Wills & Finances

[callofthewild]

DH has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship and we then have 2 DC together. We own a house jointly (although on balance I have probably contributed around 65% of the equity / mortgage/ overpayments over the years). I then have a flat from before I met DH and he still owns the former marital home from his first marriage.To my mind in our will each of our halves of our estate should be split between our biological children ie mine is split between my two DC and his half is split 3 ways. When I've mentioned this before to DH he's reluctantly agreed but I can tell he's not happy about it. SDC is unlikely to inherit much from her DM / her maternal family but I don't see that it's my responsibility to make up for that. To add a bit more general context it would be fair to say I have contributed significantly more money into our marriage than DH and I don't see why my DC should miss out later down the line especially as DH has had a hugely negative impact on our finances over the years (which is a whole other thread but leaves me increasingly resentful). I'm just curious as to how others would approach this, thanks.

I think it’d be fairer to split everything equally between all three children

Make sure you own the house and flat tenants in common. Change ownership now if you don't. Otherwise there is also the realistic risk that your home will go to pay for care home fees for one of you so there will be nothing to inherit.

Then write your will to dispose of your assets how you wish e.g. your husband can live in the martial home and pay for its up keep until he dies if he outlives you and vice versa. Then your children, who could be in their 60s, or even better your grandchildren can inherit.

It isn't your problem you currently have more assets than your step-children's mother. If she won the lottery tomorrow your husband and your children would get SFA.

@RedWingBoots Gives very good advice. Also I would get this all sorted through a solicitor rather than a DIY will as it needs to be water tight. But yes what you are proposing seems absolutely fair. The fact he has agreed, albeit reluctantly, suggests to me that your DH knows this.

I could have written this post, down to the 65% coming from me and DH being a bit of a financial liability.
We have the house 50/50 tennants in common then my half is willed to my children, with all other savings accounts, pension etc to DH. Life insurance in place to pay off the mortgage.
As things stand he has life insurance to pay out to DSD and his half of the house is willed to me. While it is my and my dependent childrens one and only home, it is not simply an asset to be picked apart so this is fair enough and means DSD is looked after when still a child, too, rather than beginning a long wait for me to pop my clogs before she gets anything.
Wills need to be revised throughout life so this will all be reworked when the kids are grown up. I can't see a day coming where I suddenly feel like DSD is my equal responsibility in death though. I'm not equal to her mother in life, after all.

Make your Will water tight and don't rely on your husband to respect your wishes if you die first. He should do the same.

You never know what the future holds and you see some sad stories about children ending up disinherited by the surviving spouse.

DH and I are together and I've made sure some of my assets pass directly to our children, nothing that would leave him struggling but you just never know what might happen or when.

DH and I are together and I've made sure some of my assets pass directly to our children, nothing that would leave him struggling but you just never know what might happen or when.

Yes even without DSC involved people should ensure their DCs inheritance is protected in the event a widow/widower remarries.

If the children are still school aged then the first consideration is supporting the surviving partner if one dies - the last thing you grieving partner needs is to be struggling with money because you left money to the children rather than him. Once the children are older then split the assets fairly - whether dsd get as big a share partly depends on how big a role you have in her life, if like my dsd she lives with you then cutting her out of your half seems pretty vindictive, it says I'm only tolerating you particularly as you say she's unlikely to inherit much from her mums side. If dsd only visits eow then the dynamic is different.

Make sure your joint home is tenants in common, you can then give him a lifetime interest until he cohabitates/remarries/dies. And leave all of yours to your children.
He should do the same and treat his children equally. What his DD is getting from elsewhere, or not, is not relevant.

Mine is going solely to my DC. All the children have two parents to potentially inherit from, no way am I leaving my share equally to DSC what they may or may not get from their mother is neither here nor there imo.

I can understand you wanting your half to go to your bio DC.

I can also understand your DH wanting to provide equally for his 3 DC. One solution could be that your DH could do the levelling up with his half and leave a larger amount to his eldest DC.

How is that equal? He's not leaving equally to his children then is he? His older children have a mother who they can potentially inherit from same as his child with OP.

If the DSCs mother was leaving them hundreds of thousands and someone suggested he should leave them less then and his child with OP more to "even it out" everyone would be saying it's nothing to do with him what their mother leaves and he should still treat his children equally regardless.

His kids have different mothers, they may experience various times in life where they get different things from those respective mothers. It doesn't give him a pass to treat his children unequally though imo.

Well, OP said that the eldest won't get anything from her mother. So the father is the only one who can provide for her. If the OP is leaving everything to the other two then he might think it fair to even up the outcome. I don't think there's one right answer in these situations. Every case is individual.

That's ridiculous and will leave DH's children from his second marriage feeling pretty resentful towards their own father who would appear not to have viewed them as equal to his other children.

You don't see it's your responsibility to make sure your stepdaughter is ok in life when her father is dead and she won't inherit much from her mum?
You sound a really warm and caring stepmother. Did you not think you'd have to help when you got involved with a man who had a daughter? How do you think the stepdaughter will feel when this all comes out? Always about the money with some people. Imagine if your husband said you had been a drain on his finances in a marriage? It all sounds so cold - poor step daughter. It is your responsibility- you chose to marry a man who already had a child.

Split it all 3 ways.

@fufflecake The older child might well feel resentful and uncared for if her stepmother excludes her from her will.

Is that not just life though? Some people don't have well off parents who they can inherit from, others do. It doesn't make it anyone elses responsibility to disadvantage their own children to make up for it. They will inherit, a 3rd from their dad and whatever their mum may be able to leave them at the time (who knows what position she'll be in in years time).

Likewise, OP could lose it all on her care in her old age and have nothing to leave. Would it then be fair for their dad to leave more to his children with OP etc etc.

Things like this are much fairer if everyone just agrees that the children inherit from their two parents whatever that may or may not be like every other child.

What sort of entitled person feels this way?

Bearing in mind this is likely to happen when these children are adults. I'd never feel resentful of my step father leaving his estate to his children and not me. I have a mum and dad, what they can or can not leave me is not my step dads issue to fix at the disadvantage of his own children and as an adult I understand that. How entitled do you have to be to be resentful of not inheriting money from someone who isn't your parent.

Likewise you could say, how could the half- siblings object to the older one getting an amount when they already have plenty? How grasping would that be?

It's more understandable than step children being pissed off.

To be honest I can see why your DH would want to level the playing field if his child from a previous marriage is unlikely to inher

Well they shouldn't. They need to get over their sense of entitlement not be encouraged to believing its right to inherit from someone who has zero responsibility towards you.

Not to me. They are half siblings, growing up together. I can see both sides.

In general I'd always say yes parents should split evenly but there are always complex cases where one DC is more in need. Blended families make things more complex.

But it wouldn't be him levelling the playing field. He's expecting OP to do it.

It's not up to a stepmum to make up for the lack of inheritance from an actual parent. I don't go to work to provide for my DSC.