I'm 39 still have issues with my stepmum help

[Scorpio8]

My stepmum has always been jealous of me from when I was a child.
Not to say she hasn't helped me she has.
I didn't get on with her and we have had physical fights.
Let's just say when my dad, stepmum lived close to us she did help look after my son.
But then I would limit my contact with only saw my dad really. She is a very negative person.
Then my dad, stepmum moved last year away. But they live in a nice area now and near the beach.
My dad still hides giving me money me still. He booked accommodation and I was meant to pay him back well he said he pay half. He understands I don't work much and I would give him if I could.
My OH had noticed how she was and she keep watching my OH he does eat a lot. But I even was left with her myself. I still feel uneasy about conversations with her when no one around she can be really nosey.
I am 39 at this point I actually had enough of her bs growing up with her. I sat there while my OH, son, brother and dad went out. It was how is so and so a friend of mine. I thought why ask for this person if you don't really like her as to how she planned something for me. That's another long story.
That was my cue let me go for a walk can't sit here being asked many questions etc. So asked how do I get to these shops she said wait until my dad back. So I just said going for a walk found my own way to a shop and she did know where I was going.
I actually phoned my dad when I got there to pick me up on his way back.
In the car he made out my stepmum didn't know where I was going. Well she did as she wouldn't tell me how to get to a shop just said wait your dad will take you. I wasn't sitting with her being asked all sorts
I didn't cause much of seen in the car as the my brother, son and OH was there. But was like here we go.
We had to go somewhere so he dropped us all there and he went back and got her. It's obvious words were spoken by dad, stepmum.
I sat on the bench and she did ask so did you get what you wanted at this place didn't cause a scene. It was all left and blown over.
I noticed when my son went to go out with my dad somewhere she was trying to push my brother whom an adult to go. He did want to go but he wasn't actually bothered he was busy in his room.
Apart from that weekend was fine.
My issue is now that I am pregnant my dad and stepmum don't know yet. In fact my own mum don't know yet.
So I have planned on telling my dad he can tell my stepmum actually can't deal with her negative comments. Although my mum might be the same too.
My stepmum already had said about someone we know having a baby saying I couldn't have a baby now.
There is a lot with my stepmum but tbh glad they no longer live near by.
I just speak to my dad and do ask for her. I chat with my own mother every day.
Just wondering what she going to be like now I am pregnant.
My son is going to stay this week and he is happy I am having a baby.
I do hope she doesn't say something and he hates the fact I am pregnant. Just try make him feel he be left out etc.
She can be very nasty and always been jealous of me because she wanted a girl. I worry if I have a girl now how she will be but glad they have moved away.
I am trying not to think of it.
Even my OH said he didn't want her to know yet but because my son going there I have to tell them. He too excited at the moment to finally be have an older brother.
What would you do? Although nothing much she can say or do. Or me really just get on with my life got my mum and dad so really there reaction only thing I should care about.
Anyone still have a nightmare with their step parent even as an adult?

How is it that your father can afford to subsidize you to the age of 39 but cannot afford a trip to his home country?

Also, why do you not work much?

You need to seriously grow up
If she's that bad go NC
Stop sponging off your Dad and take birth control after this pregnancy

Your fingers must be bleeding with all the ramblings 🙄

To be honest OP, you sound very petty and immature. She and your dad are married and have been for years, she is kind enough to look after your son. You are 39 and still picking physical fights. And at 39, why are you still tapping your dad up for cash?

If you don't like her (which clearly you don't), just stay away from them. You're supposed to be an adult and independent.

You sound jealous of her, rather than the other way around. I can't see anything she might be jealous of?

I realize I have hit a nerve with all the SM on the board tbh I don't actually care. My situation is real and what has happened to me is real too.

It's been an interesting few days and not even sure where to start.

I have still not heard a congratulations from my sm which is something I expected.

I had my brother in law wife come see me at and she came back to my mum's flat where I am staying at the moment. What a conversation I tell you that.
My mum asked her what does she think of my sm? My mum went on to explain she jealous of me etc.
Told her we had a physical fight and I did kind of say what I told you all on here. I blame my parents because they slept to together behind her back. My mum actually went into a bit too much detail how that all happened it was tmi.
My bro in law wife said you need to seek her approval on your pregnancy which I know I don't need.
A lot was said and even my bro in law wife picked up how she was at my engagement party. When someone told her come and see me once I was ready. She was so rude saying they don't need to tell me what to do. She created on an impossible day in my life. Actually not the
first time either. Especially when I was going through a difficult time in life.
I can say right now what my sm is thinking but I won't be putting up with her.
Saying that my mum started yesterday about my sm. When my ds called me and he wanted to speak to her. Then my mum moaning hearing my sm in background talking maybe loud I don't know this didn't hear her when I spoke to him. She was like she doing that on purpose because your talking to me. I don't even know what my sm meant to have done. Then spoke to ds and he said he wanted to speak to my DH.
I was like to my DP I hope that he didn't have her on speaker phone as they were in the car. That's probably why my sm sounded loud probably talking to my dad.
I think because my mum not seen my ds for ages too. She missing him at the moment.
I actually can't wait for him to come home Sunday it be interesting what he says but so far he seems to be enjoying himself.
My mum said to me yesterday I tried to be nice but she a B.

That's exactly what I feel but won't rise to it. Being civil for my dad's and brothers sake.
Tbh it's my mum that's completely lost it over her at the moment so having to calm her down.
Some people especially my sm will not change. I learnt that a long time ago and that's why she a person I keep at distance.
My dad will always help me and his my ds even if she don't like how close we are to him.
Another thing happened I reached out someone who family. But she doesn't know us all that well as we didn't find out she existed. She thought my sm was my mum so corrected her. I am so and so daughter and sm not my mum but so and so is.
That's another thing my sm happy for people to think I am her dd.
Which when I was a child because my dad didn't want everyone to know his business I kind of had to cringe by calling her mum. For me she didn't actually deserve that title. How she treated me only referred to her a her name until an adult started saying sm..
Even my ds doesn't say nan and she trying to push nanny so and so and nanny so and so meaning my mum. Not going to confuse ds either he knows my mum is his nan and my dad is grandad and my sm as her name. She don't need that title although I appreciate her help with him and myself.
If my ds called her nan that be down to him but he hasn't probably as I refer to her as her name to him.
I am actually I don't care what anyone thinks at all.
People have no idea what I have had to deal with.
Like someone said no ones interested in what you say. Then why comment on my thread and it's funny. I expected a huge backlash as this full of sm who don't have any idea.
In fact I was reading a thread and didn't see a problem with what this person was saying.

Like I said there is some really good sm out there.
But haven't seen anyone remotely on level in response in the way of saying how they dealt with their adult sc and weather I agree or not they put in a nice way realized their mistake etc.
I think most of you have younger Sc so you can't really answer.
Stepfamily set doesn't have to be hard you just have to not be selfish and remember those children didn't ask to be these situations. Your DP just want a wife that accepts children that's apart of him. Walks like him and looks like him etc.
Respects that he has to talk to the ex. But if any of your DP was cheating I would be definitely disappointed. The children will suffer and it's not their fault. I think some of you would know that.
There's so much I have learnt over the years in my experience.

Your posts are just word salad they make no sense

• not impossible but important days in my life my sm has been awful I mean. I have let too many things go not anymore will be putting my foot down.

I will have another talk to my dad but not right now. Especially if she starts and will tell him a few home truths. He already knows though what she is like.

When your tried and tried and get a lot of bs enough is enough. Oh yeah even my bro in law wife said if you had to hit her knowing the person you are as you calm, quiet it must of took a lot for you to do that. Didn't say nothing she right. You give someone chance after chance then it's I had it now.

I don't expect people to understand here at all

I don't expect people to understand here at all

People don't understand because you literally haven't explained. You've just vaguely said everyone "knows what she's like" without actually describing what she's like.

She may actually be awful but you haven't explained that at all.

And given that you're doing it on the step parenting board, it's making you look like a troll.

Honestly OP, you sound obsessed with her. You’ve said she is jealous of you, and wishes you were her DD, but you’ve not explained anything to support this. You keep mentioning how you are your father’s favourite and look like him, and how much he helps you out financially, like she is your Disney stepmum rival, you sound childish.

I suspect SM story would be very different.

@lickenchugget

Not obsessed but she has destroyed me as a child/teen.

Funny still no congratulations on my pregnancy but my pregnancy comes first than a lot of things lately.

I spent a lot of time with my mum and so many people still think she is my and I have had to correct them lately. She has tired to take over my mum's position and suppose my dad and even myself have enabled that. But today it stops I don't care of people say to her thought so and so was your daughter like putting my poor a the back it's not been fair.

Like I said I blame my mum and dad it's made me suffer with her being nasty..
As an adult I still find her intimating that's why I won't stay with her alone. I get asked many questions which I try to avoid now.

I still very anxious on her reaction to my pregnancy as don't need it and ready to cut her off and tell my dad some really home truths.

I haven't been an angel buy she been an abuser and wish I reported her for being like that with other kids in her care.
I haven't she my dad's wife and mother of my brother's.

My main concern right now is my pregnancy and really couldn't be bothered how she feels now.

My dad will always help but suppose I am getting annoyed myself with him not taking money back for things like now I have his bank account so will put money even if he don't like it.
Again that's based on her I have my own proof he offered and now I putting back. I am not sponging off him I would sit and struggle with 1p not ask but learnt to ask. I wish I was someone who you all painted on your heads lol.
I am his only daughter yes he says I am his favourite but he proud of all the others. I know how he really feels and he hurt to be treated a certain way by them.
I just think since I cut her off that time I am just civil to her and think this how I carry on. The scissors are at the ready but ignoring her is best.
She can be nice but green eyes monster comes out.
I will encourage my dad to go visit his country on his own leave her behind. He wasted so much of his life not seeing how own family. She will have to get use to that him going and coming back or go with him and experience what he.
She has really held him back.
I think I probably just see what happens now. My main concern is myself.

The scissors are at the ready but ignoring her is best.

Considering you have a actual bodily fight, the mention of scissors makes me extremely nervous. But yes ignoring is best.

I will encourage my dad to go visit his country on his own leave her behind. He wasted so much of his life not seeing how own family. She will have to get use to that him going and coming back or go with him and experience what he.

If your dad has chosen to not see his family, that's on him. He's not a puppy dog, he can make his own choices like a adult. If you blame her for his lack of seeing people, your blaming the wrong person.

I haven't been an angel buy she been an abuser and wish I reported her for being like that with other kids in her care.

But You chose to leave your own kids in her care, so either she's a abuser and needs reporting or she's not as bad as you say because I'm assuming you wouldn't willingly leave your kids in her care if she was.

Can you state what behaviour she's shown explicitly that it's abusive ? I'm not being obtuse but trying to decode some of this.

Also just to reiterate- your pregnancy is nothing to do with her. At all why would it be ?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

She held my dad back they could save up go on holidays everywhere but could save up for him to go his own country where he born. I always said if I won the lottery would pay for him to go.
He finally went back even if for a day as it was a cruise. I know why he did it like that if he had his way he would of stayed there in his country not go on cruise. He put her first but any woman would encourage their husband to go back. Just so selfish to me.

She has treated me awful as a child. But then other child how she pushed them and even saw 1 girl today feel bad knowing what she did. My dad even use to stick up for the kids in her care.

Yes my son was in her care but not worried about physical harm like she did me. But manipulating him as he happy about having a little bro or sis if he different she twisted his mind. She can be horrible like that. My dad is there so feel better in some way.

I can't talk about her cruelty to me as a child. I wish I had a stronger mother and got her kids taken off her and never allowed to look after kids. I always told myself that if she every harmed my child I would make anonymous call.

Physical abuse stopped me she can be manipulative, twisting your minds. That's why I can only see her now and again. That's why my own mum hates her.

I remember my own little brother nearly getting run over I got the blame. She was too busy gossiping to watch leave a young girl in charge. It would have been her fault only. Tell me she put me in the road if that happened.

It's a good job my dad there she couldn't handle my younger brother. He has too and her insecurities are down to the way my father had treated her. It's like what she done to me she getting back through her own son/sons. I do find it disrespectful to her but she made them like that too.

Very complicated but my own worry is her reaction to my pregnancy so anxious but as I have therapy it's something I have to let go. No need for her approval she irrelevant and definitely not looking after this one especially if a girl.

Thanks for responding..Have a lot to think of from now on.

The rumblings of a mad woman

@Scorpio8 You make far more sense on other people's threads than on this one. Slow down, breathe. Your emotions are running faster than you can type!

@Scorpio8 the problem is if she was abusive - and obviously you haven't gone into specifics here, then your dad watched and let it happen. He may have stuck up for you kids but if she was abusive to any child and didnt immediately get up and run with those kids, he kind condoned that behaviour. I don't doubt you are lovely but having one favourite aka golden child, is so damaging to the others and puts the golden child under a lot of pressure to stay golden. I suspect this may be contributing to your anxiety (reading between the lines)

The cruise and holiday well again, if he earns he's own money he could have separately saved for a holiday back home if he so wished. The fact he chose not to (cannot be pinned her her solely) although as he's your dad probably easier for him than to take ownership of that.

The beaten husband is a worn out sad tale on how to let men get away with everything and blame the wives because it's convenient and I don't doubt he probably did this with your mother too. Now I'm not saying this to slate your dad, I'm saying that parents are human, biologically you love your parents no matter what. You may have been able to over look some of your sms qualities had she been your mum, and likely via versa. Part of becoming a adult is realising your parents aren't gods that can do wrong and although that maybe be a painful realisation it's a important one.

You want the situation to change, that means you have to acknowledge on some level he was complicit if not took a leading role in some of the things you hate your sm about. Because he could have made different choices but he didn't. And I suspect you posted because your really stuck, and you want to be unstuck.

My advice would be care less. Don't get into fights, get anxious over her saying zxy let it be water of a ducks back. Don't needle and try to convince your dad to leave her or wait around to tell her some home truths. It's to much emotional energy that doesn't need to be spent iMO. You may find that deescalating the emotions will help both of you rub along. I'm not saying you will be pals but it should be easier if there's less agg for every one.

Your pregnancy is your own, it's absolutely diddle shit to do with her on any level (btw kids can love the idea of baby brother or sister until they come along) while the adjustment happens, so if Dc does kick off suddenly post baby, it may not be her influence (I speak from experience here).

I totally get pregnancy related anxiety it suck arse. Hang on in there is my advice.

Also I know you may think she's jealous but I really do have to say, it maybe that she thinks of you very little tbh. And if that's the case and you dislike her, I can only class that as a win.

Excuse the many typos (I'm severely tired and just spent 3hrs reading a medical report and feel like eyes are bleeding)

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

This what I mean if she starts hopefully I am just jumping ahead at moment. Going to have a go at my dad for allowing all the abuse even now. He use to say you take so much to heart no she been an utter beep to me.

I will tell my dad it's him and my caused all this too.

My SM had my little bro over 20 years ago. I remember her saying do you miss you sister while holding him this was when I moved in with them. My sister died aged 2 but was my full blood sister because my mum and dad did the dirty behind her back.
Any she was like my brother was wanted this was planned which I found so nasty. Never told my dad he wouldn't believe me.

I have seen some really nice SM on here and other threads where they seem very nice to the SD. She wasn't like that always wanting a girl made it clear it was be like my replacement not addition. The reason I massive breakdown was here at 13 was her other teenager issues and went away in children home. But my dad took me out of it.
Now I just need to protect my mental health so her at a distance best. Yes don't care a less I haven't at times.
I should say I am a SM myself but my SD in another country. I however never would treat her like this.
We have my son not my DH but he takes care of him like his own. His DD in his country. Whom calls and does ask how I am even my son. I said she so good honestly both are teenagers.
We told both of them we are expecting both were fine. I told my DH I was worried about their reactions. Both were fine but still worried about my SD tbh.
I said exactly that this add to our family not replacement.
I suppose I am different but I worried how I feel but couldn't be nasty to kids that are not mine. I encourage my DH to call his DD and say to haven't spoken to her in ages. He does call her but especially when my MIL passed away. I was like hope she is okay.
Plus the only thing that put me on edge is if he was close to her DM who actually left his DD with family well it's complicated. I have told him when he goes back he will surely see her he saying no he won't. He can't hide from her.
I have been way to nice and hopefully she is fine but really don't care.
Enough setting myself on fire for people to keep them happy.

Thanks for your response maybe I won't respond for awhile.

@Scorpio8 I recognise all of this is massively hard (I don't expect a response) but just from another perspective.

Do you think maybe sm was trying to say your baby brother was a replacement for your sister rather than you ? If your dad cheated on her with your mum that must have very painful to have a living breathing reminder. No one should play the one up game, or tit for tat but emotions aren't always that simple.

And I know he's your dad but he sounds not like a great human. He's set up a situation where he's not accountable and sm and your mum and you are all at each other's throats... which is convenient for him and ultimately damaging for you.

He's letting sm take all the blame, probably encouraging both sides (to you and sm) hostilely and I would find that unforgivable tbh.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

She was not on about me it was my sister. It was like he was wanted she wasn't yet my sister died at 2. Disgusting behaviour for an adult to say to someone's child even adult child. Never told my dad he wouldn't believe me.

That's why I have said if she says something going to tell my dad I have had enough of it all. Tell him he let her treat me like this.
That's why he never use to see me when they lived closed by and then moving away is good.

If she didn't see me she ask my friend about me. She has my number and I just think she used this friend for information lucky I stopped telling this friend as she very manipulative.
One time she found out I had a hospital appointment by friend and rang asking why I haven't told her. It was none of her business.

I don't expect anyone to care here but from an adult woman still struggling with this now. Maybe someone can learn something

I am on edge already anxious over my pregnancy but trying to put that to a side..
So no need for her comments if she not happy then keep her opinions to herself.

Yes by now she should of moved past the jealousy. Yes I should of moved past all what happened in the past.

I got over the past wiped the slate clean then she carried on in my adult years. I just try to paint picture but like I said it's painful to go into stuff she done to me.
My ex didn't like her and my Dp don't like her.

I might not reply anymore but thanks for your responses majority wouldn't understand anyway here. Children don't ask for the set up or the resentment. Sorry men need to choose women wisely and if women can't accept the children don't get who has children. You can't always treat kids as your but don't treat someone else child badly.
I do hope even if people resent the SC they are not aware of it because that's a huge affect. DC sense things like adults they pick up on things.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

Is have posted another thread on Chat.

My DS came back a bit weird didn't talk about the pregnancy and really wasn't listening to us. But he now talking about the baby and back to himself. I wonder if something was said to him.
Anyway Saturday something happened with my Dad. He was upset about something with my DS but had a go at me. He even rang my mum up having a go at her. So I messaged him no need to have a go at my mum as she not his wife. How convenient for people if we were to fall out now because I am pregnant. After that he changed completely. Said no one would stop him talking to me said it was something with DS that upset him. But he been told how he is.
Anyway he did call my mum apologize as I told him he needed too.
Then he called me we spoke didn't say much and said sorting DS out now with this issue and so he spoke to him..he acted like all fine.
So my issue is now why lash out at us all. I honestly think my Stepmum been saying something to him as the minute I said what I said he changed and he realized his mistake. Or they having issues and even my DP like he won't go there now visit.
My stepmum would love that seeing as my DS said she not talking to her eldest and my Dad brought him up as his own. She obvious funny I am pregnant and DS has a good relationship with my Dad. I actually don't care about her feelings no more it's not my DS fault or mine. Don't manipulate my father to try fall out with me as it won't work. He knew what my comment meant why the sudden U-turn.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

It's because she not speaking to the eldest and she no longer seeing the other grandchildren.
You know she won't stop until we fall out. My dad apparently told my mum a lot got on top of him so it wasn't just DS that made him upset. She so rubbing of on my dad as he not like that.
I will get to the bottom of this as I don't need no more stress.
He was messaging something's and haven't responded but I will. But fed up with it.

@Scorpio8 I totally know there's history here but just a outsiders perspective- biologically your always gonna love your dad. But you gotta see that even if your step mums in his ear (which is a if) he's a fully grown man and responsible for his own actions and he has the ability to make up his own mind. He very much maybe like this and your perspective as a child has changed to view the situation (with less parental glazed love)

Your not of a hive mind with your DP, nor do you control what he thinks. It's the same for your dad.

It's a horrible thing to think of and I know you must be in pain and anxious right now. Sometimes blaming someone else who you already dislike is easier than facing the facts.

I also think your dad would be like this with any person he married tbh, I think it's convenient for him for you to hate her so if he upsets you he can subtly or otherwise blame her and take no responsibility.

He wasn't lead up the isle either a shotgun, neither does he stay because there's a gun to his head. As women I believe we have to do better than let men get away with this tuff in my opinion. He could have stepped in at any point but he hasn't and he hasn't left. So he's allowing it and he's the one biologically and otherwise responsible for stepping in.

I suspect deep down you know this hen why you posted because you have a niggle in your ear making you feel unsettled

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

My dad has quickly changed now realized his mistake Saturday. He okay with me being nice he won't fall out with me.
But I will get to the bottom of what triggered him lashing out at us.

For my dad to switch after me saying how convenient now I am pregnant that someone would love for you to fall out with me. Then telling him why go to my elderly mother moaning about me and she not your wife. I know he realized I was right.

No one has met this woman and tbh you wouldn't want too. My SM hasn't like I said congratulated me. I know her so well and my dad caught to whom I was talking about straight away as didn't even say her name.
I do get your view point but looking somewhere else where people still have to deal with this sort of thing. People like myself going through headache with a step parent as I don't think people get it. I just have to see a post and say exactly this is what I am going through. People may word it better than me too. Have the same understanding.
Sorry but most here are Sm and have no idea so won't expect sympathy. After telling a close friend who knows my dad and SM she understood and like she said trouble in paradise.
Enough is enough of this now.

@HoppingPavlova

Not an obsession but I know something brewing but on my dad's side.

As I said no one will understand need to find like minded people and will get entire thread shut down.

@Scorpio8 your right this is step parenting board so may not the right place. But do understand I'm very much trying to help you (and not make you feel bad), I'm trying to get you to see there's another perspective here at work. Friends can blow smoke up your arse, I'm a stranger you don't know from Adam. That means I have no biases here in terms of who's who or loyalty.

I have also often see people scapegoat the sm because it's easier for her to be evil than face wider problems (which actually I think is happening here) even if she is evil. Yes I'm a step mum but I'm also a mum and a adult sc (for better or worse in your view I don't know). But I can see when someone is trying to process something and struggling, which clearly you are (no shame in that)

But I can't lie and see I can see something I can't, I do have empathy for you. A ton in fact but not for what you think.

Maybe if you post somewhere else you will gain more than you have here. Or maybe not but either way, I hope you find the peace you seek 💐