New to being SM: what’s reasonable for looking after SDC when DP busy?

[lostForNames]

First post here … DP moved in last October with DSS (17), I have DS16 and DS12. DP’s twins (14) live with Mum still. We have them for dinner every Thursday and every other weekend. My two see their Dad Tues for dinner and every other weekend. Contact time for DP coincides with my weekend with my two, so we also get a kid free weekend on alternate weekends. DSS goes to stay with his grandparents every weekend.

DP likes to go to snooker practice on a Saturday night (7 - 11:30om) and I’m often then the one at home with all the kids. They mostly are in their rooms on their devices.
I’m feeling a bit resentful that I’m left “holding the baby” so to speak. I know they’re all old enough to do their own thing but I’m the responsible adult.

Also this weekend past (kids weekend) he then went to play golf from 9:30 - 3:30 so again, I was the one at home.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit cheesed off here? I don’t want to be looking after 4 kids on my own regularly and I also then feel like I can’t do something with my two, as I’d be obviously excluding his two. I get on ok with DST but don’t know them hugely well as we’ve only been together just under 2 years.

I have no clue as to what boundaries I should have. My upbringing was rubbish and whilst I’ve been a stepchild twice, it wasn’t a standard set up so I can’t use that as a basis.
I'd welcome some advice, thanks

@pitchforksandflamethrowers thank you. This is all new to me and him, so we’re muddling our way through and learning as we go. Thankfully when we have conversations we get to a resolution and change happens.
I’m sorry to hear you and your DP had such a difficult period.
I will find my way to the sp support thread.

@chillipenguin this was a one off, and the weekend was the 2nd is a row we’d had the DSC. He does think of them and the previous weekend we’d done the cinema and dinner out.

I’d mistakenly assumed this was a board where mostly step parents would post and naively thought people would initially be given the benefit of the doubt.

It is snooker practice, he plays in a league. He doesn’t go if we have plans but I’m also happy to support him to do his hobby, as he is for mine.

He is my partner … not my sex partner … and as such we do things for each other e.g. If I go away for work, he looks after my DC.

We both speak to our DC frequently about how they feel, and my DC had the final say on if he moved in or not. Any issues are brought up by them and we find a solution.
I know all about dreadful step families as I grew up in one. Those mistakes are not being repeated here.

I’m going to bow out of this thread now but appreciate all the replies.

@lostForNames this board is madly and rather doggily haunted by mums who have a sp involved with their Dc and it does tend to lead to some fairly lively debates.. and more often not some unkindly comments.

The support thread tends to be left alone as it's specifically for sp 💐

@chillipenguin this was a one off, and the weekend was the 2nd is a row we’d had the DSC. He does think of them and the previous weekend we’d done the cinema and dinner out.

Ah right apologies, it is a bit different if it isn't the usual contact pattern. It can throw things a bit. Hopefully all sorted now.

Funny thing to say on a thread when EVERYONE has been on the SM's side!

Yes there are some mothers on this board who have a sp involved with their DC, some of those mothers are also SMs themselves.

This board is also frequented by trolls.

Expect a range of robust opinions, don't take things too personally and you'll be OK on here OP.

@DuchessDarty your perception of this thread and this board is yours.

I was simply replying to OPs statement

I’d mistakenly assumed this was a board where mostly step parents would post and naively thought people would initially be given the benefit of the doubt.

Given my opinion on the above. The fact you take issue against me sharing my thoughts isn't very "in the spirit of the site" is it ?

We shall have to agree for what feels like the 100th time to disagree.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

No not my “perception” of this thread and board - facts.

Every poster on this thread said or strongly implied the OP’s partner was being unreasonable apart from one poster who said it was tricky because of the SC’s ages. So what I said there was a fact.

This board IS frequented by trolls. Fact. Threads have been pulled by MNHQ for that reason. Others curiously get pulled on the OP’s instigation for “privacy reasons” at a point when, after already disclosing a lot, the OP is being increasingly picked up by posters on their inconsistencies/untruths within the thread. People who make stuff up for kicks are going to be especially drawn to the more emotive sections of MN, of which step-parenting is one.

I appreciate you were replying to the OP, but I don’t know why you had to use pejorative wording like “madly and rather doggily haunted” about mothers with kids with SPs.

@DuchessDarty because it's my opinion on this thread and the board and I was responding to the op and it's allowed.

Granted this thread had been tame, but op commented that she thought this board people would be given grace and I offered my opinion as to why

Much as you may disagree people will have different perspectives than your own. And perspective isn't fact.

But again let's agree to disagree.

No, facts are facts. No one gave the OP a hard time for being a stepmother or a hard time at all. That’s a hard fact.

The hard time the OP seems to think was being given was to her partner, the father. “Mums” having a go because their children now have a SP isn’t relevant to that.

But then I’m not sure why the OP is saying she naively thought most posters would be SPs who give the benefit of the doubt on a thread where she received unanimous support. It seems she’s sensitive to being told her DH is taking the piss and not doing right by his DC in this instance.

@DuchessDarty OPs comment would suggest that actually actually she didn't find everyone was on her side... repeatedly saying somethings a fact doesn't make it so.

This is why I responded directly to op with my opinion.

It seems she’s sensitive to being told her DH is taking the piss and not doing right by his DC in this instance.

I mean maybe she is or maybe actually her perception on this thread is different to yours. If everyone was supportive of her as you define as a fact, and no blame cast or hinted she was some way to blame. It would indeed be weird to react the way she did to thin air it would appear.

However makes a lot more logical sense to acknowledge that the way you see this thread and the way she took the comments are different because not all people think the same way

I have said this to you before in another thread- your reality and someone else's reality can be true for both people and there's no need to class someone as "sensitive" for not having the same feelings or perspective as you . Words can be read and interpreted differently.

Not your responsibility to have all the kids it's only every other weekend after all

Well it's a bit shit to hear your dp being called a sex partner and your dc felt sorry for. No wonder she's gone.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

You’re failing to see that the OP feels the comments weren’t supportive primarily because they were critical of her DP. She details the way in which he is a good father and also helps her out. Maybe DH’s thinks that people thinking that reflects badly on her, that she chose a bad partner. But apart from one comment, no one said anything about her actions. That’s objective. And that one comment I’m referring to was made before the OP responded for the first time, and the OP didn’t have a problem with the comments in that response.

Funny how you think you have a right to refer to posters being “mad” and “dogged” - a sentiment you frequently but take issue with me saying “it seems she’s sensitive”. You frequently make assumptive comments about groups of posters on these boards, saying they’re bitter ex-wives or SC. When you take your own advice, I may take it too.

The poster who used the term “sex partner” was talking about her own experiences, not directly referring to the OP’s DO as that.

And yes it was a crude term. tbh I assumed it was a language issue and the poster bluntly making it clear they meant partner in that way.

Thanks @HippyDippieTrees , it was the comments on DP and the perceived dreadful situation that I’d put my DCs in that upset me.

It was good to hear my instincts were right, but how quite a few posters could decide he’s a deadbeat and I should dump him from one post is madness. I shouldn’t have to list all the positives of him/our relationship to just get a simple question answered… the benefit of the doubt was referring to the character of my DP.
Now I know for future posts

You are not the babysitter. It is DP contact time with HIS children not yours. I get so sick of seeing these men treat their wives like the dogsbody babysitter. Babysitters at least get paid

You aren't being unreasonable at all. He's being a cf. Tell him to schedule his hobbies and golf games around his kids contact schedule.

@DuchessDarty I have my opinion you have yours.

My comment was for op in answer to her question, and to give context to why in iMO it's happening. This thread isn't about wording you feel sensitive to and it is mumsnet a large amount of users will be mums and we do have unusual amount on sp forum who aren't linked to blended families in anyway.

Please just report the comment if you feel so inclined and leave it at that.

If your partner is too busy to deal with his own kids then they don’t come to visit that day. End of. They come for contact time with their father, not you, so why should you be left caring for them? It’s his job, not yours, so he needs to start re-arranging his golf games, etc. for when he hasn’t got his kids.