New to being SM: what’s reasonable for looking after SDC when DP busy?

[lostForNames]

First post here … DP moved in last October with DSS (17), I have DS16 and DS12. DP’s twins (14) live with Mum still. We have them for dinner every Thursday and every other weekend. My two see their Dad Tues for dinner and every other weekend. Contact time for DP coincides with my weekend with my two, so we also get a kid free weekend on alternate weekends. DSS goes to stay with his grandparents every weekend.

DP likes to go to snooker practice on a Saturday night (7 - 11:30om) and I’m often then the one at home with all the kids. They mostly are in their rooms on their devices.
I’m feeling a bit resentful that I’m left “holding the baby” so to speak. I know they’re all old enough to do their own thing but I’m the responsible adult.

Also this weekend past (kids weekend) he then went to play golf from 9:30 - 3:30 so again, I was the one at home.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit cheesed off here? I don’t want to be looking after 4 kids on my own regularly and I also then feel like I can’t do something with my two, as I’d be obviously excluding his two. I get on ok with DST but don’t know them hugely well as we’ve only been together just under 2 years.

I have no clue as to what boundaries I should have. My upbringing was rubbish and whilst I’ve been a stepchild twice, it wasn’t a standard set up so I can’t use that as a basis.
I'd welcome some advice, thanks

Yeah he’s taking the piss, putting you in an awkward position and benignly neglecting his twins.

Just to jump in there statically speaking, it's likely to be her home.

Most second marriages or relationship either the martial home has gone to the ex wife, and or he's paying maintenance on top so often moves into the gf/wife's home because financially not many can afford to pay two mortgages.

So I think your question is why does OPs children benefit from DP moving his kids into her and her childrens home. Which is a total valid question, as I don't see this arrangement benefiting her kids much and him a lot.

Op If your gonna step into stepmum world, you need to up your boundaries because you will find this commonly happens and people on this board will either tell you he's a sht dad leave asap or you resent having your dsc present. There turns to be usually these types of comments with sm chipping in slightly more helpful advice.

However he's taking the mick. Probably because you haven't discussed expectations. Easily solved with a chat and find out his vs yours expections over child care and coming up with a agreement

Tell him this. Its so unfair. Its not fair on you or the kids. He should be embarrassed

This make it crystal clear

Why on earth would you say that he's really a good dad OP. His kids come to see him and he fucks off for most of the day or evening leaving them with you. The age thing is a red herring. Would they choose to spend all that time with you of their own accord? I sincerely doubt it. I would have been devastated if this became a regular pattern during my visits to my dad when I was a teenager. My step mum was lovely, but it wasn't her I was interested in visiting.

Doesn't he do a movie night with them in a staturday? In with Netflix or out at the cinema? Take them out bowling? Play board games? You know, actually spend time with them chatting and playing?
No? What a crap dad then.

Sorry OP, I agree that he’s not coming out of this at all well. Spending huge chunks of contact time suiting himself is unfair on his children and on you.

Time to have a chat….

He is taking the piss - why isn't he saving snooker and golf for the weekends when all the kids are with their other parents?

The golf thing was the first time, and I felt it was unreasonable so came in here to sanity check my expectations.
When his snooker was cancelled, he did do a movie night with the twins. Nowhere did I say he does nothing with them… I was just trying to work out how to proceed.

I’ve had a chat with him this evening and said he needs to not go when the kids are here as they will want to see him, and he’s on board with that.
I don’t think he’s deliberately done it, more got excited at the thought of golf again and not thought it through.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers thank you, it was the lack of a conversation on expectations that was missing and your prompt made me have that.

As to what my DC get out of him being here … he is helping DS1 look for a car, has offered to fix a dooer upper for him if we can’t afford one, takes DS2 to clubs etc when needed etc.
We share the cooking and household tasks.

I didn’t say all this as I’d presumed it was too much detail… now I know for next time I post.
Appreciate the replies anyway

Nope, he’s rubbish. Half his weekend with his kids is spent away from them?

I enjoy taking my DSD out, or my kids go with my DP, but not so the other can bugger off for half the weekend, when we have every other one without any of them here.

I don’t think he’s deliberately done it, more got excited at the thought of golf again and not thought it through.

Oh come on.

No he's not a good dad. He is absolutely taking the piss.

He only sees them 4 days a month but goes off and does his hobby 2 of those?
OP you are being taken for a mug.

Yet another rubbish dad. It's so depressing.

He doesn’t get to ‘not think things through’ when he has made a few people exist and then made them go in to a woman they don’t knows house. He needs to parent, that’s on him.

(Who quoted me thinking I meant the kids have a mortgage? 😄 the various kids dragged into these boyfriend + girlfriends new dating life have no say. It’s OPs kids home and they can’t advocate for themselves, I know from my shit experience that a parent inflicting their sex partner in your house is just awful, nevermind the blokes kids, too. It cannot be said that any of the kids involved are being prioritised here, it’s just all about the new boyfriend and his little hobbies he uses to opt out of parenting.)

"Snooker practice on a Saturday night (7 - 11:30pm)"

You mean the pub right?

He's going to the pub & playing snooker but calling it snooker practice?

You have having the piss taken out of you

It's highly likely when he moved in he was planning for you to become his babysitting service

It seems as though he is right

YANBU. He needs to be there. I'd tell him he's here or his kids aren't. You say he moved in I'm assuming that means moved into somewhere you already owned / rented. So it's your house. You can decide to say they aren't staying if he's out.

I don’t think he’s deliberately done it, more got excited at the thought of golf again and not thought it through. What kind of parent doesn't think things through? Before I had my DC I might have fallen for that but now, no way. And I know my DH is always thinking of the next time he sees his DSC when planning weekends etc.

@lostForNames I'm glad it's sorted out at least. You sound like a Uber kind sm.

I think sometimes people just assume they are on certain page with someone and sometimes turns out they aren't. Prime example of this was when there were issues with my DS and we had flagged he might have a life threatening being conditioned in pregnancy that would mean survival was 0 - what would we do. Never knew my partner had such strong emotions on abortion, and termination based on medical need had never crossed his mind.. which we had to have a discussion on him one side of the scale and me the other. That said we did come to a agreement where we were both met in the middle (all sht choices btw when facing this) but thankfully didn't have to go down that route because bare a issue with his heart. He didn't have the condition that was suspected. THANKGOD

I had naturally assumed he was pro choice (like me) and because of my fertility issues he had assumed I was pro life. Madness known the man for god dammed years. How we hadn't discussed it was baffling.

You don't have to justify your DP presence, all I wanted to highlight was that you and your Dc deserve one on one time too and it was likely your home not DSC and this is simply a boundary that needed discussing.

Also mn loves lots of details on sp especially (even ones that may not be relevant) and the step parent support thread is always around if you need some advice but don't want to type out your life story and just need to chat to other sp specifically.

I hope your DP know how lucky he is to have you and you get some of your time back. People get a bit ansty on here re childcare because it's often the sm left holding the fort and also being bashed for wanting her own free time.

The kids are old enough to be left on their own, so I don't think he is expecting you to do "childcare" as such?

However, he is showing a shocking lack of regards for his own kids, who have come to see him for the weekend. He doesn't get much time with them if it's only one weeknight and every other weekend. Doesn't he want to spend time with them? He sounds like a shit dad tbh.

No. His kids so he has them, not you. As long as you don’t expect him to have your kids for you.

Glad you've had a conversation about it.

I never understand why he doesn't at least try taking them to play golf too, at their ages.

Are you asking him to stop the snooker as well or just the golf?

Maybe his dc need a pool cue and golf clubs for Christmas..

My ex has a partner and if DD was going to visit him and he was going out, I'd be gutted. Nothing to do with the partner, but if I'm giving up my weekend with my dd, it's so she can spend time with her dad. If her dad doesn't want her, I do!