I'm 39 still have issues with my stepmum help

[Scorpio8]

My stepmum has always been jealous of me from when I was a child.
Not to say she hasn't helped me she has.
I didn't get on with her and we have had physical fights.
Let's just say when my dad, stepmum lived close to us she did help look after my son.
But then I would limit my contact with only saw my dad really. She is a very negative person.
Then my dad, stepmum moved last year away. But they live in a nice area now and near the beach.
My dad still hides giving me money me still. He booked accommodation and I was meant to pay him back well he said he pay half. He understands I don't work much and I would give him if I could.
My OH had noticed how she was and she keep watching my OH he does eat a lot. But I even was left with her myself. I still feel uneasy about conversations with her when no one around she can be really nosey.
I am 39 at this point I actually had enough of her bs growing up with her. I sat there while my OH, son, brother and dad went out. It was how is so and so a friend of mine. I thought why ask for this person if you don't really like her as to how she planned something for me. That's another long story.
That was my cue let me go for a walk can't sit here being asked many questions etc. So asked how do I get to these shops she said wait until my dad back. So I just said going for a walk found my own way to a shop and she did know where I was going.
I actually phoned my dad when I got there to pick me up on his way back.
In the car he made out my stepmum didn't know where I was going. Well she did as she wouldn't tell me how to get to a shop just said wait your dad will take you. I wasn't sitting with her being asked all sorts
I didn't cause much of seen in the car as the my brother, son and OH was there. But was like here we go.
We had to go somewhere so he dropped us all there and he went back and got her. It's obvious words were spoken by dad, stepmum.
I sat on the bench and she did ask so did you get what you wanted at this place didn't cause a scene. It was all left and blown over.
I noticed when my son went to go out with my dad somewhere she was trying to push my brother whom an adult to go. He did want to go but he wasn't actually bothered he was busy in his room.
Apart from that weekend was fine.
My issue is now that I am pregnant my dad and stepmum don't know yet. In fact my own mum don't know yet.
So I have planned on telling my dad he can tell my stepmum actually can't deal with her negative comments. Although my mum might be the same too.
My stepmum already had said about someone we know having a baby saying I couldn't have a baby now.
There is a lot with my stepmum but tbh glad they no longer live near by.
I just speak to my dad and do ask for her. I chat with my own mother every day.
Just wondering what she going to be like now I am pregnant.
My son is going to stay this week and he is happy I am having a baby.
I do hope she doesn't say something and he hates the fact I am pregnant. Just try make him feel he be left out etc.
She can be very nasty and always been jealous of me because she wanted a girl. I worry if I have a girl now how she will be but glad they have moved away.
I am trying not to think of it.
Even my OH said he didn't want her to know yet but because my son going there I have to tell them. He too excited at the moment to finally be have an older brother.
What would you do? Although nothing much she can say or do. Or me really just get on with my life got my mum and dad so really there reaction only thing I should care about.
Anyone still have a nightmare with their step parent even as an adult?

If she's not a good SM then you are not a good mother, if you really allowed an abusive, violent person have anything to do with caring for your child.
I think you have many issues to work through and your SM is probably the least of them, although a very handy scapegoat for all your ills, I'm sure.

@Bananarama21
She doesn't know lol.

Not constantly dipping in the pot I hate to act. I would sit and home suffer buy my dad would be annoyed know I didn't ask. So I ask now more if I need help but that's not often.
Remember nothing changes when stepkids grow up.
Something my sm has to realize.

@Yousee

She was very bad to me as a child and she only has to try that with my son and she finished.
She has changed in that way but she can be very sly with the comments. I just don't entertain it can leave go out be away from her.
However I do buy her gifts and she started doing something good for herself was happy she was always someone who sat at home. Her job was from home.
I think I just wonder how she react to my pregnancy.

@gogohmm

No the problem always been her but that's really too much to go into.

If my dad wants to help me from time to time it's not really her business.
At the moment she doesn't have a say. If I said I can't ask you for help because of her he would be upset.

She changed a bit and had to accept me. Think it doesn't matter what age you a dad will always be there for their daughter. The father and daughter bond won't be broken.

Like I said I don't think she will like hearing I am pregnant but couldn't care a less.

The best thing now is there mobile phones and yes people still have house phones. I don't have to call the house go through her to speak to my father.

Jealousy a big thing when it comes to sm then can't handle looking at the SD and seeing the mums face.
The connection they always have with the ex because of that child. But you all signed up for that.
No child you have will ever replace the SD sorry it will never ever happen.. The minute you try that you OH will see it and break up with you.
The baby will be addition to the family but nothing like be like your OH first child they had before you met them.
I would never wish any of these children to experience what I had.
They need to be accepted and cared for just like they were your own.
In all of this the DH/DP needs to thought of as being in the middle not nice.
It's heartbreaking that any woman won't accept their children.
The more resentful you are the more the wedge is driven between you.
There's much more I could say but guess you all will find out one day.
(Laughing to myself). Some of you won't know what hit you.

You seem to lack self awareness OP. You consider it too much to go into how she's actually wronged you, yet you're here slating her and now Step mum's in general, on the step parenting board. What response are you expecting? If you were actually describing the ways in which she's supposedly mistreated you, people would no doubt be sympathetic, but you aren't. So why post this here in particular? It's just going to cause arguments.

What evidence do you actually have that she is jealous of you? Has she said that? Because it seems more likely she just doesn't like you very much, and you've given much more evidence of reasons she has to dislike you, than reasons you have to dislike her. And now you're just trying to generally have a pop about other step parents being "jealous" of their step children, and weirdly assert that the first born step child will somehow always be more special to the parent than subsequent children. I assure you that is absolutely not how my DP feels about the children we share.

Jealousy a big thing when it comes to sm then can't handle looking at the SD and seeing the mums face. What are you on about?!!

Op are you ok? Your posts are bizarre and you really sound mentally unwell. Do you need to see someone as these come across as if you are struggling.

Otherwise I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve?

@aSofaNearYou
She always wanted a girl and she even lied about being pregnant once. I will never forget that day. I asked my dad he said she is not. It was funny tbh.

Tbh with you all it's alright between us now. I had to move on for my dad and be civil to her even if she does annoy me. I suppose she got to do the same. She was very wicked to me as a child.

I have never told my mum and dad it's their fault. Because of what they did behind her back.

There is a lot here but my post is not about how she was to me as a child..just want to know how she will react to my pregnancy. She not going to like it especially if I have a girl.
I just think she will be nasty but let try that one.
Like I said all that really matters is what my parents think.
I think it's learned behaviour if I am childish I learnt from her.. really how not to treat you SC.

@Pascaliisafrenchymathysyperson

Your probably right you best hope none of you stepchildren become like me. So treat them good and don't be resentful of situation you chose to get into.
There are great sm out there I can honestly say that. A lot need a lot of counselling themselves to come to terms with the stepfamily set up.

How do you know her wanting a girl means she is jealous of you? In what way was she wicked to you?

How is anyone supposed to tell you how she will respond to your pregnancy when we don't know anything about the bad things she supposedly did to you?

@aSofaNearYou
She was jealous of me everyone in the family knew this.
I don't feel I need to go into how evil she was but that I moved on and forgave her for the best. She been horrid even when I become an adult especially when something bad happened to me.
But when she finds out I am pregnant and if she starts I will see my dad finally leave her.
Once stable financially will make sure my father gets the life he deserves.
My dad tells me stuff and I hope he finally does what's best for him.

Just tell them. Then you'll know. She'll find out eventually.

@fufflecake
Well I will tell my dad he can tell her. Her reaction to it if not good her problem I suppose shouldn't over her.
Just her nasty comments which hope my father hears and I will tell him straight this sort of person your married to..
I won't hold back hope she will won't be nasty about it.
It's a good thing they moved away now she not up in my business.

I have a lot of issues with my step Mum and due to that I would never ever allow her to look after my girls alone as I know how toxic she was to me as a child. I think if she was that bad you wouldn't allow her to look after your son alone (I.e. without your Dad there). I know how hard it is to have a difficult relationship with your step Mum so I feel for you, it's not nice and has given me a lot of issues to work through as an adult. The only advice I can give is distance yourself and in times you are in her presence rise above it, be vague when she asks questions but polite and protect yourself.

Not a step parent, don't have one. But my son has two and my ex is one. I say grow the hell up and stop taking money off your dad.

@helloits

I probably shouldn't of let her look after him but that was her main job. If anything she would have been struck off reported to police. But she wasn't bad with him like she was with me. She just can be very nasty and sly comments.

I do blame my parents for sleeping together then even had another sibling which died. That wasn't my fault what they did. My dad use to say if that child was alive they wouldn't be able to go his each weekend like me. So do feel for her on this.
But no reason to do all them horrible things.
As an adult I was like enough is enough.
I still gave her chance after chance to the point after a physical fight not proud of that she an adult too. I cut her off and only saw my dad. Again I let that went in there but it was never the same was only civil to her because of my dad and rest of family.
I remember going through the worst time in my life and she was a nightmare probably was happy.
There's so much she done and she just very nosey.
I remember she got close to a friend to get information on me. Like I had a health issue she like saying why didn't you tell me it's none of your business. As a child my dad use to coach with her to answer and it would be ask my dad.
She would ask personal stuff on my mother.
Even my mother considering how she been tried to put it aside they are civil. My mother can't stand her.
My mother and father joke with each other but there's nothing in it. I know she doesn't like that. Tbh again if anything was to have happened would not be happy with them.
I had a break when I was 13 it was many things but it was her. I know it wasn't in my head everyone sees it.
The fact my OH has said he doesn't want her to know about the pregnancy is something. Even my ex didn't like her.
Saying I get along for my father's sake.
I am not saying I was a perfect child/teen
but she at one point was the wicked sm.
I would say 10 years or I moved from dad's wife to stepmum.
There's is much more but now worry now pregnant.

Tbh it sounds like your firing off utter incoherent no sense the more you update.

@hapinthewood
If he wants to give me not going to say no.
It's just how father's are with their daughters.
He hides a lot from her and that's not my business.
He said it's not anyone business if I give you money.

Yes I do, and I’m a similar age to you.

But that’s because she’s an alcoholic who’s violent to my Dad, who I spent my late teen years/early 20s getting battered by whenever I tried to get in between them to protect my Dad (he’s not once hit her back not even in self defence, she’s twice his size, and I was stuck bloody living with them after being removed from my mother). Shes abusive in other ways too.

I wish I’d had a teen strop or something the night he went out with my Uncle, because then he’d never have met her, I’d still have an actual father and my kids would know their Grandad.

Difference is, she’s never so much as set eyes on my kids, let alone looked after them. I wouldn’t trust her to look after an inanimate object, let alone the tiny humans I love more than anything else in this world.

I’m not buying that you’re 39. I’d have said 21 at best.

@Bananarama21

Maybe you too young to understand.

I know my situation and everyone around me knows what she like.

It's not an easy situation to explain but glad you don't get it.

A piece of advice think of your DP on how he feels. Stop being very selfish.

If he wants to give me not going to say no.It's just how father's are with their daughters

I know. My dad is like this with me. The difference is I don't take it. Quit with the pocket money

A piece of advice think of your DP on how he feels. Stop being very selfish.

Or maybe your perspective isn't the only one and you also need to stop being selfish and think about how the step parent feels? Just a thought.

@hapinthewood
No one knows me to judge I could have a 1 Pennie and never ask him. But I think some situations your family wouldn't want to know you let yourself struggle. I don't take all the time no one knows me. When I am desperate he helps and he knows that.
I am lucky to have a dad like mine. But as my DP says your his daughter. The argument you having with me I tell my DP but he shouldn't be giving money. Like I said my dad knows I am not selfish person with little money I buy gifts even for my SM despite the way she is.
I won money on something gave my parents. Some people have money won't and selfish with it.
I still will discuss this Will stuff with him he can even give to my son in bonds etc.
So he can take when he 18.
Even I stood somewhere and he was telling a family friend about his Will so glad she witness to that don't want the backlash.
My mum always said your his number 1. Do I like that no I hate it as it's unfair to the others.
But he proud of all his DC..
My dad just got me as his only daughter and I have a feeling what he feels on all of us.
I get the comments but no one knows me personally to know the person I am. Especially my SM but issue will deal didn't really get the advice I needed only from some.
Thanks anyway won't go down to the levels here sorry have a life sit on MN all day.