that strength of reaction if I’m honest.
so the Saturday night thing is pretty regular if I say I’m home. I have raised it before so now he doesn’t presume, but will go if I say I’m home. It was cancelled last minute the past Saturday (when golf was on Sunday) but his plans were to do both. Golf has just started up again … he didn’t play when it was him and the kids at his flat and during covid obviously.

I think the kids we’re pretty cheesed off by it as they don’t come to see me.

As to changing the weekends, selfishly I’m loathe to do that as then we’d get no couple time … although am wondering if I should be considering it for my DC. At the minimum I’m going to start taking them out more.

He does spend time with them when they’re here usually, and is in contact a lot during the week, so is a good Dad. I think maybe he’s just thinking we’re all now one family… whereas actually we’ve not had enough time yet to be that … and given they’re all teenagers, we might never get that.

OP posts:

Spohn · 23/08/2022 20:03

Yeah, not sounding remotely like a bare minimum father never mind a ‘good’ one. Maybe he’s thinking you’re a woman and he can dump his kids on you, rather than thinking you’re a ‘family’. How do your kids benefit from having had this man moved in to their home, specifically?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 23/08/2022 20:03

He is a selfish sod and his kids will really mind that he does not spend the time with them, let alone the CF advantage he is taking of you. I would send him back to his flat and just date him - I bet he has got you doing the laundry and cooking as well. Some men just see someone with a vagina as skivvy and nanny.

AgnestaVipers · 23/08/2022 20:05

Amazing what some women will put up with.

excelledyourself · 23/08/2022 20:08

He does spend time with them when they’re here usually, and is in contact a lot during the week, so is a good Dad. I think maybe he’s just thinking we’re all now one family

No. He's lived with you less than a year, and you say golf has just started up again. Even before the golf he's been regularly leaving them on his Saturday nights .The facts are, until only ten months ago, he didn't have as much opportunity to leave them, nor did he have as many reasons as he does now.

Being home with them on the Thursday doesn't really cut it.

He's got another two full weekends to do as he pleases and pretend he's not a dad, if that's what he wants.

Clearly it's social life first and foremost for him.

anderosonnmj · 23/08/2022 20:16

The next time he plans to spend the whole day playing golf, tell him that you have something planned with your kids that day and that he'll have to take his kids golfing or look after them himself. See what his reaction is.

JessesMum777888 · 23/08/2022 20:20

Every week he’s taking the piss really if he doesn’t do the same for you.
see in our house I go gym a lot and stepdad/dad looks after the kids while I’m there , he also does football training run with my son 3 times a week as I’m working those times so if he wants to go to golf on a day his kids are here every now and then then I don’t have a problem. If it’s all the time then he’s taking the piss xx

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